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AIBU?

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Original poster

My husband threw away my cooking pot 😡

172 replies

CoCoCorona · 15/05/2020 04:13

So things were going so nice. I was enjoying lockdown with my dh. Really felt we’d made a deeper connection than ever in the last 2 months.

2 days ago I was about to cook and couldn’t find my pot. It belonged to my mum (who died many years ago) so it has sentimental value. I loved cooking in that pot. It was old and rustic. The base was all uneven and the handle was a bit loose but that’s what made it my favourite pot. I have so many memories of my mum making things in it.

I looked for it everywhere whilst dh sat there acting like he didn’t know. I checked back of cupboards, on top, dishwasher everywhere.

After half an hour he tells me that it broke a few weeks ago whilst he was washing. Apparently it fell and the handle snapped off from the base and so he threw it away.

FFS. We have broken things lying in the house for months and years and he won’t dispose of them...but my mum’s pot breaks and he made the executive decision to chuck it without even telling me 😡. I’ve not spoken to him properly for 2 days now. And I’m really sad my mum’s pot is in some dump somewhere.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 15/05/2020 09:35

I'm sorry but I really don't understand exactly what happened. I completely understand the sentimentality of this item and your upset. That part is clear. But it's not clear to me why you are sulking 2 days later - did he apologise but you're just unable to forgive him? Did he try to say it was no big deal and downplay your feelings? Did he do it on purpose?

Because if it was the first, then I do think you have the right to be a bit sad but you need to stop punishing him - and refusing to talk to him is absolutely punishing him.

If it was one of the others, then that's a bigger issue. And your comments about getting on with your Dh during lockdown suggests that the relationship hasn't been completely stable for a while.

AtaMarie · 15/05/2020 09:37

“If he’s a loving, caring, wonderful man all the time apart from this one time when he had a lapse of judgment then I’d say move on and accept his apology.”

This. And I also wonder if he kept quiet while you were looking as he was afraid of your reaction - two days worth of silent treatment is really upsetting. I was in a relationship like this and it was so miserable to live with.

Sorry you are missing the pot though.

LiquoricePickle · 15/05/2020 09:39

Wow, some people on this thread must have really terrible husbands or be really unkind people themselves to assume that he knew what he was doing, or that it didn't break and he just chucked it or that he meant to be spiteful.

I know how upset I would be of my DH did this. Seriously, I'd cry and sulk too, but I'd eventually realise that your relationship with your husband is worth more than this.

I'm so sorry.

unlikelytobe · 15/05/2020 09:39

He was a prat and I understand your upset but you cannot mourn the loss of this cooking pot forever. What do you want him to do or say to make amends? Spell it out to him if needs be.

Rhiannon13 · 15/05/2020 09:40

I really feel for you and would be as angry as you, mainly because I would expect to be told if something dear to me had been broken.

However...All those memories thrown away is not true. Memories are with us to think of whenever we like and even when the physical object has gone, they still remain.

Make him buy you a new cooking pot.

CeibaTree · 15/05/2020 09:41

But it's not clear to me why you are sulking 2 days later - did he apologise but you're just unable to forgive him
He lied to her and let her look for the pot without coming clean. It's one thing to thoughtlessly throw something sentimental away, but then to sit and watch her spend time looking for it without saying anything is actively nasty and cruel. I agree it would be unreasonable to be sulking two days later over the thrown away pot alone, but for the behaviour and lying afterwards it's perfectly justified.

Weepingwillows12 · 15/05/2020 09:42

I had a fall out with my brother over something similar. As a lid there were 2 go to cookbooks mum used. One was for birthday cakes and so every year we would go through this book planning which came to have whenever we were bored. I loved that book and was very sentimental. Mt brother just threw it out one day when he was helping sort out mums house. I was furious but his view was it was just a book.

He had good memories of looking at the book but the object itself wasnt sentimental for him and he was surprised it was for me. He said sorry and we moved on but I think he just still doesnt get attachment to simple objects. Maybe your husband is the same?

I guess you cant do anything now. If hes genuinely apologised then you need to try and move on.

chunkyrun · 15/05/2020 09:44

You'll feel better once you accept it. Two days of silent treatment is abusive. It's probably a genuine mistake. I'd avoid telling you as well going off your reaction.

NemesiaPinkLagoon · 15/05/2020 09:47

It's inevitable that objects like this will break but it was clearly a shock to you to find it gone. Your husband made a mistake and maybe was nervous to tell you about it until he had to - not very mature but understandable.

Could you write down some of your memories of cooking with your mum as a way to deal with your feelings?

Rhiannon13 · 15/05/2020 09:50

People lie when they're scared of the likely reaction. Tbh, if I was living with someone who pulled the 'silent act' crap instead of having an open discussion, I'd probably try to protect myself too. I grew up with a parent who did this and I soon learnt that I should keep certain things to myself.

I'm not saying he was right to do what he did but the first couple of sentences ring alarm bells for me.

StayinginSummer · 15/05/2020 09:50

Honestly it’s a cooking pot that broke. Your DH was embarrassed. He threw it way. I would have done the same. Surely losing a loved one makes us rise above the relatively insignificant and treasure the loved ones that are still alive?

I think it’s okay to be a bit upset and annoyed. A bit. But then get over it. Keeping a broken pot would be a bit silly and I’m sure your mum wouldn’t have wanted you to have a serious fall out with your husband about it.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 15/05/2020 09:51

YANBU!

If he keeps a load of shite "for parts" or whatever (and most men do), he has no right to throw away something of yours (in fact, even if he doesn't keep rubbish, he has no right to throw away something of yours).

Why could he not say "I'm sorry CoCo, but the handle broke. It's no use any more>" Then you could have said "Oh no! Never mind - I'll put a plant in it" or whatever.

Your reaction is extreme, but that is because you are upset - not just at the loss of the pot, but that you haven't been given the opportunity to choose for yourself how to deal with this lovely link to your Mam.

He's a tosser. Whether he's a LTB-quality tosser, only you know, but I suspect that he is just an average grade wanker, and that given time you welcome to terms with his arseholery.

It'll keep coming back and upsetting you for quite a while, though, I think.

However, personally I would find it very satisfying to quietly jettison something he values very much, and say nothing until he mentions it. And in addition to that (IN ADDITION - not instead!), chuck all of the broken bits and pieces he's cluttering the place with.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 15/05/2020 09:52

if I was living with someone who pulled the 'silent act' crap instead of having an open discussion, I'd probably try to protect myself too

What makes you think it's "silent act crap"? Have you never been so upset that you literally can't speak?

Deathraystare · 15/05/2020 09:54

Well I live alone (well ok I share a flat but my stuff is used only by me). I don't have m,uch from my mum. not cos I am not sentimental, but my fat fingers would not fit her rings, I have no space for her cooking stuff even though I badly wanted a small casserole of hers.

Do any of you remember when some supermarkets -I cannot remember the name of it but it is not one we have now) 'gave away' casseroles and stuff if you spent a certain amount. It wasn't Kwik Save I don't think . Anyway I would really have loved that. I did take some stuff of hers. Some pyrex bowls and a china lasagne tray. But the thing I really wanted and got was her Ipod!

Tootletum · 15/05/2020 09:55

Bit of a man thing to do. They're simple, bless them. I've lost all of my dead father's things to their partner, so I know how sad it can be. But you have memories. Try to forgive him.

chunkyrun · 15/05/2020 09:56

What makes you think it's "silent act crap"? Have you never been so upset that you literally can't speak?

^^ for two days! Fuck no

thedancingbear · 15/05/2020 09:58

What makes you think it's "silent act crap"? Have you never been so upset that you literally can't speak?

What a load of shite.

OP: 'I had an argument with my DH. He's now literally not spoken to me since Wednesday'

MN: 'Aw hun, he's probably so upset, he literally can't speak for several days on end'

Can't see it somehow.

Her DP has fucked up but it probably wasn't deliberate. Extended silent treatment (particularly in the current circumstances) is abusive.

BIWI · 15/05/2020 09:58

On Sunday you posted this:

I’ve learnt I really love my dh. And we’ve used this time to talk and laugh. We never get time to just talk as we’re constantly working. We’re staying awake at 3/4am just talking. It’s wonderful reigniting our love again. I don’t have best friends and my family I’m NC with, so knowing I have my dh is comforting.

These are lovely words, and surely this is far, far more important than fixating on a cooking pot - which by your own admission you didn't even notice had gone for weeks!

AtaMarie · 15/05/2020 09:59

“Have you never been so upset that you literally can't speak?“

No. Not even over a death!

SecondStarFromTheRight · 15/05/2020 09:59

It was thoughtless to throw away the pot and you have every right to be upset but giving someone the silent treatment for 2 days is not healthy.
I think you should accept the offer of a new pot, make dinner as a family and build some new memories whilst reminiscing about your mum.

twinkletoedelephant · 15/05/2020 10:00

I know exactly how you feel...my dad's new wife chucked my mum's entire baking box (it was called the under the sink box when we were little) in the skip.
It contained rolling pins aprons, cookie cutters lots of child size implements she intended on baking with the grandchildren when they were old enough....

It was only when they were on the second skip and I saw a few of my mum's things in there I asked about it.. apparently it was all tat anyway.....

Serin · 15/05/2020 10:00

Aww I really feel for you.
My family take the piss out of me for my love affair with a particular Le crueset pot.
But I have used it everyday, to make all their food from them being tiny and I'm totally attached to it.
If DH threw it away I would be really upset.
It's already bequeathed to one son, who is the only foodie among them.

Rhiannon13 · 15/05/2020 10:00

What makes you think it's "silent act crap"? Have you never been so upset that you literally can't speak?

Yes, when my best friend was killed by a drunk driver.

But not for two days over a broken object! I love my partner and value open discussion.

RantyAnty · 15/05/2020 10:02

What an idiot. Then sneaking like a naughty child.
Does he normally do the washing up?

He could have at least told you. Like pp said you could have used it as a planter or something.

I get not talking to him for a couple of days.

The rare times I did it, was so I wouldn't blow up at him and really ruin things.

SunshineCake · 15/05/2020 10:04

If he is t bright enough to understand the sentimental value of something like this then he's a dick. It's a cop out.

I'm so sorry *@CoCoCorona. Your husband is a prize prick and to make it worse by wasting your time letting you look for something you'll never find Angry.