My husband threw away my cooking pot 😡

[CoCoCorona]

So things were going so nice. I was enjoying lockdown with my dh. Really felt we’d made a deeper connection than ever in the last 2 months.

2 days ago I was about to cook and couldn’t find my pot. It belonged to my mum (who died many years ago) so it has sentimental value. I loved cooking in that pot. It was old and rustic. The base was all uneven and the handle was a bit loose but that’s what made it my favourite pot. I have so many memories of my mum making things in it.

I looked for it everywhere whilst dh sat there acting like he didn’t know. I checked back of cupboards, on top, dishwasher everywhere.

After half an hour he tells me that it broke a few weeks ago whilst he was washing. Apparently it fell and the handle snapped off from the base and so he threw it away.

FFS. We have broken things lying in the house for months and years and he won’t dispose of them...but my mum’s pot breaks and he made the executive decision to chuck it without even telling me 😡. I’ve not spoken to him properly for 2 days now. And I’m really sad my mum’s pot is in some dump somewhere.

Give him a break, obviously scared to tell you envisioning vast reaction it would cause. There are other things to worry about.

Imagine if a woman came on here and said that her DH's old cooking pot had broken so she'd binned it, and her DH found out and refused to speak to her for two days! She'd be told to LTB.

She said "not properly", so she's spoken to him, just not having normal conversations.

He isn't the least bit contrite. Is she meant to paste on a smile and start/carry conversation like a "good woman"? Or should he be making amends? Perhaps he should start a conversation. A good conversation starter would be a genuine "sorry".

Ffs stop accusing this woman of abuse. Christ some women will just fall over themselves to accuse another women of abuse just to prove to themselves that it's all equal now. Poor men, wont somebody please think of the men?! 😢

It's not a pattern of abusive silent treatment. She's temporarily gutted, talking less, and he doesn't gaf. Completely different.

I know it's really sad that you don't have it anymore, but I do feel sorry for your husband. I've made terrible, clumsy, thoughtless mistakes before, and always been hugely apologetic. I don't think I would be able to remain in a relationship with someone who didn't speak to me for two days, after I had made a mistake and apologised profusely and asked how I could put it right.

@Gtugccbjb

I have some valuable advice for you. Stop focusing on how you can't understand other people's emotional attachments. Stop focusing on how you think they're being unfair to you, and learn this simple rule.

If it belongs to someone else, ask them for permission before you throw it away.

It sounds as though the OPs DH thinks that she has been upset enough and should ‘snap out of it’. My DH has form for this and it makes me really angry and upset that he won’t let me get over things in my own time but tries to put a time limit on how upset I should be. I had to explain it to him clearly in the end - you don’t get to decide how upset I am or for how long. If you leave me alone I will get over it in my own time. If you try to put a time limit on it I will be angry.

I had to explain it to him clearly in the end - you don’t get to decide how upset I am or for how long.

This is the simple wise truth that, astonishingly, a lot of people just don't seem to understand - or care to understand. Attempting to emotionally control another person is never acceptable.

She said "not properly", so she's spoken to him, just not having normal conversations.

So she could speak to him but chooses not to?

I had to explain it to him clearly in the end - you don’t get to decide how upset I am or for how long.

Wise words. I wish more people would heed them!

So she could speak to him but chooses not to?

Same goes for him.
He could approach her - and should. It's not her job to carry the relationship, particularly when its him who has so spectacularly fucked up.

Like a PP I don’t normally get irrationally attached to inanimate objects. I do have a “treasure chest” of stuff in the loft such as my parents’ birth certificates, DD’s first outfit and other sentimental items, but I can’t see the point in becoming attached to something that is of a practical nature and no longer practical.
That said, there is no way I would dispose of something that didn’t belong to me before asking them first. TBH a cooking pot with a broken handle is potentially very dangerous.

I’ve not spoken to him properly for 2 days now.

Sorry, but I think this is a very childish reaction.

It sounds as though the OPs DH thinks that she has been upset enough and should ‘snap out of it’. My DH has form for this and it makes me really angry and upset that he won’t let me get over things in my own time but tries to put a time limit on how upset I should be.

Do you sulk and give out the silent treatment a lot then GrannyWeatherwaxsBroomstick?

It's not quite the same, but is there any possibility you might find a replacement floating about on ebay? Do you know the brand, or if it had a distinctive pattern?

My Mum's knackered old cookbook accidentally got thrown away and I found a second hand one on amazon. Not quite the same without her notes in the margin, but I'm happier to have it.

OP, you sound like you need some help moving on. The pot was old and broken and it sounds like your DH was frightened of the mood you were going to be in when you found out about it.

I hope both of you get some support, you with anger issues and the loss of your beloved mum and him with dealing with you.

So she could speak to him but chooses not to?

Like how her DH watched her turn the kitchen upside down looking for a pot he knew he'd thrown out. But her behaviour is from hurt, who knows what his was...

OP - get him to look on ebay, preloved, etsy and secondhand cookware sites to see if he can find one. You never know!

I’d struggle with this. It was broken. Realistically what were you going to do with it? I expect come to terms with the situation and then accept it needs to go out. It was the process of grieving - for want of a better term- that was missing. Move on.

Most of our stuff is old and much of it coming to end of its life, eg some mugs just fall off their handles after 20-30 years; that cracked plate falls into 2 bit while being washed up no matter how careful you are etc. Every time one of these things happens to me, it turns out to be dh's favourite thing in the entire world - so much so that I stopped listening to the mantra of "oh NO, that was my FAVOURITE thing" and stopped apologising for having broken it. I have become so blase. Of course, he thinks I'm an unfeeling bitch.

Conversely, he does what your dh does when he's the one who has broken something of mine....

Stop punishing him. When all's said and done, it's a pot.

If DP broke any of my cooking things, he'd tell me straight away. I know this because it's happened occasionally and he has.

Why didn't OP's DH do the same? Why put it in the wrong bin and say nothing? Then sit there and say nothing for over half an hour while OP was looking for it?

Even if he was embarrassed and felt awkward it's not an excuse for his behaviour. It all feels a bit…deliberate. What's he like usually OP?

And fwiw, I too have things from my parents, some of them just daft little things, kind of like the OP I have a mixing bowl that they had even when I was tiny. When I see those things it makes me smile at the memories it brings. Then I get on with it and mix whatever. I don't sit and sob, or sit and reminisce, for an hour. It's not unhealthy, it's just nice. So (dons hard hat) if it was one of those things DP broke, I'd at least want to say goodbye to it!!

Realistically what were you going to do with it?

Broken things can often be repurposed. If I had an old pot with a broken handle I'd probably use it to store things or maybe to put a pot plant in. And besides, it should have been the OP's decision as to what to do with it.

This thread is evidence that everyone's gone mad. Much as I don't want to its time to lift the lockdown and let them all run loose.

If DP broke any of my cooking things, he'd tell me straight away. I know this because it's happened occasionally and he has.

Same here. I suspect the DH didn't tell his wife because of the massive over-reaction he would get. But with hindsight that just made things worse.

He was wrong not to tell her though.

He needs to apologise and without excuses. Even if he thinks it's a massive overreaction he should just take it on the chin.

It's only partly about the actual pot and mostly about his dismissing OP's feelings.

Then he can get rid of his own rubbish, for once.

This thread is evidence that everyone's gone mad.

Could not agree more. I mean, saying someone should apologise for throwing away a very old and broken pot a “few weeks ago”, because a grown adult is ridiculously emotionally attached to it is utter madness.

There is a difference between dismissing valid feelings and pandering to irrational emotional reactions.

Thanks for the replies. I was having issues with my account and couldn’t log in. 2 things I’d like to address:

1. @BIWI this is exactly another reason why I’m so upset. We’ve become closer than ever during lockdown and despite this pot drama, I do love him and am glad I have him.

There was a thread last week about a woman who’d lost a board and people were suggesting her dh threw it away, and in my head I thought dh would never thrown something away without consulting me first. But he did just that.

1. I haven’t been giving him silent treatments and I’m not abusive. I’ve just not wanted to engage in conversation for a long period because I’m sad.

I like the idea of buying a new pot to make new memories with but it would have to be really special and the right size too.

The pot was old and broken and it sounds like your DH was frightened of the mood you were going to be in when you found out about it.

Could there be some truth in this commitment @CoCoCorona? Could he have kept quiet because he was worried about how you would react? X

Because you’re sad?
It was broken and he knew you would overreact so he didn’t tell you. Sounds like he’s walking on eggshells around you. Can’t you see how destructive that is?
It’s a pot.
I once dropped a beautiful mug that was given to me by someone very special. It was irreplaceable and at the time I was rather gutted. But it was an accident. And it was a thing. Not a person. Not my memories of that person.

*If DP broke any of my cooking things, he'd tell me straight away. I know this because it's happened occasionally and he has.
**
*Why didn't OP's DH do the same?

Maybe he thought he was an adult.

In our house the kitchen isn't divided into my things and his things. We just have things. If a thing is broken it is quite normal to bin it and I wouldn't even think of telling DH 'straight away'. It might get mentioned if it was something important that needed replaced and he was going shopping, but aside from that we don't live in a weird relationship where we need to 'fess up' or 'check in' where're we do anything.