Was I nasty/selfish to not help this man today?

[newyorkcity9]

Was on my way to work this afternoon (I’m a shift worker) and needed to stop by the office on the way to my call to pick some paperwork up. The parking outside the office is terrible so I normally just pull up on double yellows and run in quickly. I was no more than 5 minutes when I returned to my car to find another car parked in front of me and there were two men standing next to it with the bonnet up fiddling with things.

Just as I was about to get in and drive off, one of the men came up to me and asked if that was my car to which I said yes. He explained he had a flat battery and would I mind if he used my car to jumpstart it, I said no, sorry and explained I was in a rush to get to work (not strictly true but I didn’t want to be rude). The actual reason why I said no was because I felt slightly uneasy letting two random strangers mess around with my car. My car is my pride and joy and also a requirement that I need to do my job (without a car I can’t work).

I have no clue about these sorts of things, but if I did I may have felt slightly better about letting them use it as I could have observed. They could of pressed the wrong thing/broken something and I would be none the wiser.
After I said no, the man kept saying “oh but it’ll only take a minute”. I just reiterated about being late for work and apologised. As I got into my car, he walked away and I heard him mumble under his breath “bitch”, they were also giving me dirty looks when I drove away so I was kind of glad I didn’t help them tbh.

I’m just doubting myself now though. If it was you, would you have helped? I’m a carer so my job is to help people. I had a flat battery a few years ago but my brother helped me sort it, I would of never of thought to ask a random stranger on the street. AIBU?

Hold up a second. My message got deleted because I posted that you were being unreasonable on an AIBU post!? I'm completely done with this forum. You can't even disagree with someone's behaviour when they're outright asking whether their behaviour was ok. Mental.

You didn’t just disagree, you put out there a dangerous opinion

I think you were wise not to assist. Yes they must have just driven there. They would need to be positioned bonnet to bonnet in order to use jump leads (were they?) and if there were two of them they could have probably 'bump' started it...

You can’t go around driving needing a jump start each time it starts

No, but it may have been they were getting the car back on the road it may well have been laid up and not used with the lockdown, the battery may well have been on its last legs anyway so they got started and then stopped again and found it would not restart so need a jump

Hower it being right outside where POP was on Yellow lines maybe no real matter persumably facing the OP's car, well just how long is a piece of string??

They seeing that it now does have a problem then off to car spares shop for a new battery and hopefully the person chaging the battery would check the alternator fan belt tension as a alternator that isn't delivering will often not supply enough power to charge the battery!

And even with my most oldest unreliable cars where they have been prone to not starting, this has not happened

Well you havent had to cope with some i've had to cope with in the last 49 years now, As when I stared driving an old banger was all that could be afforded. Still back then most every adult dad's uncles etc had bene in the forces and had learn't something about cars and passed that know how down and by that I learnt a lot but suffed a lot too!

Nowadays there are some very good car finance deals so a new car for what?, a hundred and odd a month, no brainer for most!

I’d say no too (also feeling bad incase it was genuine) but it’s too risky incase they ruin something or aren’t sincere. I’d be glad I said no anyway after being called a bitch! acting like you owe him something

That was a seriously scary situation Blobby10. I shudder at the thought of what he had planned for you.

Not too sure about that justaboy. I’ve had my fair share of bangers.
Old E30’s that needed bump starting if left more than a week and old Saab 900’s (old enough to have a manual choke) that would just decide to stop as you were driving.

I learnt very quickly how to sort myself out and get moving again as lived rurally. But my example is the exception to the rule.

The times I hadn’t been able to jump it on my own I would be calling someone I knew with leads, tow rope or just a helpful push.
As a woman on my own I wouldn’t have been asking strangers for help when I was knowingly stranded

@Blobby10 that is absolutely chilling.

The truth of the matter is that no decent man approaches a lone female who is a stranger to them - for any reason.

It happens to me consistently when I visit London. We're talking three times in as many years that a male who is a complete stranger to me has approached me when alone. The worst of the CF'ery was one asking me to tie his shoelaces for him as he was injured and couldn't bend down. The answer is always 'no'.

Thank you, OP, for posting this thread. It's a timely reminder.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks
The truth of the matter is that no decent man approaches a lone female who is a stranger to them - for any reason.

I think that is a bit extreme.

I consider myself to be a decent man, and I have approached a lone female who is a stranger to me on a number of occasions, for instance to ask for directions, or to offer to carry a heavy suitcase up or down stairs, or to tell her that her bag is open, or to offer my seat on the Tube if she is pregnant or elderly or is wearing an NHS badge and looks tired.

Tone and body language matters. If I am doing this then I keep a certain physical distance, even more so if there are not many other people around. Hopefully I have managed this without causing fear or offence. For now this is all suspended anyway due to social distancing, but as/when we return to some sort of normalcy I would plan to resume in the same way.

No, but it may have been they were getting the car back on the road it may well have been laid up and not used with the lockdown, the battery may well have been on its last legs anyway so they got started and then stopped again and found it would not restart so need a jump

All within 5 minutes, @Justaboy?

And why should OP assume that was the scenario anyway?

@HelpFlattenTheCurve, thanks for your perspective. My phrasing wasn't the best and I can see why this comes over as a little extreme. Allow me to qualify.

Clearly it's fine to offer heavily pregnant women tube seats and I do that too. You're right that tone and context matter a great deal. There's a vast difference between offering someone a seat on a tube, or asking a lone woman for help or directions, say, alongside a lonely railway station after dark. I'd personally be grateful to anyone who pointed out that my bag was open (provided they didn't use this as an opening to conversation, asking my name and destination etc., both things of which have happened to me in the past).

Offering to help with heavy bags etc is on the face of it a benign gesture, but one that can quickly become sinister if that offer is refused and a man won't hear the answer 'no'. That's the first red flag Gavin de Becker points to in The Gift of Fear. He also offers a frightening example of the sort of situation to which that can lead.

As to my post above, I'm referring to repeated incidents of men approaching me on the pretext of needing help: their shoelaces fastened, money for a taxi for a lone male's '12-week pregnant wife' (at which stage she'd barely be showing, and incidentally where WAS this wife?) - if I doubted his integrity here was an RAF ID card or some such) - a strange and very threatening accusation - again from a lone male - that I'd thrown a cigarette out of a pub window in London when there's a smoking ban in force and I don't smoke in any case. I could name numerous other dubious actions of that sort.

Women have to perform mental risk assessments all the time. Every day. If this isn't the way you always been forced to live it's quite difficult to understand what this is like. I'm aware of the NAMALT defence. They're not. But unfortunately the would-be dangerous ones don't come with a neon sign on their foreheads. And while it's not necessary to live your life cowed and in fear of all men, most women are well-versed in performing these risk assessments in lonely or threatening situations, without necessarily even being aware we're doing it.

I'm not reading the full 11 pages so apologies if I have missed any further info but YWNBU.

You listened to an uneasy gut feeling despite social conditioning telling you otherwise. This should become the norm for women.

They weren't in a life or death situation, this is what breakdown cover is for.

I would say you were proven right when one of them called you a bitch for saying 'no'. A reasonable person would have understood when you said you needed to get to work, especially in the current climate when you could be a front line worker.

I would have said no as well. As a lone woman, you can't be too careful, even in broad daylight.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

Everything you wrote makes complete sense, and it makes me sad that females have to put up with so much shit, mostly from males.

I cannot possibly have the visceral awareness that all women (including my daughter) need to develop in order to remain safe in the face of creepy behaviour. It certainly doesn't help that each creepy man will initiate so many more encounters with lone women than a non-creepy man, that even if the creeps are a very small percentage of all men, the result is that many if not most of the approaches received by a lone woman will be from creepy men.

The only parallel I can think of that affects men just as often is this: when somebody walks up to me in the street and asks "have you got a moment", most of the time they are about to ask me for money. That does not mean that most of the people out there are asking for money … just most of the ones who approach me in the street.

To finish, a question on the bags: do you think I should stop offering to help? It seems to be about 50-50 who take me up on it, and the 50% who say yes often appear to be relieved, and I only offer when there are other people around, but it never occurred to me that the other 50% could be worried that I might become nasty if they say "no, thanks."

To finish, a question on the bags: do you think I should stop offering to help? It seems to be about 50-50 who take me up on it, and the 50% who say yes often appear to be relieved, and I only offer when there are other people around, but it never occurred to me that the other 50% could be worried that I might become nasty if they say "no, thanks."

I think tone is important here - if you just say "you ok?" Or "need a hand?" And gesture towards the bag from a few steps away I would never think you were invading your space.

It more when people just grab it (which happens quite a lot) and say "I'll take that" / "no no I insist" etc when it invades space and makes me feel anxious.

I have a fucked up arm with a big scar which means I'm not much use with helping now but before I was the bionic woman I would always offer help to someone who looked like they were struggling, regardless of age / gender. And I'd just stay a few steps away and say "need a hand?" Or similar and then listen if they said no thanks, not insist.

Your obviously just being a nice person which most people will be able to tell and if anyone is spooked by you then remember not to take it personally, it's likely due to previous negative encounters they've had or fear of something bad happening.

So offer, once, in a neutral and casual way and then listen to their answer. It's nice to be nice and you obviously are

Meant that to say: I think tone is important here - if you just say "you ok with that?"

I think tone is important here - if you just say "you ok?" Or "need a hand?" And gesture towards the bag from a few steps away I would never think you were invading your space.

It more when people just grab it (which happens quite a lot) and say "I'll take that" / "no no I insist" etc when it invades space and makes me feel anxious.

I fully agree with this. It's the 'insisting' that feels so threatening. A man's inability to hear the word 'no' when we've given a polite refusal is very scary to many women. Not that I'm suggesting for a moment that the PP would do this. I'm also on board with listening carefully to their answer - and hearing it.

I've actually done this kind of thing with people who I've seen were upset in a public place and I didn't want to interfere but didn't feel happy walking on by, either. I've stopped and said: 'I don't mean to intrude, but are you OK?' In every case, I've been told 'yes', so in that event the only possible response is to back off.

I should also add that I'm not a naturally anxious or paranoid person. I'm nearly 6-feet tall and a reasonably strong and athletic woman. I've heard many women say they are well able to take care of themselves, and I can, but most women are no match for a determined attacker. There's also no point saying 'I don't put myself in dangerous situations' because it isn't always possible to gauge what these are. I've been a victim of male abuse, assault, harassment and worse, and have far too many #MeToo stories to tell. In this respect I perhaps am not the best person to ask for an objective view.

I've actually done this kind of thing with people who I've seen were upset in a public place and I didn't want to interfere but didn't feel happy walking on by, either. I've stopped and said: 'I don't mean to intrude, but are you OK?' In every case, I've been told 'yes', so in that event the only possible response is to back off.

This is so true. Though the exception for me has been when I was going through an unnecessarily dramatic break up and was doing some silent crying on a bus and a woman just popped a little pack of tissues in my hand when she got off. I always remember how lovely of her that was and I would have felt the same if it was a man or a woman - they did it as they were leaving and didn't make a fanfare, it was just a little act of selfless solidarity to someone sad. Very sweet.

Yanbu to help them if you didn’t want to (although I would have) but yabvu to park on double yellows for any reason whatsoever.

If they had been parked on those double yellow lines for less than five minutes, how did they even know the car wouldn't start? Think about it. Who parks up, switches off and then immediately tries to start up again?

I think they had designs on either you or your car and you protected yourself wisely in a very fishy situation. A decent man would have understood your concerns and waved you away. He swore at you because you were smarter than he thought you'd be.

Thanks to this thread I’ve been listening to The Gift of Fear all day - it’s really good. Thanks to all those who recommended it

If they had been parked on those double yellow lines for less than five minutes, how did they even know the car wouldn't start? Think about it. Who parks up, switches off and then immediately tries to start up again?

Anyone who has just got the car started and stopped and wants to re-start again!

In fact the OP could have got into her car driven it for a mile or so and then stopped went to the shop and then get back in it and re-started the car why should our crew in the duff battery car be any differnt?.

I could leave here, drive to the post office in the high st, go in come out and restart the car? Perhaps thats what they did having got it started and then tried again to re start and problly ended uo swearing as they were now stuck and had to fork out for a new battery!

And yes they might be trying a try on to nick the OP's car I do know of those who try to rob people stuck in trafic and leg it the car owever relayctant to leavs the car and give chase sometimes they have the moped handy for a quick getaway!

Rebelwithallthecause Yes sounds like you've had a colection as well;)

Ever had one with a starting handle?, now there was a bit of a knack using one of they, and not getting your wrist runined!

Nope, I wouldn't have engaged at all. Sorry, but I wouldn't take the risk with my personal safety.

they had been parked on those double yellow lines for less than five minutes, how did they even know the car wouldn't start? Think about it. Who parks up, switches off and then immediately tries to start up again?
🧐. Didn't op do precisely that?

"The actual reason why I said no was because I felt slightly uneasy letting two random strangers mess around with my car. "

Good - because you SHOULD have been uneasy. There was a lot to be uneasy about.

Two men, claiming to have a flat battery, appearing by your car in the 5 minutes you were inside. Where did the car come from, with it's miraculous flat battery? How did it get there, with it's miraculous flat battery? How were they expecting to restart it's miraculous flat battery?

It's got scam written all over it. Your new car is undoubtedly very attractive to thieves. Once your bonnet was up, you'd be unable to drive off if you got wind of any funny business.

Fuck them. Two men can push a car and jumpstart it that way - I've been there and seen it done!

You did the right thing.