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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give the kids beans on toast for tea?

138 replies

whenskiesaregrey · 14/05/2020 17:52

I bought the kids a crazy golf set off Groupon for the garden. Nice little wooden set with fun little obstacles. They were playing lovely, and I'm shattered after a day in work so I order a Domino's as a treat for us all. Plan to surprise them with it. Food is ten minutes away and the crazy golf suddenly evolves into DS10 getting frustrated, DD7 taunting him, DS10 hitting DD7 with the golf club and DD7 booting one of the obstacles in temper so that it breaks. They scream at each other. I shout at them to get in the house. They both storm off to their bedroom, I tell them to stay up there. I get "you're the worst mummy ever" shouted down the stairs from DD. Domino's arrive. I tell them they're no longer having it after their ungrateful behaviour and make them beans on toast instead. They're now sat at the table looking very forlorn and I feel guilty and sad as our evening has been ruined. I will not tolerate ungrateful behaviour when there's children out there who don't get things bought for them.

IABU not to let them have the pizza?

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 14/05/2020 19:28

I don't think food should ever be used to control or punish children. It's not a message I'm happy with.

Original poster
whenskiesaregrey · 14/05/2020 19:30

@megletthesecond at the point I told them to come in, that was probably all that would have happened. I think breaking the equipment and then screaming at me probably tipped me over!

OP posts:
Original poster
whenskiesaregrey · 14/05/2020 19:30

@Disfordarkchocolate I'm not trying to control them. I'm trying not to reinforce ungrateful behaviour.

OP posts:
mumsonthenet · 14/05/2020 19:30

Ask them to behave and not damage new toys.
How we deal with it maybe needs adult help and an apology.
I would not compare to other kids situation I think that is unfair.
Beans on toast is a nourishing meal, I would say more the time out to defuse everyone's behaviour than going without pizza.
I think children are self centred beings not ungrateful.

Zeusthemoose · 14/05/2020 19:32

It seems strange to withhold a treat they didn't know they were getting. What happens tomorrow if they have a fight before dinner - beans on toast again?

Also threatening to throw food in the bin as a punishment seems really wasteful especially when you like to remind them how lucky they are compared to the vunerable kids you teach.

Like others I would have given them a chance to cool down and apologise. Withholding pizza isn't going to stop normal family squabbles.

Original poster
whenskiesaregrey · 14/05/2020 19:33

@mumsonthenet I understand what you're saying but I think breaking a new toy is ungrateful.

OP posts:
Healthyandhappy · 14/05/2020 19:40

So your 10 yr old who is legally able to be convicted hit a 7 year old with a golf club. ? Does he find this acceptable shes then tot angry and upset and kicked a toy rather than hit her brother. Your son is in the wrong. I have 2 dd age 5 and 10 and deal with this constantly I'd have shouted sent room then had tea and banned roblox instead

Original poster
whenskiesaregrey · 14/05/2020 19:45

Healthyandhappy please see my other posts. My son has admitted his fault and apologised. Not that it matters at all but it's very often the other way around in terms of perpetrator so he doesn't make a habit of it. Think talk of conviction is a bit strong! It was a wooden toy golf club, not a 5 iron. He doesn't have a console either, so he doesn't go on Roblox.

OP posts:
maggienolia · 14/05/2020 19:45

To be honest I would have found the Domino's pizza a bigger punishment than the beans
(misses point of thread)

lynsey91 · 14/05/2020 19:45

I think you were right. Your children are old enough to respect things that have been bought for them.

Mind you I would far rather have the beans on toast. I think Dominos is horrible

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 14/05/2020 19:47

I think you need to follow through.

My 3 DC were about 9, 7 and 5 at the time and we were going to the library as a treat. They were being horrible and fighting in the car as I pulled in to carpark.
Told them they needed to stop rowing and apologise or we would not go in.
No one did.
I pulled back out of the carpark and we went home.
They are now early 20's/Uni aged and they still remember that.

Never make idle threats-they will know you don't mean it.

Also don't back yourself in the corner where you have to follow through and regret the threat.

I think you did the right thing. And I love cold pizza for breakfast.

AndMyHairWillShineLikeTheSea · 14/05/2020 19:49

So your 10 yr old who is legally able to be convicted hit a 7 year old with a golf club. ? Does he find this acceptable shes then tot angry and upset and kicked a toy rather than hit her brother. Your son is in the wrong. I have 2 dd age 5 and 10 and deal with this constantly I'd have shouted sent room then had tea and banned roblox instead

Oh ffs a 10yo hit his sibling who is only 3 years younger and you're talking about being legally able to be convicted. Are you quite alright????

TheSheepofWallSt · 14/05/2020 19:50

This isn’t using food as a punishment- it’s not about the food. It’s about the treat. Similarly I wouldn’t take my child into a cafe for cake and hot chocolate if he’d just kicked me in the shin. Huge difference.

MrsGrindah · 14/05/2020 19:57

I think you handled it really well OP. You weren’t using food as punishment. You withdrew a treat and they had a perfectly nice meal instead. No harm done and hopefully they will think twice next time.

To the PP who said it was cruel..my god be grateful you’ve never experienced real cruelty

notangelinajolie · 14/05/2020 19:59

Totally not the point but beans on toast is not a punishment - it is way nicer than Dominos.

But yes, you did the right thing in sticking to your guns and not letting them have pizza.

Thisismytimetoshine · 14/05/2020 20:04

I don't think it was cruel, I just think it was pointless.

SiaPR · 14/05/2020 20:11

I agree not to use food as a reward, it’s a meal. But Dominos pizza is so disgusting. The beans on toast is much better.

Phrowzunn · 14/05/2020 20:41

The amount of people saying they’d give their kids the pizza!! As if you’d give your kids a treat like that after they’d behaved so badly. I’d be LIVID if my two behaved like that and probably send them to bed without any tea, never mind give them Dominos - good grief! Agree give them some tomorrow if they’re very good and very apologetic.

Thisismytimetoshine · 14/05/2020 20:42

Maybe we don't all revere Dominos pizza the way you seem to, Phrowzunn?

Brakebackcyclebot · 14/05/2020 20:43

I don't think you've used food as a punishment. You fed them a perfectly good meal. What you did was withdraw a treat for poor behaviour.

Chillipeanuts · 14/05/2020 20:46

Dominos is a treat. Bad behaviour = no treat. Wouldn’t waste another second worrying about it.
They’ll think twice next time.
Enjoy your pizza, hopefully in bed with a glass of wine, watching telly, when they’ve gone to bed.

Twigletfairy · 14/05/2020 20:54

I too am a firm believer that food should never be used as a punishment. Just the same as I never use any kind of food as a treat or a reward. I also don't think the whole evening should have been ruined If that was the only thing that went to shit today.

Because the food was ordered I would have let them have it, but taken away screens or something else

Phrowzunn · 14/05/2020 20:59

@Thisismytimetoshine takeaway pizza (in fact any kind of takeaway) would be a big treat in my house!

Stripeytopgirl · 14/05/2020 20:59

Lol @ the poster making this sibling fight a criminal offence 🤣

YANBU OP! You know, sometimes we feel bad for our kids because we just love them so much but you’re doing the right thing!

You’re doing them a favour, kids need to know they can’t be entitled little shits and just get get get what they want anyway!

Breaking the new toy & hitting each other - unacceptable. No pizza as a punishment - reasonable.

I think pizza for breakfast is a good compromise when they apologise to each other & I bet they won’t do it again! (On pizza night anyway Grin)

Unrelated but my DH’s parents used to order a take away for themselves and make the kids oven food!! Now that is EVIL!! 😂

Chillipeanuts · 14/05/2020 21:05

Twigletfairy

I too am a firm believer that food should never be used as a punishment“

Does Dominis count as food? Grin

I love it now and then but there’s really no nutritional value. Beans on toast is much better for you so technically mum was rewarding them.