To ask what my husband should expect of me?

[needanewusernameplz]

Background:

Pregnant, moved from Australia, due to complicated work set up not eligible for paid mat leave here or there, and on a spouse visa so cannot claim statutory maternity pay.

I have saved enough, to fund effectively my own mat leave for around 6-9 months. Baby due next week.

Because I have no income, the house we're buying isn't in my name, in fact nothing here is.

In terms of "ways I contribute" what do you think is reasonable. Is it reasonable that I take on all the house duties? Like cooking, cleaning etc. Or is it more than reasonable to expect help.

Reason I ask is I had a pretty awesome job that I loved, earned great money; and I found it incredibly rewarding, and I said to my mother in law how much I missed it and would miss it. And she said back, well you have more important things to think about like keeping a nice house and raising a family. Family bit I get, but the rest? It doesn't sit right with me.

Just because I don't earn an income, is it unreasonable to expect husband to do fair share of domestic stuff? Even if I still contribute a lot financially?

Family member was seeing a millionaire never got put on deeds anyways split up she moved out with kid she gets nothing as wasnt on deeds get u name of it

Husband is verrryy funny about money, in fact once when I asked him to help buy something for the baby, he complained and gave me attitude all afternoon about it (it was a second hand sleephead pillow) and he paid £30 pound. Meanwhile I have literally bought everything else because I don't want to have to deal with that attitude again. Too bloody hard!

You've 100% funded the baby that is 50% your responsibility because you don't want to have to deal with your parents "attitude"...?

honestly the rest of our relationship is fine, the money thing was our choice and it was all roses until I ended up here with no job to return to.

Ok but most relationships are 'fine' until stressful times test them. Like moving countries, having babies, global pandemics, changes in employment, financial pressures... so the fact everything was 'fine' before is irrelevant now. That fact is, now, that you're with someone who sees his own child as your responsibly to fund and care for. He bemoans spending THIRTY QUID towards it.

You seem so placid considering the position you're in, I'm concerned you aren't willing to take a step back and reassess how vulnerable you are right now and how far outside of ok his attitude is!

Your partner's attitude that was meant to say, not your parents attitude

I know a woman who was in such a similar situation, gave up career and earnings for a man, used all her savings on a baby, and moved to her husband's area, only to have him cheat and self-harm, then keep the baby as essentially a hostage.

She's just given up all parental rights to allow the child to be parented by her MIL, who is at least a little better than her ex-husband. When she divorced him, she had no way to stay, and no way to take her daughter with. She may never see her again.

As per my previous post I am ex mortgage advisor -as well as not being allowed in mortgage as not been in country long enough (as already posted) most mortgage companies will not accept two names on deeds and only one on mortgage. This is because if mortgage holder defaults the mortgage provider could not repossess. You can have joint mortgage applicants & only one on deeds.

You might want to be financially independent from your husband and that's fine, everyone does it differently (though it does get complicated when one of you is temporarily not earning).

But I'd be very disappointed on behalf of my child that he wanted to be financially independent of them, when it is a shared responsibility. It's just very sad that he doesnt want to buy the baby anything and sees it as your job. To be honest I couldn't be with someone like this, not helpful I know but I'd be questioning, if paying for the baby is your sole responsibility, what's his attitude towards who's responsibility it is to feed it, play with it, look after it when its sick, teach it etc etc.

To answer your original question your MiL is about 50 years out of date. Me and my husband and a lot of other couples I know, count looking after young children as 'work'. So he works and you work. And then everything else gets shared equally, for us in terms of time, so we get equal leisure time, equal nights off, equal nights out, equal chore time, equal night wake ups, equal time off work with sick kids, equal pick ups and drop offs from nursery etc. In practice for us, at first he had to do everything other than holding the baby as I had a bad birth and was breastfeeding round the clock and couldn't even manage to eat a sandwich for the first couple of months. But by the end of my part of the maternity leave the baby was napping much better so in reality I had time to bung a wash in the machine and do some prep for dinner so I'd do a bit more around the house.

Not being on the mortgage, is no treason for not being named on the title deeds, making her an equal owner.

Why would you move from Australia to the uk? That is madness. Madness.

I’m sorry OP but this is such a messed up way of thinking, it’s both of yours baby so why are you the only one contributing.

@Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal don't even get me started, I am so so homesick.

OP, is the situation of you and your husband living in the UK a permanent one, or have you got plans to move back to Australia at any point?

who's decision was it to move?
You sound as if you had it quite sorted in Auz.

And while you are both childless maybe its easy to get into the seperate finances situation, however that all needs looking at differently once children come into the mix, because of maternity/childcare and impact on future earnings unless he is absolutely 100% hands on and equal in terms of respinsibility. Which he doesnt sound as if he is.

Just thinking out loud but what would happen if OP didn't register her DHs name on babies birth certificate? Would baby still legally be a UK citizen?

Your current situation sounds really alarming OP, it reminds me a lot of my own abusive marriage. I have since left with my children but we are all UK based so I didn't have any residency issues. If there is ANY way whatsoever to book the next flight back to Oz I would do it. Consider it an emergency in the same way as you would if you needed to fly back for eg a family bereavement. Please don't wait OP.

It isn't entirely irrelevant whose name the house is in, it sets out the form of ownership (joint tenancy/tenancy in common) and it ensures the property cannot be sold without her knowledge and consent. A right to occupy the marital home can be registered, a specialist lawyer should be able to advise. Ownership also affect inheritance (eg if intestacy rules apply), it needs to be considered carefully.

Oh gosh op. Good luck.

Housework or being a mum isn't a proper job, it's just a part of living in a family so it should be shared and he should do his fair share.

It has nothing to do with the mortgage. My husband took the mortgage on our house but my name was on the deeds. And it was our money, even when I gave up work.
My husband did not do any housework - though he was also a very tidy man. But we had a cleaner who also ironed. He didn't do a lot of childcare either, but he worked 60-70 hour weeks.
It's a trade off. But more to do with time than money.

You may not be able to claim statutory maternity pay, but he could claim some parental leave. What's his company's policy on it?

If you keep your finances separate, he should absolutely be paying for half of all the baby's expenses. Don't start to get into the habit of thinking of the kids' costs as yours only. They're half yours and half his. Every single one of them.

If he's helping with your living expenses during the next 6-9 months (bills, food etc?) then I think contributing by doing as much of the childcare/chores as you can during office hours is the right way to go. Obviously in evenings and on weekends, it should all be shared.

But if you're paying your own way during the next 6-9 months, then he should be doing half of everything, just as if you were working FT.

Best to have the difficult conversation now, but think first about what YOU feel is reasonable, rather than simply asking him about his expectations. (Keep in mind you may have very different ideas about what is a "fair share' of domestic stuff, especially if your other half comes from a traditional family.)

I have one friend who talked with her husband about what they both wanted and agreed that he would be the bread winner and she would be responsible for everything in the home (childcare, shopping, cooking etc). It wouldn't be my choice, but it works for them. Key point is, they talked about it - a lot - before changing the life they had to one that now suits them both.

I'd get myself on a ferry to France if you can, have the baby, then fly back to Australia. but get out of the UK now.

Why did you move to the UK?! You won’t be able to go back home when your relationship breaks down OP. Unless you’re willing to leave your child behind. Your husband was fine when you earned more than him and he didn’t have to contribute extra to a new baby/bills/your mat leave. I would bet he is going to be very awkward about paying for childcare too if you manage to find a job that pays enough to go back to.

It’s obviously not possible to leave the UK and have the baby in Australia at the moment. The only thing you can do is play the long game and persuade him to return to Sydney.

What Anti said. You either persuade him to move back and then split there or that's you stuck here, forever. ALWAYS a big mistake to marry a stingy person, procreate with them and move to a foreign country with them.

Assuming you can't move right now:

1. MIL can fuck right off. My mother said something similar. I said that mat leave is for looking after the baby and recovering from labour, not for being a drudge. Husband can do what he always did - and if he's not prepared to do that he can pay for help. I'm not there to iron his socks.

1. The above applies whether or not you are contributing financially.

1. Stop contributing financially this instant. You might need running away money in a few months (I'm in Aus and as you no doubt know it's looking like at least another 4 or so months before international flights open up so you have bit of time to save.)

1. The tight with money thing sounds like my husband. I always earned more than him too, but he would try to control my spending (which was not at all excessive - I spend very little on clothes and non-essentials). We fought and fought about it for probably 15 years. He's gotten better with age - and with me repeatedly pointing out every time he made an unnecessary purchase or bought takeaway instead of cooking 'I don't complain about you spending money on yourself, you shouldn't complain about me spending money on myself/kids". His initial response was 'Well, you spend more". So I went through 3 years of bank statements and showed my discretionary spending was 2/3rds of his. That helped, your mileage may vary of course.

Congratulations. Agree there are red flags in bus attitude. You are a couple & now a family, it's unacceptable that he sees the baby as your responsibility

Agree with the PP who said it's not your income but your VISA that means you can't go on the mortgage at this time

If you are married it doesn’t really matter whose name the house is in as you both have equal rights.