To ask what my husband should expect of me?

[needanewusernameplz]

Background:

Pregnant, moved from Australia, due to complicated work set up not eligible for paid mat leave here or there, and on a spouse visa so cannot claim statutory maternity pay.

I have saved enough, to fund effectively my own mat leave for around 6-9 months. Baby due next week.

Because I have no income, the house we're buying isn't in my name, in fact nothing here is.

In terms of "ways I contribute" what do you think is reasonable. Is it reasonable that I take on all the house duties? Like cooking, cleaning etc. Or is it more than reasonable to expect help.

Reason I ask is I had a pretty awesome job that I loved, earned great money; and I found it incredibly rewarding, and I said to my mother in law how much I missed it and would miss it. And she said back, well you have more important things to think about like keeping a nice house and raising a family. Family bit I get, but the rest? It doesn't sit right with me.

Just because I don't earn an income, is it unreasonable to expect husband to do fair share of domestic stuff? Even if I still contribute a lot financially?

Did you move here for his job presumably? In which case you’ve given up your own career combined with the timing of having a baby which means you should 100% be on shared family finances now - ie a joint bank account with all his income paid into it and yours too once you start earning again. I can’t believe you didn’t agree this in detail before you moved.

The refusal to pay for something for the baby is the biggest red flag for me. This indicates he doesn’t think the baby is his financial responsibility. You need to have a proper talk about this RIGHT NOW as it will only get worse - you read about women on here all the time who wind up paying for all childcare, kids clothes etc while also working part time, earning less than their partner but effectively enabling him to have a stellar career by being available for school runs, kids sickness etc.

He’s also mislead you about the house - to not be named on the house is very very worrying. As far as I’m aware having you named on the deeds is separate to the mortgage - he would have to declare you as a dependent in the mortgage application either way.

It works for some people to have separate money even with kids but then you need to keep such careful accounts of who spends what etc and it also strikes me as extremely unfair if someone earns less (just because you earn less doesn’t mean you work less hard - look at care workers, cleaners) which is often the woman, or if someone goes part time which effectively allows the other person to earn more. It’s much fairer and simpler to just treat money as joint - especially if you’re married as legally this is how it is viewed anyway.

I don't believe your DH couldn't put you on the property deeds. complete bollocks. I was a SAHM and contributed very little financially to our house when we bought it. I am on the property deeds with my DH.

And even when I was a SAHM, he did his share when he was home in evenings and at weekends. My job was not going to by 24/7 while his was 9 - 6 five days a week.

I imagine all the childcare expenses will fall to OP too and then it wont be worth her going back to work.

He needs to be contributing to EVERYTHING for the baby - even more so now you are on maternity leave and not earning. Its madness to be burning through your savings, especially with whats going on now - you need to be living within your means, and that means without your earnings at the moment as you dont have a job.

Your savings are finite and they will run out and leave you with nothing.

Babies are expensive - they dont need to be exhorbitant - plenty preloved stuff available.

he needs to get used to putting his hand in his pocket otherwise after the birth you will find that he is not paying for clothes, for nappies, for formula (if you need it) or food for the child, and it will get harder and harder for you to ask. You will be paying for 2 people on no money and he will be paying for his own fun stuff.

And then it will be a massive shock for him if you go back to work and the bills for childcare/child costs are asked for.

he needs to get used to the idea now that this is his responsibility.

you need to assume you wont have an income, and will be broke for a while, otherwise the old 'well its not worth the cost of childcare' will be rolled out.

He will also need to muck in with the baby jobs too. make sure he knows he has to do nights at weekend - maybe take a night each

otherwise his job will be too important for drop offs or pick ups or equal share of sick days

I still can't get over the idea that a woman thinks she should "self fund" her maternity leave with her own savings so she doesn't have to use any husband money.

I have a feeling monetary control has been an issue before this, or that would never have been what happened.

I would expect joint accounts and home ownership. Shared housework and child care. Full financial transparency and equal shares of fun money. So, the exact same as I would expect if you earned the same or more as your partner.

@belfastmillie house is in his name because of something to do with the mortgage application being affected, because I have no income? Maybe? I don't know how it works here.

Whether or not your name is on the mortgage has no connection to name on the deeds. As a married woman you have rights to the marital home and its very important you register them
see

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/marriage-your-rights-to-your-home/

You might also want to conside arranging for your baby to have dual nationality. Just in case anything goes wrong with your own right to stay in UK

If my husband wasn’t spending “his” money on all sorts of shit for our baby out of sheer excitement and wasn’t bending over backwards to share all cash just like we would share baby care and house stuff then I would be going back home to my house and career before baby was born.

Even dual nationality won't let her leave with the baby. I think you should try to get home today OP :(

I recognise some of the mistakes I made in your post.

I too thought of myself as fiercely financially independent, always liked to pay my own way. I saved for my maternity leave by myself and continued to financially contribute to the household while being a full-time SAHM, which I now recognise as silly, given that I wasn't earning anything but was caring for the kid/s full time. Those savings should have gone straight to my retirement fund and my husband should have been paying for everything. We both shared responsibility for the care of our children during working hours, but I did it all. That was my contribution. His contribution should have been to keep all the bills paid.

Meanwhile my husband's job became established as the important one in the family (which when it came to making choices about whose work was going to be flexible to accommodate the new fact of having children, meant that my job became second priority). He continued to sock away retirement income while mine stagnated until I went back to work. My income has not yet recovered its pre-child levels (kids are early primary).

However the main point is that your husband is tight and hates talking about money so much that he actively makes it difficult for you. (A tight man attracted to a financially independent woman, what a surprise!)

I also made the mistake of avoiding hard financial conversations "for an easy life" because they clearly made my husband uncomfortable and he made it difficult. Our (or more to the point my - now that I want to separate) financial issues are different to yours, but they were contributed to by me accepting his difficult attitude when it came to money and not insisting on getting hard details on paper in the early days.

Don't accept a conversation about being put on the mortgage deeds at a later date as the be-all and end-all. Get the agreement in writing now. Don't accept that your husband is "funny about money". It's a massive red flag. You're about to take a hit to your career and retirement savings. If you're a joint team, one person doesn't take a financial hit while the other consolidates their position. If you're doing all the childcare, that is your financial contribution to the household. You'll probably end up doing more of the housework and cooking, but it's fair to expect him to contribute equally when he's home from work, to answer your first question.

Key point: be very alert when someone becomes passive-aggressively difficult about a particular subject, especially one as important as money. It's a form of control that is likely to disadvantage you in the long run if you accept it.

Couldn’t be with someone that would get in a mood about spending £30 for his child or wife.

Another SAHM with name on mortgage and title deeds. No way would I have it any other way.

Hi OP, I had quite a similar situation to yours in many ways. I was overseas with my daughter's father when I had her, although we had travelled there together to work and we both had jobs and didn't own property. He didn't consider our daughter to be his financial responsibility. I stayed for the first six years of her life and then came back to the UK. He hadn't had much contact and had moved out long before then, but he wasn't bothered when I told him we were moving.

The big difference is that I had a job, only six weeks of maternity leave but wasn't reliant on savings. Is the nature of your work such that you can look around once the baby is born - are you able to work here on a spousal visa?

Even dual nationality won't let her leave with the baby. I think you should try to get home today OP

She can't go anywhere at 39 weeks pregnant.

Op he is never going to change. He is always going to be one of those men who see the partner and baby as extras that are "things" he has to pay HIS money on. This will never be an easy life for you unless you get your own job again. You are in an incredibly unstable situation.

She can if she has a reason and a doctors certificate!! I know someone who did it!!

Oh dear, he's certainly got you at a disadvantage doesn't he?

I'll preface by saying I'm in the US, so I don't know squat about why you can't be on the mortgage, here it's a joint mortgage even if it's a non-working spouse. And also here you don't have to be on the mortgage to be on the deeds, but maybe it's different there. But I do know there is a way for a spouse to 'register their interest' in the marital home with the Land Registry.

The other thing I never understood is why a 'formerly working' spouse is expected to have enough savings to 'support themselves' when a couples starts a family. If they both agree that she (or he) will be off work with no income during mat/pat leave then it's the responsibility of the working spouse to support the family. If they can save up to help out or they use it for personals (hair, hobbies, etc), fine. But too many times I see "I have to buy everything for baby" when having a baby is a 'joint project' therefore a joint expense.

There is no mandated maternity leave here, so my DH supported both of us until I went back to work. There was never a suggestion of "Well, you better save money so you can pay your way whilst you're off!". IMO, that's total bullshit.

As far as division of labour, when I was off I carried the lion's share as I had more time, but DH was expected to clean up after himself, do equal 'child work' (when I had #2), and be willing to pitch in with no complaints if I needed him to. So no, I didn't expect him to carry half the load.

Was a SAHP, no income and hadn't had income for some years - of course you can be put on the mortgage! He's told you that only so you don't get a chance at "his" house that he's spent "his" money on in case you divorce.

Oh OP, housework is the least of your worries. If you are on a spousal visa you could be deported from this country if you split and not be allowed to remove the baby. You couldn’t just take the baby, without risking your husband reporting you for abduction. I speak from experience here. This should be your immediate biggest concern. See a solicitor. There are agreements that can be drawn up in advance over what happens in these sorts of situations. Please please do this without delay and worry about the house/housework/finances afterwards.

I have only read the first few messages but my OH and I had the same thing with our mortgage yonks ago. Because I was still studying and he was working, the mortgage company would give us a much higher mortgage if the mortgage and house were in his name only. Being married, the house is a marital asset either way and in the event of a divorce it's entirely irrelevant whose name the house is in.

also as others have said, you can be on the deeds if not the mortgage

The bit that hit me was MILs commwnt about cooking and cleaning. You have been financially independent, as was I. Which is qhy we had a pre-nup because befor marriage I was the higher earner and had capital when DH had bugger all.

His mother spouted "I don't think you will need the cleaner now you have a baby and are at home." Only time my mother ever stuck up for me "Really Jean, did you bring your girls up to clean".

DH never had a problem with a cleaner and although we have always had separate finances he has never questioned one penny I have spent and when I stopped working transferred everything we needed.

My advice. Run for the hills as fadt as you can if he doesn't start behaving reasonably.

Massive red flags?!!! My exh (notice EX!) refused to buy anything for our child and went mad when I asked him to buy a thermometer because it was £40. He continued to expect me to pay ALL A expenses for our child and hasn't seen him since he was 3....complete tosser!!

Perhaps seek some informal legal advice just now before your daughter arrives?
You don't need to do anything with it but at least you'll have an idea of your situation and rights.
None of us can know what to tell you, you're in a vulnerable position though and it's probably better to have an idea of what your options are depending on how things go.
Money and attitudes to spending can be so divisive, it seems to be a perennial issue on these messaging boards! I can't bear tightness but never been one for planning.
I hope the rest of your pregnancy and delivery go well and wish you the best!

How did you agree childcare would be paid for when you return to work OP?