To ask what my husband should expect of me?

[needanewusernameplz]

Background:

Pregnant, moved from Australia, due to complicated work set up not eligible for paid mat leave here or there, and on a spouse visa so cannot claim statutory maternity pay.

I have saved enough, to fund effectively my own mat leave for around 6-9 months. Baby due next week.

Because I have no income, the house we're buying isn't in my name, in fact nothing here is.

In terms of "ways I contribute" what do you think is reasonable. Is it reasonable that I take on all the house duties? Like cooking, cleaning etc. Or is it more than reasonable to expect help.

Reason I ask is I had a pretty awesome job that I loved, earned great money; and I found it incredibly rewarding, and I said to my mother in law how much I missed it and would miss it. And she said back, well you have more important things to think about like keeping a nice house and raising a family. Family bit I get, but the rest? It doesn't sit right with me.

Just because I don't earn an income, is it unreasonable to expect husband to do fair share of domestic stuff? Even if I still contribute a lot financially?

Be careful. I don't think I've ever advised anyone on here to consider leaving their partner but once baby is born I think you are stuck here unless he agrees to you going home. Would you want to stay in England if you end up apart? Money differences are really destructive.

I've been married for 40 years and our money is separate and it suits us, I dont subscribe to the "you've got to have family money" I like my independence but on maternity leave he paid the bills, I suppose I did more housework generally when at home but then if I was unwell during pregnancy or struggling immediately afterwards (took my a while to recover from an EMCS) he did it all so I think it balanced out and if I was at home and did stuff when he was at work we could enjoy family time more. Everyone has to work out their own way with this sort of stuff.

If I was your mum I'd be wanting you back home so I am saying to you what I'd say to my daughter.

I hope it works out.

You have given up sooo much to come here. It's unthinkable whether you stay at home, or earn more or less that your name is not on the house. He should be doing his share of chores as you both have a baby.

Your MIL, what a toad ... let her carry on being a Stepford Wife, but you dont have to, we're not in the 1950s now! Good luck, be brave and strong.

OP you need legal advice ASAP. I'm scared that you may find yourself in a position if you split where you lose the right to remain in the UK, and have to return to Australia without your baby who will be a UK citizen, plus DH can prevent you taking baby out of the country.

If you weren't so far along I'd be advising you to slip away back to Oz before the birth.

Legal advice ASAP. You need a solicitor, and also consider contacting charities like Women's Aid who may be able to point you towards people who can advise.

What will he be paying for while you're on maternity leave, OP? Who's paying the mortgage, utilities, Council tax, food etc?

Sorry I missed page 2. Too late to get home I hope it works out, I have nieces and nephews with divorced parents and dual nationality and my sister ended up having to come home but not able to bring the children. I honestly don't know what you should do now. Good luck.

Your husband is an arse.

Get advice as it may not be that easy to go home if you need to.

And as an aside, the second-hand sleepyhead - has it actually been used? Not really advisable if it has.

@saraclara I'm contributing a fixed amount to cover expenses each month.

OK, if the baby is due in the next few days then you are unlikely to make it back to Oz, and would probably not be allowed to fly anyway.

You really need legal advice. I know you don't like being told that you are sleepwalking into this, and I don't think you are intending to, but you have already encountered a pitfall on the property ownership front and you have probably lost your job now.

Get proper legal advice. Don't listen to MIL. She is talking through her arse.

Lady, get your ass back to Australia and get your job back. You are isolated, no financial resources, expected to pay for your own maternity and no assets. Here on a spouse visa so that is not going to change any time soon, by which time you will have a child and you will be unable to go anywhere with that child unless your DH allows you. He has fucked you over good and proper.

This with bells on. I don't know what to suggest other than if OP goes on a "day trip" to Ireland or France, somewhere near, then has the baby there, does the Hague Convention apply then?

I fear she's going to be in a similar position to the lady who went to New Zealand and almost as soon as she got there it was apparent her husband was a dick of the highest order but she couldn't leave because of the children.

OP in the calmest,nicest possible way!! RUN...NOW!!

I was a SAHM for 14 years until 6 months ago. My name is on everything and if we spilt I will be entitled to at least 50%, maybe more because I would be looking after the DC. Marriage is a team effort. If he doesn't like it he can stay home and mind baby. Bet he won't go for that option.

Oh, and

To ask what I should expect of my husband?

There, fixed that for you.

You are isolated, no financial resources, expected to pay for your own maternity and no assets. Here on a spouse visa so that is not going to change any time soon, by which time you will have a child and you will be unable to go anywhere with that child unless your DH allows you. He has fucked you over good and proper.

This ^^

You have turned your life upside-down - moved across the world, left an awesome job you loved, you are bringing a baby into the world. The house should be in joint names. It makes precious little difference to getting a mortgage and having it in his name only won't allow him to keep it if you ever divorce. With regards to housework, you are about the go through childbirth and then you will need to heal and feed a baby. Your husband should do it to begin with. Then you should muddle through together. Either you are a team or you aren't. If you aren't a team and petty things like housework are a source of tension, get on a plane and go back home with your baby. He isn't worth sticking around for.

If you arnt working then you'd run the house and look after the baby , while your husband is at work. But it seems you have bigger problems than house work so I hope you get some legal advice ASAP.

I'm contributing a fixed amount to cover expenses each month.

What on earth for when your husband is contributing nothing to the expenses of the child!!!

What is your plan after 6-9 months of maternity leave -- will you be going back to work?

If so, then I wouldn't worry too much about everything -- it's a temporary situation. But I agree, your husband should still be doing his fair share on the evenings and weekends.

If you were to split up, then you would likely be able to stay on the basis of being a parent of a UK citizen child. But you would have to apply, it's not automatic and could be very stressful. I don't know what conditions are attached to it (e.g. salary?)

My advice is to get back to work pronto, to reduce your vulnerability. I know you say your relationship is good otherwise but things can change drastically once children come along.

Nah, I am a SAHM and dh still does loads around the house. I've not earned money for nineteen years but once he's finished work and he gets on with what needs doing. House in his name right now but for unrelated reasons and no issues. He's at Asda now while I watch tv. Total up how much it would cost for him to pay for all you'll do. But if you're arguing over this then I'd rethink so much.

And no, you cannot go back to Australia, that ship has sailed. Unless your husband gives you permission to leave permanently with your child.

Oh love you have given up everything for him, your independence, your country, your financial security.

He needs a big fat kick up the arse now. The house goes in joint names. Equal access to the money discussion needed now.

He has got you just where he wants you, tied to the home, foreign country with a baby and you wont be able to up sticks and go if it all falls apart.

Time to have that talk, not a minute later.

There is something wrong with what your husband is telling you.

We bought this house when we moved from abroad, as my husbands company was having to rehire him, the mortgage was done on my salary alone, we are both on the mortgage. He didn’t even have to provide pay slips. This is totally normal.

I put up with a lot of crap from my DH but one thing I wouldn't put up with is him being tight with money. He has a very good job, whereas mine is paid a pittance, but then that is because I have literally raised our DC singlehandedly whilst he worked long hours and worked away all the time. If he then turned round to me and said I couldn't buy this and that, then I would be off like a shot.

I know someone who earns around 200K. He buys himself designer gear all the time and his wife shops for her clothes in Tesco as she is a SAHM and it is "his money". Seriously, I'd take 1/2 his assets and go buy myself loads of stuff and tell him to F'off.

Hmm you are doing all the physical and emotional burden of bringing a child into the world - he expects the efforts of your labour does he with his name on the birth certificate? Well your name on the house please! His house then your baby - don’t put his name on it so you can leave and go back home easier when you wake up to the fact he’s an utter prick. Best of luck x

I think he needs to give you a portion of his earnings until you go back to work. An allowance for want of a better word. You are growing his baby, you will be caring for his baby while he is at work. He should be willing to contribute towards the costs of having a baby. And that includes the things you will be doing. It is a tough time to be away from your normal support network and, with lockdown, you can't even go to NCT classes to meet other Mums. This makes it extra important that he makes you feel loved and supported.

I was a student when we bought our house and though I had an income it couldn’t be taken into consideration with the borrowing calc. I contributed 80% of the deposit but on paper I had £0 income. Our house is in joint names. You don’t need to be earning for you to be on the mortgage your joint income just has to be enough for you to be able to afford it.

As for you not contributing, saving for mat leave etc etc well you are married and having his child, why are you thinking like that? The money should be “our money” no matter who is earning and the same goes for the house. Fair enough if you’ve saved to contribute to the pot, but this is all kinds of wrong if you are saving to pay your way effectively during mat leave.

With the house work granted you might do a bit more being on mat leave but you certainly don’t become your husband’s servant and have him swanning around watching you do it all. Your thinking is all wrong, I honestly couldn’t be married to or have a baby with someone who would think this way.