To ask what my husband should expect of me?

[needanewusernameplz]

Background:

Pregnant, moved from Australia, due to complicated work set up not eligible for paid mat leave here or there, and on a spouse visa so cannot claim statutory maternity pay.

I have saved enough, to fund effectively my own mat leave for around 6-9 months. Baby due next week.

Because I have no income, the house we're buying isn't in my name, in fact nothing here is.

In terms of "ways I contribute" what do you think is reasonable. Is it reasonable that I take on all the house duties? Like cooking, cleaning etc. Or is it more than reasonable to expect help.

Reason I ask is I had a pretty awesome job that I loved, earned great money; and I found it incredibly rewarding, and I said to my mother in law how much I missed it and would miss it. And she said back, well you have more important things to think about like keeping a nice house and raising a family. Family bit I get, but the rest? It doesn't sit right with me.

Just because I don't earn an income, is it unreasonable to expect husband to do fair share of domestic stuff? Even if I still contribute a lot financially?

Baby is due in about 3 days and not a great time to fly. All this stuff about the house only just came up.

Yes house is in joint name in Sydney and rented out.

I'm not stupid by the way, some people think I'm sleep walking into this but I'm not. I've earned more than him for a long time and was used to and really enjoyed my independence. I didn't have this issue in Sydney.

I was meant to be transferring to my company's office in London but have a feeling it all dried up when they found out about my pregnancy, obviously they were smart enough to come up with other reasons.

OP cannot be on the mortgage as she is on a spousal visa and hasn’t been in the UK long enough for her lack of income to be overlooked.

The baby stuff is odd, surely you would either both pay for things, or pay for things from a joint account.

I am not going to comment on your finances, as others will, but with regards to your question, I would not put it in stone. When DS was born he was a dream, slept for 4 hours woke, slept for 4 woke. So I did the majority of the housework, when DP got home, he would either do a bath or cook dinner, if I hadn't done it already

My Friend's DD was a completely kettle of fish, didn't seem to sleep at all, my friend would get her to sleep, try to lie her in her cot and the DD would be wide awake I have no idea how she managed to get through (I think) the 6 months it took, in that case her DH did the majority of housework

Husband is verrryy funny about money, in fact once when I asked him to help buy something for the baby, he complained and gave me attitude all afternoon about it (it was a second hand sleephead pillow) and he paid £30 pound. Meanwhile I have literally bought everything else because I don't want to have to deal with that attitude again. Too bloody hard!

OP without wanting to be brutal, he's abusing you financially. To be so shitty about paying for his own child's belongings that you no longer ask him to contribute is disgusting of him. Has he always been this much of an arsehole about money or has it got worse since your pregnancy? One of the classic signs of abuse is that it steps up a notch during pregnancy. That's not acceptable or normal by any stretch.

I don't know in terms of what he should expect - probably nothing because you're making him an actual human whilst he sits on his arse doing fuckall. And Mummy is helpfully there to put you in place, ordering you to "keep house" because apparently she lives in 1928.

You absolutely should be on the mortgage, you absolutely should be sharing the financial burden of your child and you absolutely should have the kind of relationship where he tells you "I want to get that" whenever you buy baby stuff because, frankly, what kind of man doesn't want to provide for his own child? You're having a baby with a manipulative liar. Please don't wait til his lies and manipulation get worse. Confront this when you feel strong enough and listen to the voices of reason on here.

Why would a mortgage application be affected because you don't earn?

Well apart from only your husband's income being taken into account?

If you're married isn't the house jointly owned?

I think you need to get good legal advice on several counts as a matter of urgency.

Firstly about the whys and wherefores of why you shouldn't be included in the ownership of the UK house. It may be because of your visa status rather than a marital/job thing (I have no idea), in which case if it genuinely can't be done, get the Aussie house put in your name so you have one each.

Secondly, I would want to have a very clear idea about what the legal implications are of having your child here and whether you could take them out of the country, if they would be a British citizen etc.

Thirdly, your former employer sounds terrible - is there any scope for that being investigated?

I am sure you are not stupid OP.
But you do seem very naiive and unaware of the legal straightjacket you are in.
Your husband has not put your name on the property, you have no income, you are here on a spousal visa, you will not be allowed to leave the country without his permission.
It isn't a good position to be in.

@diddl Her immigration status and the time she has spent in the UK will prevent her being on the mortgage.

OK - how far along are you? Can you still make it back to Oz? If yes, I would urge you to do so. Because otherwise you risk being stuck here until your child is at least 16, if not 18.

Your husband is not currently playing for your team. You may end up dependent, broke and stuck.

Your spousal visa, AFAIK, can continue to be processed, so if he does come to his senses, you can return at a later stage. Though I would want some kind of written agreement regarding finances and to ensure you would be able to return to Oz with your child if he does not comply.

Do leave now if you have ANY doubt about the viability of your marriage, and if you do not want to stay in the UK if your marriage were to break down.

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor

don't understand why you are funding your own maternity leave?
You didn't get pregnant all by yourself

True, I didn't, but obviously me having savings of my own is a personal choice as I like feeling like I can contribute, and want to have my own resources so I don't have to justify why I want things. Not that I spend loads on things for me but the whole point was it just took that need to have a discussion out of the equation and made it my call

Your husband sounds financially abusive

What position would you be in if you separated from your husband?*
*
I would likely have to go back to AU, but honestly the rest of our relationship is fine, the money thing was our choice and it was all roses until I ended up here with no job to return to.

Your child will be a UK resident but where the hell does that leave you? On spouse visa, so if we broke up it would be tough.

Any man who begrudges buying his own child anything is despicable.
That on its own tells you all you need to know about the type of man you married.

Sorry, yes you can leave the country but not with your child.

The fact she can't be on a mortgage does not necessarily mean that she shouldn't be included in the property deeds. These are two separate issues.

FlowerArranger
The baby is due next week.

Are you sure he and his mother would save you off to aus with your baby if you split up? Bear in mind I’m pretty sure he can legally force you to stay here once the baby is born. Perhaps that situation would be better if you wanted to leave very early on once you haven’t been here long but once you’re clearly residing here as a family I’m pretty sure he can stop you. You’re not stupid but you’re in an incredibly vulnerable situation with someone whose goodwill I certainly wouldn’t depend on. He sounds like an arsehole and you sound surprisingly forgiving of his obvious shortcomings.

*wave you off

Is be very worried in your situation he's lied about you not being able to be named on the house & he's complaining about sharing baby costs AND he's fine with sharing money but only if your earn more 😕 HUGE red flags ... X

Make sure you apply for duel citizenship for you child also x

"Her immigration status and the time she has spent in the UK will prevent her being on the mortgage."

Would that also mean that she couldn't be named on the deeds/not entitled to hold property in UK?

To add to this the plan was always going to be when I got an income and when the 5 year fixed rate (we got a pre covid rate, which was actually really good) expires we would refinance and add me.

Dual citizenship must be a priority.
My dc have dual citizenship and it is so, so important.

If you are an Australian citizen and not British then I am not sure how you stand with regard to having your name on both the mortgage and the deeds of the house, but I think that you need legal advice asap to be sure that you are as protected as you can be.

I'd be considering getting on a flight back to Australia as soon as you can (how does it work currently, with any coronavirus restrictions?). Do it before you have the baby, because I understand that Australia and the UK are both signed up to the Hague Convention, meaning that you would need your husband's agreement to take your child home with you, even if your relationship ends. If he doesn't give it then you will either have to return to Australia alone (without the baby) or remain stuck here in the UK, financially dependent on a miserly twat who sounds like he will begrudge you every penny.

Try to get your job in Sydney back. You're likely to need it as you are in a very, very vulnerable position right now and your husband is unhelpful at best.

@endofthelinefinally she (baby) will definitely have both. Husband is also a dual citizen.

She cannot fly anywhere at 39 weeks pregnant!

Husband is verrryy funny about money, in fact once when I asked him to help buy something for the baby, he complained and gave me attitude all afternoon about it (it was a second hand sleephead pillow) and he paid £30 pound. Meanwhile I have literally bought everything else because I don't want to have to deal with that attitude again. Too bloody hard!

So he doesn't see the baby as anything to do with him? It's your responsibility right down to the clothes it'll wear and the equipment it will need? In this day and age that's spectacularly sexist and I'm truly, truly appalled.

He's not going to expect to do anything for the baby, is he? Every single thing will be down to you. The housework will be the least of your problems.

You really really have to have this out with him now.