To ask what my husband should expect of me?

[needanewusernameplz]

Background:

Pregnant, moved from Australia, due to complicated work set up not eligible for paid mat leave here or there, and on a spouse visa so cannot claim statutory maternity pay.

I have saved enough, to fund effectively my own mat leave for around 6-9 months. Baby due next week.

Because I have no income, the house we're buying isn't in my name, in fact nothing here is.

In terms of "ways I contribute" what do you think is reasonable. Is it reasonable that I take on all the house duties? Like cooking, cleaning etc. Or is it more than reasonable to expect help.

Reason I ask is I had a pretty awesome job that I loved, earned great money; and I found it incredibly rewarding, and I said to my mother in law how much I missed it and would miss it. And she said back, well you have more important things to think about like keeping a nice house and raising a family. Family bit I get, but the rest? It doesn't sit right with me.

Just because I don't earn an income, is it unreasonable to expect husband to do fair share of domestic stuff? Even if I still contribute a lot financially?

Financially - he needs to pay for any baby expenses while you're not earning.

In terms of sharing the domestic load - everyone has their own view on this, but personally I think it's reasonable for you to do most or all of the cooking and cleaning during the week, but share the chores and baby care 50/50 at the weekend.

Will he have paternity leave? During that time he should do nearly everything while you recover from the birth and establish breastfeeding.

I'm a SAHM OP, when we bought this house we had joint mortgage because we both sold our own houses to buy it, I wasn't working at the time because of our son. I strongly advise you to sit down and have the discussion about money, housework, future job etc. ASAP and stick to it. This baby is not yours, nor is it his, it's a joint venture, just like the home (house) is, it should be joint mortgage, joint partnership, joint parenting, joint spending, you see where I'm going.... if you have more time at home and more time with baby because he's at work then that's just how things are, it's called pulling together in the same direction. I've never understood the couples who get their calculators out every time they want to buy something, it's pathetic imo. If you're currently together as a team, then support eachother and lean on eachother. You must work out how you will divide time and money now, before baby comes along. You're not asking for money btw, you're stating that it's needed/wanted for his family (you and baby). Your baby isn't going to expect 50:50 cuddles with you both either, as that's unreasonable and unrealistic and so it's the same with money and housework - pull together. Lastly, you're saving on childcare costs so it's catch 22.

Husband is verrryy funny about money, in fact once when I asked him to help buy something for the baby, he complained and gave me attitude all afternoon about it (it was a second hand sleephead pillow) and he paid £30 pound. Meanwhile I have literally bought everything else because I don't want to have to deal with that attitude again. Too bloody hard!

Lady, get your ass back to Australia and get your job back. You are isolated, no financial resources, expected to pay for your own maternity and no assets. Here on a spouse visa so that is not going to change any time soon, by which time you will have a child and you will be unable to go anywhere with that child unless your DH allows you. He has fucked you over good and proper.

Do you have friends or relatives here?

house is in his name because of something to do with the mortgage application being affected, because I have no income? Maybe? I don't know how it works here
and so we sleepwalk into being made dependent on a man

I can kind of understand in regards to money. I earn more than my husband, he pays for certain things in regards to funding the house we live in bills food etc but I pay for anything I personally want or want to do, gym, clothes, lunch dates with friends, my car etc and also contribute to the house and pay for bills 50/50 I cover some he covers others we leave it relaxed and just whoever pays, pays. If I want to travel back to the UK to visit my family (we live in his country) I cover the cost for this. But we don't discuss these things it just naturally happens. I love my financial independance and have never been bothered by this arrangement, and as I earn more than him I'm happy to pay for everything I want or need. My kids are from a previous marriage and me my ex provide for them. I see them as my responsibility. He buys them gifts, pays for us when we go out together or on trips as a family but their school care and general maintaince I pay for and their dad contributes. It's whatever works for you both to be honest. But in regards to the house, is the house in Sydney in your name only or in his name too? Do you contribute to the mortgage payments? I ask because my husband owns a property that is his and we rent it out but still see it as his property and this property we live in now I bought so it's my property. We may buy a house together in the future, and sell both and combine our money but we have only been married 3 years and are happy with our setup thus far. But in regards to your child that is both your responsibility so you should both be paying for anything regarding your child.

Think I’d be jumping on a plane back to Aus before the baby is born tbh!

Of course you and can and should be on the mortgage and house deeds. I was a sahm when we bought our house, I am on both.

This is like a slow motion NOOOOO unfolding. It's basically a MN bible of what not to do In a very short time, you have found yourself isolated and vulnerable with a man who begrudges paying for his child. Financial fuckery only gets worse when the woman is on maternity leave. A man who is amusingly miserly when you have a job is suddenly not so charming when you are reliant on him.

@midlifecrash no, just his family, no friends, he's english so his network is all here.

So once the baby's born it will be resident in the UK, but your visa is entirely dependant on your tight fisted husband. So if you and you husband separate will you have to leave the country without your baby?! You need legal advice, pronto.

Honestly, it sounds like you've been screwed over. You've moved across the world, given up half a house and a well paying job, to the UK where you own nothing, can't work and are expected to be a housekeeper for a miser who is holding your residency to random.

I believe you can take $10k out of your Australian super tax free due to Corona Virus, please do that and keep the money in your own personal bank account, not a joint one. You might need access to ready cash, and your husband (i will not call him DH) isn't going to provide it.

This is not sounding good, OP.

Oh lovely

Congratulations on your baby

Absolutely agree that how you and DH share work is nothing to do with your MiL however, there are some very serious concerns here.

house is in his name because of something to do with the mortgage application being affected, because I have no income? Maybe? I don't know how it works here.

Please, get yourself informed. This doesn't sound correct, you absolutely ought to have your name in the deeds of the house to confirm your joint ownership.

fund effectively my own mat leave for around 6-9 months.

What's this about ? Is the child his?

Meanwhile I have literally bought everything else because I don't want to have to deal with that attitude again.

Can you see how he is training you to take all the baby costs. What is he doing to balance the way you are literally growing his child ?

Having a baby should be a lovely time for you. Don't sleepwalk into financial abuse.

The house should be in your name too. His attitude towards you and his behaviour about money is concerning. You are about to be a family, you need to support each other.

I am a stay at home parent and my name has been on every mortgage we have had. My car is in my name and I have access to and knowledge of all of our finances.

I gave up my career to move to an area which suited my DH for his work, I did this willingly and I have no complaints, however the deal was not that I would do this to be his skivvy. He works hard so I do most of the house work, parenting and cooking during the week, however, he does pull his weight and when the dc were small and I was struggling he did loads.

OP, you're in a vulnerable position as you're new here and you shouldn't rely on your DH telling you things about how mortgages and home ownership work in the UK. Two separate issues, btw. You should get independent legal advice from a UK residential property solicitor asap before the transaction is completed.

As for your DH's attitude, it stinks, I'm sorry to tell you. I'd be running away. My father was like him and I never forgot that, at 33 I don't speak to him and I'm not interested in him or his money, he's a non-event from the past as far as I'm concerned. Sad, but trust me, well-deserved. Don't put yourself and your child through this nightmare.

Tbh, this all reads very cold. Do you and your husband love each other? Want to be a team?

OP, I haven't worked for all of our married life -long story...yes I have a lovely life.....no I don't regret anything....

We own our house and every house we have ever owned together. Both our names are on the deeds. There is absolutely no reason for you not to be equal owners. It is irrelevant who is on the mortgage. I am very concerned that your husband LIED to you and told you that the house had to be in his name only. He intentionally lied to you. That is seriously dodgy.

Let's not forget the fact you're saving him £1000 a month childcare fees!

This isn't good OP, your husband is financially abusive.
When you are a family all money is shared, you shouldn't be funding your own mat leave, you should be on the mortgage and everything should be 50/50.
Run for the hills before it's too late.
Why did you think this was acceptable for a minute.

I am an ex mortgage advisor & certainly when I was trading OP wouldn’t be allowed on mortgage without being in UK for at least 3 years.
That being said that doesn’t excuse the other red flags that others have pointed out & he is sadly lacking as a partner & father

Do you still have your house in Sydney?

tbh, I'd be considering going back to Australia to have the baby and taking it from there.

Maybe it will all work out. But you could find yourself a sahm with a husband who thinks the baby is your responsibility, his own money is his, a mil who thinks you live to serve him and no support - and no way of leaving the country either.

Op can't go anywhere. Baby is due next week.

just saw you are due next week so no chance of return to Australia.

Think I’d be jumping on a plane back to Aus before the baby is born tbh!

This (if it were possible of course!)

Your situation is not a family, a partnership. It’s insanity. I wouldn’t dream of attempting to bring up a baby with someone of his attitude. It’s really not normal to fund everything for your baby when you’re actually married-you’re bearing the burden of single parents without any of the advantages.

I don't understand why you are funding your own maternity leave?
You didn't get pregnant all by yourself.

Your husband sounds financially abusive

What position would you be in if you separated from your husband?

Your child will be a UK resident but where the hell does that leave you?