To have no sympathy for alcoholics?

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I'm the adult child of one, my life has been nothing but completely miserable because of it.

Today in my home town the newspaper ran a story about an alcoholic man who trespassed into the cancer department late at night. He stole two bottles of alcohol sanitizer from a fridge and drank them, he vomited sick and blood on the floor, urinated on the floor and then ripped down a cubicle curtain. He was found by a frightened cleaner the next morning.

The comments are full of people feeling sorry for the bloke, yet no concern for the cleaner who had to deal with the aftermath or the hospital who are now down on vital supplies and have to pay for repairs.

AIBU to have no sympathy for alcoholics?

I think it’s asking a lot for people who’ve suffered at the hands of addicts to come up with sympathy. Some can, and that’s fine, but I can’t. My exhusband was an alcoholic and it ruined decades of my life - 15 years after divorce I’m still dealing with the impact of his abuse (on me and the kids). My sister was a heroin addict and it was bloody awful on my mum and put a dark cloud over my childhood. Currently my city is a mess as addicts flock here due to the weather and because our city provides endless services for them and now the rest of the residents have to deal with break-ins, rampant bike theft, people crapping and doing drugs in other peoples nice gardens. Enough already.

Thanks B - I've noticed a lot of people say that it's a choice and sometimes it might be...

...but if you are living with something so terribly traumatic and anti depressants or the like aren't helping you cope, if you have a lifetime of trying your hardest just to breathe, drugs and alcohol are coping mechanisms. When someone is in the throes of trauma, they are not themselves, they are not thinking straight, and their actions during those times when their bodies and brains are waging war against themselves, drinking is not a choice. It's a numbing process. You want the pain to stop. You would do anything for it to stop.

So you self medicate. When you so that you are so destroyed that you're not acting out of choice. You're trying to survive.

And it's bloody awful.

Again this does not excuse appalling behaviours, but please don't put call these things a choice. Many people are so broken.

It's entirely reasonable not to want to be involved in an alcoholic's recovery if you have been negatively affected by them, and it's also human to be angry and disgusted with them when you're seeing them do awful things. But someone in that situation likely can't cope with be sober, which is why they drink. Many would prefer to be dead.

People end up drinking etc to numb physical pain too - many people who are addicted to heroin are that way because prescribed painkillers weren't doing it for them anymore. Sure some of it comes about from recreation, as it does with alcohol, but it's not always so cut and dry.

Fucking typos. Sorry.

@Whataloadofshite - I drank for the exact reasons you described. I got a bit teary reading it, as it was so accurate. I was a broken person who'd fought SO hard for help, but it just wasn't there.

I accept responsibility for the nightmare I was during my 16 years of alcoholism. I eventually got the help I so desperately needed, but it took a very persistent and absolutely wonderful social worker (who was meant for my children, not me) to fight my corner with the mental health services. I was getting nowhere on my own. I'll always be grateful to her, for never giving up on me and for helping me to become the mother my children deserve.

I think it’s asking a lot for people who’ve suffered at the hands of addicts to come up with sympathy

I think that’s nail on the head.

My exhusband did not, as far as I’m aware, have a traumatic life. His parents are lovely, his siblings are fine. I asked him if he’d ever been abused by anyone outside the family and he said no.

What I saw with him was that he and his mates likes going out on a Friday night to the pub “to unwind”. This then extended to Saturday. Then he had to have a drink every night at dinner, then lunch. Then as soon as our little kids were in bed he had to nip out to the pub till closing. And on and on. And everyday hungover and apparently being hungover is a free pass to be an emotionally abusive bastard! Cool aye?! You can go out, enjoy yourself while your responsible spouse stays home with the kids, you can spend money that should be spent on the kids, and then the next day you can be an abhorrent shit to all and sundry because it’s not your fault you feel ill from alcohol misuse.

Not all alcoholics have had trauma, some just develop a habit/can’t cope with ordinary life.

And yes, he’s still throwing himself a constant pity party.

My sister, who was a heroin addict, died age 47.

Whataloadofshite Except not all alchoholics have been through trauma. And not all those who have been through trauma become alchoholics. So I am afraid your post reads like more of the self pitying, victim mentality that is the hallmark of an alchoholic. It is always someone else's fault and we must pity them. I pity their families far more.

Agree what a load of shite, but you’d be hard pressed to argue all alcoholics are living with extreme trauma that caused it.

I think everyone would have sympathy for those who had experienced severe trauma and were self medicating, or those in incredible physical pain, but many alcoholics are not and never have been in this position.

Yes we can argue that there is also mental health issues with many of them, but again, it takes a long time to become an alcoholic. It takes years of alcohol abuse before you get there. Before the addiction kicks in. Years in which you know. And have the capacity to seek help.

It’s not like food where you have to eat, or smoking or doing drugs where it’s highly physically addictive quickly. It takes time and extensive and prolonged abuse before you physically or mentally become addicted.

Not all depressed people have had terrible problems that have caused their depression. Not all people who kill themselves have terrible dark pasts that have driven them to suicide. Not all alcoholics have had terrible childhoods.

Mental health issues usually involve people no longer functioning and dealing with stresses and emotions in a healthy way. Alcoholism is the same.

Op I hear you and I understand.
Alcoholics who address this and acknowledge it I have a bit more respect for. Unfortunately in my family we have several functional alcoholics who refuse to accept or acknowledge there is an issue. Their alcoholism has destroyed many relationships but they are refuse to take any responsibility. I have no sympathy for these selfish and reckless people.

After growing up with an alcoholic father, and the abuse that came with it, I have no sympathy. Its only since he took sick about 10 years ago, (due to being in a coma became sober and nearly having life support switched off) that I'm actually getting along with him.

YANBU, and I’ve never had any personal association with alcoholism. Nobody I’ve been close to has been one.

Alcohol should be banned, but in light of the fact it’s not, no, I don’t have any sympathy for those who are continuing to ruin their own lives and those around them while claiming they can’t help it because they’re “addicted”. Have some self control fgs.

I have mixed feelings. I have an exfriend who is an alcohol. I hate how her behaviour has affected her family and especially the children. But I knew her before she was an alcoholic, when she was a lovely, kind new Mum. I have sympathy for her because I know she hates herself and has awful mental health. She hasn't chosen to be an alcoholic.

There as many reasons for people becoming alcoholics as there are alcoholics. I won't condemn a whole group of people for the actions of one.

This man sounds like he was dependent on alcohol - its physically dangerous for someone just to stop drinking once you get to that stage, worse than coming off heroin. His brain chemistry will have changed him to the point that his entire existence is about him seeking out alcohol to stop the withdrawal. I have sympathy for all involved in such a sad situation.

For all of you who are flat out non-sympathetic and maybe even judgemental towards alcoholics, I want to let you know that fear of encountering that kind of attitude is one of the reasons that some alcoholics won't seek treatment.

I know this because I speak from the experience of watching someone close to me slide into alcoholism. It was a distressing time and every day I am thankful that they eventually took that step of going to the GP, and that there was help available for them.

to everyone having to deal with a loved one and learning to detach with love, and remember:

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

Oh no you don't @funnel

You do not get to blame other people for the action or inaction of any addict.

Ever!

And your logic is faulty. Most alcoholics will have been supported for years before family and friends finally give up and walk away.

That point is often the point at which some successfully access help and start on the path to recovery.

Others don't.

That point is a choice...

For all of you who are flat out non-sympathetic and maybe even judgemental towards alcoholics, I want to let you know that fear of encountering that kind of attitude is one of the reasons that some alcoholics won't seek treatment.

funnelfanjo Of course, let’s blame everyone else because they’re too scared to seek treatment. Come off it; it’s an excuse. Even if it were true, they got themselves into this mess they can get themselves out of it.

My dad is an alcoholic. Some people call it "functioning " alcoholic. I neither blame him or don't, I'm not angry. Don't get me wrong, I spent years hating it, and him. Now I just accept it's who he is, I can't waste energy trying or thinking about changing him because he'll never change.

He nearly died a few years ago and when he recovered and got out of hospital, quite soon he went back to drinking every day. Not as much , in terms of volume, because he physically can't. But still every day.
I don't know why it doesn't concern me any not, probably just acceptance that I'll never change him.

I don't feel sorry for him. Particularly now. It is his choice. It always has been.

Truly mental health and addiction is stigmatised and how. If a poster came out with the same virulent judgment on people with certain cancers, diabetes, weight related issues - all arguably Self induced - and wrote them off in the same way, posters would be ripping them To shreds and MNHQ intervening. And rightly so.

@Bluntness100 that's not actually true (theres a book called 'The Addict Brain' that explains well)-

Addiction is a disease, the substance of choice may vary, but be it heroin, alcohol, gambling, food....if your predisposed to it, it will have you from the get go, mentally and physically.

Ever heard of a 'dry drunk'? Even without a drink there are behaviours there that without the right help will lead to things such as 'cross addiction' - the need to still fill that void with yet another addictive behaviour.

The difference your describing with alcohol is tolerance related. The amount will inevitably increase because of this, so will the consequences, so will the life destruction.

It still baffles me that people see addiction as a choice, its prolonged suicide, not a 'jolly up'.

Its horrendous to witness the destruction it causes- but equally beautiful and life affirming to see someone overcome it.

I've seen both.

Ex DH is an agressive, bullying, wet his pants, shit himself, posturing abusive drunk. At times I feel sorry for him, but mostly I think he has only himself to blame.
As OP says, I have also had my share of trauma, but I have chosen not to mess my life and the life of others.

Even if it were true, they got themselves into this mess they can get themselves out of it.

No, they can't. Very few addicts can do it on their own, and people who are dependent on alcohol need medical supervision to withdraw.

But, well done on proving my point. You keep giving that message to addicts that its all their own fault and they just have to dig themselves out of the hole they have got in, that will teach them. Do you want them to get well, or do you want to punish them?

The government turns a blind eye to alcohol dependency due to the tax revenue it brings in.
I’m from a similar school of thought as hearts

I have a lot of respect for those who admit they are alcoholics.

@chatnicknameyousuggested you just reminded me of something.
When my dad was unconscious in hospital with sepsis, on a ventilator and going through alcohol withdrawal, I told the doctor about his alcoholism. Of course I did. My mum was livid that I did this, to her it was shameful. Even though my dad was suffering more and the doctor can help. She has never admitted he is an alcoholic. Neither has he.

I used to feel sorry for them, referred to them having an illness and was full to the brim with empathy for all the problems they brought on themselves. Then I had one work under me. She without a doubt the biggest piece of shit I have ever meet, her child had been taken off her, she ended up being arrested and forced into some sort mandated program, which she lied about attending. She had so many people enabling her as they felt sorry for her as she could not take responsibility for any of her actions. Honestly-I feel so sorry for her son, as he will be stuck sorting out her various messes when he is old enough. It makes people lie, selfish and lazy. It also makes them blame everyone around them as they can only think about the next bottle.