To have no sympathy for alcoholics?

[Macrometa]

I'm the adult child of one, my life has been nothing but completely miserable because of it.

Today in my home town the newspaper ran a story about an alcoholic man who trespassed into the cancer department late at night. He stole two bottles of alcohol sanitizer from a fridge and drank them, he vomited sick and blood on the floor, urinated on the floor and then ripped down a cubicle curtain. He was found by a frightened cleaner the next morning.

The comments are full of people feeling sorry for the bloke, yet no concern for the cleaner who had to deal with the aftermath or the hospital who are now down on vital supplies and have to pay for repairs.

AIBU to have no sympathy for alcoholics?

AA is a support group. And yes cancer support groups also exist.

Two support groups for entirely different circumstances. Nobody is addicted to cancer are they?

It's great that you'd have enough self-esteem, insight and are confident and articulate enough ask for and seek help.

Many are not unfortunately.

You are being unreasonable. I know two alcoholics who through support have remained in recovery for decades. I lost a loved one to it.
It depends on how you view it.
I view it as an illness and if people seek support that have my full empathy.

Is it those that dont seek seek help who dont want to change who maybe people feel no empathy for.

@Macrometa you've not upset me at all don't worry. I have such sympathy for you, I know how absolutely at the end of her tether my family was with me (I was an alcoholic throughout my 20s and living at home) and I just wasn't the person they knew and loved.

I'm glad I was young because I didn't have children and now I do have them I couldn't imagine putting them through what you and others on this thread have been through with alcoholic parents.

It's my children and husband that saved me from it ultimately because now I have too much to lose and I wouldn't ever want to go back there; it was a horrific time but I just was not in my right mind; the need for alcohol is all consuming. It's frightening.

This is obviously only my experience and others will have different experiences and opinions. I am just grateful I have come out the other side because so many don't and it's so sad. It makes me angry that alcohol is so freely available and still widely condoned although with the arrival of a lot more choice in alcohol free wines, beers and spirits I think the tide will turn and eventually it will become as anti social as smoking is seen to be. I'll get off my soap box now!!

I’m an adult child of an alcoholic. My mother was very alcoholic for almost my whole life and it has had a massive impact on my mental health well into adulthood.

Growing up with her was a living nightmare. When she eventually died when I was in my late twenties I felt nothing but sheer relief. That might sound callous but it’s true.

But having said all that, my experience has made me certain that when an addiction gets that bad it is completely beyond the addict’s control. To suggest they ought to just stop drinking is like telling a cancer patient to just stop having cancer.

Substance abuse -almost without exception- begins when a person has suffered trauma and/or undiagnosed mental health issues and uses alcohol or drugs to self-medicate. Left unchecked long enough, it can spiral into a full blown, devastating addiction.

My mum grew up in a violent home where her alcoholic father beat her mother and her brother regularly. As a result she no doubt had some kind of PTSD stacked up on top of depression that no one ever picked up and she never sought help for. If there had been some kind of therapeutic intervention earlier I think her alcoholism could have been avoided. As it was, she was blamed for her addiction and received no help or support beyond a seven day detox which focuses purely on physical withdrawal and didn’t address any of the mental health aspects at all. Needless to say it didn’t work.

I understand the anger. To my eternal shame I once slapped my mum round the face when she was as being - to put it bluntly - a fucking drunk nightmare.

But these days my anger is directed at the lack of knowledge and understanding of the causes of addiction. Addiction is a symptom of a mental health crisis. It is not a discrete illness that occurs in a vacuum.

Excellent post @lynzpynz

macro I actually think that you and me have a lot in common in our beliefs. I completely agree with personal responsibility. No one can magic an addict better. I completely agree it is done to the individual to seek out, and engage with, support. That doesn't mean I believe it is easy or even realistic for many people

Two support groups for entirely different circumstances. Nobody is addicted to cancer are they?

That makes absolutely no sense. Addiction is a disease. Science has determined its a disease. No one chooses to become addicted. As for the nonsense about they chose to start drinking so its their fault, it doesnt work like that. The decent is slow and unnoticable at first. I take it everyone who has said they chose to drink are completely teetotal and never had a single drink of alcohol in their life?

Nobody can understand an alcoholic apart from another alcoholic.
I too would have once thought that the actions of an alcoholic were abhorrent. That it was self inflicted that they had a choice.
After 14 years in recovery I am better informed Nobody in their right mind would chose to be an alcoholic because in the midst of it you are not in your right mind.

Deciding to stop smoking weed when you’re a teenager is not comparable to someone who has been addicted to alcohol for a long time

How? Both are addictions. I smoked it daily for several years, through choice. Cannabis is very psychologically addictive.

My mother began drinking in her fifties, through choice.

Alcoholics are no more an addict than smokers, cannabis users, cocaine users.

All of them have the same level of personal responsibility.

No one is saying an alcoholics behaviour is ok. No one is saying you cant hate or feel angry towards them when they have hurt you.

People are saying that addiction whether to drugs or alcohol is a well documented disease that has social and biological implications but the addict didnt choose to become that way. And most of them genuinely dont believe they have a problem. Dp for example doesnt believe he has an issue. If brought up you will hear "what about my friends they all do it more than me." deep down he knows thats why he cut down but he still hasnt fully accepted it.

I also absolutely believe the impact on the family and friends is horrific. My parents dont know much about my addiction. All man knows is I stole her tablets. Dad knows a little more and I dont talk about it to him as it upsets him.

I've hurted my friends, with worry and concern and borrowing money off them supposedly for Bill's but really for drugs.

I hear the most horrific stories of child neglect in NA and to my shame I do judge them. Because children have no choice do they. Stories of the kids being excited at mum stealing big roll from asda toilets as it meant they had loo roll. Kids finding parents overdosing and looking after their siblings. Absolutely horrific.

I remember now that an alcoholic once nearly cost me my job. I was responsible for hiring him for a company, took 3 references etc. The company thought he was great and were very concerned when he went AWOL. I had to literally spend all week tracking him down like a detective and finally one of his referees acknowledged they had given him a reference but he'd left due to his drinking and I should call homeless hostels. Back then privacy wasn't a thing and I eventually found him in a hostel. He'd been taken for a drink by work colleagues and fell off the wagon.

That's rough for him, but I got a written warning for processing someone with dodgy references that would have tarnished our companies reputation.

Alcoholics leave a trail of destruction in their wake.

Hi there is an organisation called Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional families. It identifies the damage being brought up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family.
The have meeting you can usually go to but currently they are on line.
It has really started to help me to deal with the damage from this upbringing and yes it does cause a lot of damage to us.
All addictions are usually around “stuffing our feelings down” they are usually about pain avoidance but it doesn’t work does it.
The damage is immense all round.
I struggle to have sympathy towards them myself.
I hear all those who are struggling. Please look up the website.🌺

How? Both are addictions. I smoked it daily for several years, through choice. Cannabis is very psychologically addictive.

I wouldn’t know as I’ve never smoked it. I don’t feel badly towards anyone who has or does though. And it’s not comparable as someone with an alcohol addiction can’t just stop, DT’s can kill and you can’t just walk into residential treatment if you can’t afford it.

As a person whose life has been stolen by chronic illness I find myself having no sympathy for alcoholics because 1. They do have a choice and 2. They get far more help and resources when they need Housing and Social Care.
I do know some alcoholics are lovely people but they tend to be selfish and self centered.
Watching a person drink them selves to death as I have seen makes you feel terrible for them but you cannot make them take help. Very frustrating.

I have mixed views on this. Yes, addictions are a disease but that doesn't mean people have absolutely no control over their addiction. Surely the whole recovery path is about helping people to take control?
And that is the same for a lot of physical and health conditions, like those that can respond to physiotherapy or talking therapies, or so on. They take an awful lot of hard work and effort from the patient over a long time to work. They can't work without that commitment and dogged, absolute determination.

So it's not as simple as 'its a disease, they can't help it' or 'oh just pull yourself together.' The truth is somewhere inbetween.

An ‘interesting’, goady and judgmental first post. May you never be judged if you get diabetes, ‘lifestyle’ cancers, Covid-19 etc in the way you judge others here

You have zero understanding @Macrometa,perhaps go and research Alcoholism

OP doesn't need to research alcoholism -- she's found out more than anyone would want to know through having it forced on her. OP, my sympathies are with the cleaner, and with you. People may not be able to help wanting alcohol, but I don't sympathise with those who give in to it and make their families' lives hell.

@spartansisters agree with your post. Thats why i think its important to understand the difference between alcohol addiction itself not being a choice but steps to recovery are a choice. Its not their fault they are an addict but it is their fault for not seeking help. Thats why these threads tend to be shitty and stigmatising and we all know stigmatised people dont seek help. Thats why its called alcoholocs anonymous. Anonymous because of stigma.

It's all very well spouting off about the NHS and the (laughable) mental health support available through it, but have you ever stopped to consider that this help ISN'T available in some areas?

Where I live, the waiting list for a standard psychiatric assessment is 12-16 months long. Somebody in the throes of a mental health crisis quite possibly doesn't HAVE that long.

I have bipolar disorder, which I'm medicated for but only sporadically reviewed, and that is ALWAYS after a battle with the services to be given an appointment. I also have complex PTSD, from an absolute fucking lifetime of trauma. And yes, I'm a recovering alcoholic. My family is riddled with alcoholism. I drank to block out the misery because proper psychiatric help simply wasn't there when I needed it, no matter how long and hard I fought for it.

So what does that make someone like me, who got lost in the system you seem to think is the be all and end all? A selfish, self-pitying waste of space?

I think you are not being unreasonable in having no sympathy for your mother with your individual situation.
My mum was an alcoholic until I was 30. As a result 2 of my older siblings developed an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. And myself for a short period of time.
Thankfully both are recovered but they turned out lives into chaos with their drama. However they were never aggressive to me. our home was very messy and we were of course always skint and I witnessed some awful violence to my mum from her string of alcoholic boyfriends, but I always knew I was loved.I also watched these people suffer on their journey of endless failed rehab attempts, and have sat with through hours of crying and trying to piece their lives back together. They wanted to stop the trauma they were causing and eventually did.
Your mum doesn't seem to that a desire to sort herself out, treated you appallingly as a child and is still trying to give you shit you. Yes she's an alcoholic but more than that she is really selfish and toxic, if that's her personality combined with an addiction it won't end well.
You need to cut her off and talk to someone to help you recover from the damage.
She sounds more narcissistic than alcoholic.
I wish you the absolute best of luck and feel for you.

My stepdad was an alcoholic (dead now) and I'd agree with a PP that it's much easier to be sympathetic from afar. TBF I have low tolerance for any antisocial behaviour. Consumption of drugs or alcohol not an excuse.

My husband is a high functioning alcoholic I dont drink much at all. He goes to work daily but evenings stands in kitchen on phone drinking snappy to everyone. Husband at weekend dont wanna do owt and if we do I have to drive. U must have had a hard time with both parents been alcoholic I have no sympathy for husband or any alcoholic at all husband had a fatty liver and iv said no sympathy when goes to cirrhosis as still drinking 6 strong bows and 1 frosty Jack's every day

I struggle to have sympathy @Macrometa
My dad was an alcoholic. I left home as soon as I could to get away from him. The man I moved in with was an abuser , I was with him (trying to 'fix' him like I couldn't fix my dad) for over a decade. It was only in my 30s that I realised why I made those choices. I struggle with feelings of blame towards my dad to this day. I try not to think about it all too much as life is good now.