To have no sympathy for alcoholics?

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I'm the adult child of one, my life has been nothing but completely miserable because of it.

Today in my home town the newspaper ran a story about an alcoholic man who trespassed into the cancer department late at night. He stole two bottles of alcohol sanitizer from a fridge and drank them, he vomited sick and blood on the floor, urinated on the floor and then ripped down a cubicle curtain. He was found by a frightened cleaner the next morning.

The comments are full of people feeling sorry for the bloke, yet no concern for the cleaner who had to deal with the aftermath or the hospital who are now down on vital supplies and have to pay for repairs.

AIBU to have no sympathy for alcoholics?

I lived with an alcoholic for a bit, until I made him leave. He made me miserable, racked up debt I’m still paying off and was an expert in gas lighting. He was utterly awful to me when he was drunk and made me feel terrible about myself for getting involved with someone with such issues and taken advantage of.
Yes it’s an illness, but they pull the innocent in as part of it, the nature of it is pure selfishness. You can feel sorry they have the illness but you don’t have to feel sorry for them.

@Taddda I can't remember if it was SMART but they certainly didn't advocate drinking in moderation. Everyone was breathalised (?sp) before each meeting!

Whether right or wrong the thought that it was ultimately my choice did help me and got me about of the cycle of excuses I used to make to drink (one being "I can't help it, it's an illness). I just suppose I was lucky in that it worked for me. It was over ten years ago though so I'm sure guidance etc has changed since then anyway....

Thank you all for sharing your opinions and experiences.

I've spent today in an awful mood and was wound up when I started the thread. I want to apologise again if I have upset anybody. The article was the trigger for feelings about my own mother coming to the surface.

I made the decision to go no contact for my own sake but it has been painful and I've mourned for the mum I wish she was.

Selfishly, I worry that my life will always be blighted by her alcoholism regardless of whether I have her in my life. I'm not currently seeing nor speaking to her, but I still worry more than I want to. I'm trying to work on that and will consider Al-anon.

Her antics and health are never far from my mind despite me not even being on her radar, evidenced by her behaviour toward me before I went NC.

She is pretty much all I had left other than my own children but I refuse to let her unsettle my life for another year/decade/however long she has left.

I'm constantly waiting to get the call that she's died, but she'll probably end up living well into her 80's just to spite me

Joking, obviously.

@Drogonssmile I'm really glad it helped you (whether I agree with their train of thought or not!) what works is more important.

About the 'I can't help it, it's an illness' thought though, I'm more 'It's an illness, therefore it's treatable'-

Again, I see the first something an active alcoholic would say, the second a gateway into recovery.

Well it’s a physical addiction. You generally can’t just stop with some will power. Yes I feel sorry for alcoholics, I’m also someone whose life has been blighted by alcoholism of others, and continues to be to this day. It’s very hard to know where to turn for help actually. We’ve recently been trying to help someone who is a functional alcoholic and the onus is very much on the patient to ‘seek help’, ie. Give up drinking themselves and go to some AA meetings for support. I think that’s a near impossible thing to do at most stages of the illness, and largely ignores the massive problem of being physically addicted to a drug. You wouldn’t say to heroine addicts ‘oh just try not to take it and go to some support meetings’. We replace it with drugs, a slowly wean. Most alcoholics don’t get given that opportunity. I think because we normalise the use of alcohol we have to pretend that somehow we can control the use of it with will power, despite it being a physically addictive drug.

Hope you are ok op. This has been a really interesting thread. It helps to know I'm not the only one messed up by it. I feel like my childhood was robbed and I'm left having to deal with issues not of my own making but purely because of my upbringing. I hate it.

Having to beg and scream and shout for £5 off my dad so I could buy food for my younger siblings will stay with me forever. He didn't want to give me it as he wanted to buy booze with it. I was 14 and had already used my own paper round money that week. We had nothing in. It truly is a family disease.

Good luck to those who have reached sobriety.

My DB is an alcoholic due to serving as a paratrooper and spending time in Afghanistan and Iraq. At 35 years of age he's dying from liver failure.

He truly is the loveliest person i know!!

Come out of the paras he recieved zero help in his transition to civilian life and struggled massively. We as a family have tried so hard to get him some help but the right help for these people just isn't available.

Not all alcoholics are selfish vile wankers some are just tormented by their own minds and turn to alcohol as they physically and mentally can not cope.

@peapod29 Librium and important vitamin injections are usually used at the initial withdrawal stage for alcoholics- stopping cold turkey is incredibly dangerous.

Are they attending a clinic?

It takes years of alcohol abuse before you get there. Before the addiction kicks in. Years in which you know.

The problem is that our society thinks drinking is fun and acceptable, gambling is the same, 'everyone likes the occasional flutter'. So for many/most people they drink more than they should but convince themselves they aren't addicted and that they can control it. If it was that easy people would regularly stop drinking, because they have no need for it, but instead it has to be a big deal with dry January or similar.
People won't admit that it is an addictive drug because they all drink and they don't want to stop so they don't want to admit it is a problem. The younger generation seem to be giving it a miss which is good.
British society is shown up when abroad by their heavy drinking.
The gov wants the tax, ditto with gambling (though it is harder to control because overseas companies can get access to UK users online), so rather than try to stop it they allow advertising and promotion. If we didn't drink so much those with problems wouldn't be able to hide in the crowd.
Putting alcohol into supermarkets, so that it becomes another household item, was a mistake imv. There was a stigma to being seen regularly visiting the off licence.

OP
Have you heard of NACOA and the secret Facebook group run by Josh Connolly an ACOA?
Also check out coaisathing - personal stories by acoas on there.

I'm the adult child of two alcoholics, both of whom died in my early 30s. I think that I have dealt with it by separating the person from the disease. I've always felt so conflicted because in many ways they were both brilliant people and I always felt loved. Having said that, I could never imagine putting my own child through the things that myself and my siblings dealt with as children. Oddly enough, it's only since having my own daughter and imagining what her life would be like if I behaved as my parents did, that I realise how damaging it was. I sometimes want to go back in time and give myself a hug. I completely understand those posters who have talked about dreading the call to say that their alcoholic parent has died. I received those calls and they were as terrible as I had always anticipated, one drowned and the other fell and suffered a fatal head injury. As much as I miss them both, it's such a relief to be free of that fear.

Daughter of an alcoholic. We tiptoed through our childhood trying to prevent the alcoholic binges and mental health breakdown. No real childhood whatsoever. My compassion is for the children of alcoholics.

I'm ok thanks for asking @OliviaBenson

I hope you are too?

What you've written about having to scream at your father for money to feed your siblings is heartbreaking. It really is a family disease. The scars that sort of upbringing leave take years to unpick.

I've been through therapy for something separate, yet still felt unable to talk about my mother and her alcoholism. Mumsnet is the only space I've spoken freely about it, even then I've felt the need to name change first (I'm a regular user of the forum)

I also have very deep rooted issues as a result of my childhood, or lack there of.

Stayclose, I have indeed. I'm in the group and have spoken to Josh previously. He's pretty fab.

Coaisathing is also ringing a bell. I'll look it up in a second and familiarise myself.

Al-anon has been recommended to me and I've been giving it some thought, it's difficult for me to commit to anything outside the house at the moment as I'm juggling young children and working from home but if there is an online resource I'll look into that.

Hmm88, I'm sorry to hear about your brother. As angry as I am with alcoholism, I do have alot of empathy for those with poor mental health as a result of experiences like that. My brother also served, and I would absolutely hate to see him like that.

Ah ok - me too see you there :)

My BIL is an alcoholic and has made the lives of two ex wife’s absolute hell, along with his estranged DCs. He’s now getting older and frailer and bemoans his DCs not bothering with him and how alone he is. I have absolutely no sympathy for him. He always put himself first when they were young, and has screwed them up emotionally now they’re adults. He deserves the lonely old age ahead of him.

Tomhardy, I'm so sorry for your losses. My heart goes out to each of you who have lost somebody like that. Coincidentally, somebody else told me recently that it was a relief for them too when their alcoholic parent passed.

I believe that will be the case for me too, at least I hope so. My mental health is quite fragile and I have small children, I don't want her untimely death to break me and me not be the mother I need to be for my own children because I'm grief stricken.

I know I'll be angry. I can tell that much already.

Londonlassy, (another London lass here) I'm with you on that %100. I hope you've found peace later on in life?

Daughter to an alcoholic here. Many childhood memories now make sense as an adult of things that were disguised or hidden from me by my parents.

My dad was very much like Superman, he would be a great dad by day and then be merry dad by night. This then spiralled into day to day life.
Couldn't fault him as my dad but cannot forgive him for not getting better- there was just no support back then for him.
Ultimately it cost him his life, before I'd barely hit my teens. I'll never get it over that.

Some alcoholics are pretty normal people, with pretty normal lives but hide a world of pain inside. I feel sorry for those like my dad.

Childhood? What childhood?

I remember parents “friends” visiting with drink and food, I was waiting for them to pass out to get some food from the table.

Dressed in rags, no food, no visitors ever allowed in the house (because it was a squalor and they knew it).

Several times neighbours have notified the Social Services, my parents always got away. Partially because me and my sibling were trained to not to talk to strangers, everything’s fine, of course parents are not drinking.

My mother (long dead now) made life of 5 people hell.

My father is still alive( I think). Last time I met him at family funeral.He looked so frail that I almost fell sorry for him.

Until I remembered that I’m a mother myself and would go without food myself than leave my kids without like he and my mother did.

Yes, it’s an addiction.
Every addiction is hard to kick.

I feel sorry for the kids trapped in families with addiction issues. Kids have no choice. Adults have a choice.

How I wish I had spoken the truth to SS, maybe I would have had a chance of going to foster family, experience different, normal life and have a chance of getting education.

Wish I could turn back the time and drop my “loving” family of origin much sooner.

Not all alcoholics are selfish vile wankers some are just tormented by their own minds and turn to alcohol as they physically and mentally can not cope

Agree.

@OliviaBenson and OP I think your stories are what needs to be heard and championed. Those who are affected by the alcoholics choices but don't get the 'benefit' of being so intoxicated to not giving a monkeys about anything or anyone

and also @frenchboule you too

You can be an alcoholic and be pleasant, law abiding etc. Or you can be an alcoholic and be an utter fucking arsehole. I've no pity for the latter.

Agreed. I’ve known two serious alcoholics in my life, though thankfully not closely enough to be affected by them like some of the posters here. The first was a good friend at uni - he was a lovely guy but eventually really hard to be friends with because he let all of us down so much and did pretty annoying things like pissing all over my living room because he was so wasted. Still, no more than annoying to his friends and ultimately just heartbreaking because he was such a nice person but we just couldn’t get him to admit the issue or seek help.

The second was my boss a few years ago and a completely different story. Dishonest, malevolent and really sleazy with the young women in the office to the point of making them seriously uncomfortable. I tried to shop him to HR and got told to be quiet (he brought a lot of money in). He was so different from my lovely friend - both pitiful for the alcoholism but he was a really unpleasant character as well, the booze just lowered his inhibitions so he showed it more.

I’m so sorry for those on here who’ve been seriously impacted by alcoholic parents, partners etc. It’s such a damaging illness for all concerned 💐

@FrenchBoule like you I wish I had talked to SS. I don't think they would have believed me though, especially since my Dad had a well paid job and we were all clean, fed and clothed.

I used to think about running away all the time. I also thought I could go and live with my Gran if she got poorly but she died when I was 13 and I was devastated.

My Dad was the alcoholic but my Mum is just a really awful, horrible person. I was sad when my Dad died because I knew he had loved me. I won't be sad when my Mum goes, it will be a relief. She used my Dad's alcoholism to manipulate him and control us.

I feel sorry for my Dad, because he used alcohol to numb himself to a life he couldn't cope with living. But my Mum did all she did while sober and I can never forgive her.

I have self funded 10 years of counselling just to enable me to live a normal life and be a good Mum and wife. Between them my parents stole my childhood but I'm fucked if I am letting them take away my chance to be happy as an adult. I've not done a bad job of getting happy, even though I do say so myself

Op, I would really recommend talking to a counsellor. I will be scarred and angry forever about what happened, but I do feel much better about myself - some days I even feel like I am good enough!

Taddda. 100%. An illness, it's not my fault. Or an illness it can be treated. Exactly.

I've realised recently just how normalised alcohol is in my family, and how desensitized I've become to it. I'm actually very lucky not to be an alcoholic I think, as theres much of that in my family. I used alcohol as a coping mechanism from age 11, dipping between drinking to cope and drinking socially. I know I need to be careful of it and it creeps up quickly. Pain pills are my drug of choice, but I cannot imagine a life without alcohol.

I cant remember a time when I didnt drink. Ever. At family parties age 8 or 9, drinking archers aqua which was given to me by family members. Being allowed alcopops like that for a while at parties, and from around age 12 having wkd and cider etc bought for me. I was also sneaking Malibu into school to cope. By age 15 I was drinking kost weekends at home. Mam saw it as acceptable, and actually encouraged me to drink at home so I would 'know my limita'. She allowed my friends to drink too, often without their parents consent, and was scathing afterwards about how they couldn't handle it. Age 15 me and her split a massive bottle of vodka, I hadnt really drank spirits in that quantity before and was sick all over the place. Mam was more concerned about me not knowing my limits,and it was something I actually took pride in, that I could handle my drink.

My extended family were no better. My mams cousin (I call them auntie and uncle), allowed his grandkids to drink glasses of cider from around age 6. They wrte allowed to drink small glasses or have some from his glass at around age 4. I personally didnt agree with that as I got older, but I was the odd one out.
Mam told me once how my uncle soaked my dummy in brandy when I was a baby as I was teething. I was sick everywhere and they called mam and apparently I was very unwell and was vomiting black stuff. I asked mam why she didnt take me to the hospital, she claims there was no need. I think it was more to do with questions being asked.

And no, none of this mitigate my choice to drink when I'm stressed or pissed off, knowing I'll find it hard to stop. This fact, and that mam used to dole out her tablets like sweets, does.not absolve me of responsibility for my opiate addiction. But it does go some way to showing how utterly fucked up my attitudes to alcohol are, in a way
Painkillers are my first choice but I recall a time I didnt use them. I know I can do it again. I literally cannot remember a time in my 25years on earth where I didnt drink. Its entrenched. And I cannot imagine a time when I never drink again
As. I said, alcohol isnt my first choice. My intake has gone up over lockdown but I do have some alcohol free nights, I never have more.than 3 wines a night max and many nights, like tonight, I leave it at one. But I know I need to be careful.
Is there any wonder that with a history like mine, I'm an addict?