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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not allowing ex to see son as he went to a birthday party

132 replies

findingmyselfagain · 14/05/2020 06:48

Hi
I would really like to hear other views on this if I'm being unreasonable. This is related to a situation I've found myself in due to Coronavirus. I live in Scotland where the govt advice at the moment is stay at home and only go outside for essential reasons and exercise. I am divorced and myself and my ex share 1 son who is 5. We live in different households he is single and lives in his iwn, I am with a new partner we live together with my son and his daughter who is 10. It is a amicable relationship with my ex we have a good routine with our son and as per govt advice has been seeing his son during Coronavirus. Yesterday it as come to light that my ex went to his parents house to have a socially distance birthday party for his sister. They had it in the back garden between the 4 of them. My ex said he was reluctant to attend but did so as his sister has been finding things very hard as she lives in her own too and it was her birthday. Also to add to the mix my ex father in law should be shielded as he had a recent stroke and my ex had asthma and in last few days wasn't seeing son as had a cough and worried until he confirmed it was upper respiratory nothing to do with covid-19
I understand and get why they had a party the situation we all find ourselves in is extremely difficult.However we should all be staying at home in bless essential. My dad was 70 recently it was extremely hard not seeing him we had a WhatsApp call on the day !So had a hard conversation with my ex last night I think he's put our son at risk I don't think he should see him for 14 days now to ensure my son is safe and my house hold is safe my ex and his parents are very upset with me saying I'm being unreasonable I get where they are coming from but I am worried and want to keep my son my partner my step daughter and he safe AIBU ?

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 14/05/2020 07:03

If they were social distancing in the garden, I think you are unreasonable. Are you totally sure that your partner's daughter hadn't been also in contact with other people when with her mum?

MsVestibule · 14/05/2020 07:06

YABU. A gathering of 4 people spending time in a garden is hardly a party, is it? Yes, it was a breach of the rules but as long as they were outside and stayed 2 metres away from each other, he's very unlikely to have caught it.

CodenameVillanelle · 14/05/2020 07:07

It's hardly a party. No they shouldn't have done it but it's unlikely to have caused any of them to catch the virus.

Original poster
findingmyselfagain · 14/05/2020 07:07

Hi just to clarify my step daughters mum very sadly died when she was 8. My partner has two other (adult) step children from his marriage to her mum. They have children too. Since lockdown my partner and his daughter have not seen them or his grandchildren they've had birthdays too and it's been extremely hard but we haven't seen them

OP posts:
NicEv · 14/05/2020 07:09

I think if they were socially distancing in the garden then you are being unreasonable I am afraid. The evidence suggests that transmission rates outside are much lower and if they have all been isolating at home for weeks and then met in the garden and remained socially distanced then the risk was tiny.

Your ex is living alone while you have people around you - his experience of lockdown will be very different to yours and I can understand why he agreed to this. The risk was very very low and I do not think you should stop your child seeing his father at this difficult time over something like this.

SpillTheTeaa · 14/05/2020 07:10

They socially distanced and he's probably come closer to people in the supermarket and many more people.

Mrsjayy · 14/05/2020 07:15

He has probably been closer to somebody in a shop than the back garden party which wasn't even a party he just went to see his sister . Don't over react this is all a bit shit for everybody.

NoHardSell · 14/05/2020 07:16

Sounds more like a punishment to me

Shortfeet · 14/05/2020 07:18

Very unreasonable.

locksmithg · 14/05/2020 07:20

YABU I'm afraid , sorry 😐

Redred2429 · 14/05/2020 07:21

I agree it was wrong but agree you are being unreasonable

Dozer · 14/05/2020 07:22

YABU

Apolloanddaphne · 14/05/2020 07:23

That wasn't a party. It was a socially distanced cup of tea in a garden. Your son won't be at risk and can see his dad without making him wait for 14 days. You are over reacting.

Doingitaloneandproud · 14/05/2020 07:23

YABU and as a pp said, it does seem like a punishment. If they socially distanced themselves then I don't see the problem

Waxonwaxoff0 · 14/05/2020 07:24

YABU.

ButtonandPickle19 · 14/05/2020 07:24

Yanbu to be concerned. The more people mix the more it has the chance to spread. However, I think if he has no symptoms in the next 7 days, and the risk was minimal, you might want to think again about it.
But if you think he was sensible, took his own food and drink, wiped down any chairs before and after he sat on them... then perhaps you could think about him still visiting? We had a very similar situation with my SC last weekend but their mum was very clear that she took those extra steps and sat in the front garden so she didn’t even walk through the house

Ohtherewearethen · 14/05/2020 07:25

I think you are being very unreasonable I'm afraid. The 'risk' your ex took is no more than him (or you for that matter) walking down the street or going to collect a prescription or going shopping. If you truly believe he would put your son at risk then that's another issue. Otherwise you have to trust that he follows social distancing guidelines at all times, in which case the chances of him catching covid are extremely small. You're going out and being around people too, how would you feel if your ex banned you from seeing your son?

InfiniteSheldon · 14/05/2020 07:25

Yabu

understandmenow · 14/05/2020 07:28

YABU

Shesellsseashellsontheseashore · 14/05/2020 07:28

As your ex lives on his own I presume he has to enter shops at some point to get food etc so he is in contact, 2 metres apart, from other people? At least with family you know about where they have been and whether they have been feeling unwell. Seeing people outdoors is meant to lessen the risk of contracting the virus. Do you take your son out for exercise or does your ex when he has him? Do either of you have to go to work still?
I think it is near on impossible to stop children from coming into contact with adults who may have had exposure to the virus. My husband has been working all the way through the lockdown, I have been in and out of school over the weeks. We have 2 young children so we are just very careful to sanitise and get showered etc before we continue our lives at home after work and hope for the best. I have elderly relatives who I have been keeping away from but have on occasion had to enter their homes to assist them with something that was important and that they couldn't do themselves.
We have to just be as sensible and careful as possible and as long as your ex is telling you the truth about how the get together took place and who was there etc then I don't think your son should wait 14 days before he sees his dad again. However only you and your ex can make that decision regardless of internet opinion.

Home42 · 14/05/2020 07:32

YABU. A socially distant cuppa in the garden does not mean your ex is a risk to his son. You sound like you are punishing him because you are jealous that he saw family and you haven’t. The poor guy lives alone, you live with a new family. His life must have been pretty lonely for the last 6 weeks.

ProseccoBubbleFantasies · 14/05/2020 07:32

I'm sorry, OP, but I agree with PPs.

As much as I agree your ex shouldn't have done it, your post reads of a desire to punish him rather than anything else

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 14/05/2020 07:36

I agree with the PP’s too I’m afraid.
I was closer to folk in Tesco yesterday than it sounds like your ex was.
Let your son see his dad.

foamrolling · 14/05/2020 07:37

You are risking ruining a successful co-parenting relationship and upsetting your son when the risk is tiny. What your partner is doing during lockdown is irrelevant unless you're wanting to withdraw access out of resentment or punishment. Be honest with yourself, is this really about the tiny risk (if any) to your son?

HugeAckmansWife · 14/05/2020 07:39

I agree with all the others, especially the bit about the fact your ex lives alone. You have a husband to chat to and interact with. It's v v hard if you don't have that. He didn't mingle with loads of other kids, they weren't indoors. I think you'd be VU to stop contact.

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