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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not allowing ex to see son as he went to a birthday party

132 replies

findingmyselfagain · 14/05/2020 06:48

Hi
I would really like to hear other views on this if I'm being unreasonable. This is related to a situation I've found myself in due to Coronavirus. I live in Scotland where the govt advice at the moment is stay at home and only go outside for essential reasons and exercise. I am divorced and myself and my ex share 1 son who is 5. We live in different households he is single and lives in his iwn, I am with a new partner we live together with my son and his daughter who is 10. It is a amicable relationship with my ex we have a good routine with our son and as per govt advice has been seeing his son during Coronavirus. Yesterday it as come to light that my ex went to his parents house to have a socially distance birthday party for his sister. They had it in the back garden between the 4 of them. My ex said he was reluctant to attend but did so as his sister has been finding things very hard as she lives in her own too and it was her birthday. Also to add to the mix my ex father in law should be shielded as he had a recent stroke and my ex had asthma and in last few days wasn't seeing son as had a cough and worried until he confirmed it was upper respiratory nothing to do with covid-19
I understand and get why they had a party the situation we all find ourselves in is extremely difficult.However we should all be staying at home in bless essential. My dad was 70 recently it was extremely hard not seeing him we had a WhatsApp call on the day !So had a hard conversation with my ex last night I think he's put our son at risk I don't think he should see him for 14 days now to ensure my son is safe and my house hold is safe my ex and his parents are very upset with me saying I'm being unreasonable I get where they are coming from but I am worried and want to keep my son my partner my step daughter and he safe AIBU ?

OP posts:
PatricksRum · 14/05/2020 09:16

Bizarre.
If you had posted this a few weeks back ecetione would say YANBU but suddenly people have decided that as lockdown has been extended that is ok to have social gatherings. Hmm
YANBU OP, it's up to you decide the risk factor.

PissOffStayAtHomeDogMum · 14/05/2020 09:27

Another one who thinks it sounds more like a punishment for breaking "The Rules".

I'd have thought it was ok for your ex to do this all along, though. Nothing to do with any recent pronouncements from Westminster.

purpleboy · 14/05/2020 09:29

YANBU so far as lockdown hasn't been lifted so it shouldn't of happened, however I think considering the actual circumstances YABU as has been said it's no more of a risk than your ex going to the shops, in fact less of a risk.

Are you unhappy because you have missed out on family members birthdays and so feel aggrieved your ex hasn't done the same?

leafyskyline · 14/05/2020 09:33

YABVU.

I think people may have said YANBU a few weeks ago when we thought it would be over quickly but this is the new normal. As a PP said, the world is still turning just 2m apart.

If there was a gathering of 20 people then that obviously increases the odds, if it's 4 family members who have all been on lockdown and they all socially distanced outside to have a cup of tea then it's no additional risk to your son.

It's not up to you to punish your ex for not following the rules as you would like. If your genuine concern is your DS health then in the circumstance you describe you shouldn't have any concerns.

You say you have a good relationship with your ex up to now, don't damage it by being sanctimonious when it doesn't affect your DS.

sofato5miles · 14/05/2020 09:35

YABU to call that a party. A powerplay is going on here

happyjack12 · 14/05/2020 09:36

YABU

Nicknacky · 14/05/2020 09:39

It was my daughters birthday yesterday. Family and friends came round to see her in the front garden and have a chat. We aren’t banned from seeing people, we just have to be socially distanced.

And have some empathy for how rough others are finding it and thus small piece of “normality” will have helped them.

Quartz2208 · 14/05/2020 09:43

I have a friend who due to her husband being a diabetic takes everything very seriously, shopping is washed and disinfect wipes, parcels are placed in the garage for 72 hours etc. But once a week she measures out 3m (to be safe) puts chairs out and has a coffee with her Mum and Dad

Beeep · 14/05/2020 09:47

I think YABU too.

MamaGee09 · 14/05/2020 10:00

YABU that wasn’t a party it was a visit to his parents to see his sister on her birthday and as long as they socially distanced in the garden then I wouldn’t have a problem with it.

Dh, dd and I were out a walk this week passing my mums house we spoke to her in the garden with about 3 m between her and us. , I get closer to people when I do my food shop!

saraclara · 14/05/2020 10:06

Living alone through this is absolutely awful. Especially with no end in sight. You're fortunate to have company. Your ex does not. His sister does not.

I've read in several places that we are going to lose a lot of people to suicide during this time. His sister will be better placed for dealing with this, having had her brother and parents in her garden, socially distanced, to actually recognise her birthday. You on the other hand, want to isolate your ex even further by depriving him of his son. And you're punishing your son for his father's (not unreasonable) actions. So you're damaging them both.

Stonerosie67 · 14/05/2020 10:06

YABU but I don't think you're coming back now everyone is not giving you the answer you wanted!

Cheeseandwin5 · 14/05/2020 10:11

YABU and this is a very cruel powerplay going on.
Your Ex lives on his own whilst you have a household to share your live with, your sanctimonious rantings and lack of empathy is breathtaking.
It sounds like he was more careful and in less contact than a shopping trip. I have little doubt that within your own family will have more outside contact than your Ex did on that day.
I can only see this escalating into bad blood and it will be your DS who suffers.

TrickyD · 14/05/2020 10:13

Mean and unkind.

sobersides · 14/05/2020 10:15

I understand why you are concerned but in this case I think you are being overcautious.

Mulhollandmagoo · 14/05/2020 10:34

It's really frustrating that you've not seen your dad, or your partner's older children on their birthdays as you've followed the rules and your ex got to enjoy an afternoon with his parents and sister, and I say this with all good intentions, but you're letting that cloud your judgement massively. In terms of actual risk to your son it's absolutely minimal if any at all so I wouldn't stop him seeing his dad, you'll upset your son and damage the amicable co-parenting relationship you have with you ex which can lead to years of torment for all of you

CantKeepSecrets · 14/05/2020 10:36

YABU. I very much doubt he would want to put his child in danger. You sound a bit spiteful and very smug in your responses.

Although I have a feeling no matter how much you're told YABU you will keep coming back with responses attempting to justify it and making you sound more like the can't-do-no-wrong mother.

Llyn · 14/05/2020 10:37

I think you need to apologise to him for overreacting and explain you have done some more reading and realised ywbu.

You might find this article reassuring:
www.erinbromage.com/post/the-risks-know-them-avoid-them

We all need to make sensible decisions based on our own family circumstances, and you need to weigh up the likelihood of the virus being transmitted via your ex sitting in the garden with 3 people, vs the emotional harm to your son of not seeing his dad and feeling caught in the middle of animosity between his parents.

bluebirdsong · 14/05/2020 10:42

I’d be more concerned that he has had a cough, has he been tested and confirmed by a medical professional that’s it just a resp tract infection? If not he should be isolating in that basis.

Haenow · 14/05/2020 12:48

YABU to withhold contact. That’s not best for your son.

SpudsGuns · 14/05/2020 12:57

Please don't stop your son seeing his father.
Whatever your feelings, he deserves to see his father. It's not your little boys fault.

SnowsInWater · 14/05/2020 13:16

YABU and your "just to clarify" which is a blatant sympathy seeker is totally irrelevant.

Honeyroar · 14/05/2020 13:23

I think you’d be being a bit mean here. It was hardly a big party where all social distancing was forgotten. It was basically trying to cheer up a depressed close family member in a sensible way. He didn’t even sound like he did it gleefully. I’m totally pro lockdown and it’s rules, but I’ve had to sit in the garden at a distance with my shielding mother a few times to keep her morale up. I’ve even been in her house once to write a list of points she needed to tell her doctor.

I see your point, but it’s really not fair blocking your ex and son seeing each other over this and will just cause hard feelings.

Redglitter · 14/05/2020 13:57

That really wasnt a party though. You said yourself they socially distanced. Sounds like you're taking out on him the fact you havent seen your family.

(Just waiting now for the privacy concerns deletion message because the thread hasnt gone the OPs way)

Crimsonnightlotus · 14/05/2020 19:44

I'm quite shocked about the bashing op got on this thread. I didn't read it as op being mean, I thought op was just simply worried. Have some heart, people. Some people worry more than others. And asking him to stay away for 2 weeks isn't being mean.

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