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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not allowing ex to see son as he went to a birthday party

132 replies

findingmyselfagain · 14/05/2020 06:48

Hi
I would really like to hear other views on this if I'm being unreasonable. This is related to a situation I've found myself in due to Coronavirus. I live in Scotland where the govt advice at the moment is stay at home and only go outside for essential reasons and exercise. I am divorced and myself and my ex share 1 son who is 5. We live in different households he is single and lives in his iwn, I am with a new partner we live together with my son and his daughter who is 10. It is a amicable relationship with my ex we have a good routine with our son and as per govt advice has been seeing his son during Coronavirus. Yesterday it as come to light that my ex went to his parents house to have a socially distance birthday party for his sister. They had it in the back garden between the 4 of them. My ex said he was reluctant to attend but did so as his sister has been finding things very hard as she lives in her own too and it was her birthday. Also to add to the mix my ex father in law should be shielded as he had a recent stroke and my ex had asthma and in last few days wasn't seeing son as had a cough and worried until he confirmed it was upper respiratory nothing to do with covid-19
I understand and get why they had a party the situation we all find ourselves in is extremely difficult.However we should all be staying at home in bless essential. My dad was 70 recently it was extremely hard not seeing him we had a WhatsApp call on the day !So had a hard conversation with my ex last night I think he's put our son at risk I don't think he should see him for 14 days now to ensure my son is safe and my house hold is safe my ex and his parents are very upset with me saying I'm being unreasonable I get where they are coming from but I am worried and want to keep my son my partner my step daughter and he safe AIBU ?

OP posts:
ScubaSteven · 14/05/2020 07:40

I was with you until you said socially distanced on the garden with the 4 of them, you’re more at risk going to the supermarket.

YABU.

madcatladyforever · 14/05/2020 07:41

YABVU, you can't just withdraw contact from your sons dad for no good reason, it's not like he went to a rave or a pub lock in.
How would you feel if your ex took your son and refused to give him back for a random spurious reason.
I think it's a very cruel thing to do.

ChateauMargaux · 14/05/2020 07:41

I can understand that you are annoyed with him for crossing a line that you were not willing to cross. Putting that aside, your state that you are annoyed that he has put your son at risk. Unless your son has additional risk factors that you have not mentioned, the impact on your son of your inforcing this ban will not be without consequence. Also there is a potential long term impact on the relationship between you and your ex and you and your ex's family. In my opinion, neither of these impacts are worth the very very small risk of coronavirus to your son.

If current thinking continues, children are unlikely to be first in line to receive a vaccine when it becomes available so it is likely that he will catch CV19 at some stage and that it will not be harmful to him.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 14/05/2020 07:41

I agree with PP. It was against the 'rules' but it's incredibly low risk. It sounds like you are punishing him because you'd quite like to see your family, and haven't. But your son should still be able to see his Dad.

Mascotte · 14/05/2020 07:42

From the title I had visions of a Bacchanalian evening, carousing with strangers.

This could hardly even be described as a birthday party, there's no risk, and you're being unreasonable.

pinktophat · 14/05/2020 07:47

YABVU and using this as a punishment. You are having a completely different lockdown from him. You will permanently damage relations with him and penalise your child for absolutely no good reason. This thread is unanimous.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 14/05/2020 07:47

I firmly believe in following the rules where Covid-19 is concerned, we have to eradicate it, but I think in these precise circumstances I’d say fair enough but don’t make a habit of it. Difficult times for everyone, we have to make the wisest choices we can.

Mrsjayy · 14/05/2020 07:47

i thought he had been òn the beer with 20 of his closest mates when I read the titleHmm I think seeing his live on her own sister on her birthday at a distance is very kind and thoughtful mental health and lonliness is a big factor in lockdown isn't it ? Honestly do you really think your family are at risk.

heartsonacake · 14/05/2020 07:47

YABVU. Your title is misleading and you cannot use your child as a pawn to control your ex.

It is unreasonable to even think about withdrawing contact over this.

pictish · 14/05/2020 07:47

I agree with madcatlady - I don’t think the decision to withdraw contact, even temporarily, is solely yours is it? Also your ex has a right to assess risk as a parent the same as you have. Your preferences don’t trump your ex’s, even in the event you are right. You’re not in charge.
So on that alone, yabu.

TW2013 · 14/05/2020 07:48

Next time he just won't tell you. If any of you are shielding for health reasons it is slightly different. I personally wouldn't have a problem with it as long as his family members are not frontline staff. I guess if you were really worried then maybe he could pick your ds up for exercise outside for 7 days after the party before he has him to stay.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 14/05/2020 07:49

YABU. You are over-reacting. If they maintained the 2m distance rule in the garden, then your DS is no more at risk than being in a supermarket queue.

Also you say your ex FIL should be shielding due to a recent stroke. I didn't see stroke on the list of illnesses requiring shielding. Is he actually 'extremely vulnerable' or in the next group down 'vulnerable'? Has he actually received a shielding letter?

Your ex sounds very responsible - he didn't see your DS when he had a cough, until he was assured it was something other than covid-19.

If it came to light yesterday that they attended this 'party' when did it actually take place?

chunkyriverfish · 14/05/2020 07:49

4 people in a garden keeping 2m apart is far less risk than going to the supermarket where people do get closer once inside.

I think YABU to stop him seeing his son.

My sons and I are not leaving the house but every week Dh goes to the supermarket. So there is always going to be risk unless you are sealed into your house with a decontamination chamber for food deliveries Grin

Tiredmum100 · 14/05/2020 07:50

I think YABU as well.

thedancingbear · 14/05/2020 07:51

This is punishing your ex.

If the genders were reversed, he would be called an abusive arsehole.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 14/05/2020 07:52

Hardly a rowdy party with lots of contact - and your ex has already demonstrated he's aware of the risks when not having son earlier because of the cough.

Sharkyfan · 14/05/2020 07:54

Sorry you are being ridiculously unreasonable
The guidelines are there for good reason but come on use your common sense!
Your ex will have been at just as much/more risk when passing people out exercising or going for a food shop.

Peggysgettingcrazy · 14/05/2020 07:56

So are you and your partner not leaving the house and doing food shopping?

Both either not working or wfh?

Original poster
findingmyselfagain · 14/05/2020 08:01

Myself and my partner are both working from home he is registered disabled and we get food shops delivered

OP posts:
StuckInnTheMiddle · 14/05/2020 08:02

I agree with others, you’re being ott about this. There were four of them, who presumably have been isolating themselves, sitting in a garden. The risk is minimal and as other have said, there’s more risk of his catching it at the supermarket. Just let it go.

MarthasGinYard · 14/05/2020 08:03

YABU

Drip as much as you like but I still think YABU

HoppingPavlova · 14/05/2020 08:04

Bonkers. It’s the same as saying the dad can’t see his child as he goes out for a walk each day (on which he socially distances appropriately) or because the dad went to the supermarket and observed social distancing. Very odd.

MarthasGinYard · 14/05/2020 08:04

He hardly went to a 'birthday party'

Very misleading

TonyChestnut · 14/05/2020 08:04

How would you feel if someone told you that you couldn't see your son for 14 days?

Are you always this spiteful and controlling?

hammeringinmyhead · 14/05/2020 08:05

Doesn't matter how much "better" you are doing lockdown. You can't get a food shop delivery here as a single person with no underlying conditions. YABU.