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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not allowing ex to see son as he went to a birthday party

132 replies

findingmyselfagain · 14/05/2020 06:48

Hi
I would really like to hear other views on this if I'm being unreasonable. This is related to a situation I've found myself in due to Coronavirus. I live in Scotland where the govt advice at the moment is stay at home and only go outside for essential reasons and exercise. I am divorced and myself and my ex share 1 son who is 5. We live in different households he is single and lives in his iwn, I am with a new partner we live together with my son and his daughter who is 10. It is a amicable relationship with my ex we have a good routine with our son and as per govt advice has been seeing his son during Coronavirus. Yesterday it as come to light that my ex went to his parents house to have a socially distance birthday party for his sister. They had it in the back garden between the 4 of them. My ex said he was reluctant to attend but did so as his sister has been finding things very hard as she lives in her own too and it was her birthday. Also to add to the mix my ex father in law should be shielded as he had a recent stroke and my ex had asthma and in last few days wasn't seeing son as had a cough and worried until he confirmed it was upper respiratory nothing to do with covid-19
I understand and get why they had a party the situation we all find ourselves in is extremely difficult.However we should all be staying at home in bless essential. My dad was 70 recently it was extremely hard not seeing him we had a WhatsApp call on the day !So had a hard conversation with my ex last night I think he's put our son at risk I don't think he should see him for 14 days now to ensure my son is safe and my house hold is safe my ex and his parents are very upset with me saying I'm being unreasonable I get where they are coming from but I am worried and want to keep my son my partner my step daughter and he safe AIBU ?

OP posts:
milkysmum · 14/05/2020 08:34

Another who thinks you are being very unreasonable to stop contact based on this. The risk in this scenario is tiny. There are lots of us currently going to work, children in school, life needs to carry on. I do understand it's anxiety provoking and I'm not meaning to minimise but it sounds like you have a great set up with your ex, who is being very responsible, I would not risk messing that up.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/05/2020 08:35

I am disabled. I have a BB. Idk what registered disabled is. YABU to describe the social distanced get together of 4 people as a party. Ywbu to keep your ds apart from him for this. Yes they were wrong under guidelines. But your ex will be more at risk of contracting the virus in a supermarket as has already been said.

MyOtherProfile · 14/05/2020 08:36

Sounds more like a punishment to me

This. And your follow up posts about you and your partner are irrelevant / smug. When was his "party" anyway? You used very emotive words in your title and yet still most of us disagree with you.

MyOtherProfile · 14/05/2020 08:38

I would really like to hear other views on this if I'm being unreasonable

It's really good you put this though. You got what you asked for so hopefully you will adjust now.

Mrsjayy · 14/05/2020 08:38

I go into my parents garden to pick up drop off stand and chat ivevdropped off birthday cards seen my sister at a social distance her dog is minded by parents, the world is still turning just 2m apart.

Sunshineandflipflops · 14/05/2020 08:39

I also think YABU. Risk would have been very low and I think you shouldn't underestimate the effect living on your own during these times can have on your mental health. If he stayed 2m apart from family then that is no reason for him to not see his son.

Bertucci · 14/05/2020 08:39

Agree with everyone else. You’re being completely OTT and unreasonable.

GoatyGoatyMingeMinge · 14/05/2020 08:41

YABU and ridiculous

saraclara · 14/05/2020 08:41

That wasn't a party. It was a socially distanced cup of tea in a garden.

That. For goodness sake, your ex didn't put your son at risk at all. You're not going to listen to us though. Virtually everyone agrees that you are BVVU but you're not listening. You're just drop feeding stuff that had no relevance to whether or not there was a risk to your son.

Be kind. And don't risk an otherwise amicable relationship with your ex. And don't put your son in a position that he feels guilty.

SoloMummy · 14/05/2020 08:45

Does your ex get food delivered and genuinely not go out at all?

You can't and haven't been able to really know or police what your ex does. Given they were sat apart, it's not ideal, but in the open I'd suggest less of a risk than the supermarkets he's visiting.

Crimsonnightlotus · 14/05/2020 08:46

No, I don't think you are BU. It's not long term, just asking to stay away for 2 weeks is not too much to ask.
At the shops, people don't talk to each other, or share the cakes/drinks while 2 meters apart.
I don't think I would do it myself, but some people worry more than others, so YANBU.

saraclara · 14/05/2020 08:47

I would really like to hear other views on this

Except now that everyone disagrees with you, you're clearly not liking hearing other views.

I think the pp had a point about about you not recognising what life is like outside your home. People are out and about, getting on with as much of life as is possible. It's not the weird almost silent place that it was at the beginning of lockdown. That doesn't mean people are actively risk taking. They've just worked out what they're able to do safely, and doing it, instead of sitting inside paralysed with angst.

FilthyforFirth · 14/05/2020 08:51

YABU in the extreme. Calling it a party is sensationalist, it clearly wasnt.

Seems like you are looking for any excuse to keep your son. I feel sorry for him being kept away from his dad for no reason.

SodaSloth · 14/05/2020 08:52

Controlling much.. The child is part of you and part of your ex you've no right to keep child from their father. You sound jealous that your ex saw his family and you've not seen yours. Think you need to sicknot up and let your child see their Dad.

SodaSloth · 14/05/2020 08:52

Suck it up.. Not sick it up

Hollyhobbi · 14/05/2020 08:53

How do you know your ex hasn't covid 19? Was he tested? If he wasn't he should self isolate.

Ohtherewearethen · 14/05/2020 08:55

However we should all be staying at home in bless essential

The thing is, Corona virus neither knows not cares where you are or what you are doing when it infects you. It doesn't discriminate between people only leaving their homes for essential reasons or for other reasons. You could be bringing the virus into your home with your online shopping deliveries. You just don't know. The risk is always there for everyone but you need to keep a cool head and realistically assess the risk and weigh it up.

MegaClutterSlut · 14/05/2020 09:00

Yabu massively. Sounds like you have more chance of catching corona from your delivered shopping than him attending that party if you can call it that

aliceinsunderland27 · 14/05/2020 09:03

Op rest assured that if you came here and posted 'I want to go to my parents garden for a gathering. I'm taking my dc even though my ex's household has vulnerable people in it. But it's my sisters birthday so we're going' you'd be told how selfish and stupid you are.

Can't win.

Marygoround17 · 14/05/2020 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn - posted on wrong thread.

VEGAS2016 · 14/05/2020 09:05

Christ another woman who thinks she has the deciding factor in HER child Hmm

News flash hes his child as well!

YANBVU

hardboiledeggs · 14/05/2020 09:06

YABU he didn't attend a party as such. He was socially distanced from his family.

Duvetday8 · 14/05/2020 09:13

The child is his son as well, I don't think you have any right to dictate if he can or cannot see him

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 14/05/2020 09:15

@Marygoround17

Hi there. You need to start your own thread so that you're receive answers relevant to your own situation.

Maybelatte · 14/05/2020 09:15

They were socially distancing and there was only four of them involved so I wouldn’t worry. If they got close then I’d worry more but this isn’t a concern. You probably get closer to people in the supermarket.