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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not allowing ex to see son as he went to a birthday party

132 replies

findingmyselfagain · 14/05/2020 06:48

Hi
I would really like to hear other views on this if I'm being unreasonable. This is related to a situation I've found myself in due to Coronavirus. I live in Scotland where the govt advice at the moment is stay at home and only go outside for essential reasons and exercise. I am divorced and myself and my ex share 1 son who is 5. We live in different households he is single and lives in his iwn, I am with a new partner we live together with my son and his daughter who is 10. It is a amicable relationship with my ex we have a good routine with our son and as per govt advice has been seeing his son during Coronavirus. Yesterday it as come to light that my ex went to his parents house to have a socially distance birthday party for his sister. They had it in the back garden between the 4 of them. My ex said he was reluctant to attend but did so as his sister has been finding things very hard as she lives in her own too and it was her birthday. Also to add to the mix my ex father in law should be shielded as he had a recent stroke and my ex had asthma and in last few days wasn't seeing son as had a cough and worried until he confirmed it was upper respiratory nothing to do with covid-19
I understand and get why they had a party the situation we all find ourselves in is extremely difficult.However we should all be staying at home in bless essential. My dad was 70 recently it was extremely hard not seeing him we had a WhatsApp call on the day !So had a hard conversation with my ex last night I think he's put our son at risk I don't think he should see him for 14 days now to ensure my son is safe and my house hold is safe my ex and his parents are very upset with me saying I'm being unreasonable I get where they are coming from but I am worried and want to keep my son my partner my step daughter and he safe AIBU ?

OP posts:

Quarantimespringclean · 14/05/2020 08:05

I can see why you have made this decision. However if it is also intended as a slap on the wrist or a punishment for your ex, remember it is much more of a punishment to your son. Your ex and his family may be disappointed and upset but that’s nothing to the potential pain and hurt caused by not letting a 5 year old year old see a dad who loves him and wants to see him.

aliceinsunderland27 · 14/05/2020 08:06

It's not exactly a party is it. But having said that it does go against the guidelines.

It's really difficult for separated parents. If you get one parent who is taking all of the necessary precautions and making sacrifices then the other one just does what they want and puts not only the kids but both households at risk it's really fucking frustrating.

I'm not sure I would stop contact over this but I would definitely speak to your ex and explain why you're not happy.

You'll get people telling you that you have no right to stop contact but personally during this time I would do just that if I couldn't trust my with the safety of our dc. Keeping everyone safe is priority at the moment not the rights of a parent who should be making better choices.

Peggysgettingcrazy · 14/05/2020 08:07

Myself and my partner are both working from home he is registered disabled and we get food shops delivered

So you haven't left your house in 8 weeks?

cz123 · 14/05/2020 08:08

I think you are feeling a bit annoyed because you haven’t seen your family, but he has; that’s why you have mentioned twice And that it’s been hard not to see your own family. I feel you - it’s difficult. Well done for sticking to the rules and protecting us, but don’t punish your son and ex.

Mrsjayy · 14/05/2020 08:09

Stop adding bits the internet has agreed yabu nobody has said wellthe dad is an incosiderate git and stop his access now, and however many bits ofstory you addIdon't think it will make much difference.

Di11y · 14/05/2020 08:09

does your household have any risk factors that make you vulnerable? I personally think the risk is very low. sounds like they were careful.

Kastanien · 14/05/2020 08:10

Myself and my partner are both working from home he is registered disabled and we get food shops delivered

So do you not take the two children out for exercise? People passing on the pavement get closer than at that 'party'. What does your son want? It sounds like he has a good relationship with his Dad, if you stop him seeing his Dad that is punishing him too.

harriethoyle · 14/05/2020 08:11

YABVU. Stop using this as an excuse to stop contact.

Sparkletastic · 14/05/2020 08:12

YABU

Flitterwings · 14/05/2020 08:14

When I read the thread title I thought YWNBU but your OP is quite actually different from the suggestions made in the header. Sorry, I do think under these circumstances YABU.

Sharpandshineyteeth · 14/05/2020 08:17

YABU. He was unlikely to have caught anything.

dollyknocker · 14/05/2020 08:17

YABU. As others have said, much more risk from the supermarket than this situation.

JudyCoolibar · 14/05/2020 08:18

Realistically your son was not put at any more risk than he is in living with you. Bear in mind that he's eligible to go back to school in two weeks or so. Let this one go.

c0ffeeandcake · 14/05/2020 08:20

Yabu

ARosebyAnotherName · 14/05/2020 08:20

YABVU

You seem envious of the fact that your ex has seen his family (albeit in a very responsible manner) whereas you have had the discipline not to see yours. You have mentioned it twice. VVU to take that out on your DS.

Mrsjayy · 14/05/2020 08:22

Realistically your son was not put at any more risk than he is in living with you. Bear in mind that he's eligible to go back to school in two weeks or so. Let this one go.

The Op isn't in England you are right but atm it is just English schools heading back.

Bartlet · 14/05/2020 08:22

When I saw the title I thought it would have been a debauched affair with his mates and loads of booze. What you describe is 4 sober members of the same family standing apart from each other in a garden. That’s not and has never been what anyone would consider a party. You’re just using this as an excuse and are completely overreacting. He’ll have closer contact in Tesco than he did here.

pencilpot99 · 14/05/2020 08:23

There’s no reason why your ex can’t see his son. If you’re really worried your son will just have to stay with his Dad for 14 days before he comes back to you. Presumably your son would like to see his Dad?

Candyfloss99 · 14/05/2020 08:25

Wow you are controlling. Have some compassion for other people who aren't in the same situation as you. You ex is alone all the time and you don't even care that he won't now see his son? What if he decides that his son is better off with him because there isn't 2 other people in the house?

TidyDancer · 14/05/2020 08:26

YABU and as others have suggested, I suspect yours motivated by jealousy that your ex has seen his family. Technically yes, it is against the rules but no more risk than you'd get walking down the street or in Tesco.

Stop being so controlling or risk ruining the good co-parenting relationship you have with your ex.

aliceinsunderland27 · 14/05/2020 08:29

Look there's really no need to call the OP controlling. How on earth can you gauge the dynamics of her relationship with her ex or indeed her entire personality from one post? Pointless, unhelpful assumption.

Technically her ex has broke the rules. In Scotland households are still not permitted to mix and if she's vulnerable or has vulnerable people in the house it's a risk her ex shouldn't have taken. I would be pissed off and worried too.

SavoyCabbage · 14/05/2020 08:30

I think that when you've been completely isolated like you are that you can lose perspective on the situation.

If you were still going out to work, as many people are, or even going to the shops you would see that life is going on in this new socially distanced normal. People are getting cars MOT'd and taking budgies to the vets.

BluebellForest836 · 14/05/2020 08:30

Yabu.

AllTheUserNamesAreTaken · 14/05/2020 08:31

YABU. Although it is ‘against the rules’, the risk is absolutely tiny. No more than if he had been to the supermarket or the chemist. Please use some common sense and not just assume he has put everyone at great risk because he has not strictly followed the rules

YABU to ruin your great coparenting relationship and YA definitely BU to call what he went to a party. I wonder if that was done to try to get MN to side with you

Chloemol · 14/05/2020 08:32

People are saying g you are being unreasonable. However I would be upset like you. Can you be 100% sure they kept to social distancing? No because you were not there. How long was it for? Did they have a drink? If so who provided everything?

Adults are aware actions have consequences. He chose to go, breaking lockdown conditions, so now, unless he can really prove it was not for long, no drinking, he did stay more than 2 metres away, did not touch anything including seats, gates etc I would be doing 14 days as well

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