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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should be allowed buy whatever I want for ds?

602 replies

WolfInSlutsClothing · 13/05/2020 13:35

My ds is 18 months old, he is constantly putting his favourite Teddy into his pushchair and trying to wheel it around the house. He will then get really frustrated because the pushchair is so big he can't manouver it properly and will end up throwing a tantrum after a while. This is a daily occurance.

Thismorning I ordered him a little blue dolls pushchair on amazon, but when I told DH I'd bought it he went abseloutley mental. He rang me up telling me to cancel it and shouted down the phone at me telling me to stop trying to instill my own personal values on him, even though, in my opinion, that's what he is doing not me.

I told him I wasn't cancelling it and after shouting at me and telling me to stop being so controlling (?), that he's told me before he doesn't want him having it and he'll buy him a wheelbarrow, he went onto the amazon account, cancelled the order and changed the password so I can't get onto it now.

I'm honestly so upset over this, I know it seems like such a stupid trivial thing, but I really don't appreciate being shouted at and told what I can and can't buy for my own child. Iv had to stop talking to him because he just won't listen and keeps shouting, and being almost 8 months pregnant with a toddler to look after, I really can't take the stress of being screamed at over a children's toy.

He says if ds grows up and asks him to buy him a dolls pram, then he will buy one. But that he's not going to just let me decide for him that that's what he wants... My argument is, he didn't ask for any of the trucks, cars, toolsets etc that he has, but he bought them for him. Because ds has around 20 words and is not yet capable of asking for such things so we go on what we think he would like.

I'm rambling now but I'm just so worked up about all this, would you personally buy a 'girls' toy for your son? Am I wrong in buying him a pushchair that he hasn't specifically asked for?

OP posts:
Parker231 · 14/05/2020 08:25

Another great toy for that age group is a toy vacuum cleaner - looks like a Dyson. DD and DS played with it for hours.

pointythings · 14/05/2020 08:25

Bloody hell, he really is an unreconstructed male chauvinist pig, isn't he? He 'disapproves' - your reaction was spot on, you do not need his approval. What he said to you last night also shows that he believes he is in charge of things - including you.

I'm so sorry things are going so badly, but do keep standing your ground. Your DC deserve to grow up being who they want, playing with toys they love.

YinMnBlue · 14/05/2020 08:36

‘Your values’ appear to be being responsive to your child and providing him with play equipment including a truck and a pram, according to his interests.

‘His values’ appear to be projecting his view of what a boy ‘should’ play with and be.

He also seems to think you, a woman , should be under his control and fulfil HIS values.

He pushes a pram, he cooks, what was his childhood like? Where does he get this disconnect with his own life? His need for ‘his’ son to be seen as not a ‘pussy’? (And does he actually say that? Bloody hell)

It’s a lot of ground to cover.

Dollyparton3 · 14/05/2020 08:38

OP this sucks. I wouldn't stay with anyone who 1) shouted at me 2) told me how to do anything child related without discussion and 3) removed my access to a joint facility like the Amazon account.

He's being a total man child and needs to stop stomping his feet. It's not a LTB situation but a very long discussion needs to be had with him about his controlling actions and view of the world right now.

81Byerley · 14/05/2020 08:41

I'd like to know who the 2% are who think YABU! For goodness sake! Your husband is a prat. I'd register on Amazon in a different name with a secret password and reorder, or buy one from Ebay, and seriously consider whether I wanted to stay with such a controlling bully.

Original poster
WolfInSlutsClothing · 14/05/2020 08:43

He has a hoover and his own sweeping brush and dustpan etc, H actually bought the hoover for him, so cleaning supplies must be approved 'boy toys'... Strange.

There's no point buying him a doll, he doesn't like them, anytime he's in his toddler group he takes the baby out and throws it then just runs around with the buggy. But it's a pity because I 100% would if he had an interest in them. He uses his favourite Teddy almost like a baby, if he's eating or drinking he'll give the Teddy some, we even give him a nappy sometimes and he loves that.

Also this baby IS a girl, so he would want to get used to him playing with girls toys. Both of my brothers did, one of them played barbies with me every day. He actually coincidentally is gay, however I guarantee it isn't because he played barbies with his sister. I just don't understand his thinking, my father always pushed on us to be whoever we wanted. I remember him telling my brothers all the time that if they ever wanted to walk down the road wearing a dress, hed put one on himself and walk down the road holding their hand. That's how I want my son to grow up, that's how you raise boys.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 14/05/2020 08:47

I think a really important point here is that you are following the child's lead, responding to his interests. Your DH is the one 'imposing his values' on a child.

His values are very weird and nasty - hateful of women, including you, since 'women's things' are not good enough for 'his' son. It sounds as though he sees you as a nursemaid and domestic servant, relevant only until his son is old enough to be handed over to him for proper manly parenting.

You have never agreed to live by his values. Had he not noticed? This is a really important point. He needs to get used to this idea.

If you spend more time with your son, you are better attuned to his interests and exact developmental stage. Your DH needs to listen to you and ask you about this when considering toys etc.

Your DH's 'values' are out of sync with 'his son's' developmental needs and stage. How is he going to reconcile the behaviour of a child, just being a child, with his own narrow self-image, in future? Will this result in him throwing strops at your DS, shouting at him, storming away from him, punishing him - for being a child?

So yes, of course you can contrast your kind, open-minded, child-led values with his deeply sexist, angry, aggressive ones. But the main contrast I see is that you have some understanding of children and their normal development and not only does he not, but he sees his own wants as more important than the child's needs and will continue to behave accordingly.

Francesthemute · 14/05/2020 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coronabeer23 · 14/05/2020 09:29

Your husband is mad. Playing buggy’s is the most normal game a toddler can play. My 6ft county football playing, FIFA obsessed, encyclopaedia knowledge of football 17 year old played with his little toy buggy for years, it was his favourite toy. He didn’t catch gay and if he had them so what?

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 14/05/2020 09:44

Christ. Your husband needs to articulate exactly why he has a problem with this, but you probably won't like the answer. He either thinks childcare is women's work (in which case, are you sure you want to be with him); is concerned that playing with traditionally "girly" toys will somehow turn his son effeminate or gay (spoiler alert, being gay isn't something you catch); or something else, but I can't think of any legitimate concern that isn't offensive to one group or another. He can't be scared of his son being bullied as he's already doing that himself. Does he really call him a pussy? That kind of language is so toxic.

MargaeryTyrell · 14/05/2020 09:51

The thing that sticks out in my mind is how would he feel if your son was to be gay? I'm not saying playing with 'girls' toys has any impact on sexuality - it doesn't but would it be an issue with him in the future?

Whyisthisalllikethis · 14/05/2020 09:57

yanbu and after that controlling behaviour regarding it, id definitely be thinking about the relationship continuing. That sounds very abusive and manipulative to me.

Changing passwords, logging in to your account, cancelling orders, shouting at yoy down the phone is not a normal response.

Get out of there.

coffeecoffeegoose · 14/05/2020 10:02

I once saw a man in the doctors surgery with his son who had a little dolly and was pushing him around on one of the children's chairs - his wife pointed it out to the partner and said that was why he should have a pushchair to ply with. The man was furious and snatched it away from the boy with embarrassment. So sad to see

Please get your little boy a pushchair, there's nothing wrong with it

Original poster
WolfInSlutsClothing · 14/05/2020 10:02

He says his problem with it is that he doesn't want him growing up only playing with girls and then being bullied by the boys for being a 'pussy'.... He also said that if ds ever asks him for girls toys he will buy them for him but that I'm wrong to be pushing them on him.. He can't seem to grasp the fact that I'm not pushing anything on him... And even if I was, he's my son, isn't that what everyone does? Buys toys for their kids that the parent thinks they would like?

He's so bloody frustrating. He told me the lads in work were saying that their partners 'tried' to buy their sons girls toys and they said no and that was that. Then asked me why I couldn't be like that. I told him that I'm not a sheep and just because other women bow down to their husbands doesn't mean I will and if he doesn't like that then he should find someone who will. If anything that makes me want to buy it even more. I feel sorry for those other women if it's true that their self esteem is so low that they let a man tell them what to do.

OP posts:
mumof2exhausted · 14/05/2020 10:06

Woah that is not good. To be honest I’m more concerned with him actually cancelling the order and blocking you out of the amazon account, that is incredibly controlling.

NearlyGranny · 14/05/2020 10:08

Ah. I think he may be secretly terrified you're carrying a "gay gene" because of your brother. He seriously needs re-educating - or just educating - about child development and sexual preferences.

I'm sorry, but you seem to have found a Victorian survival. Does he insist on driving a horse-drawn vehicle and using gas lighting in the house?

SuckingDownDarjeeling · 14/05/2020 10:11

Does he even realise that without the toy buggy, DS will still be pushing around the real buggy? Confused

avocadotofu · 14/05/2020 10:14

Wow your husband is DEFINITELY the one being unreasonable!! My son is 19 months old and he has a little pushchair and a baby. Does your DH have form for this sort of thing?

pointythings · 14/05/2020 10:14

He really, really is an idiot. And his mates are idiots too; they do indeed have sheep for wives. Well done not being one.

FWIW my teen DDs always had male friends - boys who saw girls as actual people, that is. All the way through the teen years and into 6th form. Those boys were the ones who did best, who had least trouble at school and in personal relationships, who sailed through adolescence better than others. Why would your H not want a well adjusted son?

Elsa8 · 14/05/2020 10:16

YANBU, gender stereotypes with toys are bloody ridiculous! My DS is far more interested in our play kitchen and dolls than his sister ever was. It means absolutely nothing!

Elsa8 · 14/05/2020 10:16

And I would be losing my shit with my husband in your shoes, he’s being ridiculous.

Thisismytimetoshine · 14/05/2020 10:22

What sort of Neanderthal thinks if their son plays with girls they'll be bullied for being a "pussy"?
Pointless question I know, but why continue having children with this man?

TheSandman · 14/05/2020 10:23

I'm rambling now but I'm just so worked up about all this, would you personally buy a 'girls' toy for your son? Am I wrong in buying him a pushchair that he hasn't specifically asked for?

My 11 year old son used to love playing princesses when he was about 4 and one Year wanted a Frozen dress from Father Christmas.

Father Christmas duly delivered. He loved it. Wore it around the house for ages and to school a few times. Another year he wanted a toy vacuum cleaner so he could help me - I'm a SAHD - do the house work.

At 11 he's a rough, tough little lad into making dens and climbing trees, nerf guns and all that other 'boy' stuff.

Don't worry.

Your husband sounds like an arsehole though.

LittleMissTeacup · 14/05/2020 10:40

one of my favourite photos is DP at about 2 or 3 years old pushing a red pushchair around the garden with action men in. He’s not gay either and used to be in the Army - the pushchair clearly did no harm! (Ps. I told him about this thread and he said it was because it was an effective way to move his action men from A to B.) Grin

YinMnBlue · 14/05/2020 10:49

So it is about him feeling he is not as ‘alpha male’ as the other men at work? He feels like a ‘pussy’ because his wife doesn’t obey his every word?

Your son is demonstrating that he would like to push his teddy in a pushchair by.... putting his teddy in the pushchair. Ask your DH if he thinks you should stop him doing that... or buy him one that won’t do so much damage to the walls and door frames and that he can actually use without getting upset and frustrated.

Whether we like it or not, Boys and girls tend to separate out for play in school. What toys they play with makes no difference.