To think this profile and DH doesn't stack up . . . .

[Hulloandwelcome]

DH and I married 15 years, 2 kids, we have grown up together. Always lived in the same town, the one we lived in as children. Pretty good relationship, same as most of my friends and typical of those after this amount of time together - a bit stale, but generally a functional marriage.
I had a few drinks (via zoom) with some girlfriends at the weekend, which turned into a bit of a bitch fest about people we went to school with. 'who is still with so and so' ' have you seen how much botox such and such has had' silly childish stuff that was fulled by boredom and way too much Cava. This lead to us trawling through DH's facebook friends looking for someone who we all wondered if was still with their idiot DH. We all spotted this profile that none of us know, no connections in common, no sense of familiarity. It didn't just stand out to me, my BF spotted it too and asked who she was. For context, we have a small friend group, DH doesn't have 100's of friends, he goes to the gym, plays football and works with mostly men. BF asked her DH if he knew who she was, he had no idea and had never seen her before. So I asked DH, the response was 'oh we used to work together' For some reason the speed of his response and then his manner for the rest of the evening (he told me off for bitching about people, that I should #bekind) didn't sit right. So I did more digging. She doesn't have much of an online presence but I found her on LinkedIn, they haven't worked together according to her profile and it doesn't seem possible looking at their careers - plus she doesn't live anywhere near us. AIBU to think there is more to this than an old work pal? Or is boredom getting to me. Can't sleep for thinking about it . . .

[LittleRa]

OP I don’t know why you’re getting such a hard time here. Alright so the bitching with your friends doesn’t cover you with glory, but I do know what you mean about this random Facebook friend standing out.
Years ago I went to visit my brother with my then under 6 month old baby, around a 3 hour drive. My (now ex) DH stayed at home due to work. I stopped at a services to do a nappy change and bit of a break, and when I checked my phone on my Facebook newsfeed it said “Exh’s name became friends with Suzanne Smith” (not real name). Fb used to show that in the feed, when one of your friends became friends with someone. When I tapped on her profile, I didn’t recognise the picture, had no other mutual friends and her location was set as somewhere miles away.
I didn’t know what to make of it, so I bided my time until I could get hold of his phone and read Facebook messenger messages- Dirty messages between them detailing video chats they’d had. They’d been on skype. Never met in person, met on some flirting app.
If I hadn’t seen it pop up that they’d become friends I probably wouldn’t have been likely to have looked through his friends list and checked each one out.

[Spotsandstars]

This is the problem when people never move, never make friends from outside school etc. You never grow up and continue to be immature. I would never indulge in some 'harmless bitching' when with a group of friends. It's tasteless, unkind and generally leaves you feeling negative and a bit guilty afterwards.
I think your dh did the right thing to pull you up on your nastiness, maybe you should listen to him. In general men don't like hearing women bitching it's unattractive.

[JinglingHellsBells]

I can't get my head round the fact @Hulloandwelcome that your girlfriends know your DHs FB friends so well that they spotted an 'intruder' on the list!

Have you all lived in each other's pockets for years and years so that you all know each others friends on FB?

Also your comment that you don't know your husband's password for his phone is just weird.

I have two email accounts and a phone. my DH wouldn't dream of looking at them and doesn't know the passwords. I don't know his either.

Reading someone's emails or prying into their phone is the same as opening their post (letters) and no one has the right to do that to another person.

If you need to snoop, there is something wrong with your relationship.

[Ohtherewearethen]

This sounds very Agatha Raisin. Small town/village mentality. Too involved in each other's lives. I think you need to get to the bottom of why you are so shocked that your husband has a Facebook friend you've never met. If it was a man/a much older lady, would you still interogate him over it? Is it so impossible that he had a job in a supermarket after school and she did the same shift as him? Why didn't you type the name of the person for whom you were searching into the search bar on Facebook? Why did you have to look through your husband's friends list? Is he the only one out of all your friends and their husbands who is Facebook friends with this person? Why doesn't this make you suspicious then, if he has a friend that none of the others do? For all you know, this lady you saw could be married/gay/committed to being single. Or just not remotely interested in your husband. It's very clear that you don't trust him though.
By the way, it sounds it'll be your turn to be the topic of gossip among your friends for the next few weeks now.

[Bekka94]

My ex partner used to question me relentlessly if any if he didn't know any of my facebook friends at the end of the day people don't just stick to one geographical location all their life and tbh your really overthinking the situation I have friends on my facebook that I worked with on relief who are from places that more than 100 miles away from me it's no big deal so just leave it and leave your poor husband alone before you do end up pushing him away to a point of no return your his wife not his owner

[RedskyAtnight]

She probably had a temp job working with your DH years ago, and has since moved on (job wise and geographically).

Maybe a post-lockdown resolution for you should be to broaden your horizons a a little?

[GreenTeaMug]

God I have a few people on my fb I don't really know. Including a random man whose cat i sadly ran over once and he tracked me down via facebook to tell me it wasn't my fault and to thank me for coming to knock on the door to let him know.

he has a lovely wife and 3 gorgeous kids and just seems a nice sort so i keep him on.

[Footywife]

You sound a bit paranoid tbf. Maybe keep away from the cava and, more importantly, keep away from those particular friends. They sound horrid.

[deydododatdodontdeydo]

So, the sum total of the evidence is:
He has a female friend on facebook that you don't know.
His manner was "off" after you accused him of cheating.

I think I know why your marriage is stale.
Goodness knows how many dozen fb friends DH has who I don't know. He only adds people that he actually knows, or used to know, but people from his hobby groups, who I have never met, do add him.

[Fatasfooook]

Poor guy - he’s suffocated by you!

[TheTea]

I cant get past the fact that you and your friends were sat all scrolling through your husbands FB friends. Like, what?!

YABU anyway.

[AgathaX]

The only way you're going to know is to ask him again.

But, do you really need to know? Why? I've never heard or read such a poor reason for suspecting your spouse. I suggest you and your friends grow up a little, stop being so nasty about everybody, and definitely never trawl through another person's online information trying to find someone to bitch about again.

[tempnamechange98765]

Yes you and your friends sound awful and as PP said, you must have such mundane lives to do this (even in lockdown). How small your lives much be.

Is your DH not allowed to have any acquaintances that you don't know? Do you expect to know every single person he's ever been in touch with?

[ilikepurple]

Add her on fb and see what happens?

[Isawamagpie]

And this is the reason why I left social media, and ended up cutting out half of my friends.
People are cruel.

BTW, op, unless there's any other evidence, I highly doubt you DH is having an affair.

[StormBaby]

I'm fairly sure that linked in tells you when someone has been looking at your profile, so random woman knows you've all been stalking her.

[copycopypaste]

You're getting a bit of a rough time here op. You've not done yourself any favours by admitting you were bitching to your mates about other women, that never goes down well on mn. If you've been here long enough to have to nc I'm surprised you didn't realise this.

Anyway, my 2p worth. It does sound odd, I wouldn't go so far as to say suspicious. I think you just need to ask him.

Not everyone puts down every job on LinkedIn. I only put down the jobs that reflect my chosen career now. But if he's lied there's a reason. You could either dog and drive yourself insane or sit him down and have a proper, sober conversation with him

[RingaRosie]

I don’t know why everyone is giving out to OP. Sounds like you are in quite an insular group, living in a small town. A bit of a fish bowl?
Makes sense to me that a strange person would stick out in your case. Not a big FB / SM person myself, but if you & your friends are, then yes...
Other folks lives are different. We live in a city, socialize separately, and know 100s of people (in person) that the other has never heard of...

[OoohTheStatsDontLie]

It sounds like you think there are a few things with your husband and relationship that don't add up.

[johnstonfont]

Did you never have student jobs?

I have quite a few odd people I met that way on Facebook.

None of us announce on our professional LinkedIn accounts that we once manned a checkout for Waitrose! And we all work in quite diverse industries now - marketing, events mgt, editor, printmaker, doctor. You would wonder how we met

[SpudsGuns]

How would your friends even know who your DH knows?
You all sound pathetic and childish.

[Handsoffisback]

Genuine question OP, do you all live in Royston Vasey? It is utterly bizarre that you all know each other’s FB friends. Does anyone ever leave the village?

[Frosty26827]

A lot of hypocrites on here ...... OK the OP has been told (repeatedly) that the bitch fest that her friends indulged in was wrong. By keep repeating it to her on virtually every post seems a bit ....... bitchy !
So how about some constructive comments for the OP or is that not so much fun?