To think this profile and DH doesn't stack up . . . .

[Hulloandwelcome]

DH and I married 15 years, 2 kids, we have grown up together. Always lived in the same town, the one we lived in as children. Pretty good relationship, same as most of my friends and typical of those after this amount of time together - a bit stale, but generally a functional marriage.
I had a few drinks (via zoom) with some girlfriends at the weekend, which turned into a bit of a bitch fest about people we went to school with. 'who is still with so and so' ' have you seen how much botox such and such has had' silly childish stuff that was fulled by boredom and way too much Cava. This lead to us trawling through DH's facebook friends looking for someone who we all wondered if was still with their idiot DH. We all spotted this profile that none of us know, no connections in common, no sense of familiarity. It didn't just stand out to me, my BF spotted it too and asked who she was. For context, we have a small friend group, DH doesn't have 100's of friends, he goes to the gym, plays football and works with mostly men. BF asked her DH if he knew who she was, he had no idea and had never seen her before. So I asked DH, the response was 'oh we used to work together' For some reason the speed of his response and then his manner for the rest of the evening (he told me off for bitching about people, that I should #bekind) didn't sit right. So I did more digging. She doesn't have much of an online presence but I found her on LinkedIn, they haven't worked together according to her profile and it doesn't seem possible looking at their careers - plus she doesn't live anywhere near us. AIBU to think there is more to this than an old work pal? Or is boredom getting to me. Can't sleep for thinking about it . . .

[Leflic]

Why would he add his affair partner to Facebook. That would be a dick move.

Has he never had a summer job growing up? A gap year job a bit of part time work in the pub or shelf stacking.

Those are exactly the friends that you remember vividly because you worked with them but no one else does because it wasn’t for very long.

[Peggysgettingcrazy]

This lead to us trawling through DH's facebook friends looking for someone who we all wondered if was still with their idiot DH

I mean this is total bollocks. If you are looking for someone, that you believe your husband is friends with, you can go on your dhs friends list and then type their name in the search box.

Absolutely no need, to trawl through the whole list looking for someone else.

Given that you also name changed for this, I am guessing there's some back ground you don't want to share. Such as being one of those posters that contstantly ask if their husbands, normal behaviour is a sign of cheating.

[PicsInRed]

Why would he add his affair partner to Facebook.

Mine did. One of the first signs. No other colleagues there, just her.

Some are just a bit thick.

[madcatladyforever]

Seriously!! Do you honestly think your DH would keep his mistress brazenly on his his facebook friends list

You sound like a 13 year old and quite honestly if I were you I have a think about the future of your marriage, boozing with friends and cackling over people on facebook in a horrible way, letting your marriage go stale.

That's what kills a marriage not some random on a friends list.

Vould be that your husband is already fed up with you for those reasons alone. I'd be worried and start putting more work into your home life and less into being silly with friends.

[sammylady37]

I feel sorry for your DH.

oh, nobody other than me will ever have the password to my work phone or my personal one. My work phone because I’m duty bound to keep that private and prefect others looking at it and my personal one because it’s full of personal and private info, not only about me, but about my friends and family- the messages they send me are for me to read only, they’re sent to me with an expectation that they will be read by me only. I wouldn’t be disclosing my password to appease anyone’s suspicions.

[sammylady37]

^prevebt others looking at it

[JinglingHellsBells]

@Hulloandwelcome If your husband is getting up to something with another woman, surely the last thing he'd do is add her to Facebook where anyone can see her? If he'd had his privacy settings set so that no one could see any of his profile, that might be one thing, but you and your friends could see it.

FWIW all the people I've known who have had affairs have never ever added those people as FB friends. I mean, why would they???

[Friendsofmine]

If you'd posted without the context and just said that you noticed someone who you didn't know of on your DHs small Facebook friends list you might get different replies OP.

Personally I think if your husband has ever gone to a conference or any work event away he could easily have started an affair with a woman who lives miles away so just because it seems improbable doesn't mean it is impossible!

I imagine you have some gut feeling telling you this feels off by his reaction and other past behaviour?

[Tramolamodol]

Your DH is allowed friends of his own. You don't need to know every interaction that he's ever had. I haven't updated my LinkedIn profile for years plus I don't have my DP's password for his computer or his phone as I don't need them. He is his own person and has his right to privacy as I do.

The relationship sounds very claustrophobic and must be like living in a fishbowl if you and your friends know everything and everyone in your vicinity.

[tomatoesandstew]

Oh people are mean early in the morning arent they OP. Charing and bitching about people we used to know doesn't make you unique and clearly not the only judgey person around here.
I wouldn't be too suspicious of it. He could have met her at en event etc. Theres no particular evidence of concealment etc. It's nothing like finding messages on his phone
He may have felt a bit put on the spot/ pissed off
Put it all down to lock down Fever.

[peperethecat]

I'm afraid your story doesn't stack up OP. Were you seriously trawling your DH's friend list with friends, or was it just you?

This. Your story sounds even more suspicious than him having a friend you don't know.

And frankly, if he doesn't have any friends you don't know then it sounds like your lives are quite limited, which might explain why your marriage is stale. There's nothing wrong with being with the same person since school, but you need your own, separate things.

Also my husband and I don't know the passcodes to each other's phones. I'm not cheating, and I'm pretty sure he isn't either.

[searchaway]

You and your friends sound charming! Have none of you grown up since leaving school? You can have other friends you know! There’s more to life than people you used to know 15 years ago! How boring.

[BoomBoomsCousin]

LOL at the vicious castigation for speaking negatively about other women on AIBU!

From what you say of your lives - very intertwined, same location all your lives, friends are all only one or two steps removed from each other, I can see why it would stand out for you, OP.

But since it’s just a social media profile and especially since she is geographically removed, I don’t think it’s as automatically suspicious as you seem to have. Your DH lying to you about where he knows her from (if he was) is more suspicious but that might be less about a guilty conscience and more about feeling trapped when put on the spot.

I think It would be foolish to read too much into one FB profile and a locked phone (which is really not unusual nor a suspicious behaviour unless it’s a sudden, new habit along with things like taking long walks alone) if you weren’t at all suspicious before.

[PearPickingPorky]

What a small world you all inhabit, OP.

Sounds like my idea of hell.

[LellyMcKelly]

Some people add people they’ve barely met or worked with briefly.

[Bubbletrouble43]

I'd be furious if my DP combed through my fb list scrutinising and questioning how I know men. Both of us have fb friends of the opposite sex, some old friends, colleagues, some maybe just people we had a laugh with in the pub or at a party once. Whatever, he and I are entitled to our own acquaintances without having to justify them! Serious breach of privacy and respect, not to mention controlling behaviour imo.

[PerditaProvokesEnmity]

I'm wondering if the OP's best friend engineered the whole evening because she'd already seen this woman's profile and was suspicious on OP's behalf.

No reason why OP's suspicion is less reasonable than that of any other person who posts a similar set of circumstances. I have a horrible feeling the negative reactions towards her stem from posters' (perfectly natural) horror of girl gangs.

[Peggysgettingcrazy]

Op suspicions aren't reasonable at all.

He has someone she doesn't know on Facebook and she doesn't have access to his work phone.

Why would the friend spot someone on their friends husbands friends list?

[TitianaTitsling]

This sounds so juevenile! Was it just your DH that got the mean girl 'burn' scrutiny or since you are all so emerged in each others lives did everyone and their DPs FB get investigated and anyone on their lists not known by EVERYONE there get deleted?

[Ilets]

Ok, so if this was really a way of looking through his friends list and confronting him about someone/looking for evidence

You might be right. Your instincts are trying to tell you something. And, yes, he could definitely have an affair partner on facebook. Many men are quite thick that way. My ex did that. They used to chat on fb private messenger so messages were deleted. If you look at battery and time spent on apps you can see if anything looks suspicious.

If it's literally played out the way you say though, that's a bit weird and unpleasant

[mummmy2017]

If your friend are Bitching with you, they bitch about you.
Imagine several bored drunk women, and the fun begins, finding a random profile on victims husband's phone and keep prodding till you cause a divorce.
Your were handed the phone, allowed to look through it, you had been drinking and suddenly your husband is being interviewed by you. Yes, I wonder why he was telling you not to be bitchy. Maybe because your not a school girl.

[DontStandSoCloseToMe]

You and your friends sound hideous.
I have one or two FB friends I worked with when I was 18 and working in a bar. If you looked at our profiles you'd struggle to see how or why we could be connected. That job definitely isn't on my linked in profile.

[surlycurly]

You and your mates are the reason why I don't have many female friends. How odious your behaviour is. Maybe he is having an affair. After reading your post I wouldn't be surprised.

[Midsommar]

OP you're going back on yourself here...you've gone from describing you and your friends' antics as a "bitch fest" to "we were just gossiping mostly good but a little bad". Not to sound rude but you and your friends don't sound pleasant.
Anyway moving on, I really wouldn't look into this Facebook friend with too much scrutiny. Your husband is allowed to have friends, he probably didn't appreciate being grilled about this! Let it be.

[nevermorelenore]

Time to double down on the crazy. Get a joint facebook profile. That'll teach him.