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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have locked my OH out

131 replies

Moonandme111 · 12/05/2020 17:58

Getting so fed up with my OH disappearing to his friends house.
His friend is recently separated and his ex-wife has taken their 3 kids to her parents 2 hour drive away, he hasn't seen them in a good few months.
So I understand he is down, and my OH wants to be there for him, but it's just not on.
Texts on his phone from this friend 'if you're allowed out'... 'did you get in trouble' like they are kids... They are nearly 40!!

I'm 6 weeks pregnant, we have a toddler, not to mention lockdown!!

He reckons it's OK because his friend doesn't see anyone to catch anything from.
Again not the point.

So good luck with him getting back in the house tonight...
It's funny when his friends family was in tact, he was never 'allowed' out to see my OH.
Actually we rarely saw them, even tho they live at the other end of the village, it's not OK to treat me like a mug now his family isn't around!!

OP posts:
andratuttobene · 12/05/2020 18:01

You sound lovely. Would you be so harsh if it was your close friend or a member of your family who needed support? Maybe his friend is having a rough time with his mental health. It’s very hard to be alone for long periods.

Shelley54 · 12/05/2020 18:01

I would say that's probably the end of your relationship if you're locking him out of the house. Are you willing to split up over this? If so then YANBU.

Original poster
Moonandme111 · 12/05/2020 18:02

I don't think he is having that bad a time mentally,
They are sitting round there playing computer games!

OP posts:
wildcherries · 12/05/2020 18:04

Would you be so harsh if it was your close friend or a member of your family who needed support? Maybe his friend is having a rough time with his mental health. It’s very hard to be alone for long periods.

I came on to say this. It's not OK to lock him out of the house.

sillysmiles · 12/05/2020 18:04

They are blokes, they aren't going to sit around talking about it and drinking wine.

LST · 12/05/2020 18:06

It's not really for you to say what makes someone feel better though is it OP. Better playing computer games than finding himself at the bottom of a bottle. And if the risk is minimal? My DP hasn't stopped going work through all of this so I honestly wouldn't stop him going to a friends to support him through a hard time. And I certainly wouldn't lock him out, of I am assuming, his own house.

opticaldelusion · 12/05/2020 18:06

So people who are struggling mentally can't play computer games when their mate comes round? How should a person do mental health problems? Rocking backwards and forwards? Lying catatonic on the floor? Sobbing uncontrollably?

ukgift2016 · 12/05/2020 18:06

Are they having an gay affair?

Original poster
Moonandme111 · 12/05/2020 18:06

I finished work at 2 today, we met at our local common, I took LO, he went to get his car battery checked and he's still not home 4 hours later.

I wouldn't mind so much if he told Me he was going there, he just disappears for hours and hours 4 to 5 hours at a time 3 times a week.

Also I'm exhausted working (nurse) pregancy, nausea. I could Do with some Support too!

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 12/05/2020 18:07

A bad time mentally doesn't have to mean sobbing into his pillow op but you know him better than us, and clearly you think he doesn't care he can't see his kids for months on end.

Are you willing for him to say fine, I'm not allowed home, I'll move in with Dave and we'll talk when this is over?

opticaldelusion · 12/05/2020 18:08

Also... If you want him back home safely, why lock him out? Won't that mean he has to go elsewhere and put you at greater risk?

Original poster
Moonandme111 · 12/05/2020 18:08

Not to mention this friends sister has been popping in on him, bringing him food. So he's not completely on his own.

OP posts:
opticaldelusion · 12/05/2020 18:09

So this isn't about lockdown? You don't want him to go and see his friend because you think he should be supporting you.

LouHotel · 12/05/2020 18:09

OP is in early pregnancy (the knackered all the time stage) with the toddlers, if he's buggering off out to play videos games at dinner/bedtime I doubt it's about his mates mental health.

Not sure on the locking out but if you've tried to discuss I get your keeping yourself safe but long term what do you propose?

opticaldelusion · 12/05/2020 18:09

You sound pretty unkind tbh. Or jealous.

Original poster
Moonandme111 · 12/05/2020 18:10

Lst...
Not HIS house. OUr house.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 12/05/2020 18:11

Thing is op your working a a nurse, your DP is print his mate at more risk than H he other way round.

No of course him disappearing for hours at a time when he has a child isn't OK, but I think you're confusing the issues here.

If you'd started with "I'm 6 weeks pregnant and also working as a nurse, plus we have a toddler. DP disappears for 5or so good at a time when I'm finally home, so isn't helping with DC and I'm getting no rest or support. He doesn't even tell me he's going, just walks out" you'd get more support

SleepingStandingUp · 12/05/2020 18:12

Are you prepared to end your relationship over this?

marvellousmaplesyrup · 12/05/2020 18:12

I think YABVU.

There is no way I would lock my DH out of the house for supporting his friend.

YouCannotBeeSerious · 12/05/2020 18:12

I can't imagine why he'd prefer the company of others to you..... Wink

Original poster
Moonandme111 · 12/05/2020 18:12

It is about lockdown, if he can see his friend and break all the rules, then I can go and see my mum can't I?

His friend isn't have a mental breakdown, far from it.
Again, mumsnet jumping to conclusions.

OP posts:
mrsmuddlepies · 12/05/2020 18:13

I don't think you are allowed to lock someone out of their home. it is unreasonable behaviour and illegal. Talk to him. Don't play games.

LST · 12/05/2020 18:14

My point exactly OP. Not YOURS either. So, what gives you the right to lock him out?

CountryCasual · 12/05/2020 18:14

You’re only getting such a hard time because you are confident in your anger. MN likes to tell women what to do rather than validate what they have done.

OP: I’m 6 weeks pregnant, have a toddler and am exhausted from working as a nurse during a worldwide pandemic and DH keeps sodding off to his friends house to play. He’s an ass, I’ve locked him out!
MN: wow you sound hot headed YABU!!!

OP: I’m 6 weeks pregnant, have a toddler and am exhausted from working as a nurse during a worldwide pandemic and DH keeps sodding off to his friends house to play. Am I wrong to be upset??
MN: YANBU He’s an ass, lock him out!

Runmybathforme · 12/05/2020 18:15

I don’t think you’re BU at all. First of all, there’s the lockdown issue, of course he shouldn’t be going to see his friend. Also, it sounds like you need him. The silly little boys talk is annoying as well.
Not sure about locking him out though, sounds like you need a chat.