Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have locked my OH out

131 replies

Moonandme111 · 12/05/2020 17:58

Getting so fed up with my OH disappearing to his friends house.
His friend is recently separated and his ex-wife has taken their 3 kids to her parents 2 hour drive away, he hasn't seen them in a good few months.
So I understand he is down, and my OH wants to be there for him, but it's just not on.
Texts on his phone from this friend 'if you're allowed out'... 'did you get in trouble' like they are kids... They are nearly 40!!

I'm 6 weeks pregnant, we have a toddler, not to mention lockdown!!

He reckons it's OK because his friend doesn't see anyone to catch anything from.
Again not the point.

So good luck with him getting back in the house tonight...
It's funny when his friends family was in tact, he was never 'allowed' out to see my OH.
Actually we rarely saw them, even tho they live at the other end of the village, it's not OK to treat me like a mug now his family isn't around!!

OP posts:
mbosnz · 12/05/2020 18:42

Oh, and sod him telling you not to tell your Mum that you're pregnant. You're the one that's pregnant, he's the one being a prick, you do what you want to do.

Bertucci · 12/05/2020 18:43

He’s being a prat. But locking him out is absolutely ridiculous.

You both need to grow up.

justasking111 · 12/05/2020 18:46

Phone your mum tell her you are pregnant.

You can see one other person but I thought outdoors 2 metres away?

I live in Wales so excuse my confusion.

Original poster
Moonandme111 · 12/05/2020 18:46

I'm meeting my mum tomorrow socially distanced outside as new guidance suggests that's allowed as of tomorrow, and I'm going to tell her my news.
Sod being told what to do by him when he has no concern or consideration for me.

OP posts:
thedancingbear · 12/05/2020 18:46

FFS.

'my friend has been having a really hard time after her husband left her, I've been round there loads lately supporting her.

Got home tonight - 'D'H has locked me out of the house! Said I'm not paying him/the kids enough attention. I had to sleep in the car'

This would no doubt (correctly) lead to shouts of abuser, Women's Aid, call the police and have him thrown out etc.

MH double standards at its finest and most obvious.

Kit19 · 12/05/2020 18:47

Yep I’d have locked him out too the twat

I think you really need to reconsider the whole relationship tbh - what exactly does he bring other than pt parenting?

peperethecat · 12/05/2020 18:48

You are being very unreasonable and you sound like incredibly hard work.

mbosnz · 12/05/2020 18:48

'my friend has been having a really hard time after her husband left her, I've been round there loads lately supporting her.

Lockdown?

NHS frontline worker?

Oakmaiden · 12/05/2020 18:48

if he can see his friend and break all the rules, then I can go and see my mum can't I?

Only if you want to risk passing anything you have picked up at work on to her.

I mean - yes - he is definitely breaking the rules, and I would not do so. I would encourage my dh not to break the rules (if he were inclined to do so - which he isn't) and I would be pissed off with him if he didn't comply with those rules.

I would also be really fucked off with my dh if he was only at home when I was at work or when the toddler was going to bed. Although, in a non Covid time, I guess I would be OK with him going over to his friend's and gaming for a couple of evenings a week.

I don't think I would lock him out in either circumstance though. And I would be fuming if my dh tried to lock me out if/because I had done something he didn't approve of...

So in general, a bit unreasonable, but you need to have a serious talk about him pulling his weight. You are not, as my mum used to say, running a hotel.

mbosnz · 12/05/2020 18:48

And of course - corona virus?

rabbitheadlights · 12/05/2020 18:50

@thedancingbear if it also included, DH is 6 weeks pregnant, and working as a nurse and I'm not helping with bedtime or at all really with the kids. I've also forbade them from talking to their mum about the pregnancy etc .... I beg to differ

Bertucci · 12/05/2020 18:51

Tbh, his breaking lockdown sounds like the least of your worries.

Reallynowdear · 12/05/2020 18:51

Jesus Christ, these responses are truly scary.

As a nurse, you know exactly how shockingly bad his behaviour is.

Lock him out, damm bloody right, let him live with his equally irresponsible friend. Why would you stay with a man who puts you, your child and your unborn child at risk at a time like this. For a video game? For a game?

What is wrong with people ffs.

rabbitheadlights · 12/05/2020 18:53

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏 @reallynowdear

MikeUniformMike · 12/05/2020 18:56

Are you sure it is his friend he's seeing?

Tachograph · 12/05/2020 18:57

Why would you stay with a man who puts you, your child and your unborn child at risk at a time like this. For a video game? For a game?

Thought it was for his friends mental health? I've seem a fair few threads on here where posters have supported women who have broke lockdown to see other female relatives whose mental health has been suffering. People are just annoyed because of the negative stereotype of gaming, but that's what men do.

Original poster
Moonandme111 · 12/05/2020 18:58

@mikeuniformmike
It did cross my mind, but I'm pretty sure it's his friend.
If he's not wound there, he's ringing all the time and they are on the phone for an hour or 2, so he disappears outside or up to bedroom.

He just thinks I'm being pregnant and hormonal, can't see he's doing anything wrong.

OP posts:
Ethicalbluey45 · 12/05/2020 19:01

im afraid I would do the same thing and have done the same thing in the past as someone said his friend`s family are all safe and what did he do to drive his wife to leave him with kids in tow. There is a thing called WhatsApp/ skype technology is a fine thing, so yes he needs to reflect on his behaviour

MikeUniformMike · 12/05/2020 19:03

I had to ask. Women are always hormonal. It's men's excuse for their own behaviour.

Truthpact · 12/05/2020 19:04

@thedancingbear

I'd say good on him for protecting his kids from their stupid mother who walked out during lockdown to visit a friend and come back with a potential disease that could harm them. Same situation here. Both stupid people, no matter what sex you are.

Original poster
Moonandme111 · 12/05/2020 19:04

@mikeuniformmike exactly that. It's an easy excuse to make us feel like we're being unreasonable to justify their behaviour.

OP posts:
Aweebawbee · 12/05/2020 19:04

I think that the lockdown situation has highlighted a fundamental problem in your relationship: he doesn't pull his weight. He sounds like a manchild who will not be an equal partner or parent after the lockdown either.

LoveIslandVirgin · 12/05/2020 19:05

@Moonandme111

I don't think he is having that bad a time mentally,
They are sitting round there playing computer games!

Perhaps your OH has prevented mental health issues by showing his friend compassion.

We all need to make risk assessments, even prior to Covid-19. If the friend never goes anywhere and observes the lockdown requirements re hand hygiene etc, then I would estimate a very low risk.

If Boris said you were allowed to counsel a friend after a crisis, would that make it ok and you’d unlock the door?

Congratulations on your pregnancy and it should be a happy time. Enjoy seeing your mum tomorrow and stay safe.

Original poster
Moonandme111 · 12/05/2020 19:07

Also I'm quite aware that our relationship / parenting isn't 50 50.
It's more 70 /30.
90% of the time, I am OK with that, my choice completely, I love my DS to bits, love doing bedtime and being with him.
But there is 10% where its not unreasonable to ask for a break, or to be thought of and considered.

OP posts:
Reallynowdear · 12/05/2020 19:16

@Tachograph

OP states her OH 'keeps disappearing'. As the spouse of a nurse, he knows exactly the position he's putting multiple people in.

Helping a friend with mental health issues does not excuse this kind of shitty behaviour.

He can offer support, call as many times as he can, be available to chat, play online games whenever his friend needs support, rally other friends to do the same.

As of today meet whilst social distancing, loads of options.

However, he's choosing to put his loved ones health in danger.

This is not about gaming, at all, you have misunderstood if you thought that is what I meant.