To turn DH down because he couldn't tear himself away from a bloody game until almost 1am

[Perqut]

DH works nights, on his nights off he stays up into the small hours gaming or watching films because he can't go to sleep at a normal hour like myself.

He made it clear he was "interested" this evening so I had a bit of a pamper, long bath shaved everywhere you get the picture.

He was on his xbox so I waited up, but by 12.45 ive decide to call it a night. I'm exhausted and our DC (toddler/baby) have me up at 6.45.

I can't function on less than 7 hours sleep generally. It's ok for him as he gets to sleep late into the morning.

Only when he sees I'm off to bed does he pause his game and become suggestive.

I said I'm going to sleep, I've waited up very late and you've been sat on your game. I have to be up with the children.

This happens often, then he acts deflated because by daft o clock in the morning I'm no longer in the mood having been sat around wasting my time.

Who, if anybody, is being unreasonable?

That would be annoying.

Out of interest, why didn't you initiate it rather than waiting for him?

I definitely don't and won't leave the kids to their own devices to satisfy his sexual desires.

If they happen to be napping then he's in luck but otherwise it doesn't happen.

I didn't initiate it because he was sat in front of the t.v. (literally) glued to the screen and chatting on his headset.

I know from experience that he doesn't just come away from the screen, if he's needed whilst gaming he has to "fly back" to the base or finish whatever else he's doing which usually takes 15-30 mins. If I shout him whilst he's gaming he doesn't hear me.

Plus his mates can hear everything in our living room.

It's ok for him as he gets to sleep late into the morning.

Since he wants you to stay up late (for sex), perhaps he could offer to get up with the kids in the morning so you can have the lie-in?

Wake him up at 5.30 for a shag before th kids wake up

Welp.

With your updates, I'd reduce the scope of this even further to a simple question:

• Has your relationship always been like this? The balance between social time? His night working, friendships etc?

If it has, then the prospect of him changing is very small, I'm afraid. My husband and I have both matured a bit over the course of our relationship, but it's been, say, a 10% change and in a positive direction. He sounds like he'd need to do a 180 to be a good partner, and if the situation has only got bad because kids were added to it, then it's an even bigger problem IMO.

I have this too sometimes. Comes in after gaming after me being on my own for ages and thinks it's just going to happen - nope!

I had this same issue with my exh and bloody Warcraft and League of Legehds, both of which he took very seriously. And he didn't work nights!! He'd expect me to stay up late and be ready to have sex when he was - which could be anywhere between 10pm (reasonable) and 3am! With a new baby and two older DC I was bloody knackered by midnight. Then he'd get in a huff if I said I was off to bed. Or he'd say 'you should have seduced me' err not easy when he was sat in a gamer chair at a desk with headphones and a microphone and a mouse glued to his hand!! I did try to initiate a few times only to be told 'can't you see I'm in a raid??' So yeah clearly wasn't interested in me seducing him and it was just a way to shift blame. It was infuriating, made me feel very undesirable, and was part of (many) reasons why he's now my exh.

Not saying your DH should be your ex DH!! Just saying I understand where you're coming from. It sounds like he values his time more than he values yours tbh.

What a bloody cheek! What does he think you are? Just some object there to satisfy his desires as and when he's finished playing with his toys?

Sorry but I couldn't live with that lack of respect full stop.

Oh men are bloody stupid sometimes.

Amazing that he has the nerve to moan you aren't interested in him- he is acting very much like he isn't interested in you!! Id be bloody insulted that he'd rather game than be in bed with me. You were the one being rejected here!

Hope he sticks to his new plan.

None of this is really about gaming, though, or gamers, is it? It's about priorities. OP is actually on her own because of an activity her DH rates high above spending time wit her. He might as well be in the pub or rebuilding a vintage car in the garage or surfing. He has an engrossing, absorbing hobby that isolates him and makes him treat his DW and DC as if they don't matter and don't exist while he's engaged in it.

Then when he's finished, he's miffed if he doesn't find his DW bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and raring to go, even if she's been ignored for hours.

The fact that other hobbyists - strangers - are essentially invited in by DH to eavesdrop on the family without OP's consent is an extra complication.

Essentially, OP, he has pushed you to the margins of his life and you get the crumbs and fag-ends of his attention when he's done everything else he wants to do first.

I don't think that's fair or kind or loving or remotely acceptable. The only circumstances where this sort of thing is acceptable short-term woukd be if someone were building their career or business or swotting for professional exams with the long-term goal of improving family circumstances or perhaps putting in overtime caring for a sick parent. If it benefits nobody but the hobbyist and is done purely for their pleasure or relaxation, it's plain selfish.

Gaming does not make people lazy.

But it does make them oblivious to everything and everyone while they're playing, which can be for a very long time. If they expect others to wait while they play, they are being rude i.e. the Ops DH. If it means they don't do chores then, yes, they are lazy.

@NearlyGranny

A very good post.

In fact, I had a similar realisation a week ago when I realised that my hobby was beginning to consume an unfair amount of our time at home.

I write, and the fact that I'm actually nearing submission and would like it to become my career doesn't excuse the extent to which I've prioritised it recently (I got a bit of tunnel vision with the extra writing time I have in lockdown).

My husband is someone I love and respect, who is sociable, and who is locked down from other friends and family in this time. He's very supportive of my writing, but for his sake, I've cut back to allow for more joint activities.

Everything that NearlyGranny said. 100% this is how my exh acted and how peripheral the kids and I were in his life. Some of the moods her get in after a bad round were horrible, and her cut mealtimes short or ask me to change them because his team mates needed him online. It was too much for me and he made me feel awfully guilty for mentioning anything. It damaged our relationship so badly and then other with additional factors it was just too much.

I really hope your DP sorts himself out before it does any more damage to your relationship.

*he'd not her! Fat thumbs and daft phone are at play today.

I don't understand why you didn't just get it on when you booth realised sex was on the cards, why the gaming and bathing, surely if you have the horn and the kids are in bed you'd just go for it?
Marriage is wasted on the married.

@NearlyGranny absolutley spot on.

@Perqut honestly you and the DC are bottom of his priorities you all come before his hobby, how is that acceptable?

Doing what his on line hobby mates is more important to him that you or the DC...

How did your conversation go, @Perqut?

It went well alright. I made it clear there would be no sex if he stayed on his game until late and left me sat about.

He was on the game last night as expected but I just got up and said right I'm off to bed it's 11, "you're off right this minute?" Was his reply.

Yep.

Go, Perqut! Your life, your body, your schedule for a change!

Up to him if he chooses to keep up or miss out. 😉