To turn DH down because he couldn't tear himself away from a bloody game until almost 1am

[Perqut]

DH works nights, on his nights off he stays up into the small hours gaming or watching films because he can't go to sleep at a normal hour like myself.

He made it clear he was "interested" this evening so I had a bit of a pamper, long bath shaved everywhere you get the picture.

He was on his xbox so I waited up, but by 12.45 ive decide to call it a night. I'm exhausted and our DC (toddler/baby) have me up at 6.45.

I can't function on less than 7 hours sleep generally. It's ok for him as he gets to sleep late into the morning.

Only when he sees I'm off to bed does he pause his game and become suggestive.

I said I'm going to sleep, I've waited up very late and you've been sat on your game. I have to be up with the children.

This happens often, then he acts deflated because by daft o clock in the morning I'm no longer in the mood having been sat around wasting my time.

Who, if anybody, is being unreasonable?

Did you want sex OP or were you just pampering up because he wanted it?

@ALovelyBitOfSquirrel my partner plays games all the time. He also cooks dinner, takes care of our son, cleans, buys me flowers, does the food shop, but you bet he spends his downtime playing those games, usually with my much younger brothers online. He also SHOCK HORROR seduces me. And if he’s playing and I want something, it’s usually easy to distract him by kissing him or otherwise distracting him.

The gaming 'issue' is a red herring. He could have been cleaning his motorcycle engine or restoring antique gramophones - the end result is the same. He expected OP to stay awake indefinitely until such time as he was ready. The problem with that is that it relies upon OP going without a significant chunk of sleep - which is pretty unfair when she has to be up early with two very young kids.

This is a communication problem; tell him that you need to find a compromise which works for both of you.

Perqut - if all you needed to do to get him to come up with you was announce you were going to bed, now, why did you wait until it was too late to go to bed?

I don’t see anywhere the OP complaining she didn’t get sex.

Yes, and that bit's confusing to me. As far as the narrative goes, he said that he wanted sex, she prepared herself, then waited for him way past her usual bedtime with no further dialogue on the matter. No indication whatsoever on whether she was especially up for sex. (For me, this would indicate 'not particularly', because if I were horny, there's no way I'd want to wait for a long bath or sit around all evening waiting... maybe just me)

OP - if you need to do all that prep work to feel good for yourself, that's fine, but there's two angles to this, and I think both of you are being unreasonable.

Your husband is at the very least communicating that he'd like to have sex (his unreasonableness stems from thinking that is all it takes). For me, if I indicate I'm up for it and my husband isn't immediately ready, then the ball is in his court. I'm not going to pester him - I wait for a clear signal he's ready.

You are 'communicating' by preparing, but then you leave it there. On top of that, this has happened before, but you still expect a different outcome from doing the same things.

This isn't a difficult one to solve. Use your words!

YANBU. My husband is working from home and is staying up a lot later than he normally would, which is fine but I'm pregnant and shattered by 10pm so come to bed. When he comes up later I'm fast asleep, the other day he mentioned it had been a while since we had sex, I told him come to bed with me at 10 then, otherwise I'll be asleep.
Soon bloody came up at 10pm. Just tell him! If he still doesn't change that's when there's a problem!

Yes, and that bit's confusing to me. As far as the narrative goes, he said that he wanted sex, she prepared herself, then waited for him way past her usual bedtime with no further dialogue on the matter. No indication whatsoever on whether she was especially up for sex.

I don't really get this either. Presumably she also wanted sex so I don't get why she just hung around waiting rather than just "go for it" as it were.

I mean, he was an arse but there seem to be communication problems in general.

But when a parent decamps to another room, puts on headphones and picks up a controller- they are usually no good to the household for hours

I think a lot of people seem to have the misconception that all games are basically COD/Fortnite. Me and my partner play games most evenings, and I have never once worn a headset or been unapproachable. We play mostly story games, in which case we are basically playing out an interactive, long form TV drama, or party type games you play together. They're interactive activities.

What I don't understand is how people get in a situation where one party plays games by themselves constantly and the other has no interest in it, or actively despises it. OP, what were you doing until that hour while he was gaming, was he taking up the TV? Does he think you are watching and engaged when he does that, or are you doing something else that gives him the impression you don't mind him gaming all the time? Or areyou just sat there bored and he doesn't care?

YANBU for saying no to sex, obviously, but it doesn't sound like a recipe for a happy relationship if the expectation for a standard evening is that one of you will be occupied on a game constantly, and then right at the end the two of you will come together just to have sex. Where is the conversation and romance? If gaming is not a joint hobby then you probably need to have a discussion about how much time it fills.

Are you married to my exH? He did this then had the cheek to moan to anyone who'd listen that we never had sex. If he'd have come up to bed when I went at 10pm then he'd have got sex. Instead he chose to game until 1am then complain and demand a lie in because he was tired. He didn't work nights at this point but does now.
Is he addicted to gaming? I've had gaming take over my marriage and the subsequent relationship I had. Funnily enough the guy I was with after my marriage had his marriage end due to gaming too.

Your DH is a manchild and needs to put his relationship before a game.

Like others I don’t know why you waited up for him? Just say you were going to bed at whatever time is normal for you and then he can decide. You can’t sit there silently waiting and then be upset at how long he’s made you wait up.

If he'd have come up to bed when I went at 10pm then he'd have got sex.

Sorry to pick on you specifically, as this isn't the only example of the kind of language around sex that is very alien to me and is rife in this thread.

My husband doesn't GET sex from me. We HAVE sex, for our mutual satisfaction.

We both want sex - we both have sex.
One of us wants sex - they sort themselves out.

(occasionally we come on to each other and become up for it, but no pestering if rebuffed)

You can't shake sex out of a woman like she's a vending machine, or a man either. It's not something you GET from someone!

@thecatsthecats
This is what I was thinking.
If OP's husband was aware she was ready and waiting, and expected her to wait for him then he's a selfish twat. (And I agree the gaming is irrelevant).
But I wonder if it's a case of miscommunication, and both parties were sitting waiting for the other? OP for DH to finish his game, and DH for OP to finish her long bath, pamper etc without pestering - then when OP gets up to go upstairs he thinks "great, she's ready now, let's go for it?".
It depends on timelines too, though - if OP was sat clearly waiting for an hour or more then at best DH was too absorbed in the game, and inconsiderate.

Though I may be projecting somewhat, as both a gamer and someone who doesn't really get "getting ready" - while I've never had it from a relationship perspective, settling in to play a video game while Dsis commenced her hours long "getting ready" routine and waiting for a cue for her to be done was a staple of our teenage years - only for her to look at me when done with horror, and a "what are you doing, I told you I was getting ready!?".
(Alternatively, I'd jump up too early and be told "I'm not ready yet, I haven't shaved/straightened hair/put makeup on etc).

Thanks for the replies, I'm interested in the different POV's

I don't have a problem with him enjoying games, but the fact he becomes a zombie when he does. I quite like playing the sims myself once or twice a week but I'm still available for communication as I don't wear a headset and zone out of the room like he does. If i speak to him he either doesn't hear me or deliberately ignores.

I don't want to go over and reduce him because he's on the headset talking to gamer friends who can hear everything that is going on in our front room.

Also when I got out of the bath he said he will need to shower as he felt a bit grubby, except he didn't then go off to shower and plonked himself infront of his game and got lost in that instead.

He didn't switch it off when I said I was going to bed either, he simply said to his friend on the headset "wait there a minute I'll be right back" then came to test the waters with me as I was getting a drink of water to take up.

We do have opportunistic sex if the DC go down for a nap at the same time during the day but this is never reliable.

What happened last night is a semi regular occurrence and I've told him a handful of times before that if he wants it he has to come off the game at a reasonable hour because I need my sleep.

We've had some dry spells where he has implied he thinks I'm not attracted to him, but all it comes down to is him zoning out until stupid o clock and then sulking that he has missed the window.

A bit of romance would be nice too, i don't find the back of his headset much of an aphrodisiac

A bit of romance would be nice too, i don't find the back of his headset much of an aphrodisiac

I so totally get that.

Did you want sex OP, or were you just doing it for him?

if OP was sat clearly waiting for an hour or more then at best DH was too absorbed in the game, and inconsiderate.

Yep this was what happened

"This happens often, then he acts deflated because by daft o clock in the morning I'm no longer in the mood having been sat around wasting my time."
Once this had happened a few times, he should have worked out for himself that he had to change his 'schedule' - sex first, then come back downstairs and game if he still can't sleep yet. (I have a lot of sympathy for nightshift workers, my dad was the same, reading the paper at 3am.)

The fact that he instead "acts deflated", when he must KNOW that's going to be the result - that's what's bizarre to me. He has the sleep pattern of a nightshift-worker, but ignores that you have the sleep pattern of an up-early-with-the-baby-worker. Your sleep patterns is just as demanding as his. His acting deflated therefore comes across as some sort of guilt-tripping power play, trying to make you prioritise intimacy with him over necessary sleep and caring for both your children. Bizarre.

He needs to decide what his priorities are and make best use of the limited overlap time that you have. Because right now, his priorities are screwed.

Couldn’t you have just told him it’s now or not at all ?
You just sat in bed waiting ?!

I think a lot of people seem to have the misconception that all games are basically COD/Fortnite

There's a few misconceptions about gaming and they're tediously trotted out time and the again. It must makes people look a bit ignorant.

Sounds like it's a bit of different body clocks, an absorbing hobby and a passive OP who need to learn how to assert herself and her wants.

Never be the lady who sits and waits for some attention to be paid to you.

I was looking forward to some intimacy last night, I find we get on better when the sex doesn't slip (which it can and does, given our opposite bodyclocks and responsibilities)

Admittedly some of the time I go along with it just to make him happy, he has a higher sex drive

We've had some dry spells where he has implied he thinks I'm not attracted to him, but all it comes down to is him zoning out until stupid o clock and then sulking that he has missed the window.

See, my husband and I have no issue with telling each other that certain behaviours are in fact unattractive. In two ways - either turning the other off when they would have been up for it, or in just not helping someone get there in the first place.

(for example my husband likes a lie in - fine - but I'm clear that I find him lying in bed all morning in the dark on his phone quite unappealing, and he prefers me to make an effort not to fart freely )

It's not about forcing someone to change, it's about communicating what does or doesn't get our engines revving - when we have that information, we can act on it or not.

What we don't do is say that a person is unattractive - it's all about behaviour.

To clarify, when I got out of the bath I did make it clear I was interested and that's when he said he'll "get a quick shower when the hot water comes back on" all enthusiastic because he knew his luck was in.

Our boiler does this annoying thing where if somebody has showered or baths then you have to wait 15-20 minutes for the hot water to fill back up again.

Instead of going for the shower once the hot water came back on he remained glued to the game and lost track of time, which pissed me off, but I waited around anyway as I was quite looking forward to it.

At the point I thought fuck this I'm going to bed he still hadn't showered and wanted me to wait even longer so he could go outside for a cigarette, then shower, then sex.

Bollocks to that

Just to be clear, I have addressed this very situation multiple times this year alone so he knows full well if he glues himself to the headset until very late then sex is off the menu

He can be very self absorbed when it comes to sex, and often requests it at unreasonable times.

For example, he'll ask me to "come and wake him up" after a sleep during the day post night shift. I have a baby and a toddler in the home. I'm not always able to ensure they're napping at the time he has asked me to wake him.

Mornings when he gets in from work are equally difficult because again, the kids are up and active.

He thinks it's acceptable to plonk them in the play pen for 30 mins whilst I slope off and give him a nice wake up call which I'm not particularly happy about doing because the eldest can be pushy with the baby.

The most realistic window for sex is before bed on his nights off but that is when he is absorbed into chatting and playing on his game/headset.

I think you should have said that you wanted to go to bed early as he wasn’t to know. I also think
It’s unreasonable to be suggestive then ignore you for a video game all night

I think you need to make this about your desire and not his OP. Tell him he'll get sex when he learns about what turns YOU on.