To turn DH down because he couldn't tear himself away from a bloody game until almost 1am

[Perqut]

DH works nights, on his nights off he stays up into the small hours gaming or watching films because he can't go to sleep at a normal hour like myself.

He made it clear he was "interested" this evening so I had a bit of a pamper, long bath shaved everywhere you get the picture.

He was on his xbox so I waited up, but by 12.45 ive decide to call it a night. I'm exhausted and our DC (toddler/baby) have me up at 6.45.

I can't function on less than 7 hours sleep generally. It's ok for him as he gets to sleep late into the morning.

Only when he sees I'm off to bed does he pause his game and become suggestive.

I said I'm going to sleep, I've waited up very late and you've been sat on your game. I have to be up with the children.

This happens often, then he acts deflated because by daft o clock in the morning I'm no longer in the mood having been sat around wasting my time.

Who, if anybody, is being unreasonable?

Why didn’t you just make a move on him while he was playing? Or walk by in lingerie or a state of undress?

Why is it the woman’s job to seduce the man?

It always shocks me how much this attitude is thrown around on MN. He was sitting fucking gaming. No the OP shouldn’t be the one to wander past in fucking lingerie. He wants sex he can get off his arse and put his partner in the mood. Not be bloody seduced.

Argh, too many window open sorry, that was meant for somewhere else. I'll get it removed

100% YANBU

@ConstantlySeekingHappiness because she’s the one who left to get ready for sex then I’d expect her to initiate it when she’s ready. If he’d have left I’d expect him to, he had the time to distract himself and do something else...

Its not the womans job to seduce the man

However if one member of the party wants to go to bed earlier than the other, it makes sense they indicate to the other this is when theyd like sex. Irrelevent if they are male or female.

It was the DH who first suggested it, it was OP who was just waiting around for him to initiate.

• Why is it the woman’s job to seduce the man?

It always shocks me how much this attitude is thrown around on MN. He was sitting fucking gaming. No the OP shouldn’t be the one to wander past in fucking lingerie. He wants sex he can get off his arse and put his partner in the mood. Not be bloody seduced.*

Why is it the man's job to seduce a woman 😂??

What is so wrong with seducing your man? Even if he's - shock horror - gaming.

Like a pp said, you can't sit around like a concubine and then flounce off and complain you didn't get sex. It takes two people. Sometimes you need to instigate, sometimes he needs to instigate. Since OP was the one who wanted to get off to bed, I'd say in this instance it would have been fair / easy / practical for her to instigate.

I hate the attitude "he wants sex so he can..." he's not a dog who needs to work for a treat.

I don't even know how you can find a man sat there gaming remotely attractive, what an absolute turn off! I would not be shaving (!) for an evening watching this man child play with his nobs!

@Aclh13 I don’t know why you put up with any of that. Especially at 21.

@Thatnameistaken this is a brilliant message and I'm trying to read it as a veiled metaphor for instigating sex with a DH who is gaming.

He is inconsiderate. He could have interrupted his game and returned to it later when you were asleep. He does sound very childish.

Why were you waiting up?! I get so tired and sleepy from 9pm that I go to bed to read and tell DH if he's not up by 9.30 or 10pm we're not having sex! He knows the rules.

I dunno. I think I would just have said "I'm going to sleep now, if you still fancy a shag, you have to do it now because I'm exhausted."

We're not the last of the great romantics in this house, but I wouldn't fanny about shaving my legs and then wait upstairs for his highness either.

You're married not courting in the 1950s. No point in waiting about then sulking cos you didn't get the knobbing you expected.

@Biscuit0110 And what hobbies do you do that are so wildly sexually attractive?

I don't see this as a gaming issue - how he spends that time is irrelevant- it's a partner of a night shift worker issue. Compounded by small children it's bloody difficult to maintain any semblence of a romantic life at times. ( this is before differing libido issues, morning/night owl considerations)

You need to both communicate better - it's not sexy but establish lines of engagement.... ie. on night off and expecting intimacy, sex first then He gets up and games later. Be verbal with expectations and desired outcomes. Shift work can kill a relationship you need to work harder at intimacy - it is rarely spontaneous but It's worth it and the extra communication and understanding of expectations can actually make things even better in the long run. it's made things great for us but we struggled for the first few years

Yanbu but I agree that you should have just said “I’m off for a bath- when I get out I’m going to bed, come join me- or have your shower then so we can get dirty again”

play on console or play with wife?

must be a super dooper console

clouds literally almost anything else apart from train spotting to be fair I could not find anything sexy about a man who acts like a ten year old personally, but each to their own!

Yanbu. Have a direct chat with him, on nights when you intend to have sex tell him 10pm, he is welcome to play his game afterwards then you get the bed to yourself.
I work night shifts before the virus your clock is off. I'd start cleaning the oven at 9pm not realising it was the kids bedtime.

because she’s the one who left to get ready for sex then I’d expect her to initiate it when she’s ready. If he’d have left I’d expect him to, he had the time to distract himself and do something else

I disagree. It sounds from the OP that he was well aware she was waiting for him and “only when she was going to bed” did he turn away from his game. Sounds like he thought she was just going to wait around for him to be done with a bloody game. It sounds like the OP made it plenty clear she was done and was just waiting around but he couldn’t be arsed turning his game off.

Surely he must be aware that she doesn’t usually sit up until after midnight.

He wanted sex but only when it was convenient for him and no thought for his partner who has to get up early with two young children. Then he acts deflated.

No, I think on this occasion the OP shouldn’t have needed to bloody seduce him.

Your both being unreasonable, I think it takes a lot to understand a relationship with one person working night shifts if your not in one.

A relationship with a night worker is different to a no al relationship- you going to bed at 1am to him is like 11 in the morning to him.

When you went off to bed he shut the game down and followed, seems like he was waiting for you to go up to then find out you was going to sleep, so I think after your pamper he wasn’t aware you was waiting, but switched the game off when he thought you was, so sounds like crossed wires-your both unreasonable. You for expecting him to be a mind reader- and him for not being time aware.

complain you didn't get sex

I don’t see anywhere the OP complaining she didn’t get sex.

@Biscuit0110 I don't play, neither does my husband, I just don't see what is particularly attractive or otherwise about it.

@ConstantlySeekingHappiness So OP could just have stuck her head round the door and said "are you coming up?"

Am I really dull? I don't think I've ever seduced or been seduced by my husband. I don't think I could be bothered if it causes this much drama.

I really truly, could not live with any man who played these game things on computers whatever.. They are like zombie people, who have lost touch with the real world around them

I feel the same. I know a woman whose DH literally never stops playing. Does fuck all around the house or with DC. Just sits and plays games and talks to similar losers on a headset. I don't know how they put up with it.

@EmeraldShamrock that cleaning the oven at 9pm made me laugh because truer words have never been spoken. I also feel the least sexy during work hours so 11pm-7am ... which before night shifts was the perfect time for sex