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AIBU?

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Original poster

To turn DH down because he couldn't tear himself away from a bloody game until almost 1am

147 replies

Perqut · 12/05/2020 01:08

DH works nights, on his nights off he stays up into the small hours gaming or watching films because he can't go to sleep at a normal hour like myself.

He made it clear he was "interested" this evening so I had a bit of a pamper, long bath shaved everywhere you get the picture.

He was on his xbox so I waited up, but by 12.45 ive decide to call it a night. I'm exhausted and our DC (toddler/baby) have me up at 6.45.

I can't function on less than 7 hours sleep generally. It's ok for him as he gets to sleep late into the morning.

Only when he sees I'm off to bed does he pause his game and become suggestive.

I said I'm going to sleep, I've waited up very late and you've been sat on your game. I have to be up with the children.

This happens often, then he acts deflated because by daft o clock in the morning I'm no longer in the mood having been sat around wasting my time.

Who, if anybody, is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Perqut · 12/05/2020 10:06

I'm going to have a talk with him when he wakes up, whenever that will be.

I've addressed this a few times already so I don't expect it to make a blind bit of difference but I'll be more assertive.

OP posts:
diddl · 12/05/2020 10:15

"he simply said to his friend on the headset "wait there a minute I'll be right back" then came to test the waters with me"

Lovely!

Would he then have said "Just off for a shag??!!"

WaterOffADucksCrack · 12/05/2020 10:22

OP does he do this regularly? I'm wondering if he doesn't want to have sex but by doing this if you were to raise having infrequent sex he could blame you. "I've tried to have sex with you but you rejected me" kind of thing?

Also for PPs, gaming/gamers aren't the problem. It's the people acting like children when playing a game. Not all gamers act like that (I'm a non-gamer).

Original poster
Perqut · 12/05/2020 10:28

He does this regularly yes, although I know for absolute certain it's not because he doesn't want sex. He's sex mad.

It is like he's ignorant to the fact I need my sleep. He can't tear himself away from the game at a reasonable hour but still expects sex.

When he gets on that game with his online friends you just can't reach him, he loses hours. He has burnt a meal before when he's supposed to be cooking. You can ask him a question 5 times and he won't hear you. It's zombie like.

OP posts:
Original poster
Perqut · 12/05/2020 10:31

I'm cringing as I write this, he takes the game "seriously"

It's Ark he plays. He and two others treat it as a second job. If something goes wrong in game he will bring the bad mood into the rest of the day. The online friends are like dictators, he must be online on his nights off and he has to build this, go and collect that. Etc.

He simply can't just stop what he's doing for half an hour and do something else because then he's delaying the others.

It is annoying.

OP posts:
WeirdAndPissedOff · 12/05/2020 10:31

You're definitely not being unreasonable at all in that case then, OP. He's a selfish and inconsiderate twunt, and needs to be putting in a lot more effort, not just expecting a convenient shag whenever it suits him. And expecting you to sit and wait whilst he games is inconsiderate in any situation.

Also: he simply said to his friend on the headset "wait there a minute I'll be right back" then came to test the waters with me - nice. He knows how to make his DP feel special, then?

FWIW, while I don't have a problem with gaming at all, gaming with a headset is antisocial - fine to wind down if you have a couple of hours of uninterrupted alone time, but otherwise it removes you from family life and communication in a way that very few other household hobbies do.

Good luck with your chat. Sadly I think you may be right that if you've tried several times already then this one isn't likely to yield better results, but something needs to change and you're doing more than enough work (emotionally and otherwise) whilst he's sat waiting for life to revolve around him and sulking when it doesn't.

JudyCoolibar · 12/05/2020 10:32

That's dangerously near an addiction. Ask him to get treatment, otherwise it's going to ruin his life.

Arnoldthecat · 12/05/2020 10:33

Are these men mad..?

JudyCoolibar · 12/05/2020 10:34

For example, he'll ask me to "come and wake him up" after a sleep during the day post night shift

Tell him it's not going to happen. Why should his children take second place to his gaming?

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/05/2020 10:35

"He simply can't just stop what he's doing for half an hour and do something else because then he's delaying the others."
He won't delay them playing this game, but he'll happily delay you getting some necessary sleep?

vanillandhoney · 12/05/2020 10:36

This goes way beyond him not coming to bed at a reasonable time.

If he has a hobby that means he gets angry and carries his mood into everyday life then that's really unhealthy and not something you can solve with a simple conversation.

Does he realise the impact it has on your day-to-day life?

vanillandhoney · 12/05/2020 10:37

He simply can't just stop what he's doing for half an hour and do something else because then he's delaying the others.

Do you not see that he's happy to delay you, though?

Lizziethe · 12/05/2020 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

gamerchick · 12/05/2020 10:38

It's Ark he plays. He and two others treat it as a second job. If something goes wrong in game he will bring the bad mood into the rest of the day. The online friends are like dictators, he must be online on his nights off and he has to build this, go and collect that. Etc

This is bad shit you know OP? It'll end up killing your relationship. All consuming hobbies are for single people. He might need to be reminded of that.

Original poster
Perqut · 12/05/2020 10:39

I wouldn't rule out gaming addiction except he's playing slightly less than he used to. He used to get in from work in the morning and go straight on the game for a few hours which would then result in him getting up late into the evening and having to rush about to get ready to work.

He takes over the television every night he is off work though, he says it's his "wind down time"

We have another television in the bedroom he could use but he doesn't do that because he likes the big one in the living room, and so there's no chance of me watching tv before bed.

If he's up until 4 in the morning he won't come to bed he'll crash out on the sofa instead which means me and the kids having to busy around him in the morning.

When I read all of this back it's no wonder I can't be bothered half of the time, but I do make an effort to have sex regardless because otherwise it turns into "woe is me, you don't find me attractive do you"

OP posts:
MizMoonshine · 12/05/2020 10:39

Sounds like you allowed a missed opportunity to come about here. You should have made it clear to him that you were interested in DTD.
Communication.

otterturk · 12/05/2020 10:40

He doesn't sound remotely attractive.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/05/2020 10:43

"When I read all of this back it's no wonder I can't be bothered half of the time, but I do make an effort to have sex regardless because otherwise it turns into "woe is me, you don't find me attractive do you" "
What is attractive about a kidult who takes orders from his mates? Nowt!

Original poster
Perqut · 12/05/2020 10:46

He's awake now, still groggy because he didn't come offline until almost 4.

I've done breakfast, changed and dressed the kids, set out some toys and done the washing up.

The first conversation had is about how there is technical issues on the server because it kept lagging.

I'm going to address it once he has woken up properly.

OP posts:
ConstantlySeekingHappiness · 12/05/2020 10:51

@MizMoonshine

I think you need to read the updates......

Nothing about this was the OP missing an opportunity

Yellowsubmarinedreams · 12/05/2020 10:54

I can't understand why you tolerate a man putting games before sleep which means he gets a daily lie in and you are left to do all the parenting?

GrolliffetheDragon · 12/05/2020 10:54

People loose all sense of time gaming. It's anti social as they don't talk to you when gaming or maybe that's my husband.

I'm like that when I'm reading. Nose stuck in a book, oblivious to everything around me.

I do a bit of gaming as well, not as much as DH, but he doesn't read so much. If a game has a good story I'll watch him play it, so it's not like he's locked away not interacting with me.

Original poster
Perqut · 12/05/2020 10:56

To be fair to him so I'm not missing out key information, he does pull his weight during the day when he's off work. He cooks and does his share of the childcare.

That has improved over the past year, it is now just nights/early mornings that this is an issue.

Still far from ideal I know.

I've just spoken to him and said exactly what I have here, he has acknowledged what I'm saying and has agreed that he'll only go on the games once I've already gone to bed.

Will see how this pans out

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 12/05/2020 11:03

"he has acknowledged what I'm saying and has agreed that he'll only go on the games once I've already gone to bed."
That'll piss off his online friends! But it could work if he sticks to it.

thetoddleratemyhomework · 12/05/2020 11:25

Please don't just plonk your kids in a playpen for 30 minutes to satisfy your husband's sexual needs when you don't feel comfortable with it. Real men put their wife and kid's needs first.