Is he Anal or am I in the wrong

[IsHeAnal]

Can someone just please tell me if I’m be unreasonable when I tell my partner that he is playing mind games with my girls. This is written in a rush after yet another incident so I’m a bit peed off right now. It’s long and sorry for all mistakes and grammar.

We’ve been together since end 2016. Moved in together end 2018. He moved to my area and we moved into a new place.
He is brilliant with the girls. He never had any children himself. I don’t drive so all after school activities etc that’s not within walking distance he takes and drops them. He treat them. Surprised them this Xmas with one of their favourite music artists (might be cancelled) but just to give you an idea that he does a lot for them.

Now my biggest biggest issue is what I personally call “anal” behaviour. The girls are 12 and 9. From all my friends near and friends who I know who doesn’t live near us my girls go to bed early. Always has either screen time on their iPads or on DD1s phone. If behaviour isn’t good I can just say to them “put your phone downstairs until you behave better etc”. They might be annoyed but they don’t question my choices. My 9 year old is a little like me and will ask me if I’m the boss of her etc or why am I on my phone before reluctantly putting hers down.

I’m now going to list what he does that annoy the hell out of me.

1. He will hide 9 year olds iPad to test if she will come and hug me in the morning because she “loves” me or because she wants the iPad.
2. He used to go into DD1s room to hide her laptop as DD1 tend to give her laptop for DD2 to play minecraft. So when he is at work and DD1 needs to do work on laptop we can’t find it. I lost my shit about that so that is the only thing that stopped. And similar he hides DD1s iPad for same reason. But still always come and moan at me that she’s on it when he walks past there bedroom.
3. He will come and tell me every single time if DD2 is on her iPad or on her sisters gadgets. Every single time. I’ve got screen time on from 9am to 6pm and sometimes extend it depending on if she’s been doing other stuff all day and not been on her iPad. But even though it’s available to use all day she’s limited to 2hrs app time. So if she’s been 2hrs non stop on there she cannot continue on it unless she asks me.
4. Brushing of teeth: every single night after I’ve kissed them whether they’ve come downstairs or I’ve gone up and told them get ready for bed i.e. pjs on and teeth. He will shout up brush your teeth. He will then pretend to go to the toilet to go and feel if their toothbrushes are wet. And go on and on if one of the girls happened to not have done it.
5. He now also during lockdown go in every morning and put their toothbrushes in a particular position to see if they’ve moved it. If it hasn’t moved it proofs that they haven’t yet again brush their teeth. And use it against them for something. Every bloody time. Most of the time the girls are currently especially during lockdown in their onesies. So yes tend to forget stuff like brushing their teeth as they tend to have breakfast after JoeWicks and then start school work at 10.
6. He is constantly onto DD1 about showering. It’s lockdown. Most of the time she finds excuses right now. My thinking is she will struggle and she’ll stink if she doesn’t shower so she’s old enough to know better. He is constantly making note of when she had a shower. So I flipped last week and said what if she starts her period (she hasn’t yet) will you also be on and aware of it all the time. I would have hated that if I was her age.
7. DD2 is working downstairs as she’s only 9 and DD1 in her own room. Every now and then he will come downstairs and if DD2 is doing anything remotely that doesn’t look school work related he will make comments and reference to it or “questioning” if we are actually doing school work.
8. Bed time: for years my girls slept 7pm to 7am. Until I started to feel sorry for them as I know their friends sleep later. 2 years ago that was extended to 8pm. Now I personally don’t mind if it’s 8:30 to 9 during term time for DD2 and 9-10 for DD1. Its lockdown so I honestly would not have been all that bothered. But whether it’s normal school days or weekends or holidays he is constantly moaning about bed time. Saying he needs his alone time and chill out time. He goes to bed at 9:15. So most evenings I’m there on my own. I have always been the type of parent who had a 7-7 bedtime routine but flexible with my girls as youngsters so if we were heading to a playgroup or meeting a friend and they fell asleep on their way I’d still go as they’ll sleep in pushchair or they’d fall asleep on their way home but I could always lift them out of pushchair and put them asleep into their cot with no make ups. Their dad was a massive asshole but my girls were very good babies/children.
9. He hates it when the girls come in for cuddles in the morning as he doesn’t believe kids belong in their parents bedroom let alone if he isn’t there. But will quite happily like a photo of my friend who has 3 kids and her partner who has 2 kids and her having all 5 on her bed.

Please tell me that I have every reason to lose my shit. My biggest worry is my eldest is almost a teenager and she’s going to have friends in and out of our house or want to stay up even later. The girls love him and id hate for them to be older and resent him when he does such a lot for them. But they’d end up resenting him as he behaves like a snitch. Every single time when they are doing stuff that’s very small he runs to me. Every every time. So AIBU to tell him to just bloody stop it and enjoy this age and stage the girls are at as they really are not difficult kids. Please help!

I agree that it's normal for those things to be concerns, that doesn't make it alright to be weird and controlling about them though

Most 12 year olds don’t go to bed before 9, perhaps later. He’s in bed at 9.15. If he wants adult time, he needs to adjust his schedule

I have a 12 year old whose bedtime is 9 🤷🏻‍♀️

So they need a chat about schedules and he needs to come around to the fact that he’ll have to stay up later.

Not sure how that makes him a suspected paedo in the eyes of most on this thread.

If it was just about parenting then he’d talk to the OP about his opinion

Not test her 9yo’s love by stealing her iPad or checking if their toothbrushes are wet

@LuminousAmber Yes and I will most certainly make sure I sneak my DC’s things out of their bedroom to ‘test their love’ for me or their Dad, constantly keep tabs on whether they’re showering during a lockdown when they are feeling trapped and vulnerable and make sure to undermine every sense of their autonomy and trust oh and I must make sure to make their Dad into the bad guy whenever I disapprove of what they are/aren’t doing!

My DH has a Step Father who is a lovely but strict ex-military man, his level of strict order pales in comparison to what this guy seems to be doing.

He’s a control freak, at best. You’re still in the fairly early days of living together so I’m sure it will get worse. Have you ever been on holiday with him? In my experience that can be a good test as these extremely controlling types show their colours when they think you can’t escape/don’t want to spoil the holiday.

Can I just say that your girls sound like angels? I’m an only child and I thought that the thought of them sharing a bed and whispering away is really sweet and they have must have a lovely bond. I then had a horrible sick feeling that the reason he can’t relax with you downstairs when they are whispering is because he is worried about what they are whispering about.

Your children really do go to bed extremely early. My son has a 12/13 year old friend who is made to go to bed at that time because the parents want them all upstairs so they can have an ‘evening’ and it just seems so wrong at that age. These children are little human beings and they have needs too! They cannot just be banished upstairs from 7-7.

Separately all these issues seem really unjust and all together it paints a terrible picture. I think you sound like a good mum because you have already gone for counselling which is more than what a lot of head-in-the-sand mums do. You do want to shine a light on the behaviour. However I’m not sure these types change and if you wait too long for change your DDs will be affected even more than they already are.

I cannot believe that they love this bullying piece of shit.

OP read your first posts back and give yourself a shake.

This man sounds like he's gearing up to start abusing one or both of your children or he could already be doing it. He's systematically groomed you all to accept his controlling and obsessive behaviour, he's making sure he has a set time to abuse your girls when he knows you don't get in the way.

Get your head out of whatever rock it's burried under and protect your girls, do not let this man spend another minute with your daughters or another night in your house, this isn't a man trying to figure out how to parent, it's a predator waiting for the best time to pounce.

So he goes upstairs to bed just shortly after they do whilst you’re still downstairs? And works upstairs whilst they’re in their rooms and you’re downstairs?

He sound like he is a creepy weirdo trying to mask his nature by being overly concerned about discipline and everything is being put down to getting used to having children.

I don’t like the idea of his 9.15 bedtime and him being upstairs with your girls whilst you are downstairs.

The moving stuff around and putting his fingers on your children’s tooth brushes is really off putting.

Can’t put my finger on it but the constant badgering of you to tell them off and trying to catch them out makes me uneasy.

What job does he do that makes him so tired by 9.15?

Also what were his past relationships like?

Most of the time the girls are currently especially during lockdown in their onesies. So yes tend to forget stuff like brushing their teeth as they tend to have breakfast after JoeWicks and then start school work at 10.

But you described it as above OP. Most of the time they don't brush their teeth? Most of the time they are in their onsies, but now you say it was just today.

And this
He is constantly onto DD1 about showering. It’s lockdown. Most of the time she finds excuses right now. My thinking is she will struggle and she’ll stink if she doesn’t shower so she’s old enough to know better.

"Most of the time" and that you will wait for her to work out for herself when she stinks. But then you respond that she is very on top of being clean. SO which is it?

If you think the kids are better off without him around then follow your gut. It sounds like you are not compatible. But a truly do'nt get the responses on here.

Op does your bathroom door have a secure lock?

Be alert to it becoming “broken”.

Also keep an eye out for things like him hovering around the bathroom door when a Dc is inside with the excuse of “I’m just checking she’s actually brushing her teeth/showering” and keep an ear out for him trying the bathroom handle when they’re inside because he “didn’t realise anyone was in there”.

And if any of those things have already happened well, you know what you need to do.

He’s controlling and obsessive rather than “anal”. Regardless of whether your girls actually like him (give it time and they won’t) I would tell him it’s not working out so he has to go ASAP. Well now. Don’t put up with this and don’t show your girls that this kind of behaviour is normal and acceptable.

@fruitbrewhaha
So you think it's normal for an unrelated male who had know these girls for a relatively short amount of fine to have such a keen interest on their personal hygiene, their clothing choices, their access to their electronic devices. Especially when their mother is happy.

The very very best this man is us a creep, the worst is unthinkable.

What on earth is so wrong about siblings getting in better together and whispering. Unless it had scuppered his plans.

I’m glad I’m not the only one fruitbre.

Honestly it’s the responses on here that are creeping me out far more than anything the op wrote.

People are mis-quoting and embellishing massively. There are also lots of weirdly descriptive posts about the creepy weirdo pervert who sneaks upstairs after the girls and ‘puts his fingers’ on their toothbrushes and is ‘sniffing around’ them and ‘obsessed with the girls showering’.

Boak.

The toothbrush and the shower thing stand out for me too🤔, and his impulse to trick them, and the loyalty tests
classic narcissist type behaviour
He's training them to bend to his will, accept his monitoring of their every move

It's terrifying how clueless you are to this obvious grooming behaviour. Get this freak out of your children's lives immediately.

Has the op posted anything about clothing choices? Did I miss that?

Regarding whispering after bedtime, when it’s 10.30 and you’ve been listening to the dc fucking about upstairs for an hour (ie whispering with the occasional high pitched giggle) it’s bloody annoying, not cute.

I can only imagine how much more irritating it would be when the parent refuses to discipline them for it.

He doesn’t sound right

This man sounds like he's gearing up to start abusing one or both of your children or he could already be doing it. He's systematically groomed you all to accept his controlling and obsessive behaviour, he's making sure he has a set time to abuse your girls when he knows you don't get in the way

Agreed.

It's terrifying how clueless you are to this obvious grooming behaviour. Get this freak out of your children's lives immediately.

Again, agreed.

FFS OP, wake up to what's going on in your house!

She posted about the girls being in their onesies.

Annoying or not, they are not his children and their mother is happy with their behaviour.

@IsHeAnal

Every time you respond, you repeat that you thought it was to do with living with children for the first time and you are not really responding to what the vast majority are saying...

This is not right. It doesn’t matter that he takes them cycling or collects them. His behaviour is completely inappropriate.

He should not be going into their bedrooms. I’m very concerned that he’s going to bed, when they are, that he doesn’t want them in your bed when he’s not there and implying that they don’t love you.

Stop doing counselling with him and show your children that this behaviour should not be tolerated...just because he’s a man.

Tell him to leave and put your children first.

Will he be looking after your girls while you're doing your exams?

At best it sounds very controlling but it does sound as if he is trying to drive a wedge between you and your children so question why. He’s setting them up to be in the wrong in some way, complaining to you so you go and shout at them for pretty much nothing, divide and conquer so they won’t speak to you and you disbelieve them. This man invades their space and has far too much interest in their hygiene, he tramples all over boundaries and you accept this and teach them he can.
You say one child is avoiding showering, children avoiding showering and being clean is common amongst children being sexually abused, making themselves smelly and dirty in hope of avoiding being touched. You mentioned the children often stay together in one bed, I would be considering they may well be hoping for safety in numbers.
I’m not hysterical and don’t see sexual abuse everywhere but I do have personal experience and this situation is screaming grooming if not already abusing.

I'm afraid I have to agree with previous posters about this all being a huge red flag. This man is invading your daughters' personal space. As someone who has worked with survivors of sexual abuse I've heard on multiple occasions a women tell me she neglected her hygiene in an effort to divert attention. Perhaps your daughter trying to stay up late to watch TV is another effort to avoid this man.
Something which also strikes me is that despite the number of posters raising this possibility - nowhere in your very lengthy and detailed replies have you actually addressed it. This comes across as denial sadly. If there is any small part of you that thinks this could be true, watch this man very carefully and please talk to your daughters.