Is he Anal or am I in the wrong

[IsHeAnal]

Can someone just please tell me if I’m be unreasonable when I tell my partner that he is playing mind games with my girls. This is written in a rush after yet another incident so I’m a bit peed off right now. It’s long and sorry for all mistakes and grammar.

We’ve been together since end 2016. Moved in together end 2018. He moved to my area and we moved into a new place.
He is brilliant with the girls. He never had any children himself. I don’t drive so all after school activities etc that’s not within walking distance he takes and drops them. He treat them. Surprised them this Xmas with one of their favourite music artists (might be cancelled) but just to give you an idea that he does a lot for them.

Now my biggest biggest issue is what I personally call “anal” behaviour. The girls are 12 and 9. From all my friends near and friends who I know who doesn’t live near us my girls go to bed early. Always has either screen time on their iPads or on DD1s phone. If behaviour isn’t good I can just say to them “put your phone downstairs until you behave better etc”. They might be annoyed but they don’t question my choices. My 9 year old is a little like me and will ask me if I’m the boss of her etc or why am I on my phone before reluctantly putting hers down.

I’m now going to list what he does that annoy the hell out of me.

1. He will hide 9 year olds iPad to test if she will come and hug me in the morning because she “loves” me or because she wants the iPad.
2. He used to go into DD1s room to hide her laptop as DD1 tend to give her laptop for DD2 to play minecraft. So when he is at work and DD1 needs to do work on laptop we can’t find it. I lost my shit about that so that is the only thing that stopped. And similar he hides DD1s iPad for same reason. But still always come and moan at me that she’s on it when he walks past there bedroom.
3. He will come and tell me every single time if DD2 is on her iPad or on her sisters gadgets. Every single time. I’ve got screen time on from 9am to 6pm and sometimes extend it depending on if she’s been doing other stuff all day and not been on her iPad. But even though it’s available to use all day she’s limited to 2hrs app time. So if she’s been 2hrs non stop on there she cannot continue on it unless she asks me.
4. Brushing of teeth: every single night after I’ve kissed them whether they’ve come downstairs or I’ve gone up and told them get ready for bed i.e. pjs on and teeth. He will shout up brush your teeth. He will then pretend to go to the toilet to go and feel if their toothbrushes are wet. And go on and on if one of the girls happened to not have done it.
5. He now also during lockdown go in every morning and put their toothbrushes in a particular position to see if they’ve moved it. If it hasn’t moved it proofs that they haven’t yet again brush their teeth. And use it against them for something. Every bloody time. Most of the time the girls are currently especially during lockdown in their onesies. So yes tend to forget stuff like brushing their teeth as they tend to have breakfast after JoeWicks and then start school work at 10.
6. He is constantly onto DD1 about showering. It’s lockdown. Most of the time she finds excuses right now. My thinking is she will struggle and she’ll stink if she doesn’t shower so she’s old enough to know better. He is constantly making note of when she had a shower. So I flipped last week and said what if she starts her period (she hasn’t yet) will you also be on and aware of it all the time. I would have hated that if I was her age.
7. DD2 is working downstairs as she’s only 9 and DD1 in her own room. Every now and then he will come downstairs and if DD2 is doing anything remotely that doesn’t look school work related he will make comments and reference to it or “questioning” if we are actually doing school work.
8. Bed time: for years my girls slept 7pm to 7am. Until I started to feel sorry for them as I know their friends sleep later. 2 years ago that was extended to 8pm. Now I personally don’t mind if it’s 8:30 to 9 during term time for DD2 and 9-10 for DD1. Its lockdown so I honestly would not have been all that bothered. But whether it’s normal school days or weekends or holidays he is constantly moaning about bed time. Saying he needs his alone time and chill out time. He goes to bed at 9:15. So most evenings I’m there on my own. I have always been the type of parent who had a 7-7 bedtime routine but flexible with my girls as youngsters so if we were heading to a playgroup or meeting a friend and they fell asleep on their way I’d still go as they’ll sleep in pushchair or they’d fall asleep on their way home but I could always lift them out of pushchair and put them asleep into their cot with no make ups. Their dad was a massive asshole but my girls were very good babies/children.
9. He hates it when the girls come in for cuddles in the morning as he doesn’t believe kids belong in their parents bedroom let alone if he isn’t there. But will quite happily like a photo of my friend who has 3 kids and her partner who has 2 kids and her having all 5 on her bed.

Please tell me that I have every reason to lose my shit. My biggest worry is my eldest is almost a teenager and she’s going to have friends in and out of our house or want to stay up even later. The girls love him and id hate for them to be older and resent him when he does such a lot for them. But they’d end up resenting him as he behaves like a snitch. Every single time when they are doing stuff that’s very small he runs to me. Every every time. So AIBU to tell him to just bloody stop it and enjoy this age and stage the girls are at as they really are not difficult kids. Please help!

LuminousAmber but the OP didn’t say 10.30 pm she said 8.45 on a weekend night. And this apparently is so distracting that her DP can’t carry on chatting as his mind is ‘upstairs’. These were the OPs words:

to which I’d respond but they are not shouting screaming, it’s 8:45 on a weekend night so I’m cool. He then gets upset because I cannot stick to a routine.

He's like a fox pacing around a hen house, he can't tear himself away, sniffing around, monitoring them, learning everything he can about them, gathering information, waiting for an opportunity

Great description

So he lovebombs your daughters by treating them to stuff but is also controlling in a way that feels very invasive and seems intended to be impossible for them not to fall foul of at some point?

RUN.

I could not impose someone like this on my kids. It’s no way to live. What makes you think he is brilliant with them because he sounds fucking awful and a total control freak.

Are all your family abroad OP? Have you got anyone you can trust to run these things by in real life?

Yet again another unsuitable male living with children because the mother is putting her needs first ...he sounds horrendous. I lived with my grandmother from age 11 and she moved her creepy partner in ( even though I didnt want her too and made it clear he made me uncomfortable ) anyway he'd go through my bin , label the toilet rolls with the day of the week to make sure I wasnt using too much , make comments on how much I was eating , wearing how much I was showering and how long I was allowed to shower for was also controlled your girls might not be making too much of a fuss now but when those teenage hormones hit its going to be really hard for them :(

She posted about the girls being in their onesies

So just one example of the ridiculous, dramatic embellishing then.

Being unhappy your step-dc are lounging around in PJ’s/onesies rather than getting washed and dressed has morphed into the creepy pervert stepdad commenting on their ‘clothing choice’.

Give me strength.

"He tends to watch 1980s shit shows that’s been rehashed so will go upstairs earlier as I am watching something more recent."....I think that's just an excuse to go upstairs and watch porn/something else and then he can refer to any old series he can recall from years ago.

This man is controlling- you sound like you ran a perfectly organised household before he moved in, what made him think he has to take over? Take control of you household and your children-you sound like you had it sorted before he arrived!!
#longlivethepatriarchynothankyou!!

I would say he has a very unhealthy interest in your girls and what they do
When and where. Going in to their stuff and touching and hiding things, is so past the point of normality I'm lost for words.

Setting them up to fail so he can judge them is nasty and shit
He wouldn't be near my kids for a second more if I knew all this op
He's harassing and stalking your own children get him about

I often read threads like this and wonder “do women know they don’t have to live with men they’re dating?” That’s an optional thing- it’s not a compulsory step in the dating game. So many women would be a million times happier in life if they didn’t move men into their homes.

@ChandlerIsTheBestFriend - This comment is amasing ! 100% agree not even forever how about just until your vunerable children aren't under your roof anymore !

So many women would be a million times happier in life if they didn’t move men into their homes.

Seconded. Having my home be man-free was the best decision I made in over a decade.

Oh my god!Bloody tell him to fix up or get rid of him!The girls will end up hating him at this rate.It also sounds like he doesn't like your relationship with your girls,the way he's always telling you what they are doing.I bet your girls don't feel comfortable in their own house knowing that he's always trying to catch them out.He'll drive them away from you.You need to put a stop to this OP.

I'm frightened for your daughters and for you OP
This is what he is doing:
He is controlling your daughters and picking up on every time they are not doing as he thinks they should, and trying to make you feel like a bad parent
He is snitching on your daughters and making you have a go at them, ruining your relationship with them
He is terrorising your daughters and making sure they know he has power over them and you
Yet at the same time he spends money on them, on surprises, etc., this is to keep pulling them in
He is training them to do what he wants.
And training you to comply
Please
Leave

If your daughter isn't showering, op, maybe it's because she doesn't feel secure and private in the bathroom? She's not a little kid, she is at an age when personal hygiene becomes important. It is very weird indeed.

I'd get rid of him. He sounds nutty and controlling.

You've given us some good updates, op, excellent; so when does he leave?

Being honest op, has he ever 'accidentally' walked in on either of them when they are in the bathroom? Or getting changed?

Does he hover around the 12yo telling her to get in the shower, making it awkward for her to undress alone? This action is listed as sexual abuse on naccap or whatever it's called.

Have you done that background check you can have done at the police station?

His behaviour is abusive, but I'd be very concerned about him wanting them up in bed early, and in their own beds rather than together, while he goes up early too and you are downstairs.

There is something absolutely not right about all this when you take it as a whole.

His behaviour is escalating, as you said there wasn't a hint of this controlling behaviour before he moved in, and he's breaking down boundaries and grooming you all.

Stop talking yourself round his bullshit. GET HIM OUT OF YOUR HOUSE.

Ugh, he sounds so creepy and totally inappropriate.

Like PP I'm glad I made the decision when DS was small after my divorce never to have a man living in our home.
It's quite possible to have a relationship without moving them in.

He sounds a bit like my friend’s dh, who I used to go to school with. He has aspergers and is quite rigid in his expectations of what being a parent involves. Good parents check if their children have cleaned their teeth (I also have checked toothbrushes many many times lol), good parents ensure their children are clean, good parents don’t allow more than 2 hours screen time, etc etc. In my friend’s case they are his children (and one of them is very like his dad) but the routines and rigidity (I go to bed at 9.15) are eerily similar. And he’s definitely not abusing them. He just can’t handle it if the routines aren’t followed. He’s also finding lockdown extremely challenging in terms of the relaxing of the ‘rules’. He’s able to adjust the routines to new routines (they discussed ‘x is getting older now, so what time do you think is appropriate for bedtime?’ and they have a different bedtime rule for ‘non-school’ nights, but flexibility is a struggle!)
Is it possible that he’s got quite fixed expectations of what good parenting is, (maybe learned from his own childhood) and is struggling with not having the opportunity to be involved in the parenting decision-making despite being a de-facto parent? I don’t have step children but I’d expect a step parent to parent in all ordinary parenting matters (teeth brushing, hygiene) and I’d get pissed if he deferred to me all the time so I was bad guy and he got to be Disney (step) dad! It sounds as though you maybe want him to act like a parent but not be involved in what that role looks like. Can you talk to him about it without waiting until something happens to escalate?
Lots of dads find it a bit of a jolt when their daughters have to be viewed as anything other than completely asexual small children (and it has to be pointed out to them that bedroom access is going to require knocking, and they may have to accept that periods are going to have to be taken into account). They are usually horrified and embarrassed. It usually hasn’t occurred to them that the girls aren’t 7 any more.
I don’t see the abuse flags. But I do see a guy who needs to figure out how to parent his step daughters alongside you, or the relationship will be over.

Best case scenario- he is incredibly controlling.

Worst case scenario- as other posters have said.

I think you should leave him. But if you cannot-

One way to test whether you are in an abusive relationship is to simply say no- and see what happens. Tell him- he's not to devise little 'tests' for your daughters ever again. He's not to comment on their personal hygiene, bodies or dress. Ever.

Say no to all anything and everything you are uncomfortable with in relation to your children. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking he knows best or should get some kind of say.

Trust your gut OP. You know this isn't right. You need to protect your children.

@Hopkinsscar: the writing is on the wall,you are clearly feeling these red flags-which will get progressively worse as your DDs get older and have more and more freedom. They'll test boundaries, push against you and fuck up -as we all did..the question is, how ill someone like your DP exert control over them?How do you honestly anticipate this going?He sounds like hes really keeping a handle on his behaviour. I can imagine this escalating to something quite different when verbally challenged by your DD.

sounds a bit like OCD to me but also controlling. YANBU. It would annoy the hell out of me.

Okay I was hoping not to respond as I need to go to bed as I have an exam at 9am. So for those who say my exams are not important. Will you pay my next £9250 that I had to pay the last 2 years per year as only my final year will be covered by SFE. If I fail my exams I will have to redo it. All my hard work I’ve put in and how will I support my children going forward, what job can I do. Continue to struggle yet again as the expense of people trying to paint me as a bad parent. And you wonder why a lot parents commit suicide it’s support like some of these.

I never said I didn’t address it in fact I recognised the fact that I’ve read every single post that I will be addressing when I have more time but more importantly to the man I’m moaning about. This is my life and for any of you to even consider that I condone shit to be happening to my children.

Before this thread I would have 100% have said that he has never shown any of the sexual tendencies towards my kids. When he has moaned it’s towards me or in a way to them whilst I’m around. They would be in bed when he has checked their toothbrush if at night as it can proof that they didn’t brush as already in bed. It then either gets mentioned same night or in a way in the morning when they brushing their teeth a remark like “oh you need to brush extra long seeing as you didn’t brush it last night as I know etc.” When I then question he then speak about the moving the toothbrush a certain way. So instead of now me dealing with them for not having brushed their teeth it becomes an argument between me and him as I find that disturbing.

To anyone to even suggest I’m lax about parenting I have done every single parenting myself even when my EXH was around. My kids are bloody brilliant kids with amazing manners as each of their teachers, friends and neighbours can attest to. My 12 year old is known to be the only of the older kids to greet the other parents of the primary as she walks home or recognising when someone has done stuff for them. Yes like all bloody kids they use and opportunity to not brush it and I personally think it’s because of how he has been. Before that it was a given, dinner, bath, teeth, bed. I was the strict parent and I still am. We visited his friends last Easter with kids around both my kids ages and they were lovely to my kids genuinely and to the two of us but their behaviour towards their own parents made even my partner who has known these kids since babies say that he totally appreciates my girls now that he has witnessed that. We shared accommodation with these people for 4 nights.

My mother was way worse meaning I hid a lot from her. I am making sure every step of the way I want to make sure my kids can always have an open conversation about me about everything and they both do. DDs best friend does as well to the point that best friends mum said she is just happy about their relationship and mine with her daughter as they will always have another adult to talk to. My kids have other adults around them.

We are in a lockdown. He is working tomorrow in the office for a few hours whilst I’m doing one of the exams, my house is small enough that I can hear in the rooms. Serin I mentioned he went into older DDs room at the start last year to hide the laptop which I put a stop to as soon as I realised that. So no he doesn’t go into their rooms unless we are all in one of the bigger rooms and call him in for whatever reason if we want to share something with him or as I said when he had to rid of a spider. But that is where I mentioned the anal behaviour it’s like because he does not go into their room he always question and go on and on about their screen time. Because he cannot just hide their stuff anymore as I put a stop to it. The OurPact app I had way before probably around 4 years now.

I never said I am making excuses for him I said I am reading the reality of all your posts and I’m taking note for me to make the right decision. But most importantly my kids bedroom doors are closed every night as they both sleep in dark rooms since babies and no he is not in there because I might be with whatever you call him a bully, a psycho but I do not believe I’m with someone sexually abusing my daughters. If so I will fucken kill him and go to jail that I can guarantee. He might be bloody whatever else he is but he hasn’t touched my kids sexually as my children talk to me daily, and yes I 100% believe they will tell me as I’ve raised them to be open about everything, hence why DD1 could tell me what comment DD2 made about him being a snitch for snitching on her. She knows I always always have her back.

The rest of the stuff I am dealing with and I will show him this thread as I said I am a talker I deal directly with everything. I do not keep my feelings for myself hence why I say we argue about the shit as I pull him up on it. I do not let shit fester as I need a healthy mind at all times hence I believe in talking and teaching my children to talk. Whether that is to pick up the phone to someone or walk out of a house to talk to a friend when lockdown isn’t in place. My friends know me.

iften my dad is also my 2 older siblings stepdad and they have an amazing relationship with him. My older sister chose him to walk her down the aisle. So I am fully aware of what a healthy step parenting relation should and can look like.

wearywithteens exactly what I said to him. Things will only get worse as both the girls are very social girls. My house was always full of friends growing up. Currently before lockdown we always had regular play dates as we are a big group of friends with all our kids of similar ages and year groups with regular adults only and sometimes including kids socials.

MrsHound my mind is with my kids please read the top of my post and explain to me if I fuck up to please you as an anonymous poster who kindly offered advised but now wants to demand I do as you say will you be supporting me going forward.

Improprierty yes we have been on quite a few holidays always either an AirBnB or apart hotels. He has always been great on holiday. Always making sure that the kids get to experience holidays like he did as a kid. And I have said to them that they need to bond as siblings especially since eldest DD is wanting to do more cooler things and her sister sometimes feeling left out. So I encourage positive behaviour. They have a kindness jar that they daily chose something out to do for each other. And they’ve been amazing about it. 7-7am was what they did for years. When DD1 was going towards age10 that increased plus with after school school stuff 7pm was way too early. Term time I said by 9 it’s upstairs in her room ideally trying to sleep or reading for a bit. Weekends it’s later. I try and give her that opportunity as her dad still sends them to bed at 8.

RussGellar I work in the dining room at my desk and DD2 at the dining table. He is in our room. DD1 in her bedroom with the door shut. So whatever you are hinting at I must be pretty stupid to allow him to sexually abuse my child in daylight with me in the house. I hope when your husband is upstairs and your DD perhaps in the same room you don’t have the same mind. This is not me making bloody excuses but you are suggesting I’m in my bloody house for 2 months and my child is being sexually abused under my nose on top of the fact that she’s so happy and bubbly is all pretend. He is doing bloody weird shit with their toothbrushes and the likes as mentioned but he is not messing with my kids. That I can guarantee each and everyone of you. He had 2 long relationships with me. One abroad due to his work that ended he moved back and dated someone whose still friends with mutual friends. Work sent them different ways and relationship slowly ended and mutual decision. I know who she is. Never met in person. And yes I did all my research. Hence the comment that up until the last months of us living together these things have slowly cropped up. He never had kids and nieces live in different country so no young kids other then the ones I mentioned before but live miles away.

fruitbrewhaha as said at the start I typed really quickly as I was pissed off at the time. My DD1 is a clean & neat freak. Everyone knows that since baby. She never ate herself as never wanted to be dirty. She’s currently in lockdown and at times just wanted to “but why can’t I stay in my pjs or onesie etc” because the sun is out and neighbours can see you. So they’ll dress and do stuff. But when weather is not that great it’s been an opportunity to laze about. Again not something she can do at her dads as they are still woken up at 7:30. For me it’s their house and like some of us who sometimes just don’t want to deal with it all why can’t children. They are younger going through so much more but it’s always about the adults and their needs and feelings. Sorry about the sometimes wording but it was trying to give an example. English is not my first language so my grammar is awful for the bets of times.

Luminous not sure where you got 10:30 it’s way before that time. They will be long asleep by that time during term time. I never said I refused to discipline I just said to him a few whispers will end shortly as they’ll quickly fall asleep. Unless you grew up in a boarding school with a strict matron why in heavens name should my 2 DDs who have a lot of similar interests not have a little whisper in bed.

heatherro I have addressed it and said my kids are not being sexually abused. For a few times not wanting to shower during lockdown does not mean my child is trying to stink him out. Perhaps she’s getting into some kids series and that is what she loves watching that is why she’s up a little later. I never once said the girls are trying to avoid him. Some of the posters really are jumping to their own conclusions. I’m a grown woman that can deal with a grown ass man. I explained time and again how it got to this point. And yes say whatever else you guys have said and I actually will agree with some of the comments but to suggest my kids are being sexually abused in broad daylight by their him when I am the one at home all the time now and during term time as a student. I am Uni whilst they are at school. But because he goes to bed which pisses me off for other reasons he is now a sexual predator.

impropriety I can still run it through with family abroad or friends here we are all in lockdown anyway so it’s all just a call away.

ArthurandJessie it’s a real shame your grandma didn’t put you first. I have come here for advice and I’ve been given advise as as usual some of you expect miracles to happen for your own entertainment on the same fucken night that someone is already questioning shit. Just because your grandmother couldn’t put you first doesn’t mean I’m not doing my kids.

For those who are saying about moving men into your homes. So what about all of you who are 2nd family kids. I’m the eldest child of my mum and dad and she had 2 of her own and several with my dad. My marriage ended when i really wanted a 3rd child and was young enough to have one but never would have had one for the sake of it. He was open to have one but we mutually made a decision that we really do not need to add another child to the existing 2. We have a good social circle and my studies will be finished soon meaning better work opportunities. I believed in marriage and got married before my kids. My husband fucked up and that ideal is no more. Why should I not be allowed to have another relationship or potential marriage. In fact I told him before perhaps if his mum remarried he would not been so anal and see things from a different perspective. But she never did and hence they became spoilt kids. But that’s my opinion personally which I’ve voiced to him already.

My bathroom has a lock that is always used. He has never ever walked accidentally into bathroom or room when they were half dressed or even in. In fact he is the one that is quite strict about knocking a door before entering. So if he had those tendencies would he be quite strict about them knocking and insisting he is not their dad hence never sharing a room even if accommodation costs us a bomb.

I need each and everyone to take note I am fully aware what most of you said and the aspects of the psycho shit he does to “test” or catch them out I will be dealing with but my explanations in this post and previous is not me defending him but telling you he is not sexually abusing my children. He will have been kicked out at 2am with the police locking him up if that was the case. I will not be kicking him out but will have him locked up. So try and twist my words going forward and expect me to make choices at 2am in the morning whilst you are lying in your warm bed.

And you wonder why a lot parents commit suicide it’s support like some of these.

No, suicide is caused by severe mental illness, but never mind.