Is he Anal or am I in the wrong

[IsHeAnal]

Can someone just please tell me if I’m be unreasonable when I tell my partner that he is playing mind games with my girls. This is written in a rush after yet another incident so I’m a bit peed off right now. It’s long and sorry for all mistakes and grammar.

We’ve been together since end 2016. Moved in together end 2018. He moved to my area and we moved into a new place.
He is brilliant with the girls. He never had any children himself. I don’t drive so all after school activities etc that’s not within walking distance he takes and drops them. He treat them. Surprised them this Xmas with one of their favourite music artists (might be cancelled) but just to give you an idea that he does a lot for them.

Now my biggest biggest issue is what I personally call “anal” behaviour. The girls are 12 and 9. From all my friends near and friends who I know who doesn’t live near us my girls go to bed early. Always has either screen time on their iPads or on DD1s phone. If behaviour isn’t good I can just say to them “put your phone downstairs until you behave better etc”. They might be annoyed but they don’t question my choices. My 9 year old is a little like me and will ask me if I’m the boss of her etc or why am I on my phone before reluctantly putting hers down.

I’m now going to list what he does that annoy the hell out of me.

1. He will hide 9 year olds iPad to test if she will come and hug me in the morning because she “loves” me or because she wants the iPad.
2. He used to go into DD1s room to hide her laptop as DD1 tend to give her laptop for DD2 to play minecraft. So when he is at work and DD1 needs to do work on laptop we can’t find it. I lost my shit about that so that is the only thing that stopped. And similar he hides DD1s iPad for same reason. But still always come and moan at me that she’s on it when he walks past there bedroom.
3. He will come and tell me every single time if DD2 is on her iPad or on her sisters gadgets. Every single time. I’ve got screen time on from 9am to 6pm and sometimes extend it depending on if she’s been doing other stuff all day and not been on her iPad. But even though it’s available to use all day she’s limited to 2hrs app time. So if she’s been 2hrs non stop on there she cannot continue on it unless she asks me.
4. Brushing of teeth: every single night after I’ve kissed them whether they’ve come downstairs or I’ve gone up and told them get ready for bed i.e. pjs on and teeth. He will shout up brush your teeth. He will then pretend to go to the toilet to go and feel if their toothbrushes are wet. And go on and on if one of the girls happened to not have done it.
5. He now also during lockdown go in every morning and put their toothbrushes in a particular position to see if they’ve moved it. If it hasn’t moved it proofs that they haven’t yet again brush their teeth. And use it against them for something. Every bloody time. Most of the time the girls are currently especially during lockdown in their onesies. So yes tend to forget stuff like brushing their teeth as they tend to have breakfast after JoeWicks and then start school work at 10.
6. He is constantly onto DD1 about showering. It’s lockdown. Most of the time she finds excuses right now. My thinking is she will struggle and she’ll stink if she doesn’t shower so she’s old enough to know better. He is constantly making note of when she had a shower. So I flipped last week and said what if she starts her period (she hasn’t yet) will you also be on and aware of it all the time. I would have hated that if I was her age.
7. DD2 is working downstairs as she’s only 9 and DD1 in her own room. Every now and then he will come downstairs and if DD2 is doing anything remotely that doesn’t look school work related he will make comments and reference to it or “questioning” if we are actually doing school work.
8. Bed time: for years my girls slept 7pm to 7am. Until I started to feel sorry for them as I know their friends sleep later. 2 years ago that was extended to 8pm. Now I personally don’t mind if it’s 8:30 to 9 during term time for DD2 and 9-10 for DD1. Its lockdown so I honestly would not have been all that bothered. But whether it’s normal school days or weekends or holidays he is constantly moaning about bed time. Saying he needs his alone time and chill out time. He goes to bed at 9:15. So most evenings I’m there on my own. I have always been the type of parent who had a 7-7 bedtime routine but flexible with my girls as youngsters so if we were heading to a playgroup or meeting a friend and they fell asleep on their way I’d still go as they’ll sleep in pushchair or they’d fall asleep on their way home but I could always lift them out of pushchair and put them asleep into their cot with no make ups. Their dad was a massive asshole but my girls were very good babies/children.
9. He hates it when the girls come in for cuddles in the morning as he doesn’t believe kids belong in their parents bedroom let alone if he isn’t there. But will quite happily like a photo of my friend who has 3 kids and her partner who has 2 kids and her having all 5 on her bed.

Please tell me that I have every reason to lose my shit. My biggest worry is my eldest is almost a teenager and she’s going to have friends in and out of our house or want to stay up even later. The girls love him and id hate for them to be older and resent him when he does such a lot for them. But they’d end up resenting him as he behaves like a snitch. Every single time when they are doing stuff that’s very small he runs to me. Every every time. So AIBU to tell him to just bloody stop it and enjoy this age and stage the girls are at as they really are not difficult kids. Please help!

I’m very concerned that something sinister is going on here. Unless you’re seriously lax with your parenting, your children are dirty and not brushing their teeth every day and addicted to their screens there is something very wrong about this dynamic.

At best, he’s controlling and enjoys getting them into trouble with you as he wants to drive a wedge between you and them, maybe he’s jealous of them?

At worst, he’s abusing them, I rarely would say something like this, but there’s so many alarms ringing about his behaviour I can’t ignore it. The main things that stand out to me, could be explained in isolation, but all together come across honestly as he’s abusing them.

-He’s obsessed with their hygiene and how often your 12 year old showers (are they avoiding showering and brushing teeth in an attempt to make him leave them alone as clearly he is big on hygiene?)

• He is trying to drive a wedge between you and them, and seems jealous of the love they have for you (hiding iPad to prove your daughter doesn’t cuddle you because she loves you)

-He is insistent they go to bed early and have a strict routine, while also going to bed extremely early himself and you’re downstairs alone (is he abusing them during this time?)

-He is very against them being in your bed with you even when he’s not there

-He’s sneaking around in their rooms hiding their things

All these things in isolation could potentially be explained as poor behaviour, but a misguided attempt at trying to parent them as their step dad. However, all together seem to me like the actions of an abuser, whether that’s sexual abuse or controlling abuse, I would urge you to please speak to your daughters alone and protect them from this man, as unless you’re a piss poor parent this behaviour is abusive.

1. He hates it when the girls come in for cuddles in the morning as he doesn’t believe kids belong in their parents bedroom let alone if he isn’t there.

Really? He begrudges your own children ( not his) giving you a hug in your bedroom? What right does he have to decide?
I’m a bloke. Seriously, this sounds likes he’s very controlling and weird. Protect your children. Get out of this now. If not for you then them.This isn’t a healthy environment to bring up children. You don’t have to put up with this.

Sorry, haven't RTFT (yet) because my LTB is based on just one thing; those little 'tricks' and 'tests' to catch them out. I hope you realize that he's actually doing it hoping to catch them out. He wants that 'ah-HA' moment so he can feel 'righteous' and superior. That would be enough for me to kick him out right there. It's insidious and controlling, and they probably don't even realize he's doing it.

Hell with screen time length, hell with bedtimes. Kick him out because he thinks it's OK to try to 'frame' someone and catch them in 'wrongdoing' to make himself feel good.

Hes a controlling bully. And it gives me the creeps. I would be concerned about abuse.
How can you have a man in your home treating your daughters like this?

No, there's red flags going up with every point you've made. He's not controlling you, he's controlling your young daughters... that is seriously worrying. Also trying to test their relationship with you, their mother, their safe person. Why? How does that benefit him? I wouldn't like to guess. Get him away from them. Your girls deserve better than this. This is on the verge of grooming. My maternal instinct was activated reading this. Get this man away from your girls.

@SodaSloth Living with the Enemy?

Jesus woman I'd have killed him by now. Get rid. Nothing 'giid' he does compensates for the controlling bullying behaviour. Nothing. Your poor girls

weird creepy sinister:(

@thenightsky It's "Sleeping with the Enemy" Creepy film!

Oh god he sounds awful. Truly awful. Your children are growing up. He isn't going to let them grow and blossom. He wants to stifle and squash them so they stay little children.

Get them away from him.

You appear to be ignoring the elephant in the room OP. I'm wondering if that's because you deep down fear that his obsession with your young daughters could be sexually motivated and you don't want to acknowledge it.

I’m beginning to wonder if this is a wind up.

This thread has disturbed me more than anything I've read on here for a long time. OP you are responsible for your girls and you need to protect them. You've been their mother for far longer than you've been with this predatory idiot. Take action now.

I’ve never been more baffled by a thread.

Basically I agree with this:
He's trying to act like a parent by enforcing a routine. But he can't because he isn't the parent so he tells you, hoping you will. Except you don't and moan about him telling tales to you. Of course he's going to tell you, you're supposed to be the one in charge

People frothing over the toothbrushes I do not get. Op sounds lax as fuck - if I was the dh i’d be majorly pissed off at the leisurely attitude to something so important.

I stand over my 10 and 12 year olds frequently whilst they brush their teeth. Both dh and I have also checked toothbrushes are wet and whether the toothbrushes have been moved because for some reason they’ll both do anything to ‘forget’ to brush their teeth. I’ve lost my shit with them both in the past over not brushing or lying that they have when I know they haven’t. It’s bloody IMPORTANT that’s why! And making sure their basic hygiene needs are met is called parenting.

Maybe if you don’t care about your kids teeth or have children that always brush without prompting you won’t get it. But if you happen to have older toothbrush-avoiders it’s INCREDIBLY frustrating and yes, you do find yourself setting ‘traps’ when you suspect they’re lying.

I hope it it is a wind up and that 2 young girls are not living with a creep while their mother wrings her hands on mumsnet

I'm thinking along similar lines Lola.

A lot of the things he's doing are not age appropriate. You might need to shout "brush your teeth" when they're aged 4 but not 9.
He sounds like he's struggling to get his head round how capable your daughters are as they mature.
Is there something in your bedroom he is uncomfortable in them finding? Is that why he does not like them being in there - incase they follow his lead and root through his things?
I would have been heartbroken if any family member mistrusted me to look through my things to take my laptop etc at age 12. Huge violation of privacy, or does he not see them as independent humans?
Maybe get him a pet to train, in a new house, in a new country far far away from your daughters.

They’re your children, not his.
You need to take responsibility and step up to the plate. You need to make this decision for them. End this now before he does any more damage.
I’d be horrified it another man treat my child like this. Really, I would.

Colom I understand. I believe I am a good parent. If I have to reference you some of my threads you wouldn’t know what I’ve been through. I’ve known him for 4 years. Dated him 2 years before moving us moving in together. By then he met my friends, family etc. Not a single sign of any of this. When it slowly started the reasons were that he never had children so he is getting used to living with him 85% of the time and it will just getting used to. Some of these annoyance then got to where we are now. So sorry if I couldn’t have a magic wand to foresee that he would be like this similar to how I couldn’t see that their dad was a massive asshole, drugged up etc and not giving 2 flying monkeys about him. Nothing about my partner ever showed any signs of this. I did the freedom program.

Ciunasbotharcailinbainne
That was his explanation for some of it. He is working still from home upstairs and goes into office once a week as he legally cannot use our home printer for example. But some of these has been before lockdown hence the therapy session before. And the reason you mention of finding his place in the family is why I’ve always tried to support and discuss things and also why I was willing to support him with therapy to see if we could both air our thoughts with someone independent as our friends consists mostly out of my friends and I thought it be wrong to have a biased opinion on it. But it’s been less that 18 months. But has known them for around 4 years.

PogoBop honestly he has but my head is so full of all the other responses that I feel like I’ve failed my children.

fruitbrewhaha please read my responses again. My 9 year old doesn’t have a phone. My 12 year old DD in high school has a phone. In fact I have another phone I’m due to sell and my 9 year old didn’t even ask for one as she knows she’s not old enough.
I said she had an old iPad that she has 2 hour screen time on per day which she can use between 9am and 6pm currently or during term time over the weekend. But if she’s been outside all day like we’ve had great weather and we’ve had dinner etc and she has some downtime and asked me id allow her some time after 6pm by either setting extra time on her iPad or use the OurPact app which I can also remotely block at any time. Show me a child that has so little screen time when they have an iPad or Xbox. They are hardly ever of the Xbox. At times she’s played Minecraft with her sister on the sisters laptop. Again I said currently in lock down on the days that it’s been rubbish like today they’ve stayed in pjs. You’ve not done that. I take it you are also from the people that has a strict home schooling routine freaking hours kids out. My children are coping well under this lockdown as I’m helping the 9 year old and they can have garden time in the tent outside in nice weather or den building inside in rubbish weather as I’ve kept other things sane for their sake. I bought up DDs period after he yet again mention her shower and as a mum with a child at that age who has had under arm hair since age 7 I’m expecting it soon I just got pissed off at him and it made me think what if she does start her period any day. What then. They respect him. He has never been told not to parent when he acts as a parent in the house but I personally feel there are limits.
So yes they shower, brush their teeth and 9 year old does not have a phone it is his way of double checking and placing their toothbrushes in a certain at that is bloody weird. And my daughter doesn’t stink. She is very very on top of being clean and tidy, her room is the tidiest in the house as well as her friends as their mums have mentioned that their DDs rooms are only ever clean when she has had a play date.

crochetandshit it’s always a car share with 3-4 other children so it’s once a month for a certain activity and once a month example for other activity. Some the kids walk to but needs collecting due to finishing time and every parent gets a turn.

Just to point out that DD1 now goes to bed a little later as she has asked to watch some series and is very much awake when I go up to tell her to switch off and he most of the time is asleep. I’ve had the chat numerous times with my girls and they know I’m open for everything.

Qwerty the examples you gave has been at the weekend when it’s before 9pm, as I said they are 12 and 9. I probably would have been a little more relaxed about it as they are not kids that are causing mayhem. They get in very well with each other. I didn’t say they are allowed to not wash due to lockdown. It’s been 2 months. I’ve had onesie day today like I’ve had before and will have shower before bedtime example. We have pj days. Your kids never experienced relax days during lockdown. Does that make me a shit parent for allowing them to just relax like I sometimes want to. When I read online about other kids waking up much later. They still wake up and do their school work on time. Just sometimes they still have their pjs on. Also he makes side remarks to them in front of me. I’ve never stopped him and told him. It’s the weirdness of what he does that freaks me out. And yes I corrected the op and said I mentioned it not him. I never painted him as a perv and I sure as hell would rip his balls of myself if he ever got near to either my DDs in that way.

cochineal yes he does. Without outing myself I hurt myself really badly before lockdown so cannot get on a bike etc. He has been religiously taking them out on it. Sometimes they go and run with me as I restarted recently and goes for massive long rides. On his short rides he takes them and sometimes have to walk all the way back as younger DD fell off and refuse to cycle back. So he walks all the way back with t(e one and go back out with older DD for a proper cycle. He also taught younger DD to ride a bike and them both to dive and snorkel. He encouraged oldest DD in her sports and will discuss with me when she was down after a particular sport she’s taken up (was team sport and she wasn’t at the same level as team mates and were very down) and advised about what could work for her which we tried and she excels at even though she only started in September for the 1st time.

I'm concerned, given everything you have said, that you are downstairs whilst he and your dds are upstairs every night. He sounds unhealthily interested in them. Please check this out

@LuminousAmber This is about more than dental hygiene. OP 'might' be lax but this man is not their father and he's creeping around in their rooms and keeping tabs on things that are not his responsibility. He's testing their affection for their mother. Its downright messed up.

Imagine thinking sisters whispering in bed At 9pm is so naughty he can’t concentrate on spending some time with his partner. What’s he going to do when she’s 14 and staying up later than him? Freak out and have a breakdown?

This is sending shivers down my spine. None of this quite sits right and if you’re honest, it really doesn’t with you or you wouldn’t have posted about it here. Listen to your gut. Get your daughters away from this man.

Sounds now like he is looking for a Dad of the Year medal, and that their compliance is his marque of success. That reflects poorly on him, and I wonder is he trying to one-up you. How does he act when he is ‘right’? Is he smug? Is he trying to better you? What were his own parents like?

Please note I’ve read every single post and I’m taking note. I’m going to sign off for tonight as I have 3 Uni exams from tomorrow and will respond by the end of the week.

And to make it clear he does not and cannot ever tell me what to do as everyone who knows me knows I would not allow it. I genuinely do not put up with shit. There was not a single sign of anything like this and when some of it reared it’s head after moving in the explanation was that he getting used to living with children, etc. I thought it was fair to give him an opportunity to see how it goes and when I made it quite clear to him I will not tolerate the therapy session was suggested. We attended our first consultation and was due to go for weekly ones but then lockdown happened.

My ex was not abusive towards my kids per se but he was drugged up, sex lines, affairs, etc. I had no one here in thus country and got rid. So I’m not afraid to get rid. I genuinely tried to work out if it was anal behaviour, or if it’s me who is not allowing him to get used to it. I can honestly tell you should I decide to show him this thread so that he can see what I meant he will be devastated that he was perceived like that. I have asked him if he had was ever diagnosed with OCD or the likes he just said no. But he isn’t a talker even in therapy. He eventually did speak but it doesn’t come natural. Again I’m not making excuses for him.

This has been a massive revelation all of these replies so I will take the time over the week and take it from there,, right now my mind needs to be with my 3 x 3hr exams starting tomorrow.