Is he Anal or am I in the wrong

[IsHeAnal]

Can someone just please tell me if I’m be unreasonable when I tell my partner that he is playing mind games with my girls. This is written in a rush after yet another incident so I’m a bit peed off right now. It’s long and sorry for all mistakes and grammar.

We’ve been together since end 2016. Moved in together end 2018. He moved to my area and we moved into a new place.
He is brilliant with the girls. He never had any children himself. I don’t drive so all after school activities etc that’s not within walking distance he takes and drops them. He treat them. Surprised them this Xmas with one of their favourite music artists (might be cancelled) but just to give you an idea that he does a lot for them.

Now my biggest biggest issue is what I personally call “anal” behaviour. The girls are 12 and 9. From all my friends near and friends who I know who doesn’t live near us my girls go to bed early. Always has either screen time on their iPads or on DD1s phone. If behaviour isn’t good I can just say to them “put your phone downstairs until you behave better etc”. They might be annoyed but they don’t question my choices. My 9 year old is a little like me and will ask me if I’m the boss of her etc or why am I on my phone before reluctantly putting hers down.

I’m now going to list what he does that annoy the hell out of me.

1. He will hide 9 year olds iPad to test if she will come and hug me in the morning because she “loves” me or because she wants the iPad.
2. He used to go into DD1s room to hide her laptop as DD1 tend to give her laptop for DD2 to play minecraft. So when he is at work and DD1 needs to do work on laptop we can’t find it. I lost my shit about that so that is the only thing that stopped. And similar he hides DD1s iPad for same reason. But still always come and moan at me that she’s on it when he walks past there bedroom.
3. He will come and tell me every single time if DD2 is on her iPad or on her sisters gadgets. Every single time. I’ve got screen time on from 9am to 6pm and sometimes extend it depending on if she’s been doing other stuff all day and not been on her iPad. But even though it’s available to use all day she’s limited to 2hrs app time. So if she’s been 2hrs non stop on there she cannot continue on it unless she asks me.
4. Brushing of teeth: every single night after I’ve kissed them whether they’ve come downstairs or I’ve gone up and told them get ready for bed i.e. pjs on and teeth. He will shout up brush your teeth. He will then pretend to go to the toilet to go and feel if their toothbrushes are wet. And go on and on if one of the girls happened to not have done it.
5. He now also during lockdown go in every morning and put their toothbrushes in a particular position to see if they’ve moved it. If it hasn’t moved it proofs that they haven’t yet again brush their teeth. And use it against them for something. Every bloody time. Most of the time the girls are currently especially during lockdown in their onesies. So yes tend to forget stuff like brushing their teeth as they tend to have breakfast after JoeWicks and then start school work at 10.
6. He is constantly onto DD1 about showering. It’s lockdown. Most of the time she finds excuses right now. My thinking is she will struggle and she’ll stink if she doesn’t shower so she’s old enough to know better. He is constantly making note of when she had a shower. So I flipped last week and said what if she starts her period (she hasn’t yet) will you also be on and aware of it all the time. I would have hated that if I was her age.
7. DD2 is working downstairs as she’s only 9 and DD1 in her own room. Every now and then he will come downstairs and if DD2 is doing anything remotely that doesn’t look school work related he will make comments and reference to it or “questioning” if we are actually doing school work.
8. Bed time: for years my girls slept 7pm to 7am. Until I started to feel sorry for them as I know their friends sleep later. 2 years ago that was extended to 8pm. Now I personally don’t mind if it’s 8:30 to 9 during term time for DD2 and 9-10 for DD1. Its lockdown so I honestly would not have been all that bothered. But whether it’s normal school days or weekends or holidays he is constantly moaning about bed time. Saying he needs his alone time and chill out time. He goes to bed at 9:15. So most evenings I’m there on my own. I have always been the type of parent who had a 7-7 bedtime routine but flexible with my girls as youngsters so if we were heading to a playgroup or meeting a friend and they fell asleep on their way I’d still go as they’ll sleep in pushchair or they’d fall asleep on their way home but I could always lift them out of pushchair and put them asleep into their cot with no make ups. Their dad was a massive asshole but my girls were very good babies/children.
9. He hates it when the girls come in for cuddles in the morning as he doesn’t believe kids belong in their parents bedroom let alone if he isn’t there. But will quite happily like a photo of my friend who has 3 kids and her partner who has 2 kids and her having all 5 on her bed.

Please tell me that I have every reason to lose my shit. My biggest worry is my eldest is almost a teenager and she’s going to have friends in and out of our house or want to stay up even later. The girls love him and id hate for them to be older and resent him when he does such a lot for them. But they’d end up resenting him as he behaves like a snitch. Every single time when they are doing stuff that’s very small he runs to me. Every every time. So AIBU to tell him to just bloody stop it and enjoy this age and stage the girls are at as they really are not difficult kids. Please help!

Sounds very creepy to me and I wouldn't be putting up with that. As hard as it might be to walk away and be on your own, your kids deserve better than that.

You answered all the questions people asked but are you just not accepting what you already know (you need out) or do you honestly believe those excuses?

OP I hope your exam has gone well today and wish you all the luck in the world for your future.

Please ignore the few poster's nasty comments. I do not think of you in that way at all.

I think you are listening to your unease and discomfort and questioning 'Why?' and that makes you a good mother not a bad one. I myself am very grateful you came here to ask for advice because it does mean you are looking out for your daughters.

I did not mean to frighten you with my earlier post but the similarities in behaviour of your DP and my SF are chilling. I am also not saying that he is definitely a paedophile but the fact that my own experience mirrors that of other posters here is valuable information that I am now glad I, and other posters, have shared with you and possibly the wider MN community. Someone else may be reading this and think 'Hang on..' If it helps even one person see possible reasons for things that have been niggling at them then I am glad I had the courage to post.

A few other things I am going to flag up. Trigger Warning again

An interest in your DD's dirty laundry both clothes and bedding.

Reactions when the girls have friends round. Intrusive pushing in to be involved or very grumpy moodiness (possibly due to them having support/someone to confide in).

Eagerness to take one or both all over the place. Damage can be done with words. 'Your Mum is cross with you.' 'Your sister is fed up with you.' 'Your friend is no good for you. I'll be your friend.'

Buying things, especially Wow! things, no matter how small. If it's something they really want it's something that can be held over them. I see you mentioned the favourite pop star tickets for Christmas, who is taking them to that? 'I bought you this! Why aren't you nice to me? Come sit with me and we'll talk.'

Overbearing comments on prettiness, loveliness, growing up. Mentions of future boyfriends. 'When you're a big girl and have a boyfriend..' can become 'You're nearly a big girl now..'

Check the cam on your DD's laptop. Does he have a laptop up there with him? Who does your DD communicate with on the laptop? It's not unheard of for friends/boyfriends online turning out to be predators known to the family. After all they have insider information on how to more easily get closer to their target.

Stopping there as getting a bit angry now but I wish you all the best OP and I hope you feel able to come back here. I know there is some difficult reading but part of the problem with CSA is that most people turn away from discussing the methods, how the child feels at the time, and the results of how these monsters get access to their victims and their families. If these words help even just one child then it is worth writing them.

@purplespottedpony you are wonderful and one of the many reasons I love MN

Can someone just please tell me if I’m be unreasonable when I tell my partner that he is playing mind games with my girls. This is written in a rush after yet another incident so I’m a bit peed off right now

If you feel like your partner is playing mind games with your children that's a deal breaker.

If you tell him his behaviour towards your children is unacceptable and you have yet another incident that's a deal breaker.

When your well behaved lovely daughters who can tell you everything start openly looking resentful and complain about him "snitching" then that's a deal breaker.

He likes to pick on your "failings" yet he leaves mess for you to clear up (and presumably you do skivvy after him). Deal breaker.

He tells you you are parenting badly despite your children being well behaved lovely children. He then does frankly weird parentish type things, yet not what a parent would ever actually do. You telling him to back off is ignored. Deal breaker.

On top of all those deal breakers you have several people telling you that this behaviour strongly reminds them of how their family was groomed in the run up to sexual abuse starting.

That's a pretty big pile of deal breakers sitting there in your lap even if he is not grooming you and the girls to accept, ignore, deny and excuse some kind of abusive behaviour.

Why haven't the deal breakers broken it yet?

So many amazingly brave posts here.

Please, please get him out OP.

Thank you to everyone for the kind words after my earlier post And I'm sending the most powerful strength thoughts I can to everyone

Why haven't the deal breakers broken it yet?

Because for some women, any man is better than no man. No matter what her children feel about it.

Or maybe she is just coming round to the fact that they are deal breakers and no amount of nice presents and taxi service is adequate compensation.

Realising you are the proverbial boiled frog is usually a process not an event.

She's got the worries. She's not sure if she's over reacting because well there's all the good stuff too and he has been telling her it is them not him in the wrong and it sounds kind of plausible when you look at each incident on its own. She posts on MN.

We all say, holy fuck woman, you are the boiled frog, get out of the pot!

Recognising abusive behaviour and acting to end it is usually a process not an event.

Abusive and controlling men like to keep your attention diverted onto other things, always stressed, so it is extra hard to spot.

@TorkTorkBam agreed, totally. This must be a total headfuck for @IsHeAnal I just hope she comes back for support

That's an unfair comment LovingLola. OP has a lot of information to process and also has a lot going on in life. Whatever is going on she has to think through it all and work out how to proceed.

Perhaps her partner told her firmly to stay well away after she had shown him the thread.

No. I absolutely would not allow this.

Perhaps her partner told her firmly to stay well away after she had shown him the thread.

I have a horrible feeling this is true, despite numerous posters begging her not to show him. The fact she thought that would be a good idea and even suggested it is incredibly worrying and shows such poor judgement.

@BackseatCookers I really hope not, I absolutely agree that it would demonstrate terrible judgement on OPs behalf and would prove the extent of his grooming. I hope OP is reading if not posting and is taking it in

Reading your op gave me chills. This man is seriously creepy and no way would I have a man like this around my children. Its your job to protect them, so do the right thing and get this weirdo out your house.

Op I’m so sorry you haven’t come back on here. I think you need help. You think you can tell him to fuck off, but perhaps, in the cold light of day, you can’t.
Hope you get some of your friends in real life to support you in leaving him.

He's pissed off the girls are in bed together. Does he want them separate? That's a fucking enormous red flag to me.

Inkpaperstars
Exactly and well said. She does now know his behaviour matches that of abusers. His behaviour already appears emotionally abusive. If he goes on to abuse her children sexually, she will know she refused to take action to prevent it.

Even if he is not being intentionally abusive right now, it doesn’t make his behaviour any less abusive. Abuse is still abuse. Most abuse is unintentional.

I so wish after you'd done your exams today you'd come back to this thread OP. I posted earlier that I believed from your PPs you are an intelligent, strong woman with drive, and that if you focused that intelligence inwards, you'd be able to better analyse what's going on.

I thought you'd come back straight away once your exams were done. I thought you'd understand about the tremendous costs the women on this thread have borne for your children and you, repeating stories and details of childhood sex abuse ...remembering and reliving details so that some will then have lain awake last night. They've dredged the darkest details up and repeated them for you and for your children, so some other godawful bastard man can't get into a position of power over innocent girls, without them speaking out.

I don't know how you could have not come back after your exams today, given the first few hundred replies, and what they almost unanimously told you.... now it's up to nearly 500, surely, surely you'll listen? Surely your next replies won't be a long list of justifications for the stuff you yourself have flagged up...

This is a bad man and you need to protect your kids and get off your high horse about how you're not a bad mother. Please. For your girls. And yes, FFS of course it would be a mistake to show him this thread.... This should all be about your children.

If I were you I'd be focusing on making their lives the way they were before you let him in.

I don't know how you could have not come back after your exams today, given the first few hundred replies

Now nearly 500 when the first 100 were saying the same thing.
I wouldn't come back either. The further 400 comments were not necessary.

Christ, sexual abuse is always the mother’s fault isn't it? Fuck sake. These replies. So nasty.

Can people just remember that this is an internet forum. Feel free to share what you want. But you have no right to expect an op to update you.
It isn't fucking Eastenders

My advice would be to hide small cameras in their room, especially DD1 as she seems to be his target and focus of the negative attention.
Even if nothing sexually motivated is going on then you can at least see how often he is going into their room and/or touching their things.

It’s incredibly weird and having worked with the survivors of sexual and domestic abuse then I would suggest these behaviours are the precursor to much more sinister and extreme behaviour to come.

It is honestly like a script, the obsession with your DD’s hygiene being the biggest red flag!!

Please protect them.

With regards to the hidden camera, you can purchase them from amazon or eBay for as little as £20. However, I would suggest if it’s got to this stage already I would just leave him.

Please put your children first

I have a fair bit of experience working in child protection....

Please, please... At the least, phone the nspcc for advice.... You can do this anonymously... Tell them wha tyou told us in your post...

This has red flags all over it... It is EXACTLY what men do when they're escalating grooming... Preparing the ground... (the fox/chicken analogy is dead on!).

Covering up their grooming under the pretext of 'step parenting'... (as an aside us he has interested in their other habits as their bathing habits?).

He is also grooming you I believe.....

You say you've been with him a couple of years.... Did you do ANY checks in him before you moved him into your daughters lives?

Do do a police check... (think is now called Sarah's law?).... They can also check not only if there is a criminal record relating to sex abuse... But ALSO if there is any intelligence.... Have other worried mums called to check.....

You must do this as a minimum.

How would you feel if you discovered he HAD sexually abused your daughters??

Isn't avoiding that worth these calls??

Don't confront him on this...
He'll deny it.

Speak to Nspcc /police (the child protection team).....

They are usually very good with advice in what to do.....

Please protect your kids from this man

Can’t stop thinking about this and I’m really worried about the OP. She must be scared to death and quite rightly. Just hope she’s ok and I really hope she didn’t show him this thread