Is he Anal or am I in the wrong

[IsHeAnal]

Can someone just please tell me if I’m be unreasonable when I tell my partner that he is playing mind games with my girls. This is written in a rush after yet another incident so I’m a bit peed off right now. It’s long and sorry for all mistakes and grammar.

We’ve been together since end 2016. Moved in together end 2018. He moved to my area and we moved into a new place.
He is brilliant with the girls. He never had any children himself. I don’t drive so all after school activities etc that’s not within walking distance he takes and drops them. He treat them. Surprised them this Xmas with one of their favourite music artists (might be cancelled) but just to give you an idea that he does a lot for them.

Now my biggest biggest issue is what I personally call “anal” behaviour. The girls are 12 and 9. From all my friends near and friends who I know who doesn’t live near us my girls go to bed early. Always has either screen time on their iPads or on DD1s phone. If behaviour isn’t good I can just say to them “put your phone downstairs until you behave better etc”. They might be annoyed but they don’t question my choices. My 9 year old is a little like me and will ask me if I’m the boss of her etc or why am I on my phone before reluctantly putting hers down.

I’m now going to list what he does that annoy the hell out of me.

1. He will hide 9 year olds iPad to test if she will come and hug me in the morning because she “loves” me or because she wants the iPad.
2. He used to go into DD1s room to hide her laptop as DD1 tend to give her laptop for DD2 to play minecraft. So when he is at work and DD1 needs to do work on laptop we can’t find it. I lost my shit about that so that is the only thing that stopped. And similar he hides DD1s iPad for same reason. But still always come and moan at me that she’s on it when he walks past there bedroom.
3. He will come and tell me every single time if DD2 is on her iPad or on her sisters gadgets. Every single time. I’ve got screen time on from 9am to 6pm and sometimes extend it depending on if she’s been doing other stuff all day and not been on her iPad. But even though it’s available to use all day she’s limited to 2hrs app time. So if she’s been 2hrs non stop on there she cannot continue on it unless she asks me.
4. Brushing of teeth: every single night after I’ve kissed them whether they’ve come downstairs or I’ve gone up and told them get ready for bed i.e. pjs on and teeth. He will shout up brush your teeth. He will then pretend to go to the toilet to go and feel if their toothbrushes are wet. And go on and on if one of the girls happened to not have done it.
5. He now also during lockdown go in every morning and put their toothbrushes in a particular position to see if they’ve moved it. If it hasn’t moved it proofs that they haven’t yet again brush their teeth. And use it against them for something. Every bloody time. Most of the time the girls are currently especially during lockdown in their onesies. So yes tend to forget stuff like brushing their teeth as they tend to have breakfast after JoeWicks and then start school work at 10.
6. He is constantly onto DD1 about showering. It’s lockdown. Most of the time she finds excuses right now. My thinking is she will struggle and she’ll stink if she doesn’t shower so she’s old enough to know better. He is constantly making note of when she had a shower. So I flipped last week and said what if she starts her period (she hasn’t yet) will you also be on and aware of it all the time. I would have hated that if I was her age.
7. DD2 is working downstairs as she’s only 9 and DD1 in her own room. Every now and then he will come downstairs and if DD2 is doing anything remotely that doesn’t look school work related he will make comments and reference to it or “questioning” if we are actually doing school work.
8. Bed time: for years my girls slept 7pm to 7am. Until I started to feel sorry for them as I know their friends sleep later. 2 years ago that was extended to 8pm. Now I personally don’t mind if it’s 8:30 to 9 during term time for DD2 and 9-10 for DD1. Its lockdown so I honestly would not have been all that bothered. But whether it’s normal school days or weekends or holidays he is constantly moaning about bed time. Saying he needs his alone time and chill out time. He goes to bed at 9:15. So most evenings I’m there on my own. I have always been the type of parent who had a 7-7 bedtime routine but flexible with my girls as youngsters so if we were heading to a playgroup or meeting a friend and they fell asleep on their way I’d still go as they’ll sleep in pushchair or they’d fall asleep on their way home but I could always lift them out of pushchair and put them asleep into their cot with no make ups. Their dad was a massive asshole but my girls were very good babies/children.
9. He hates it when the girls come in for cuddles in the morning as he doesn’t believe kids belong in their parents bedroom let alone if he isn’t there. But will quite happily like a photo of my friend who has 3 kids and her partner who has 2 kids and her having all 5 on her bed.

Please tell me that I have every reason to lose my shit. My biggest worry is my eldest is almost a teenager and she’s going to have friends in and out of our house or want to stay up even later. The girls love him and id hate for them to be older and resent him when he does such a lot for them. But they’d end up resenting him as he behaves like a snitch. Every single time when they are doing stuff that’s very small he runs to me. Every every time. So AIBU to tell him to just bloody stop it and enjoy this age and stage the girls are at as they really are not difficult kids. Please help!

@Sunshineandflipflops

As for the rest, I don’t agree that he is clearly a child abuser

What then do you think of all the posters who have bravely shared their heartbreaking stories which explain why his specific actions are a massive red flag? I would be very wary of being so dismissive about the possibility, especially if you have no experience of this (and I hope you don't, obviously!).

I'm just worried that OP will latch onto comments like this because it's what she wants to hear, the experiences of abused women should not be brushed aside. Obviously none of us can be 100% sure but for the sake of those girls I would be inclined to err on the side of caution here.

At the very least he is a fucking awful stepdad and is making their home an uncomfortable and insecure place to be, he should be chucked out for that alone

I feel very sorry for your children. I usually think people are OTT on these boards but really not in this case. it is utterly bizarre behavior at BEST, at worst v v sinister indeed.

Also aside from anything else, if you need counselling only a few years into a relationship- when it should still be in the honeymoon phase then it is doomed to failure so I don't understand why you would put your children through this for a relationship that isn't working as it is

@CaptainAthena

I just think branding a potentially innocent man a child abuser is wrong. Yes, he could be and the stories from some of the posters on here are awful, but equally he could not be and that is a very strong accusation to make.

As I said, at the least I think his behaviour is potentially damaging mentally to the children.

It's the word anal that upset me most.

Nimawyn might have said it - maybe your 12 year old doesn't want to shower as she wants to put him off. To be unattractive.

Destroyed you deserve more than flowers. And your daughter. 😞

And every single one else here who has been attacked in this way.

There is no defence against straight abuse. Gaslighting, playing off mother against child. Isolating. Attacking

OP I really hope you do come back here. My question is still the same:

Why are you with him? What is the value in the relationship with him?

Because I feel you need to open your perspective. Open your eyes. It's also abusive to you, for you to hear bad stuff said about your (totally innocent, normal) kids a

Please come back. And listen. Because the real point of MN is to give you the benefit of not only the support of others, but the advantage of their experience. And the lessons that they have, devastatingly, learned the hard way. Which they are sharing here with you. To help and possibly save you and your children. These voices are here for you. Please hear them out.

This man is a tell tale, a manipulator and devious. He is trying to put a wedge between you and your daughters.

Regardless of whether or not he is a sexual abuser, his behaviour is setting your dds up to allow sexual abuse. A handful of sa have come on to tell you this. Please listen.

I hope to god he hasn’t touched your dds. But if he has and you didn’t see it, this doesn’t make you a bad mother, it makes you manipulated and fooled.

What will make you a bad mother is if you stand by now and do nothing and let their boundaries be eroded. Then later you discover sexual abuse.

And fgs do NOT show this man the thread. It reads like a text book for abusers on how to cover your tracks. Moreover if he is in fact a sexual predator he will get off on reading the accounts of the brave women, who’ve taken the time to share the confidences with you for the benefit of your children.

To make it clear @IsHeAnal I’m not jumping straight to sexual predator - a lot of posters however are telling you that his behaviour is very unusual and must be or will eventually be unbearable for your DD’s - whether they proclaim love for him or not - it’s really unusual obsessive behaviour at best.

I’m not usually one to say “I asked my DH and he thinks” - but I showed him your post and offered no comment on how I felt reading it... his immediate response was this -

“If we ever split and you got a boyfriend who tried to do this with our DC - I’d get them out in a heartbeat.” He couldn’t explain why he didn’t like what he read properly but it made him uncomfortable too. So I just wanted to add this in case somebody thinks we’re (as in the posters on this thread) all paranoid women overreacting!

Oops sorry a handful of sa women have come on to tell you this.

Destroyed

omg Destroyed I just read your latest comment. Oh how to speak or comfort you. Really my heart goes out to you both. I hope he was shown no mercy. And remember that the purest spirit really really cannot be touched. There is a moment where the body is only that, and the self inside it is still intact and not touched.

I'm so sorry. Can't say how much. So you understand more than most what it is to be fooled, and the horror of what could happen.

💐

I wonder if we'll hear anymore from the OP

And for those brave enough to share your stories, flowers are not enough, I respect you all very deeply

Ponchek he is still walking free. I can't say too much as dd is now a mum and uses this forum for advice.

But thank you so much x

He sounds completely over the top and bit paranoid I think - like he’s constantly expecting your DDs to do the wrong thing and he thinks he’s incredibly clever by catching them out somehow. It’s a bit weird and obsessive. It sounds like he secretly wants them to do the wrong thing so he can say ‘ha, gotcha!’ Really strange.

@Lockdownsnackathon I'm so sorry that anybody has been or does go through the same. It ruins lives:

My intention was not to upset or disturb anyone but to point out the similarities and realities of grooming and the way abusers divide families for their own purposes

And that applies whether this guy is or intends to be sexually abusive or "only" emotionally/mentally abusive.

@terrelontane really? What are they teaching in the safeguarding courses? What's missing from them? I'm glad what I said was useful.

Yes we had early bedtimes too, forgot that.

Yes also to being skilled and confident enough to abuse even while in a room with other adults present. A LOT of it is subtle, momentary, blink and you'll miss it - that doesn't mean it didn't happen!

@PurpleSpottedPony again I am so sorry you've also been through this I am so moved that you thanked me there was really no need: I just hate the thought of ops dds even POTENTIALLY going through even a little of what we did:

@Clymene thank you, but to be clear he was my biological father.

What’s most frightening is how similar all of these posts are both to each other’s and to the OPs. it's really weird! I know there's internet now but where and how do they learn to do this?

@SoloJazz I'm so very sorry for what happened to you:

Abused kids are often very well behaved as they don't want to draw attention to themselves, I was a "good girl" as I did all I could to avoid his attention or give him an excuse to punish or touch me.

@Changedfor thank you for being so brave as to post that, and thank you for immediately believing your child - something my mother continues to fail at. I'm so very sorry for all your family have been through.

@Whataloadofshite I'm so sorry for your experience too.

Jesus there's too damn many of us!!

@BitOfANameChange sadly it sounds like you got out just before he would have moved on to sexually abusing, a very difficult thought I know but at least you did get out. Hope you're all safe and well and happy now

My dad wouldn't let my mum have the puberty talk with me, did it just the 2 of us, this was about 3 years before the abuse definitively started. At the time I knew no different, now I see how seriously fucked up it all was!

Another reason abused kids avoid showering/bathing is you're extremely vulnerable when you are. Not only undressed but wet and easily able to slip and not easily able to quickly hold a door shut. I started being a keen swimmer so I could be "I'll shower at the pool"

and what started it was her getting a boyfriend. My dad completely lost it when I got my first boyfriend, tried to stop me seeing him, said. He was a bad lot, his temper/mood got much worse and mum bore the brunt of that. Tried to claim my grades were slipping etc (they definitely didn't)

@Destroyedpeople another, feels trite but it really isn't. I'm so sorry and I hope you and your child get the help and support you need to survive this:

Smart abusers know they have cover their tracks and make themselves seem like the most unlikely suspect

Exactly what I thought reading those parts!
He's making a huge song and dance about how UN paedo like he is

I have several friends who have amazing stepdads who not only didn't "accidentally" inappropriately enter their rooms/bathroom when they were in there they also never made a big show of this - that's normal ime

He sounds like a parent. There's always this weird line on here about whether they should be involved or not.

I actually think he is just strict and if he is going to be like a dad then he has a right here. I don't think any of it is bad except 9 is a bit odd.

A 'right'... ? Wtaf? Even real parents don't have 'rights'.

@inshocks have you even read the full thread?

He would have been out on his ear a long time ago.
No man aside of my husband ( my children's father ) would be getting involved with my children, much less giving them orders etc.
Before long they will hate him and potentially hate you for allowing it.
When they're teenagers they will potentially rebel against you and your man.
Do your daughter's a huge favour and give him the boot.

Two things stand out to me

So instead of now me dealing with them for not having brushed their teeth it becomes an argument between me and him as I find that disturbing.
So you have told him to stop. He persists to the extent that you are posting on MN.

But I am starting to hear the resentment when I have a go at them mainly because he has annoyed me by yet again moaning about something they did or didn’t do so I then lose my shit to put it mildly.
You already told him to butt out multiple times. So why are you losing your shit at the girls. You should be losing your shit at him for doing it AGAIN and making a point of doing nothing to them.

You told him to stop. He keeps doing it. Your spidey senses are alerting you to something being off. You posted on MN. We agree with you. Something is badly off here.

MAKE him stop. You do that by asking him to leave. How much of a problem would that be for you?

Destroyed so glad she's a mum 🙂

I think the OP has disappeared. Maybe too much raw truth. But I still feel there must be a reason she hasn't challenged him.

Makes me want to cry for everyone here.

Maybe she's just cramming for her next exam.

I hope she passes.

I hope the pass makes her feel stronger.

I hope the qualifications make her realise she is more than a man's girlfriend. She does not have to keep him.

Noone else has mentioned it but she says he does all the creepy checking, testing, snitching and probably lying yet he is a messy fucker who expects everyone to tidy up after him. Get to fuck mate.

OP did say she would post again sometime later this week as she has exams to get through.

I hope that in a few years you can look back and be proud that you got your daughters out of this unscathed because you had a gut feeling something was terribly wrong, posted for advice and got tons and tons of warnings and advice from people who have been around men with these sort of characteristics and have had your eyes well and truly opened.

I hope to god that you don’t ignore all this advice and in years to come look back to this point in time where you are being told... and it’s pretty unanimous, the risk you would be taking by allowing him to stay.

Please please get him as far away from your innocent kids. I am so worried for them

He sounds controlling, bordering on obsessively & creepily so. He's going to kill any affection they have for him. Its your home, not a prison with him as officer & your girls following his dictates like robots. Now they're coming to teenage years you need a serious chat to learn about respecting their privacy & boundaries IMO. Also, is he modelling the parenting he had,? Get him to think about where this need for surveillance & control stems from & how he'd feel if under that regime.