Is he Anal or am I in the wrong

[IsHeAnal]

Can someone just please tell me if I’m be unreasonable when I tell my partner that he is playing mind games with my girls. This is written in a rush after yet another incident so I’m a bit peed off right now. It’s long and sorry for all mistakes and grammar.

We’ve been together since end 2016. Moved in together end 2018. He moved to my area and we moved into a new place.
He is brilliant with the girls. He never had any children himself. I don’t drive so all after school activities etc that’s not within walking distance he takes and drops them. He treat them. Surprised them this Xmas with one of their favourite music artists (might be cancelled) but just to give you an idea that he does a lot for them.

Now my biggest biggest issue is what I personally call “anal” behaviour. The girls are 12 and 9. From all my friends near and friends who I know who doesn’t live near us my girls go to bed early. Always has either screen time on their iPads or on DD1s phone. If behaviour isn’t good I can just say to them “put your phone downstairs until you behave better etc”. They might be annoyed but they don’t question my choices. My 9 year old is a little like me and will ask me if I’m the boss of her etc or why am I on my phone before reluctantly putting hers down.

I’m now going to list what he does that annoy the hell out of me.

1. He will hide 9 year olds iPad to test if she will come and hug me in the morning because she “loves” me or because she wants the iPad.
2. He used to go into DD1s room to hide her laptop as DD1 tend to give her laptop for DD2 to play minecraft. So when he is at work and DD1 needs to do work on laptop we can’t find it. I lost my shit about that so that is the only thing that stopped. And similar he hides DD1s iPad for same reason. But still always come and moan at me that she’s on it when he walks past there bedroom.
3. He will come and tell me every single time if DD2 is on her iPad or on her sisters gadgets. Every single time. I’ve got screen time on from 9am to 6pm and sometimes extend it depending on if she’s been doing other stuff all day and not been on her iPad. But even though it’s available to use all day she’s limited to 2hrs app time. So if she’s been 2hrs non stop on there she cannot continue on it unless she asks me.
4. Brushing of teeth: every single night after I’ve kissed them whether they’ve come downstairs or I’ve gone up and told them get ready for bed i.e. pjs on and teeth. He will shout up brush your teeth. He will then pretend to go to the toilet to go and feel if their toothbrushes are wet. And go on and on if one of the girls happened to not have done it.
5. He now also during lockdown go in every morning and put their toothbrushes in a particular position to see if they’ve moved it. If it hasn’t moved it proofs that they haven’t yet again brush their teeth. And use it against them for something. Every bloody time. Most of the time the girls are currently especially during lockdown in their onesies. So yes tend to forget stuff like brushing their teeth as they tend to have breakfast after JoeWicks and then start school work at 10.
6. He is constantly onto DD1 about showering. It’s lockdown. Most of the time she finds excuses right now. My thinking is she will struggle and she’ll stink if she doesn’t shower so she’s old enough to know better. He is constantly making note of when she had a shower. So I flipped last week and said what if she starts her period (she hasn’t yet) will you also be on and aware of it all the time. I would have hated that if I was her age.
7. DD2 is working downstairs as she’s only 9 and DD1 in her own room. Every now and then he will come downstairs and if DD2 is doing anything remotely that doesn’t look school work related he will make comments and reference to it or “questioning” if we are actually doing school work.
8. Bed time: for years my girls slept 7pm to 7am. Until I started to feel sorry for them as I know their friends sleep later. 2 years ago that was extended to 8pm. Now I personally don’t mind if it’s 8:30 to 9 during term time for DD2 and 9-10 for DD1. Its lockdown so I honestly would not have been all that bothered. But whether it’s normal school days or weekends or holidays he is constantly moaning about bed time. Saying he needs his alone time and chill out time. He goes to bed at 9:15. So most evenings I’m there on my own. I have always been the type of parent who had a 7-7 bedtime routine but flexible with my girls as youngsters so if we were heading to a playgroup or meeting a friend and they fell asleep on their way I’d still go as they’ll sleep in pushchair or they’d fall asleep on their way home but I could always lift them out of pushchair and put them asleep into their cot with no make ups. Their dad was a massive asshole but my girls were very good babies/children.
9. He hates it when the girls come in for cuddles in the morning as he doesn’t believe kids belong in their parents bedroom let alone if he isn’t there. But will quite happily like a photo of my friend who has 3 kids and her partner who has 2 kids and her having all 5 on her bed.

Please tell me that I have every reason to lose my shit. My biggest worry is my eldest is almost a teenager and she’s going to have friends in and out of our house or want to stay up even later. The girls love him and id hate for them to be older and resent him when he does such a lot for them. But they’d end up resenting him as he behaves like a snitch. Every single time when they are doing stuff that’s very small he runs to me. Every every time. So AIBU to tell him to just bloody stop it and enjoy this age and stage the girls are at as they really are not difficult kids. Please help!

I think there are enough people saying it, but yes, his behaviour is strange , disturbing and unhealthy, it’s like he’s spying on them and there’s elements of control there. It’s making me feel uncomfortable just thinking about it. I’d want my kids to be away from there ASAP.

This rings serious alarm bells with me too. My friend confided in me about her sexual abuse and so many of those things are mentioned. Obsession with her showering schedule, hypervigelence about locks and reminding people he wasn't her dad. Separating her from her mother by snitching. Setting up excuses in advance, so when he was caught going into her room, he had heard them talking, like they always did. Eagerly seizing a hobby that could involve physical contact and time alone with a child, learning to ride a bike was his too. Going to bed early and having his office upstairs. It didn't just jump to sexual abuse, it was years of grooming and what started it was her getting a boyfriend. She thinks in his sick mind he then saw her as old enough.

Her mother said they had a close relationship but she never told her because he said she would make her mother miserable as she was happy with him and he would tell her the daughter made it up in retaliation for him telling her off all of the time. Besides, by then my friend had seen her mother explain away other things he had done and she knew she would put him first.

Even if this isn't the case, his behavior is not acceptable. You know this isn't okay, which is why you posted. You aren't ready to consider other more sinister things here like grooming. But what you must remember is it isn't just the girls and boys of bad parents who are abused. It happens in many different types of homes across the world. The thing is a lot of this abuse starts gradually, as with any type. By the time it properly kicks off, their behavior has become the norm and the family is entangled.

FWIW I would be saying the same thing if this man was her actual father too. The behavior is just not normal but like any abuse, parts of it can be dismissed as concern or caring, which is why it is so difficult to extract yourself from a relationship with any type of abuser.

I have read the whole thread and have gone from
Abusive and Controlling Twat
Maybe just weird
Sexual Predator

And with the brave posters who have shared their stories, it is all the things together that paint the picture. HE IS GROOMING you all, to control maybe to abuse. I don't know, but everything together in the situation is so off, so queasy you must act.

This thread is all kinds of fucked up. OP has a bloke living with her and her DDs who at the very best is a manipulative, emotionally abusive controlling wanker, but if that wasn’t enough he’s displaying all sorts of paedo like red flags. Who the fuck would be hanging around to find out whether he’s really a nice bloke or not?

He isn't trying to catch them out...
Would be considering his motives..

Making sure dc brush their teeth and shower regularly.
Fine but he isn't their dad and shouldn't be checking their toothbrushes.

Expecting dc to be quiet after bedtime, not whispering and in each other’s beds.
Oh come on, you never did that with your siblings?

Wanting a regular bedtime routing for dc so you can have some adult only time in the evening.
He shouldn't go to bed at fucking 9.15 if he wants adult only time

Being concerned about screen time and keeping a younger dc off older dcs devices by moving them.
Not his kids, not his place.

telling the kids to crack on with school work if they’re not doing what they should.
Not his loss, not his place.
Not wanting kids in your bed first thing - also completely normal and something lots of parents have strict rules about.
But their mother doesn't mind them being there. So again, not his kids, not his place.

OP does not need to step up. He needs to step down and accept that this is the way she is parenting her kids. If he wants to parent kids in a certain way he needs to find a woman who is willing to have kids with him and agrees with his parenting style.

schoenes I don't know why you think that comment is helpful in anyway??

You just seem quite happy to really stick the boot in, and so far the OP has been coming back on to engage in the thread, but with nasty comments like that she may not.

Go be a keyboard warrior someplace else!

'I am becoming increasingly unhappy about some of your interactions with my daughters. From now on, you do not touch their toothbrushes, endlessly make mental notes on when they have showered or when they are in pyjamas - they are growing older and from right now I want you to BACK THE FUCK OUT of their personal grooming and anything to do with it. It's inappropriate and it stops now. Secondly, stop with the hiding things - I'll be the judge of my own daughters' interactions with me and I'm happy that theu love me very much, thanks. Thirdly, stop attempting to micromanage them in the million little ways you do. They can talk in bed if they want to. IT'S THEIR ROOM AND THEIR PERSONAL SPACE. Stop reporting on them for using the other's devices - it's petty. Stop having one eye over their shoulders on homework when they're doing a good job and are good kids. It's irritating, unnecesary and - as you always say - you are a stepfather, and most of all, some of the ways in which you seem to want to be right in there letting them know all day every day that YOU'RE around, and YOU'LL be watching them - it's inappropriate. I've had enough of it, and as they get older it only makes me feel more uncomfortable with the way you end up interacting with them.'

A mother who doesn't take any shit - all the shit YOU have listed, in detail, which is happening right now and every day to YOUR kids in YOUR house -she would have no problem saying this.

This.

The fact that OP has not actually and simply addressed these massive invasions of boundaries is actually more worrying than the creepy behaviour of her partner. OP, you really need to wake up.

The fact that OP has not actually and simply addressed these massive invasions of boundaries is actually more worrying than the creepy behaviour of her partner.

I assume abusers and potential abusers often hide in plain sight and seem like they wouldn't or couldn't be abusers, and that is how they get away with it.

OP if I were you I would take very seriously the number of posters on here who see signs of grooming here, and threats to your girls in his behaviour patterns. His behaviour is bizarre and hard to make sense of any other way. You obviously are the one who is actually witnessing it, but better safe than sorry.

OP if you won't get him out right away, put your foot down as pp have suggested, make it clear you won't tolerate it and make it clear in front of the girls that all the little things he does are not ok. That they can and should complain to you about any of these things he is doing and that you will be on their side. Cut off his attempts to monitor, control, and undermine relationships. I thankfully have no experience of this so if anyone who does thinks that is unsafe hopefully they will say.

@IsHeAnal I don't understand why it has got to this level, the first time he "told tales" he should have been told to mind his own business, they are your children and you will parent them how you choose.

His actions are really creepy, his little "tests" is he testing who you love more by making you reprimand your girls on his say so?

Regardless of what he does for them or buys them this behaviour is not acceptable. He is not being supportive, he is undermining you, every time you give your girls a row because of his snitching you show the girls you are putting him above them. Your argument is with him, not them.

As for them sharing a bed and whispering in the evening, are you happy that they do that? If so his opinion doesn't matter, he can like it or lump it.

I don't think you are a lax parent, surely everyone needs time out just now and structure and routine relaxed a little, so much has changed for your girls in a short time, they have met your new partner, got back in touch with their dad, new partner moved in to their home, their relationship with you has changed, it's no longer just you and them, schools closed and activities stopped, their only constant in all of this is each other and if they want to spend nights together chatting what is the problem? They need down time, chats to process their day, they don't have their school friends to talk through their worries or thoughts each day.

You clearly had concerns things weren't right or you wouldn't have posted, don't ignore that niggle, there may not be sinister motives behind his behaviour but you know it isn't normal and lots of posters on here have shared their experiences and thoughts. You need to weigh up all the points and, if that niggle is still there, do something about it.

Frost1nMay Please do not try to excuse this atrocious behaviour.

Do you see my user name? This thread is making me cry . I am crying for these girls and their mother. I am crying for my daughter who will never be whole again after I let a predator into her house. He was manipulative and undermined my parenting. This happened ten years ago but has only come out this year. We had the kind of relationship where I thought she could tell me anything but she didn't. Please op just fuck him out.

2 days ago DD1 said to me that younger DD called him a snitch. And moaned to her about him. She’s the type of child that’s very black and white but mostly ignore everything around her unless it’s genuinely an issue.

So this is the first thing she's picked up on, which must be a 'genuine issue' for her.

What was your reply to your DD when you heard that? Did you defend him?

And I am crying for those who have shared their stories here

@Destroyedpeople

I hope that OP is coming round to the idea that this isn't anal behaviour, and start asking questioning her own beliefs because all the answers are right there in her posts.

Thank you cookers not that I deserve flowers. I only joined this forum to post in this thread. Every morning I wake up and it's still there.

Op I am married to a man who isn't my dd's df. If anything you have posted her was happening in my house with my dd's right now he would be long gone. My dd's don't see their df - never have - and they call dh dad at their suggestion when we got married. BUT he still doesn't think its appropriate to hand out rules /regs unless he is just reinforcing ones discussed and agreed together. He has never had my hairs on end like reading your thread has.
I understand that admitting all of us are correct in our concerns means you grasping that your judgement has been wrong op and that's a hard one to swallow.
But your dd's only get one childhood... You are imo putting them at great risk continuing this relationship.
If your dd's disclosed details to another adult or teacher I fear SS may be very interested in your family life...

To the people saying the exams and the money for fees aren't important - are you crazy? Of course they are important, this is what secures her future and her children's future.

The OP thought her partner's behaviour is a bit weird, but now many people - from personal experience have suggested that it is actually far worse than weird and every parents worst nightmare.

She needs time to process and examine her own thoughts. Give her time and support.

OP - Do not show him this thread. Good or bad, this is your place for support.

A lot of abusers are also very good at projecting an image of themselves where people couldn’t believe that they would abuse anyone. So him not wanting them in your bed, being strict about knocking before entering their rooms and the bathroom (despite you knowing he sneaks about in their rooms anyway) could be part of his “cover up” so you think as you are now, that if he was a child abuser he wouldn’t do these things as he would take every opportunity he could to be close to them or see them. Smart abusers know they have cover their tracks and make themselves seem like the most unlikely suspect, they go to painful lengths to hide their desires and activities, so you think there’s no way they would do something like that, that’s how they get away with it.

I haven’t read all of the replies but I just came on to say this:
Most 12 year olds don’t go to bed before 9, perhaps later. He’s in bed at 9.15. If he wants adult time, he needs to adjust his schedule

I’d love some tome on my own to chill
Too after my kids go to bed but the reality is that they are now 12 and 14 and pretty much go to bed at the same time as me (they go at 9.30/10 and I go at 10/10.30).

Going to bed at 9.15 is his choice so he can’t alter your girls bedtime to suit him!

As for the rest, I don’t agree that he is clearly a child abuser but the little things he is doing can all add up and build up and be potentially damaging for your children in the longer term.

OP this was uncomfortable to read.

He isn't just monitoring them - it's like he's trying to drive a wedge between you. To create a them and us... they're you're little girls and he's making out like they're liars... that shit with the ipad WTAF?!

He sounds unhinged at best and dangerous at worst. Get him out, trust your gut on this. Something is telling you that this is wrong, listen to whatever it is.