Is he Anal or am I in the wrong

[IsHeAnal]

Can someone just please tell me if I’m be unreasonable when I tell my partner that he is playing mind games with my girls. This is written in a rush after yet another incident so I’m a bit peed off right now. It’s long and sorry for all mistakes and grammar.

We’ve been together since end 2016. Moved in together end 2018. He moved to my area and we moved into a new place.
He is brilliant with the girls. He never had any children himself. I don’t drive so all after school activities etc that’s not within walking distance he takes and drops them. He treat them. Surprised them this Xmas with one of their favourite music artists (might be cancelled) but just to give you an idea that he does a lot for them.

Now my biggest biggest issue is what I personally call “anal” behaviour. The girls are 12 and 9. From all my friends near and friends who I know who doesn’t live near us my girls go to bed early. Always has either screen time on their iPads or on DD1s phone. If behaviour isn’t good I can just say to them “put your phone downstairs until you behave better etc”. They might be annoyed but they don’t question my choices. My 9 year old is a little like me and will ask me if I’m the boss of her etc or why am I on my phone before reluctantly putting hers down.

I’m now going to list what he does that annoy the hell out of me.

1. He will hide 9 year olds iPad to test if she will come and hug me in the morning because she “loves” me or because she wants the iPad.
2. He used to go into DD1s room to hide her laptop as DD1 tend to give her laptop for DD2 to play minecraft. So when he is at work and DD1 needs to do work on laptop we can’t find it. I lost my shit about that so that is the only thing that stopped. And similar he hides DD1s iPad for same reason. But still always come and moan at me that she’s on it when he walks past there bedroom.
3. He will come and tell me every single time if DD2 is on her iPad or on her sisters gadgets. Every single time. I’ve got screen time on from 9am to 6pm and sometimes extend it depending on if she’s been doing other stuff all day and not been on her iPad. But even though it’s available to use all day she’s limited to 2hrs app time. So if she’s been 2hrs non stop on there she cannot continue on it unless she asks me.
4. Brushing of teeth: every single night after I’ve kissed them whether they’ve come downstairs or I’ve gone up and told them get ready for bed i.e. pjs on and teeth. He will shout up brush your teeth. He will then pretend to go to the toilet to go and feel if their toothbrushes are wet. And go on and on if one of the girls happened to not have done it.
5. He now also during lockdown go in every morning and put their toothbrushes in a particular position to see if they’ve moved it. If it hasn’t moved it proofs that they haven’t yet again brush their teeth. And use it against them for something. Every bloody time. Most of the time the girls are currently especially during lockdown in their onesies. So yes tend to forget stuff like brushing their teeth as they tend to have breakfast after JoeWicks and then start school work at 10.
6. He is constantly onto DD1 about showering. It’s lockdown. Most of the time she finds excuses right now. My thinking is she will struggle and she’ll stink if she doesn’t shower so she’s old enough to know better. He is constantly making note of when she had a shower. So I flipped last week and said what if she starts her period (she hasn’t yet) will you also be on and aware of it all the time. I would have hated that if I was her age.
7. DD2 is working downstairs as she’s only 9 and DD1 in her own room. Every now and then he will come downstairs and if DD2 is doing anything remotely that doesn’t look school work related he will make comments and reference to it or “questioning” if we are actually doing school work.
8. Bed time: for years my girls slept 7pm to 7am. Until I started to feel sorry for them as I know their friends sleep later. 2 years ago that was extended to 8pm. Now I personally don’t mind if it’s 8:30 to 9 during term time for DD2 and 9-10 for DD1. Its lockdown so I honestly would not have been all that bothered. But whether it’s normal school days or weekends or holidays he is constantly moaning about bed time. Saying he needs his alone time and chill out time. He goes to bed at 9:15. So most evenings I’m there on my own. I have always been the type of parent who had a 7-7 bedtime routine but flexible with my girls as youngsters so if we were heading to a playgroup or meeting a friend and they fell asleep on their way I’d still go as they’ll sleep in pushchair or they’d fall asleep on their way home but I could always lift them out of pushchair and put them asleep into their cot with no make ups. Their dad was a massive asshole but my girls were very good babies/children.
9. He hates it when the girls come in for cuddles in the morning as he doesn’t believe kids belong in their parents bedroom let alone if he isn’t there. But will quite happily like a photo of my friend who has 3 kids and her partner who has 2 kids and her having all 5 on her bed.

Please tell me that I have every reason to lose my shit. My biggest worry is my eldest is almost a teenager and she’s going to have friends in and out of our house or want to stay up even later. The girls love him and id hate for them to be older and resent him when he does such a lot for them. But they’d end up resenting him as he behaves like a snitch. Every single time when they are doing stuff that’s very small he runs to me. Every every time. So AIBU to tell him to just bloody stop it and enjoy this age and stage the girls are at as they really are not difficult kids. Please help!

Wowsers if my partner did one of those things to my children, he'd be out on his ear. My mother allowed her husband to treat us this way. Now none of us have any contact with either of them. She chose where her loyalty lay.

OP, your flat and downright denial that your partner could ever be an abuser, despite the controlling and strange behaviour, is worrying.

Abusers groom. They do not just groom their victims. They groom anybody they need to in order to make it easier to have access to their victims.

Please, as someone who was horribly abused by a step-father just like this, PLEASE PLEASE leave/make him leave. PLEASE.

I cannot convey just how much it fucked my brother and I up for life. I have CPTSD and I'm very very mentally scarred. My brother almost killed himself by dealing with the trauma with drugs and alcohol. I didn't do that, I turned in on myself and started dying on the inside. I'm forty-three years old and still so very fucked up despite therapy.

OMG he makes me feel physically sick

Hope your exam went well OP.
I think his behaviour is odd and a bit controlling,this is what needs diffusing .
Also since he tells you of their misdeanors and you tell them off you are feeding into this.
When he's listening you need to talk to talk to your DDS about their dental hygiene,about what happens if they don't brush their teeth,then tell them it is their responsibility and their teeth.
Now he has no excuse for the toothbrush nonsense.
When my DD was 12 she had to be reminded to shower but honestly in lockdown it's not an issue.Believe me she will be in there for hours in a year or 2 so tell him that again that is her business as she becomes a teen.
So he can't snitch now about the heigene thing.
The screen time you've sorted so do nothing when he snitches about that.
See if he changes tack but take the stress out.
If he wants chilled time with you he has to stay up later as the children will be up later as they get older,their bed times sound reasonable to me.
I'm more thinking that he's not a parent but had ideas about parenting ,that he snitches to you because he is aware that you are the parent.The laptop hiding is wierder but has stopped,he now needs to leave the iPad alone,you know your kids love you and don't need proof.Have you asked him why he does it?
So I don't see the abuse flags as I think the OP is on top of this but he is anal.

Can someone just please tell me if I’m be unreasonable when I tell my partner that he is playing mind games with my girls.

He will hide 9 year olds iPad to test if she will come and hug me in the morning because she “loves” me or because she wants the iPad.

He used to go into DD1s room to hide her laptop as DD1 tend to give her laptop for DD2 to play minecraft.

He will then pretend to go to the toilet to go and feel if their toothbrushes are wet. And go on and on if one of the girls happened to not have done it.

And use it against them for something. Every bloody time.

He is constantly onto DD1 about showering.

He is constantly making note of when she had a shower.

These are your words OP.

You can backtrack all you want and get snarky with posters but these are your words.

Best case scenario he is a controlling bully who is overstepping boundaries and trying to catch your girls out constantly, setting them up to fail, "testing" their love for you (wtf!!!) and not listening to your requests for him to stop it.

I cannot understand how a clearly intelligent woman is being so wilfully blind to shitty behaviour directed towards her girls.

You say you always have their back but you're letting this behaviour go on. It doesn't matter that you say you're ballsy and tell him to stop. He hasn't stopped. So why is he still living there?

Your poor daughters. They should be able to feel safe in their own home without the constant threat of bollocking, snitching, watching and judging from their mums boyfriend.

Remember you a parent first and a partner second - prioritise them.

@Changedfor you are a wonderful mother, I hope you never doubt that for a minute! I'm so sorry for your daughter and I hope you are both healing

OP is not a good mother.

Op is being groomed as are her dd's...

My bathroom has a lock that is always used. He has never ever walked accidentally into bathroom or room when they were half dressed or even in. In fact he is the one that is quite strict about knocking a door before entering. So if he had those tendencies would he be quite strict about them knocking and insisting he is not their dad hence never sharing a room even if accommodation costs us a bomb.

Creepy as fuck. And grooming, grooming to high heaven.

Fuck I hate these threads! And what I hate MOST OF ALL about them is the way the OP first panics, then starts with the strutting-round chest-out declaiming how she 'doesnt take any shit' and 'if I thought there was the slightest chance he'd be in a ploce car at 2am blah blah' - just after recounting how she's said fuck all to a whole CATALOGUE of completely inappropriate behaviour and boundary pushing.

Ok, OP, if you 'genuinely do not put up with shit' - how about you sit your frankly creepy H down and say something along the lines of:

'I am becoming increasingly unhappy about some of your interactions with my daughters. From now on, you do not touch their toothbrushes, endlessly make mental notes on when they have showered or when they are in pyjamas - they are growing older and from right now I want you to BACK THE FUCK OUT of their personal grooming and anything to do with it. It's inappropriate and it stops now. Secondly, stop with the hiding things - I'll be the judge of my own daughters' interactions with me and I'm happy that theu love me very much, thanks. Thirdly, stop attempting to micromanage them in the million little ways you do. They can talk in bed if they want to. IT'S THEIR ROOM AND THEIR PERSONAL SPACE. Stop reporting on them for using the other's devices - it's petty. Stop having one eye over their shoulders on homework when they're doing a good job and are good kids. It's irritating, unnecesary and - as you always say - you are a stepfather, and most of all, some of the ways in which you seem to want to be right in there letting them know all day every day that YOU'RE around, and YOU'LL be watching them - it's inappropriate. I've had enough of it, and as they get older it only makes me feel more uncomfortable with the way you end up interacting with them.'

A mother who doesn't take any shit - all the shit YOU have listed, in detail, which is happening right now and every day to YOUR kids in YOUR house -she would have no problem saying this.

Oh and she would be making sure she had more than one eye on those times he goes to bed early. Very much so.

The showering thing.

That's the link. That's the thing that seems really oddly intrusive and hard to understand.

And that's the one thing pretty much all the abuse survivors on here have mentioned as being an obsession of their abusers as well.

OP. Get him out of there. Just get him out.

And if you want to test the water - tell him tonight that from now on, no interference please with the girls' behaviour, habits, screen time, bathing or any rules. And your daughters can come into your bed any time.

What reaction do you expect?

If he isn't an abuser or grooming, he's still horrible.

Get him out.

I mean jesus, even the one thing - 'He is constantly making note of when she has had a shower' - FUCKING HELL if my own DH had been like that with my DD when she was on the cusp of puberty I would be very, VERY unhappy with that and I would have made it fucking clear.

That alone is a massive, massive alarm bell. Put yourself in your DD's position. She isn't a baby. She's almost a teen. And she has a middle-aged man who is not related to her constantly commenting on her showering and her personal hygiene.

Put it in context with all the other boundary-pushing, mildly-inappropriate behaviour and I would be ... not calm about this.

His almost too insistent 'I'm not their father' coupled with seeming hypervigilance about things like locks and shared accommodation is also classic I'm afraid OP. It's the kind of thing people are referring to when they mean that he is grooming you too.

You will not be doing anything about this though, I think. Too much invested.

14:49Schoenes

OP is not a good mother.

I think this is harsh, as Windy and plenty of others have pointed out, predators are clever and they groom everyone. If they were transparent they would never get far enough to abuse. It's what the OP does next that will determine how good a parent she is, this must all be an awful lot to get her head around right now

OP, LTB.

I don't say this lightly, but he's showing the kind of red flags my ex did, and my ex is an abusive wazzock.

I left my ex after 30 years, and was broken, my DC both needed help for MH issues. I doubt your DC actually love him. Children will say they love the adults in their lives, because they are dependent on them.

If you leave (or get him to leave depending on the housing situation) I bet you'll get your DDs saying a lot more about him and not necessarily in a good way.

My DC told me a lot about what went on when I wasn't there, and it wasn't good. In particular, my DD told me he'd just walk into her room, often when she was changing clothes, and it made her feel very uneasy. He wouldn't let us put locks on the doors and refused to fix the bathroom lock. Yet he would be the first to complain if we went into the bathroom when he was in there.

Since we left, I've had proper, open talks with my DC, and both have assured me he never sexually abused them but that his behaviour towards DD had worried them.

This behaviour of his began to escalate as she got closer in age to the age I was when I met him (I was young and naive). I will never know if my ex did have a sexual interest in our DD. But she resembles me at that age, and I will never be able to discount it.

Re, and re-read the posts by people like Graphista and PurpleSpottedPony. They know what they are talking about.

And don't fool yourself into thinking you'd be able to spot any abuse. I've seen so many heartbreaking threads from people who said their parents ignored signs.

You posted here because you are uneasy about him, but what you really wanted was to be told nothing was wrong. You are already burying your head in the sand.

And abusive people don't show their hands immediately. It's often said that it takes about 2 years of living with someone before their true colours begin to show.

And those colours are showing now. He is grooming you all, and your subsequent posts are minimising his behaviour. And as part of his grooming, he is driving a wedge between you and your DDs. So, you'll be less likely to believe them if they do say something to you.

Don't show him the thread. I can guarantee he'll twist everything to make out you are the unreasonable one, and that he had only the best interests of you all at heart.

OP, your DDs need your protection, you actually sound like a good mum, so don't fail them now.

It is the showering, but it's in context with everything.

He enjoys being able to have some sort of power over them. It's not quite the same as the management and interest a parent has - there's something else about it. He is vaguely voyeuristic in all his interactions with them, basically. He likes pulling them up on things. Likes letting them know he is in a parental role, and can check and can watch - rather than just being a parent, if that makes sense?

This is of course what OP has picked up on, and why she posted, but she doesn't have the words for it - because she has all this seen through a completely different lens. But it is making her uncomfortable.

It's what the OP does next that will determine how good a parent she is, this must all be an awful lot to get her head around right now
CaptainAthena
She will not do anything. Her postings defending him sadly make that very obvious.

FizzyGreenWater After I wrote my post, I recalled that ex was very insistent about showers.

He also insisted on being part of the talks with my DD about periods, when she was going through puberty. His reasoning was that he wanted DD to know she could go to him if I wasn't around, but at the same time, he never actually asked me about what I was doing to make things ok for DD, had I got supplies in for her? etc. DD would never talk to him about it all, just me, said she couldn't talk to him about it all.

I know some dads are great, happy to treat it matter of factly and buy pads and chocolate, etc, but ex was.. too interested, I'd say.

Thank goodness we left.

at the weekend for example and they’ve gone to bed and we are sitting chatting downstairs but I would see that his mind is “upstairs” as the girls are whispering

This seems very hypocritical. He moans about them not going to bed early so that he doesn't get "alone time" or chillout time, yet when he does he spoils it by listening to try to catch them out, even when they're doing something utterly harmless. All he needs to do is close the door and stop listening, and he can relax as much as he wants.

@Schoenes I really hope you are wrong but I fear you might be right!

I think those being harsh on the OP should remember that this has probably hit her like a brick wall. Her head is probably spinning. She’s questioning everything she knows, wondering how she could have missed all these signs, doubting her own judgement, and panicking about whether this man has already abused her children. Her exams (which are actually important for both her and her children’s future) are also taking up a lot of her brain space- understandably. The timing for this realisation is bad. So yes, she has lots to process. She needs to make the right decisions for her children and sometimes that can’t be done in an instant. When she comes back to this thread is she’s likely to be more receptive to posts lambasting her or posts offering supportive advice? She needs support right now more than ever. Don’t let her be driven away from it.

I'm sorry but who the fuck does he think he is having any say!? Not his kids.

"He hates it when they come in for cuddles and doesn't believe kids should be in parents' room" well he can fuck off and live somewhere else then.

Sorry, I genuinely don't care how much someone does for my children, only me and their bio dad have any say in their upbringing and if my partner didn't like that then I wouldn't want them. He's been living with them for 2 years out of their entire lives and thinks he has a right to control their laptop time and make sure they bath enough? Ffs. This is genuinely why I don't think I could ever get with someone else while I still had kids, I couldn't stand seeing some man who barely knows them giving orders.

The fucking shit about showering is awful. It's known for kids being abused to not shower hoping it will put the abuser off.

So creepy. I also feel sick reading this.

Good luck with your exams OP and then get this man away from your children.

If you should separate don't make it about the girls, just say you felt you weren't getting on as well, or something between the two of you.