Is he Anal or am I in the wrong

[IsHeAnal]

Can someone just please tell me if I’m be unreasonable when I tell my partner that he is playing mind games with my girls. This is written in a rush after yet another incident so I’m a bit peed off right now. It’s long and sorry for all mistakes and grammar.

We’ve been together since end 2016. Moved in together end 2018. He moved to my area and we moved into a new place.
He is brilliant with the girls. He never had any children himself. I don’t drive so all after school activities etc that’s not within walking distance he takes and drops them. He treat them. Surprised them this Xmas with one of their favourite music artists (might be cancelled) but just to give you an idea that he does a lot for them.

Now my biggest biggest issue is what I personally call “anal” behaviour. The girls are 12 and 9. From all my friends near and friends who I know who doesn’t live near us my girls go to bed early. Always has either screen time on their iPads or on DD1s phone. If behaviour isn’t good I can just say to them “put your phone downstairs until you behave better etc”. They might be annoyed but they don’t question my choices. My 9 year old is a little like me and will ask me if I’m the boss of her etc or why am I on my phone before reluctantly putting hers down.

I’m now going to list what he does that annoy the hell out of me.

1. He will hide 9 year olds iPad to test if she will come and hug me in the morning because she “loves” me or because she wants the iPad.
2. He used to go into DD1s room to hide her laptop as DD1 tend to give her laptop for DD2 to play minecraft. So when he is at work and DD1 needs to do work on laptop we can’t find it. I lost my shit about that so that is the only thing that stopped. And similar he hides DD1s iPad for same reason. But still always come and moan at me that she’s on it when he walks past there bedroom.
3. He will come and tell me every single time if DD2 is on her iPad or on her sisters gadgets. Every single time. I’ve got screen time on from 9am to 6pm and sometimes extend it depending on if she’s been doing other stuff all day and not been on her iPad. But even though it’s available to use all day she’s limited to 2hrs app time. So if she’s been 2hrs non stop on there she cannot continue on it unless she asks me.
4. Brushing of teeth: every single night after I’ve kissed them whether they’ve come downstairs or I’ve gone up and told them get ready for bed i.e. pjs on and teeth. He will shout up brush your teeth. He will then pretend to go to the toilet to go and feel if their toothbrushes are wet. And go on and on if one of the girls happened to not have done it.
5. He now also during lockdown go in every morning and put their toothbrushes in a particular position to see if they’ve moved it. If it hasn’t moved it proofs that they haven’t yet again brush their teeth. And use it against them for something. Every bloody time. Most of the time the girls are currently especially during lockdown in their onesies. So yes tend to forget stuff like brushing their teeth as they tend to have breakfast after JoeWicks and then start school work at 10.
6. He is constantly onto DD1 about showering. It’s lockdown. Most of the time she finds excuses right now. My thinking is she will struggle and she’ll stink if she doesn’t shower so she’s old enough to know better. He is constantly making note of when she had a shower. So I flipped last week and said what if she starts her period (she hasn’t yet) will you also be on and aware of it all the time. I would have hated that if I was her age.
7. DD2 is working downstairs as she’s only 9 and DD1 in her own room. Every now and then he will come downstairs and if DD2 is doing anything remotely that doesn’t look school work related he will make comments and reference to it or “questioning” if we are actually doing school work.
8. Bed time: for years my girls slept 7pm to 7am. Until I started to feel sorry for them as I know their friends sleep later. 2 years ago that was extended to 8pm. Now I personally don’t mind if it’s 8:30 to 9 during term time for DD2 and 9-10 for DD1. Its lockdown so I honestly would not have been all that bothered. But whether it’s normal school days or weekends or holidays he is constantly moaning about bed time. Saying he needs his alone time and chill out time. He goes to bed at 9:15. So most evenings I’m there on my own. I have always been the type of parent who had a 7-7 bedtime routine but flexible with my girls as youngsters so if we were heading to a playgroup or meeting a friend and they fell asleep on their way I’d still go as they’ll sleep in pushchair or they’d fall asleep on their way home but I could always lift them out of pushchair and put them asleep into their cot with no make ups. Their dad was a massive asshole but my girls were very good babies/children.
9. He hates it when the girls come in for cuddles in the morning as he doesn’t believe kids belong in their parents bedroom let alone if he isn’t there. But will quite happily like a photo of my friend who has 3 kids and her partner who has 2 kids and her having all 5 on her bed.

Please tell me that I have every reason to lose my shit. My biggest worry is my eldest is almost a teenager and she’s going to have friends in and out of our house or want to stay up even later. The girls love him and id hate for them to be older and resent him when he does such a lot for them. But they’d end up resenting him as he behaves like a snitch. Every single time when they are doing stuff that’s very small he runs to me. Every every time. So AIBU to tell him to just bloody stop it and enjoy this age and stage the girls are at as they really are not difficult kids. Please help!

OP please please read all the posts from those who have experienced abuse like this. Read them as many times as it takes for it to sink in.

And definitely DO NOT SHOW HIM THIS THREAD

It’s actually a very worrying sign that you want to show him it. As if you feel you must defer to him on the matter. This isn’t a decision you can make with his input. Surely you can see that? He isn’t going to read the thread and say “oh yeah, they’re right, I am a creep”. You need to make this decision yourself. Please don’t show him. He’s very smart. He will use it to manipulate you further and probably as proof you shouldn’t use MN anymore. Maybe start hiding your phone on you.

This kind of thing does a number on you in so many ways, interferes with your ability to spot who is good and who is bad because you have been trained to let people exploit you, trained to allow yourself to be harmed by others.
You can never feel safe, your body never feel safe from attack, you constantly have to protect yourself, you end up not being able to trust anyone because of this early experience where you are coerced into letting someone to humiliate and exploit you
you know it's wrong you know that you've been tricked but you can't explain why and you feel as if it must be your fault because you willingly went along with it, you don't realise how carefully this person has gone about things.
Your radar is completely fucked forever :(

Something you said in your OP. You moved together into a new house. So is he now on the mortgage/lease? What will you do if you need to separate from him?

If you show him this thread you will lose any ability to post on here again.

I do not get the sense there is sexual intent here. This is certainly abusive control, plain and simple. Certain things you said were chilling to me. I was in an abusive relationship and he did a lot of things like this to my children. Stupid rules and little "traps" for them to fail, then complaining to me over and over and over and demanding I punish them. Hiding their stuff. Saying they had too much bath water in the bath, or they were in the shower too long (note: I was paying all the utilities so not an issue over cost). Making them share bath water. Providing (small) measurements for their breakfast cereal portions saying they were greedy. General mean portion control (to very skinny children, not because of weight issues but because they were "greedy"). Not allowing them in our room. Complaining that they interfered with "our" or his time and imposing early bedtimes. Doling out ridiculous punishments that were really a test for me - would I support him or defy him and say the punishment was too much? Abuse can manifest itself in many ways and one of those is abuse via the treatment of the children. Picking on one child over the others.
It is my greatest shame that I allowed this for so long.
LTB.

He seems obsessed with their hygiene, this doesn’t sit right with me. Like he WANTS them clean for him.
Also, by controlling screen time, hiding iPads, laptops and phones he’s limiting contact with friends and outside world.

This man is a whole reel of red flags OP. You need to protect you DD’s and LTB.

As for the advice to show him the thread, that will just let him know exactly what he needs to do in order to evade detection!

I certainly don't get the sense that his sexual interest is in his partner. Does he want her to come to bed early with him? No, he wants to re-watch old tv shows. And his attention is on two young women whispering upstairs in bed not on his partner sitting next to him on the sofa.

The OP is clearly a good parent, strong, intelligent and not naïve. Suddenly her partner is a paedophile because he makes sure that the kids brush their teeth, shower and restricts their screen time?!

Comments like this explain why time and again children who are abused aren’t protected, because the glaring warning signs are dismissed, explained away and aren’t acted on. The above comment is totally naive and ignores the bullying way he goes about things, the inappropriate invasion of personal space and the trying to drive a wedge between both OP and her daughters and between the 2 daughters. I really do not think people who are suggesting his behaviour is possible grooming/abuse are far fetched. This is EXACTLY how abusers work. They’re subtle, devious and clever and all too often the warning signs are minimised, ignored or explained away. They don’t come with a big flashing alert siren on their head.

Anyone saying people suggesting possible abuse are being far fetched should re read the heartbreaking posts on this thread by the posters who have actually been through this themselves (and those by posters who have had friends who have experienced similar). What’s most frightening is how similar all of these posts are both to each other’s and to the OPs.

I had a stepmother who was so jealous of me and did everything she could to show my father that she loved me but as soon as he was out of the door for work, the hell would start. In the beginning it was only emotional and verbal abuse but eventually it became physical too. It started when I was 9 and I told my father nothing about it as I didn't want to worry him!! Occasionally she would buy me something or be nice to me and I'd believe she is a nice person. I I though I just needed to try harder and everything will be great. It never worked. Once she made something up and told my father to punish me with a belt, he took me to a different room and did as he was told as he believed her. When I got older I started pushing back and all the hell broke loose. She would call me any name under the sun, told my father that I had sex with boys (I didn't). I tried talking to him and explaining what was happening but he wouldn't take my side. I eventually left when I started uni and never got in contact with him again. I was only a child, yet I tried to protect him by trying to deal with problems on my own. My childhood was hell and I'll never get another. I'm now 40 but will not forget those years. My point is children will not always tell they're being abused. No one would tell I was unhappy, I was a very smiley child. Also, abusers can occasionally be nice. By doing nothing my father scarred me for life and I needed a lot of therapy to be able to feel happy and trust people again.

Don't let this man ruin your daughters life for the sake of having a relationship with him.

@PurpleSpottedPony
I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through and your heartbreaking story. It was really brave of you to post.

I think this My alarm bells were dingling until I saw the 'he goes to bed at 9.15' post, then that dingling became nuclear alert level sirens. is completely true and what also really got my alarm bells ringing.

For anyone thinking they would know if their children were being abused- Abusers are SO clever. It really is never blatant- if it was they’d never get what they want. They are very smart and know exactly how to manipulate those around their victims so that they don’t suspect a thing. Gaining your trust is the very first thing they do. That’s their key. It’s the only reason they are able to get to your child. Your trust is what they use. So of course you don’t suspect anything! You trust them! But seriously- when you have all the facts as presented in the OPs situation you really need to drop all notions of trust or loyalty. All bets are off. You have to take action. The consequences if you don’t?

This is mad. The sneaking about trying to catch them out, they must feel on edge all the time in their own home, imagine if you could not be certain you could use your own things, and that they will be in the place you left them-because your step dad wanted to catch you out for stuff he has basically imagined . Creeping about the bathroom to check toothbrushes-this is mental, most parents just check in matter of fact honest way I think if a friend told you about this you would tell her that this is not normal. How can you relax when it seems you have a security guard, in your home, working against you.

I have already commented but didn’t want my real life experience connected to my usual username as this is not something I talk about on random Internet forums.
I was the Mother and you don’t always know. The realisation that something may have happened or has happened to your child and you didn’t know and didn’t protect them is crushing. I was married to my child’s abuser for 14 years and he was the father, we were a close knit if dull family and until the moment my child told me, I didn’t have the slightest inkling. I packed them up there and then and left, they never even saw him as we left that house and have never seen him since, he was convicted and will not be out of prison until they are adults.
I am very close to my children but it took a year for my child to tell me, a whole year this went on without me having a clue. Every person in our life was shocked, everyone kept saying they knew the child was not lying but at the same time could not believe he had done that either, nobody could equate the person they knew and loved with being a sexual abuser. Everyone did support the child but the shock and realisation that a person they knew and loved and committed such crimes took a long time for people to come to terms with.
Having gone over every detail of every interaction, obsessing over what I missed and how did it happen, the only that even stood out a little with hindsight is him making comments on showering more often and my child being more reluctant to do so.
I think you know something is wrong here but are in denial because facing the alternative is horrific.

OP, is your DP autistic? He needs a strict routine and is upset that there isn't one in place, he can't handle it when the 'rules' get broken and needs to tell someone in 'authority' i.e. you, he's a picky eater, etc.

(I'm autistic myself, BTW.)

Not that it would make any of this OK, of course - his behaviour is creepy and damaging and there are SO many red flags in terms of safeguarding.

You need to get him out of your home, he is abusive, controlling. Look up coercive control, this is what he is doing to you & your daughters, make him leave, not tomorrow, next week, next month, now, before he does more damage to your daughters & you.

Changedfor
I'm so sorry for what you've been through💐

We know that in some cases the other adults attack the child who discloses and sympathise with the perpetrator, this is horrifying but it still happens:(

Sometimes we are lucky enough in life to get a big fuck off wake up call and this is yours OP. It really doesn’t get bigger or louder than this. For your children’s sake I don’t think you have the option to ignore it.

Oh my god @Changedfor I am so sorry for you and your daughter. You poor things, thank god he's behind bars but how awful it isn't forever. Sending you so much love

If you don't have dc together what is the point in living with him. You can still have a relationship with him, seeing him once a week or so but not to stay over, then your DDS can do what they want without having to answer to a man they're not related to. How do you think they would react if you told them he's moving out in 2 days, relief or sadness.?

Please can pp trying to say he’s autistic etc please stop!
It’s actually pathetic that MN uses this as a reason to excuse crap behaviour. My DS19 has Aspergers and is the nicest politest person I know and to see controlling abusive behaviour be excused enrages me and it adds even more stigma to ppl who genuinely are autistic.

@growinggreyer - I agree with your post but these are not young women. They are 8 and 12. They are children

Others have already said everything that needs to be said but I just thought I'd add this:
Through my previous job I've sat through quite a few criminal trials including sexual abuse ones. The opening post strongly reminded me of one particular case where the man on trial was very convincing, had a logical explanation for everything, and everything he said sounded like a legitimate parenting/discipline concern. He painted the stepdaughter as lazy and disobedient.
One thing he said that I still remember is how he had to nag her to shower as it was important that she "kept herself clean". It sounds like such an innocuous thing and not unreasonable in itself but something about the way he said it weirded me out and I thought it was an odd thing to keep mentioning. He got found guilty in the end (not because of the showering thing, that was by the by).

Now, that's just an anecdotal example and by no means "proof" that there's something untoward going on in the OP's situation. But it's a possibility and some of the behaviour described is odd in itself, whether or not he's a predator.
I think, more importantly, you aren't getting on, you're annoyed at his interference and are already "losing your shit" at him. That's not a good environment to be living in. It doesn't matter what people on MN think, if you aren't happy or something doesn't feel right you should trust your instincts and leave.

Best case he's not picking his battles and is going to push them away with his nagging and lack of respect, both for their autonomy and for their possessions. Worst case he's overly invested in them for all the reasons others have described. You know it's not right. Trust that instinct.

OP listen to your inner fear and the voices of experience in this thread. Your poor DD having to live with a man of your choosing who treats them so badly. It's not normal, he's showing an unhealthy interest in them. Protect them now. He must leave the childrens home. If you choose to carry on seeing him away from your children, well that's up to you. However, I have a nagging feeling that you won't be so interesting to him once he no longer lives in your home with your children.