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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is he Anal or am I in the wrong

527 replies

IsHeAnal · 11/05/2020 21:06

Can someone just please tell me if I’m be unreasonable when I tell my partner that he is playing mind games with my girls. This is written in a rush after yet another incident so I’m a bit peed off right now. It’s long and sorry for all mistakes and grammar.

We’ve been together since end 2016. Moved in together end 2018. He moved to my area and we moved into a new place.
He is brilliant with the girls. He never had any children himself. I don’t drive so all after school activities etc that’s not within walking distance he takes and drops them. He treat them. Surprised them this Xmas with one of their favourite music artists (might be cancelled) but just to give you an idea that he does a lot for them.

Now my biggest biggest issue is what I personally call “anal” behaviour. The girls are 12 and 9. From all my friends near and friends who I know who doesn’t live near us my girls go to bed early. Always has either screen time on their iPads or on DD1s phone. If behaviour isn’t good I can just say to them “put your phone downstairs until you behave better etc”. They might be annoyed but they don’t question my choices. My 9 year old is a little like me and will ask me if I’m the boss of her etc or why am I on my phone before reluctantly putting hers down.

I’m now going to list what he does that annoy the hell out of me.

  1. He will hide 9 year olds iPad to test if she will come and hug me in the morning because she “loves” me or because she wants the iPad.
  2. He used to go into DD1s room to hide her laptop as DD1 tend to give her laptop for DD2 to play minecraft. So when he is at work and DD1 needs to do work on laptop we can’t find it. I lost my shit about that so that is the only thing that stopped. And similar he hides DD1s iPad for same reason. But still always come and moan at me that she’s on it when he walks past there bedroom.
  3. He will come and tell me every single time if DD2 is on her iPad or on her sisters gadgets. Every single time. I’ve got screen time on from 9am to 6pm and sometimes extend it depending on if she’s been doing other stuff all day and not been on her iPad. But even though it’s available to use all day she’s limited to 2hrs app time. So if she’s been 2hrs non stop on there she cannot continue on it unless she asks me.
  4. Brushing of teeth: every single night after I’ve kissed them whether they’ve come downstairs or I’ve gone up and told them get ready for bed i.e. pjs on and teeth. He will shout up brush your teeth. He will then pretend to go to the toilet to go and feel if their toothbrushes are wet. And go on and on if one of the girls happened to not have done it.
  5. He now also during lockdown go in every morning and put their toothbrushes in a particular position to see if they’ve moved it. If it hasn’t moved it proofs that they haven’t yet again brush their teeth. And use it against them for something. Every bloody time. Most of the time the girls are currently especially during lockdown in their onesies. So yes tend to forget stuff like brushing their teeth as they tend to have breakfast after JoeWicks and then start school work at 10.
  6. He is constantly onto DD1 about showering. It’s lockdown. Most of the time she finds excuses right now. My thinking is she will struggle and she’ll stink if she doesn’t shower so she’s old enough to know better. He is constantly making note of when she had a shower. So I flipped last week and said what if she starts her period (she hasn’t yet) will you also be on and aware of it all the time. I would have hated that if I was her age.
  7. DD2 is working downstairs as she’s only 9 and DD1 in her own room. Every now and then he will come downstairs and if DD2 is doing anything remotely that doesn’t look school work related he will make comments and reference to it or “questioning” if we are actually doing school work.
  8. Bed time: for years my girls slept 7pm to 7am. Until I started to feel sorry for them as I know their friends sleep later. 2 years ago that was extended to 8pm. Now I personally don’t mind if it’s 8:30 to 9 during term time for DD2 and 9-10 for DD1. Its lockdown so I honestly would not have been all that bothered. But whether it’s normal school days or weekends or holidays he is constantly moaning about bed time. Saying he needs his alone time and chill out time. He goes to bed at 9:15. So most evenings I’m there on my own. I have always been the type of parent who had a 7-7 bedtime routine but flexible with my girls as youngsters so if we were heading to a playgroup or meeting a friend and they fell asleep on their way I’d still go as they’ll sleep in pushchair or they’d fall asleep on their way home but I could always lift them out of pushchair and put them asleep into their cot with no make ups. Their dad was a massive asshole but my girls were very good babies/children.
  9. He hates it when the girls come in for cuddles in the morning as he doesn’t believe kids belong in their parents bedroom let alone if he isn’t there. But will quite happily like a photo of my friend who has 3 kids and her partner who has 2 kids and her having all 5 on her bed.
Please tell me that I have every reason to lose my shit. My biggest worry is my eldest is almost a teenager and she’s going to have friends in and out of our house or want to stay up even later. The girls love him and id hate for them to be older and resent him when he does such a lot for them. But they’d end up resenting him as he behaves like a snitch. Every single time when they are doing stuff that’s very small he runs to me. Every every time. So AIBU to tell him to just bloody stop it and enjoy this age and stage the girls are at as they really are not difficult kids. Please help!
OP posts:
billy1966 · 12/05/2020 10:20

@Graphista

Really chilling to read your post.

OP,
You sound like a good mum who is trying to do her best.

You know his behaviour isn't right.
Listen to your gut.

Sexual abuse goes on in such a hidden in broad daylight manner.

I have heard of cases over the years and the details of how ordinary the homes were is unbelievable.

As a mother of teenage daughters, I would find even one of your many examples an invasion of my daughter's privacy.

All of these examples are chilling.

Who stops a child being affectionate in the morning?

The truth is you know something isn't right and you have known for a long time.

Protect those precious girls of yours. Always.

I hope your exams went well.
Flowers

MegaClutterSlut · 12/05/2020 10:21

Have only read the op but this is seriously weird behaviour imo. I would completely lose my shit at what he's doing

OverUnderSidewaysDown · 12/05/2020 10:32

Hope the exam went well.
DO NOT show him this thread; that is a very bad idea.

Seapoint2002 · 12/05/2020 10:37

He is being controlling and you should leave immediately. This is not a normal relationship and by staying your girls are learning that this behaviour is ok and indeed how a normal relationship works.

Nestofvipers · 12/05/2020 10:40

I think @Elsiebear90 with her post at 23.03 yesterday has hit the nail on the head about why his behaviour is giving me the creeps.

I also strongly agree with the PP who said you should re read and strongly take note of @Graphista ‘s post. This is the reality of how grooming and abuse happens.

ChocolateQuiltedShitPig · 12/05/2020 10:41

His behaviour is exactly like my old school friends stepfather, she later admitted he abused her for years.

How can you not see this

BackseatCookers · 12/05/2020 10:53

She knows I always always have her back.

She knows she can tell you when something upsets or disturbs her and when your partner says horrible things about her or her sister. Unfortunately now she also knows you'll stay with him and explain things away regardless.

Your thread reads like this to an outsider:

OP: is my partner controlling and overstepping boundaries, he's weirding me out and my daughters aren't happy about his behaviour

MN: yeah he's really controlling, overstepping boundaries and also being totally inappropriate

OP: You are all paranoid, he is a wonderful step dad actually and his behaviour isn't inappropriate he loves them and they are really happy

Tale as old as time.

Reallynowdear · 12/05/2020 10:59

Please don't let your anger regarding the many posters concerns about sexual abuse cloud your judgement any further.

His behaviour described in your original post is awful, abusive and damaging.

How can your children relax in their own home when he's playing mind games with them?

Hiding their things, testing their love for you?

Absolutely shocking behaviour cleverly combined with regular parenting concerns like teeth brushing etc.

BackseatCookers · 12/05/2020 11:02

What @Reallynowdear said - even removing any sexual element to his behaviour it is still totally inappropriate because it's overstepping boundaries.

He is testing their love for you?! Hiding their stuff?! Trying to catch them out?!

Come on, you can't possibly think it's OK or you wouldn't have posted.

People haven't just stopped you in the street and started throwing accusations at you, YOU posted and gave all the information.

Almost every single poster said his behaviour is totally unacceptable and you should think about breaking up.

Do you not think that if almost every single person thinks something, it might be true?

Gamble66 · 12/05/2020 11:11

Why would you even contemplate living with a man who 'tests' your children's love for you ?

Colom · 12/05/2020 11:17

So sorry if I couldn’t have a magic wand to foresee that he would be like this

I didn't mean that you couldn't see the signs before he moved in OP, most people put on a great show before they move in so he would have masked that. What I meant was you don't seem to be seeing the signs now. He's lived with you for more than 18 months and while this behaviour may have grown gradually, it's still been months and months of it and instead of thinking "okay my children should not be subjected to such bullshit my my boyfriend who is surplus to requirements, goodbye 👋🏻" you're "losing your shit" and organizing counseling sessions Confused if a relationship needs counseling sessions after less than two years of living together then it's not worth saving. It's not working.

He's not a "talker" anyway, so even if you resume counseling it won't work as he's not open to communicating on this topic. You've told him to stop but he isn't. You were concerned enough to post so you know it's a wrong. The only solution is to dump him, that's it. You don't NEED him, as you said you got rid of your DCs father so you can easily get rid of this one. Put it down to experience and put your DDs first or be ready for your relationship with them to be ruined. Easy choice to my mind.

crochetandshit · 12/05/2020 11:21

Yy to the way he is trying to separate them, from each other and you.
Portraying them as sneaky, not to be trusted, to lie, to do or say things for what they can get out of it quickly becomes "she said I did what? Well, that follows exactly what I've been telling you for months about their attention seeking"

The thought of 2 sisters at their ages being in trouble for bed sharing and whispering?
Isn't this the ideal?!
What is the benefit to them for this to stop on a weekend night?
To separate them, to stop them sharing secrets?
Who in your home does this benefit?

JazzyTheDog · 12/05/2020 11:34

From your posts you’re clearly quite intelligent OP (hope the exams go well), and your parenting sounds fine to me.

However your original post made me feel very very very uneasy, and each update made it worse. There’s something not right about this man and this situation. Not just him being a controlling arse, but at best his behaviour is unhealthy and detrimental to your girls, but I worry it’s more than that and at the very least it’s crossed into grooming of them and you. He is obsessed with them, two little girls he has been sharing a house with for only a year. It’s creepy and unusual at best, and at worst it could be horrific.

Your children may be open with you but they will not tell you what you don’t want to hear, what he has told them not to tell. Kids don’t tell, that’s why it happens and continues for long periods.

He should not be living in a house with your children.

CaptainAthena · 12/05/2020 11:58

I keep coming back to this thread as it's really disturbed me, OP I hope you are coming back to read too - I appreciate this can't be easy for you.

One thing that jumped out at me was your defensiveness over the idea that he could be a potential abuser. You jumped straight to saying that would make you a shit mother. Please try to understand that this is about your girls, you must try to remain open minded and open eyed for them, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes you feel.

terrelontane · 12/05/2020 12:01

@Graphista You have taught me more in one MN post than all my useless annual tick box safeguarding refresher courses put together, thank you.

B1rdbra1n · 12/05/2020 12:02

I feel we should remember that predators such as this man groom the whole family, he probably works partly through instinct and partly through conscious calculation.
He's part of the household and so he is able to constantly monitor the three women and game the situation to try and get the outcome that he wants

Notapheasantplucker · 12/05/2020 12:08

OP, people are not saying you are a bad mother, you sound like a good mum!

BUT you need to listen to people who are telling you of their experiences in this sort of scenario, including me.
You are purposely turning a blind eye to everything people are saying about the grooming.
How can you be so sure he isn't doing that to your girls?

You might think they will tell you everything, but like a PP said, so far it seems as if you have explained away his behaviour and not really done anything about it. Apart from stopping him going into their rooms.

What about everything else?

He has pushed way too many boundaries for my liking and it doesn't sound normal. It sounds controlling, and he is using the excuse that he isn't used to living with children.

Open your eyes OP fucking hell. You remind me of my own mother.

The controlling behaviour alone is enough to fuck with their mental health! They will be constantly paranoid and on edge waiting for him to jump out and 'catch' them doing something every other normal kid does they shouldn't.

PurpleSpottedPony · 12/05/2020 12:10

Trigger Warning

My stepfather was like this. Constantly checking, correcting, sneaking up on us to catch us out. Creeping up the stairs and opening bedroom and bathroom doors to make sure we were quiet/washing/brushing teeth/asleep, whatever fit the circumstances.

Very early bedtimes (compared to other kids on the street, no talking, whispering, quiet reading allowed. Had to be asleep before he went to bed.

Grassing us up: she did this, she didn't do that, they're constantly talking, she got out of bed etc. etc.. Mother always taking his word as gospel although it was mostly lies.

He went to bed earlier than my mother because he was up at 5 and worked ever so hard don't you know.

Then he began to come ever so stealthily into our room. If myself or my sister were awake he would tell us off in angry whispers then go down and tell her we were talking (we weren't, we never did when we knew he had come to bed at 9pm ) and he had had to come in to tell us off.

We learnt to pretend to be asleep. That's when he started to molest me by slipping a hand under my covers. If I stirred he would say 'there, there, you've just had a nightmare', then go down and tell Mother he had to comfort me because I'd had a nightmare. It progressed from there. If ever she questioned why he had walked from their room to ours there was always a plausible reason.

The control/checking started at 6/7, then he progressed to SA when I was 8.

To the outside world he was a loving SF. Took us out for picnics, to a large park a few miles away, walks in the woods, visits to the pony field a few miles away. The pony fields were when he pounced. He knew I wouldn't 'tell' because I was obsessed and that would stop the visits. He groomed, he said things. I knew it felt wrong but didn't know why. By the time I was 10 he could molest me in a room with other people and no one would be any the wiser. The same at home. Pony rides (piggy backs) in the garden, tickling games, cuddles on his lap, anything could be twisted. To everyone else it probably looked like we had a great relationship. That's because I was a child and was groomed, because he did fun things as well as the odd feels wrong things. Because he's driven such a wedge into the mother/child relationship that he seemed to be the only one on my side most of the time. Oh yeah, he would also tell me that my mother was fed up of me, sick of me and my behaviour, that she wanted to send me away but he'd talked her out of it. No one ever knew about those conversations because how could I as a child bring them up and question adult authority.

All planned, all premiditated, all very clever, and no one, least of all my mother, had a fucking clue.

Now maybe you've just got yourself a common arsehole OP, maybe he's not a predator eyeing up one or both of your children. Maybe.

PurpleSpottedPony · 12/05/2020 12:15

@Graphista Flowers I was doubting posting until I saw your post. My alarm bells were dingling until I saw the 'he goes to bed at 9.15' post, then that dingling became nuclear alert level sirens. You gave me the strength to add to the warnings OP has had. Thank you. May you be blessed.

CaptainAthena · 12/05/2020 12:15

purple that's so heartbreaking and so so brave of you to share, same goes for everyone on the thread who has shared their own experiences Flowers

OP please pay attention, you're obviously intelligent but it's not only stupid people who fall prey

CorianderLord · 12/05/2020 12:30

Is it just me who doesn't find going to bed at 9.15 weird? I go to bed at 9 because I start work at 6am...

Hedgehog44 · 12/05/2020 12:32

I couldn't stand it personally.

B1rdbra1n · 12/05/2020 12:34

always a plausible reason
This is how they work, they skirt the line of plausible deniability, constantly testing and checking to see what they can get away with, he chooses the area of personal hygiene because it allows him easy pathways to the things he really wants to get to.
OP, this man has selected you because you have two daughters and he feels that he can manipulate you into to granting him the access that he wants to these two girls.

Clymene · 12/05/2020 12:43

Two survivors of SA write long and heartbreaking posts about how their stepfathers groomed them by exhibiting very similar behaviour to the OP's partner and someone comments about what time they like to go to bed? FFS - this place appals me sometimes Angry

purple and graphista Flowers to both of you. I hope your words give the OP serious pause. It is frightening how many similarities there are between your stories.

I wasn't sexually abused as a child but I lived next door to a woman whose husband sexually abused one of her children. They completely cut her off - she was heartbroken - but not enough to leave him it seemed.

Lauraa7 · 12/05/2020 12:45

Reading this has also reminded me of a school friends step-dad, he completely dominated the family and it was just odd. There was also sexual abuse occurring in that family too. Op you really need to step up and protect your girls