Is he Anal or am I in the wrong

[IsHeAnal]

Can someone just please tell me if I’m be unreasonable when I tell my partner that he is playing mind games with my girls. This is written in a rush after yet another incident so I’m a bit peed off right now. It’s long and sorry for all mistakes and grammar.

We’ve been together since end 2016. Moved in together end 2018. He moved to my area and we moved into a new place.
He is brilliant with the girls. He never had any children himself. I don’t drive so all after school activities etc that’s not within walking distance he takes and drops them. He treat them. Surprised them this Xmas with one of their favourite music artists (might be cancelled) but just to give you an idea that he does a lot for them.

Now my biggest biggest issue is what I personally call “anal” behaviour. The girls are 12 and 9. From all my friends near and friends who I know who doesn’t live near us my girls go to bed early. Always has either screen time on their iPads or on DD1s phone. If behaviour isn’t good I can just say to them “put your phone downstairs until you behave better etc”. They might be annoyed but they don’t question my choices. My 9 year old is a little like me and will ask me if I’m the boss of her etc or why am I on my phone before reluctantly putting hers down.

I’m now going to list what he does that annoy the hell out of me.

1. He will hide 9 year olds iPad to test if she will come and hug me in the morning because she “loves” me or because she wants the iPad.
2. He used to go into DD1s room to hide her laptop as DD1 tend to give her laptop for DD2 to play minecraft. So when he is at work and DD1 needs to do work on laptop we can’t find it. I lost my shit about that so that is the only thing that stopped. And similar he hides DD1s iPad for same reason. But still always come and moan at me that she’s on it when he walks past there bedroom.
3. He will come and tell me every single time if DD2 is on her iPad or on her sisters gadgets. Every single time. I’ve got screen time on from 9am to 6pm and sometimes extend it depending on if she’s been doing other stuff all day and not been on her iPad. But even though it’s available to use all day she’s limited to 2hrs app time. So if she’s been 2hrs non stop on there she cannot continue on it unless she asks me.
4. Brushing of teeth: every single night after I’ve kissed them whether they’ve come downstairs or I’ve gone up and told them get ready for bed i.e. pjs on and teeth. He will shout up brush your teeth. He will then pretend to go to the toilet to go and feel if their toothbrushes are wet. And go on and on if one of the girls happened to not have done it.
5. He now also during lockdown go in every morning and put their toothbrushes in a particular position to see if they’ve moved it. If it hasn’t moved it proofs that they haven’t yet again brush their teeth. And use it against them for something. Every bloody time. Most of the time the girls are currently especially during lockdown in their onesies. So yes tend to forget stuff like brushing their teeth as they tend to have breakfast after JoeWicks and then start school work at 10.
6. He is constantly onto DD1 about showering. It’s lockdown. Most of the time she finds excuses right now. My thinking is she will struggle and she’ll stink if she doesn’t shower so she’s old enough to know better. He is constantly making note of when she had a shower. So I flipped last week and said what if she starts her period (she hasn’t yet) will you also be on and aware of it all the time. I would have hated that if I was her age.
7. DD2 is working downstairs as she’s only 9 and DD1 in her own room. Every now and then he will come downstairs and if DD2 is doing anything remotely that doesn’t look school work related he will make comments and reference to it or “questioning” if we are actually doing school work.
8. Bed time: for years my girls slept 7pm to 7am. Until I started to feel sorry for them as I know their friends sleep later. 2 years ago that was extended to 8pm. Now I personally don’t mind if it’s 8:30 to 9 during term time for DD2 and 9-10 for DD1. Its lockdown so I honestly would not have been all that bothered. But whether it’s normal school days or weekends or holidays he is constantly moaning about bed time. Saying he needs his alone time and chill out time. He goes to bed at 9:15. So most evenings I’m there on my own. I have always been the type of parent who had a 7-7 bedtime routine but flexible with my girls as youngsters so if we were heading to a playgroup or meeting a friend and they fell asleep on their way I’d still go as they’ll sleep in pushchair or they’d fall asleep on their way home but I could always lift them out of pushchair and put them asleep into their cot with no make ups. Their dad was a massive asshole but my girls were very good babies/children.
9. He hates it when the girls come in for cuddles in the morning as he doesn’t believe kids belong in their parents bedroom let alone if he isn’t there. But will quite happily like a photo of my friend who has 3 kids and her partner who has 2 kids and her having all 5 on her bed.

Please tell me that I have every reason to lose my shit. My biggest worry is my eldest is almost a teenager and she’s going to have friends in and out of our house or want to stay up even later. The girls love him and id hate for them to be older and resent him when he does such a lot for them. But they’d end up resenting him as he behaves like a snitch. Every single time when they are doing stuff that’s very small he runs to me. Every every time. So AIBU to tell him to just bloody stop it and enjoy this age and stage the girls are at as they really are not difficult kids. Please help!

I was thinking like Darkforce that your partner may have soon Aspergers tendencies - it's a spectrum of course. The focus on rules and (enforcing) routine is especially typical. It sounds like your partner needs to be told very specifically what the problem is - getting tone and facial expression may not be a strong point for him. Don't rely on "common sense" but spell out exactly what you want him to do or not do. I think people are a bit premature about saying he has lots of signs of being an abuser. I was a stricter parent and some of the things he complains about - lack of teeth brushing, showering etc would concern me too. I have accidentally walked in on my children in the bathroom but it doesn't mean I am an abuser. On the other hand, there would be nothing wrong with having a careful conversation with your daughters individually and telling them that if anyone ever makes them uncomfortable or unsure of themselves then they should tell you about it and shouldn't be worried about just yelling, "Stop that". Often the person you should be worried about is the one you would least suspect and children need to be equipped to deal with such situations.

Yanbu but a lot of this is just really dreadful parenting technique. My OH has had similar tendencies of wanting to micromanage my DD, but he doesn't do such idiotic things. I know my DD is addicted to tech, that doesn't mean she doesnt love me. It just means we have strict app controls and regular arguments about not wasting too much time.

Playing games like the toothbrush thing is absurd. I would point out to him if he behaves like that, be will simply encourage the girls to believe being sneaky is correct. They may have clean teeth but the lesson learned is FAR worse.

You need to sit him down and go through the big ticket issues and tell him he has to change. If he gets angry or hostile, you need to calmly explain that his parenting skills need to improve because his behaviour is going to have unintended consequences for your girls.

I can understand him not wanting the girls in your bedroom though. At their age, and with him not being biological dad, it seems strange they would jump into bed with you.

You are kidding yourself op if you think he wouldn't be able to interfere with them without you knowing.

Kids can be abused while their parent is in the same room. Behind a sofa, under a blanket. Run all this past the nspcc and see what they think.

Do NOT show him this thread.

Scary control freak. You seriously need to leave. If not something seriously bad MAY happen

It was quite exhausting to read all about this partner of yours, and his seemingly strange behaviour towards your two daughters. Despite you saying that your daughters love him,and he drives them to places etc, it is not right that he undermines what you think is good and correct about your parenting of your daughters. All this checking up on them about the things that you have mentioned, is very odd, and quite disturbing.

There must be a reason why he is like this,especially as he not their Father. He is controlling, and perhaps brainwashing your daughters,and they don't even realise this yet.

Mmmm. First of all OP I think you were very tired, you read all these responses, you've got exams in the morning, and I'm sure you were a bit taken aback. I wish you best of luck with those exams and I am hoping you manage to get some decent sleep, and wake up feeling refreshed.

I think when you look at these replies again, and I hope you'll read them all over (you said several times you will read every single one), that you'll see hundreds of women (200+) are feeling very negative about what you've posted, with a significant number saying things about how creepy and weird, and abusive all this sounds.

You sound like a clever woman. You've got drive - you're a uni student with two kids. You got rid of your horrible ex. You are independent. You express yourself passionately and well in a language that is not your first (how many of us can do that, eh?), you are fiercely convinced that nothing is happening of a sexual nature, and people's spidey-senses are off.

What I'd encourage is that you take that intelligence and focus inward a bit. As just one example, you said that this about your eldest " My 12 year old is known to be the only of the older kids to greet the other parents of the primary as she walks home or recognising when someone has done stuff for them." You will be aware that being constantly on edge at home, used to being on the receiving end of judgement and criticism, will make a child very good with adults - it's part of how you learn to grow up. Children who are great with adults, some of them are that way naturally, some of them have evolved to be that way to protect themselves.

I think also, you already know, it's weird and wrong for him to not like/let your daughters come into your bedroom for a morning cuddle,. That interruption of the mother-daughter love bond is so wrong and also damaging. Even when you cuddle them, you will be different because of his disapproving presence. You know this, I am sure you do. And I think you need to dig deeper into what you really mean by "anal."

I am going to end by saying you should consider my post, and my instincts, a massive +1 for the fact that there's something wrong with him.

I am sorry.

I don't know if you watch coronation street, but Geoff spring to mind. They seriously seem very similar. If not, ignore that.
Is he seeking as much control as possible by telling them what to do? And getting you to tell them what to do? I don't think he hates them. But he is obsessed with them, which is very worrying. Putting it bluntly... could he have anterior motives? Is he sexually interested in your children? I know your gut instinct will be no, but everyone's is. And some of these mothers children are getting abused but the fathers/step fathers... I really think you need to observe very closely.
Regardless of what he is actually doing, he is not normal. You should remove him from yours and your children's life before things get a lot worse for someone

Possible thought-
Is he attracted to them sexually and doesn't want them in the bed because
He feels awkward/doesn't know what to do
Fantasises about what could happen

Sorry for the spam but I'm very concerned... if you talk to him and tell him your concerned ask him t9 change etc. He will not. This is 10000% true. 'Men' like him don't change%. He will just realise he needs to hide it better and become more dangerous. He may already be abusing your children, or he may in the future and if he realises you're onto him he'll just be better at it

Op I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse by my father, people familiar with my username will know I am a fairly robust person in discussing such matters usually but your first post gave me serious chills and nausea from the familiarity!

This IS controlling, emotionally/mentally abusive and quite possibly grooming - abusers don't just groom their targets they groom anyone they need to in order to gain access to their targets and have excuses already in place for if they are caught doing things surreptitious but not obviously abusive.

My father was always somewhat obsessed with me - not just my opinion. But as I approached teen years this seriously ramped up. At first he "teased" me about my "new found modesty" when I started closing my bedroom door when getting dressed, locking the bathroom door when I was in there, wearing a bath robe if outside my bedroom while in night clothes. He also started "monitoring" my personal hygiene (there was no need to I was no worse than any other kid and like you my mum kept a rough eye on anyway), "checking" I'd brushed teeth washed my face properly, then he started sneaking in my room at night - supposedly because he "thought" he heard my tv or music still playing.

I started to feel unsafe, but couldn't understand why and there was nobody I could talk to about it. It was already an abusive home in other ways (mum was battered and financially and emotionally abused) so I knew there was no point talking to her and I didn't feel able to talk to anyone else because what would I say? My dad checks I've brushed my teeth?

Then when things started to become obvious I started to understand but still didn't feel able to tell anyone, he was very clever at playing off what he did at first as "accidental" (coming in my room when I was home changing with a pile of laundry or some item that belonged in my room he was "tidying" saying he didn't know I was home or didn't know I was undressing) or "unintentional" or "a joke" which had the intended consequence of making me second guess myself.

Eventually it got worse and the shame, fear and guilt (yes victims feel like it's their fault - not helped as abusers often say things like 'you're a tease' 'you're so pretty I can't help myself') stopped me from telling anyone again.

He also manufactured arguments between mum and I doing things like telling each of us different times to meet somewhere, telling me mum had said I was let off a chore then she'd get mad I hadn't done it.

It wasn't until many years later that I learned this was "grooming" because that was way back before people discussed such things as openly as now, but even now victims are reluctant to come forward.

Your partner is creating himself the perfect "excuse" for sneaking in their rooms at night for starters! THAT should have been stamped on by you immediately! Wtf were you thinking?

Almost everything he does - good and bad - is almost all involving a level of intimacy he shouldn't even THINK to have with them, and several create situations where he's alone with them.

Now a normal person in a new stepdad setup trends if anything to act with an abundance of caution in avoiding acting in ways that can remotely be considered inappropriate.

This guy can't help himself. I'm even wondering if his reason for not wanting them in the bed with you of a morning is because it would be just too difficult for him to conceal his...desires?

GET HIM OUT! And I mean like tomorrow!

Yes I'm hyper vigilant but omg so so so many red flags here.

And frankly even if that isn't his intent the gaslighting, controlling behaviour is bad enough!

Your children at the very least are walking on eggshells, unable to relax fully in their own home, being spied on, gaslit, monitored and controlled by some guy who only moved in less than 2 years ago! He's also trying to create a "them and us" between them and the 2 adults in the house. Thats what the rattling to you is about, he's trying to create a wedge between you and your girls - "testing" if they really "love" you?! That's never a good thing.

almost grooming you all to accept an invasion of boundaries there's no almost about it

Jesus then your subsequent post he doesn't like them sleeping together?!

Are you saying he didn't give any indication of this before he moved in? Of course he wouldn't or you wouldn't have moved in with him! He was masking.

God and I MISSED his early bedtimes too - if he's not going straight to sleep and isn't genuinely tired (which I don't believe he is) this is also suspicious.

You say you wouldn't tolerate if he had nefarious intentions but I'm concerned you don't know what the subtle signs of that are. Myself and at least 2 other csa survivors on thread have spotted several potential causes for concern.

When you're downstairs would you hear if he went in their rooms? Also bear in mind that men of that type wouldn't necessarily be interested in both girls. They have preferences - age, appearance etc they're also good at assessing who's least likely to tell!

One of the reasons my sister doesn't believe I was abused is because he didn't also abuse her sexually (he targeted her in other ways) - that made me 2nd guess things at first too but when I eventually started discussing with mh professionals (who by the nature of their work deal with a lot of victims) I learned that too is a myth. They explained about preference, how they size up the best child to target etc

Is there one of your girls he seems particularly set on creating a divide from you? Framing as a "naughty" girl? A liar? Not to be trusted?

PLEASE get him the FUCK out!

Call the nape for advice on talking to the girls to gauge if anything worse has happened.

From a few of your comments I think you may also be labouring under misconceptions of what constitutes sexual abuse, you seem to think it goes from nothing to the worst with little warning? Not how it works.

Also not all abuse happens at night

Frankly I think anyone considering moving a step parent in should do a Sarah's law check first

@IsHeAnal ((((Madd Hugs))) You have a lot to think about.

Good luck with the exam

For those saying that it is lax parenting to not separate dc if they want to sleep in the same bed, or they should be disciplined for talking after they are put to bed or they are too old to get into ops bed in the morning or the other 1001 things that op let’s pass.

I let dc do all those things. Bedtime was loosely by 10pm (at 9pm they were finishing ECAs most nights). If they decided to chat after bed time then they soon learned if they chatted till late they would be tired in the morning.

At 12 and in senior school I didn’t remind dd to do homework she either did it or she didn’t. (Usually did it on the tube on the way home from school) If she didn’t do it then the teachers would have given her consequences.

I would tell them to go and get into pjs and go and brush their teeth in the evening but if they didn’t brush their teeth then they would learn to brush them as very soon they realised their mouth didn’t feel nice.

They have said I looked after them and really guided them in certain areas that other parents didn’t bother with. But where other parents were extremely hot on things like teeth cleaning, homework, bedtimes and serving dinner at the same time each night (I can’t cook so it was either a ready meal and veg or we ate out) I left it up to them to decide those bits

They know even now (they are adults) if they say they are going to do something and it is questionable or not a great idea that I will turn round and question why they think it is a good idea or tell them no.
Whilst other parents let their adult children get on with things.

They have grown up to be very well rounded, hardworking, confident adults. With really amazing teeth.

It is not worth the risk to keep this man in your house another minute. Of course you won't know / it won't be blindingly obvious if he's abusing your daughters, if all abuse was obvious far fewer people would get away with committing such crimes. Forget the exams and the money in tuition and spend today getting this bastard away from your children.

I read your update. It is full to the brim of excuses for his behaviour.

How incredibly sad and disturbing.

I think you're deluded OP.

You've come on to an internet forum for advice because you know he's weird and his behaviour is worrying you.
You've been told by multiple people that this sounds like sexual abuse and yet you're now covering for him.

I know being alone is awful, but you need to protect your girls and get him out. This isn't about you getting a second chance at marriage and happily ever after, it's for their safety, and as you say they have nobody else to turn to but you in this country.

The fact that you think they'll talk about anything with you shocks me. Paedophiles are very good at getting children to keep secrets for them.

Don't sit around and wait for incontrovertible proof, you know it's not right, you know there's something off. Get him out and get your kids safe.

I don't know if he's a paedophile but he is behaving in an inappropriate way. Your girls are obviously the most important thing here, and if he does make them feel uncomfortable then you need to prioritise them

Yeh op. Never mind that your partner is controlling, bullying, mentally abusing and potentially sexually abusing your daughters. Your money’s worth more than them. 🙄

I for one wouldn’t scream paedo I think that’s reaching.

He is behaving in a way that’s unacceptable though and creepy. I think that’s bad enough, but posters are right, he is taking too much of an interest in your older daughters personal hygiene.

However that could just be because he’s weird creepy and a bully.

What I don’t get op is why you need time to think about what to do. The natural reaction should be the one you see from posters here.

Clearly you know something is very very wrong. That’s why you’re posting. His behaviour is disturbing you too, and now you’re thinking of the cost to you personally of splitting up v the damage to your kids.

Of course you didn’t see this behaviour before you lived together, it’s only when you live with someone you start to understand who they truly are.

I simoly cant comprehend a situation where my Husband would have ever behaved towards our daughter like your partner is treating your children, if he had done, I’d have immediately made it clear his behaviour was unacceptable and if it continued he’d be out. I’d have been hugely disturbed and my instinct would be to protect my child.

But my husband like the over whelming majority of people is not controlling, a bully weird and creepy.

Your partner is.

He sounds controlling and childish and it's not something I would be prepared to put up with. So yes say something to make it all stop.
My guess is he won't stop and then what will you do?

Good luck with your exam this morning, op. Think about all this later.

Was just wondering what you know about his past? Family,relationships,etc?

Good luck for today. You clearly have a lot going on.

You come across as extremely defensive. I know how difficult having to read these replies can be. Give it time, think about what people are saying. Don't dismiss it.

Your poor daughters @IsHeAnal.
He’s controlling, mean and spiteful.
I’d never let a ‘man’ like that near my daughter.

Honestly, I am perplexed at this thread! So much judgement. The OP is clearly a good parent, strong, intelligent and not naïve. Suddenly her partner is a paedophile because he makes sure that the kids brush their teeth, shower and restricts their screen time?! So much misquoting on this thread! As I see it, he is being a bit anal, trying to find his place as a step dad, the OP is trying to find her place as a co-parent, having largely been the one solely parenting and the two of them have differing standards/approaches to parenthood and different expectations from the children. Good luck with your exams today and ignore all the judgement.