Childbirth and parents!

[Nicknamegoeshere]

So I'm due a baby in the next couple of weeks. I share care with my ex (court enforced) although six years on he still makes life extremely difficult.

I'm planning a homebirth. The issue is if I go into labour when they are with us. My eldest (13) wants to go to his dad's while I labour but my youngest (10) may wish to stay at home.

My mum who lives within walking distance has asked why youngest can't go to hers as she is socially isolating and has been for weeks. I've explained that he could but only in an emergency situation, not just because I'm in labour if that makes sense? We must stick to the rules.

AIBU?

You are allowed someone to look after your children while you're in labour - look at the RCOG website (I'll try and find the link) so yes your mum could take care of your children while you're in labour without breaking the rules.

Yes you are. If you were having a hospital birth you couldn’t take your children with you and would have to make alternative arrangements. These arrangements have commonly included grandparents who have isolated in preparation.

Here's the link - scroll down the questions to find it:

RCOG guidance

Dont be ridiculous. Of course he can go to your mums.

@HildaSnibbs But ex would say it would make sense for him to have both of his kids rather than mixing another household. Because they are allowed to go between our two homes.

But my ex will say it makes sense for him to have them both and that by separating them unecessarily we are increasing risk. Wouldn't he be correct?

Don’t disagree but if your mum isolates entirely rather than socially distancing then there is zero increased risk. Why would your youngest not want to go to him anyway? Also have you actually asked your youngest what they want ( explained what will happen) or assumed they would want to do?

Why can’t your ex just have both of them then?

@LouiseTrees There are all sorts of issues going on which I can't really go into yet but he has applied to courts for further custody of boys (it's been 50/50 for six years). The situation is very precarious so we are following rules by the absolute letter.

The RCOG gives no guidance re homebirth just obviously that you can't take kids to maternity unit.

Keep it simple and send both kids to their dads.

@Herpesfreesince03 He also won't release back to anybody else except me ("technically" in Court Order) so they may not be returned until I am in a fit state to collect.

@Waveysnail Mum has the right arse on about it but I agree. Just that I run the risk of not seeing them both then for some time.

And the difference is here I am not going into hospital - I'm at home where kids can technically remain. Midwife happy for them to do so.

Is there a reason your ex can't drop the kids off, as long as you're fit enough to look adter then after birth?

I’m in two kinds of keep them there but don’t send to mums or worrying about potential emergencies and thinking then she’s need to get the kid but the issues you’d have with your ex. Unless your ex is or has been abusive to your kid or you feel there is any danger in sending him there then I think the best option is to send both kids there.

@Kay1341 He will refuse to bring them back unless I collect. We have had issues with him not returning eldest.

Should add to my previous ... or if he poses any other danger eg being lax on social distancing but then presumably the older one wouldn’t be going there

Could you have asked this on your existing long thread on the issues? People might find it easier to answer with the extensive background.

You’re worried your ex won’t give you them back so it’s best if they both go your mum, or at least your younger one.

I doubt she’s trying to make your harder so don’t be horrible to her. She’s offering to help and I’d accept.

@AnneLovesGilbert It's full.

But if they (one or both) go to mum ex will claim I'm putting them at potential risk when he can have them?

I'm not being horrible to her, I just don't want to get into trouble with the courts.

That’s not necessarily unreasonable though expecting you to collect your children? Barring any complications you should be up and about pretty soon after the birth, you can just collect the children when you’re ready. If you’re not well enough to to collect them then presumably you won’t be well enough to look after them, so they can stay with their father until you are.

Ah brainwave. Could your mum come to yours? You could tell your ex she’s living with you now ( move her in a week before), same household, no mixing of separates. Then conveniently she moves out.

OP is it yourself that has the extremely controlling ex who makes your life hell and the DP who has cauda equina?
If so I can understand why you're so careful about how you handle the situation.
Can you not explain to your youngest what labour may involve and given that he's 10 surely he can watch TV in his bedroom whilst you're in the final stages. Just have plenty of snacks in and some micro meals. If you do have to go to hospital that then becomes your emergency situation and your mum can help.
Alternatively he's going to have to go to his dad's with his older brother regardless of if he wants to or not.
Good luck and I hope your birth goes well

@LouiseTrees I'd love her to but she cares for my dad who is autistic and we don't have a spare room x

@TheArtfulScreamer1 Yes. My mother is now mad at me and I'm fed up with always being in the wrong whatever I do. I have had to tell her she can't be around when I'm labouring and she didn't like that, but that's just the way it is. She's upset she won't be seeing her new grandaughter despite fully socially isolating but again, that's not my fault.