Childbirth and parents!

[Nicknamegoeshere]

So I'm due a baby in the next couple of weeks. I share care with my ex (court enforced) although six years on he still makes life extremely difficult.

I'm planning a homebirth. The issue is if I go into labour when they are with us. My eldest (13) wants to go to his dad's while I labour but my youngest (10) may wish to stay at home.

My mum who lives within walking distance has asked why youngest can't go to hers as she is socially isolating and has been for weeks. I've explained that he could but only in an emergency situation, not just because I'm in labour if that makes sense? We must stick to the rules.

AIBU?

[Fedhimtotigers]

I wouldn't allow eldest to go to his Dads.
Send them both to your mums or he can stay at home.
He may kick off. In fact he thinks he rules the roost so it's pretty much guaranteed.

Just be firm.
No darling. It is my time with you as stated by the court so you will stay with me.'

No DS. I will be unable to collect you from your dads and due to your previous behaviour of not coming home when you're supposed to it's not a risk I'm going to take'

DS. I have said no that is the end of this discussion.

[crazymare20]

No a reasonable person would not expect you to but your ex is playing games hoping to get the upper hand. Don’t play into his hands, arrange to collect your children as normal and document that he has refused to hand over to your fiancée or expected you to pick up after giving birth. This shows he is being unreasonable and not putting the children’s best interests first. If you end up going to court the judge won’t like this behaviour.

[Nicknamegoeshere]

@TheArtfulScreamer1 I agree entirely. It's not helped by the fact she was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer 18 months ago so she knows time is precious x

[Nicknamegoeshere]

@SimplySteveRedux Erring on the side of caution re that as he will be evidence hunting iyswim?

@crazymare20 Yes, I can go with OH in car to collect kids potentially. What I'm annoyed with is that any reasonable person would not expect me to after just delivering or say that the cohabiting fiancé of the other party is a "stranger" after years of being together!!!

[Herpesfreesince03]

@crazymare20 that’s where I’m not understanding what the big issue is. I don’t think he’s expecting to hand over the children only if the op’s made her own way there herself and is alone. Someone can drive her or she could get a taxi. I’ve had to get a taxi back for all 3 of my births, the 3rd one I had to stop at my daughters school to pick them up an hour and a half after I gave birth

[TheArtfulScreamer1]

Your mum's just going to have to be mad and then get over it, unfortunately it's the way things are at this time. My ex mother in law passed away last month never having met her great granddaughter as she was born during lockdown and her son's haven't even been able to hug their grieving dad. You've enough to worry about without dealing with your mum's tantrum just focus on getting through the next few weeks.

[Herpesfreesince03]

I agree with you op, he’s obviously just trying to make your life more difficult. But at the same time he’s sticking to the court order. If you were to have the baby in the hospital then you’d have to travel home after whether you were driving/getting a lift/taxi. It would be just as easy to jump in the car to pick your other kids up, most people have to do it when having their second or more child

[SimplySteveRedux]

Can you link thread with all the background?

[crazymare20]

Can’t your partner drive you to collect the children if you aren’t well enough to drive after the birth?

[Nicknamegoeshere]

@Herpesfreesince03 No but you would think it reasonable releasing them to my OH. He won't do that though as he is a "stranger."

[Nicknamegoeshere]

@TheArtfulScreamer1 Yes. My mother is now mad at me and I'm fed up with always being in the wrong whatever I do. I have had to tell her she can't be around when I'm labouring and she didn't like that, but that's just the way it is. She's upset she won't be seeing her new grandaughter despite fully socially isolating but again, that's not my fault.

[Nicknamegoeshere]

@LouiseTrees I'd love her to but she cares for my dad who is autistic and we don't have a spare room x

[TheArtfulScreamer1]

OP is it yourself that has the extremely controlling ex who makes your life hell and the DP who has cauda equina?
If so I can understand why you're so careful about how you handle the situation.
Can you not explain to your youngest what labour may involve and given that he's 10 surely he can watch TV in his bedroom whilst you're in the final stages. Just have plenty of snacks in and some micro meals. If you do have to go to hospital that then becomes your emergency situation and your mum can help.
Alternatively he's going to have to go to his dad's with his older brother regardless of if he wants to or not.
Good luck and I hope your birth goes well

[LouiseTrees]

Ah brainwave. Could your mum come to yours? You could tell your ex she’s living with you now ( move her in a week before), same household, no mixing of separates. Then conveniently she moves out.

[Herpesfreesince03]

That’s not necessarily unreasonable though expecting you to collect your children? Barring any complications you should be up and about pretty soon after the birth, you can just collect the children when you’re ready. If you’re not well enough to to collect them then presumably you won’t be well enough to look after them, so they can stay with their father until you are.

[Nicknamegoeshere]

I'm not being horrible to her, I just don't want to get into trouble with the courts.

[Nicknamegoeshere]

@AnneLovesGilbert It's full.

But if they (one or both) go to mum ex will claim I'm putting them at potential risk when he can have them?

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Could you have asked this on your existing long thread on the issues? People might find it easier to answer with the extensive background.

You’re worried your ex won’t give you them back so it’s best if they both go your mum, or at least your younger one.

I doubt she’s trying to make your harder so don’t be horrible to her. She’s offering to help and I’d accept.

[LouiseTrees]

Should add to my previous ... or if he poses any other danger eg being lax on social distancing but then presumably the older one wouldn’t be going there

[Nicknamegoeshere]

@Kay1341 He will refuse to bring them back unless I collect. We have had issues with him not returning eldest.

[LouiseTrees]

I’m in two kinds of keep them there but don’t send to mums or worrying about potential emergencies and thinking then she’s need to get the kid but the issues you’d have with your ex. Unless your ex is or has been abusive to your kid or you feel there is any danger in sending him there then I think the best option is to send both kids there.

[Kay1341]

Is there a reason your ex can't drop the kids off, as long as you're fit enough to look adter then after birth?

[Nicknamegoeshere]

And the difference is here I am not going into hospital - I'm at home where kids can technically remain. Midwife happy for them to do so.

[Nicknamegoeshere]

@Waveysnail Mum has the right arse on about it but I agree. Just that I run the risk of not seeing them both then for some time.

[Nicknamegoeshere]

@Herpesfreesince03 He also won't release back to anybody else except me ("technically" in Court Order) so they may not be returned until I am in a fit state to collect.