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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The epic ring saga

127 replies

savethatkitty · 09/05/2020 00:17

This is slightly long, please bear with me.

When DH and I first moved in together, he didn't have a great deal of furniture that was his (most of it borrowed), so we bought a lot of furniture and appliances together, splitting the cost half each.

We were also about to get engaged and he had told me he didn't know the kind of ring I'd like, so we went ring shopping together, where I tried on/showed him the style I liked. Meanwhile, I found a matching engagement and wedding set which was "the one" (pardon the pun), so I had the jeweller write all the details on a card, such as my ring size etc.

This is where it gets tricky. As mentioned earlier, we had spent money equally on furniture and appliances. We'd ordered a bedroom suite (but hadn't yet paid the balance) so I said to DH, seeing as he was going to be buying me the engagement/wedding set, that I would pay for the bedroom suite & he didn't need to give me half. He readily agreed.

When he actually did propose, he hadn't purchased the set I'd asked for, he hadn't even purchased a ring remotely like any of the ones I'd shown him while ring shopping together.

To put it mildly, I was devastated. I cried for weeks every time I looked at my finger

I've been accused of being ungrateful. He made a point about not knowing what I liked - so I showed him. I bought the bedroom suite, with the expectation he was going to buy the wedding set.

AIBU? Or he is a cheap sh*t.

OP posts:
Frozenfan2019 · 09/05/2020 00:25

Sorry but what the fuck? Your engagement ring is supposed to be a gift not a negotiation. He is supposed to be out of pocket not compensated by a free bedroom set.

You are so not being unreasonable. You know now you should never have offered to pay for the bedroom suite.

Have a think about how this attitude will transfer to other decisions you have about your future.

One thing I've learnt as an old married woman with 13 years under her belt is that people get worse at the things they are bad at, not better. If you can forgive it fine but if you hate something about a person then remember they will.sfill have trait in 10 years!

Candyfloss99 · 09/05/2020 00:25

Hmmm is the man not supposed to pick the ring if you are doing it traditionally otherwise why did you not just buy the ring set you wanted yourself?

violetbunny · 09/05/2020 00:25

Do you know why he didn't purchase the specific ring he knew you wanted?

ViciousJackdaw · 09/05/2020 00:28

I wish there was an 'undecided' button. Yes, on the face of things, it sounds like he's a cheap shit. Is there any chance that he simply could not afford the set you picked out though? It sounds like you've both had to spend quite a bit of money recently. If this is the case, you should probably talk about why he couldn't be upfront about his finances.

Someone will probably say you are overreacting by bursting into tears when you look at the ring. I suspect it's not actually the ring itself, rather the fact that he said he'd do X but did Y instead.

Bristolbitsandbobs · 09/05/2020 00:35

This whole set up is weird. If you’re together buying rings, why didn’t it get bought there and then?
Why did you trade a bedroom set?
He’s either daft as a brush, or tight. Neither is good

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 09/05/2020 00:45

That’s the kind of thing my ex would do, I bet what he got was way cheaper too. Having to negotiate to buy furniture in order to get an engagement ring is a bad start. Him going through all the motions of caring what you want & then completely ignoring it, is even worse. Him then gaslighting you by saying it’s all in your head & you are ungrateful is a huge red flag. I wouldn’t be be signing up for a lifetime of that, no thank you.

crimsonlake · 09/05/2020 00:53

This is not going to end well is it?

ineedaholidaynow · 09/05/2020 00:53

Why didn’t you buy the ring when you saw the one you liked, that’s what we did. Why do you plan to get engaged, don’t you just get engaged?

user1473878824 · 09/05/2020 00:57

That’s really shitty of him. I know you’ll get a load of people saying why does it matter, but you have to wear it every day for the rest of your life and basically paid for half of it! I showed my DP exactly what I wanted and he got it, but different. The band was far too thick - like, huge, and it just wasn’t the type of thing I wanted at all. I was upset that despite literally have a 3D drawing to go off he’d just sort of winged it. I felt terrible but told him it wasn’t even comfortable to wear and was really worried about upsetting him. He instantly got it changed because I have to wear this ring forever and he wanted it to be what I wanted, and also yes it’s a gesture, but he wanted the gesture to be right. Your DP is allowed to be upset but getting you something completely different to what you asked for and then making you feel bad that you don’t like it, despite letting you pay for an entire bedroom, is hugely shit.

MovingBriskyOn · 09/05/2020 00:59

Understand what PPs are saying.

But to me, the whole OP was very transactional and wholly lacking in love or romance

user1473878824 · 09/05/2020 01:01

“Why didn’t you just buy your own engagement ring” is such a shitty answer. Why didn’t HE do something to show how much he loves her? Why is it her job to do things for her? Yes in the grand scheme of things it’s not the end of the world but I don’t think it’s shallow to think it matters.

Giespeace · 09/05/2020 01:03

This isn’t about the ring so much as the fact that he either wasn’t listening to you or he decided that what you said didn’t matter. And now that you are upset about that, he’s trying to minimise your upset.
It’s not a good first “official” step to marriage, is it?

ineedaholidaynow · 09/05/2020 01:09

I meant why didn’t they/him/she buy the ring when they saw it? Just seems odd that you plan to get engaged and you find the ring. But you don’t get engaged or buy the ring at that time.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 09/05/2020 01:12

He thought he'd save himself some cash on a cheap ring while you splashed out on the bathroom suite. Shitbag.

Marshmallow91 · 09/05/2020 01:23

He's a complete, 100%, undeniable bellend .

I'd ask for half for the bedroom suite. Any complaints would be met with "well show me a receipt for my ring and the I'll pay you half for that".

He won't do it because then he'll have to admit it cost him £32 in Argos, rather than what you had your mind (and heart) set on.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 09/05/2020 01:25

If the bedroom set was the same amount as the price of the selected rings you agreed to purchase, therefore you both were paying half of each, he is a tight thief you cannot trust with your money. This the kind of thing you would look back to in the future and think “the warning signs were there from the get go and I decided to ignore them”.

Pumpkintopf · 09/05/2020 01:27

This is a horrible thing for him to have done. Please don't let him gaslight you into thinking you're the unreasonable one here.

cocktailsatdawn · 09/05/2020 01:29

How can you be about to get engaged? Getting engaged means agreeing that you will marry, which you already did when you decided to "get engaged soon".

Either way, I think the posters who said he has gone for a cheapo ring are spot on, and if he couldn't afford the one you chose then he should have said so when you chose it.

OzziePopPop · 09/05/2020 01:32

I can’t say if he’s ‘cheap’ or not as you don’t say if there was a price difference between the set you wanted and what you received... are you aware there was a difference? Is it a large difference? You can’t just go by stone size, there’s a lot more to ring price. Although of course if he’d bought at least a similar style I’m sure you’d be happier, and that’s on him.

EmeraldShamrock · 09/05/2020 01:33

If he has always paid 50/50 what's changed. Does he have money worries? Are you sure the ring is cheap? Why did you keep the ring if it was an agreed negotiation.

OzziePopPop · 09/05/2020 01:33

Actually, you refer to him as DH? You married him already despite this?

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 09/05/2020 01:33

i surprised at people saying that is ok to be taken advantage off because at the end of the day you are getting married. This not a “ring” problem, it is a “dishonesty” problem.

enragedpenfold · 09/05/2020 01:37

Erm. How long ago is this? It’s all a bit past tense. If it was anything more than a few months ago, channel Elsa.
If it’s recent, just announce you’re ordering the one you wanted online and if he can’t return the one you’ve got, flog it and keep the cash to chalk off the furnishing bill.
People are weird.
Dh didn’t have a ring when he proposed, and swiftly fucked back off to where he was living (different country). I went shopping, picked one, had the nice jeweller put it aside, and gave dh the phone number and details to call and pay over the phone.
Job done. I went and picked it up and took it with me when I went to see him the next weekend - he put it on the finger.
All boxes ticked. No fittings fixtures or furniture purchased.
If he had called the jeweller and said nah, I think I’m going to pay for something else, he wouldn’t be the man I thought I knew...

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 09/05/2020 01:41

Why didn't you change it if you 'cried for weeks' every time you looked at your finger??
Talk about dramatic. You could've just exchanged it. You married him, are calling him DH, not just H, so get over it.

MulticolourMophead · 09/05/2020 01:43

I bet the ring is significantly less than the set the OP looked at with her DP.

He was quick to agree to OP paying for the furniture, and is now saying OP is being ungrateful, so he's twisting it back onto OP to make her shut up.

OP, I'd ask for half the cost of the bedroom stuff, seeing as he hasn't kept to his side of the deal. And if he complains, ask to see the ring receipt, as someone else said. I bet he'll come up with some excuse to avoid it.

And I'd reflect on your relationship so far. Have there been any other incidents where he's twisted things? Minimised things? Is there a pattern? Can you say if this current issue is a one-off? I generally believe past behaviour is a guide to future behaviour, so take your time to think it all over.

Don't marry unless you're absolutely sure.