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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The epic ring saga

127 replies

savethatkitty · 09/05/2020 00:17

This is slightly long, please bear with me.

When DH and I first moved in together, he didn't have a great deal of furniture that was his (most of it borrowed), so we bought a lot of furniture and appliances together, splitting the cost half each.

We were also about to get engaged and he had told me he didn't know the kind of ring I'd like, so we went ring shopping together, where I tried on/showed him the style I liked. Meanwhile, I found a matching engagement and wedding set which was "the one" (pardon the pun), so I had the jeweller write all the details on a card, such as my ring size etc.

This is where it gets tricky. As mentioned earlier, we had spent money equally on furniture and appliances. We'd ordered a bedroom suite (but hadn't yet paid the balance) so I said to DH, seeing as he was going to be buying me the engagement/wedding set, that I would pay for the bedroom suite & he didn't need to give me half. He readily agreed.

When he actually did propose, he hadn't purchased the set I'd asked for, he hadn't even purchased a ring remotely like any of the ones I'd shown him while ring shopping together.

To put it mildly, I was devastated. I cried for weeks every time I looked at my finger

I've been accused of being ungrateful. He made a point about not knowing what I liked - so I showed him. I bought the bedroom suite, with the expectation he was going to buy the wedding set.

AIBU? Or he is a cheap sh*t.

OP posts:
Casualbride · 09/05/2020 08:59

I don’t really get the old fashioned thing that men should be expected to pay for a specific piece of jewelry when a couple make the joint decision to get married. And I’m not sure why the point is being made that he didn’t bring much furniture into the home when it sounds like you didn’t either, if you were both starting from scratch setting up a home then it was fair enough to go halves on furniture. Unless he earns loads more than you?
I can understand the disappointment and frustration that he chose a different ring though, what did he say when you asked him why he did that?

Teacher12345 · 09/05/2020 09:00

I smell bullshit. Mainly because OP hasn't returned but also because she is using DH. Are you already married? If so, and this is you slagging him off for something that happened years ago YABVU.

thepeopleversuswork · 09/05/2020 09:02

God I’m sorry but these ring threads just sound appallingly spoiled and entitled to me at the moment.

There was another one yesterday - pages of someone whining about not having the proposal she wanted.

Gaaaaah. You cried for weeks? If it’s that important to you to get a twee piece of metal right you need to take responsibility for getting it. Otherwise stop focusing on something unbelievably trivial and focus on the marriage.

Pelleas · 09/05/2020 09:02

This is what comes of the ridiculous nonsense of waiting for a 'proposal', when you have already agreed to get married and even looked at engagement rings.

I don't have very much sympathy. Your wedding and all its accoutrements should be something you arrange together, as adults. People who feel they have to enact an artificial proposal after marriage has been mutually agreed probably aren't emotionally mature enough to make a lifelong commitment.

You really need to tackle this in an adult way rather than weeping over your ring not being what you wanted.

A. Consider whether your fiancé totally ignoring what you said is a one-off or a repeating pattern - if the latter, do you want to tie yourself to him for life?
B. It's probably too late to exchange the ring now, so you can either accept it or start saving for a replacement.

Unravellingslowly · 09/05/2020 09:03

I cried for weeks every time I looked at my finger

Why didn’t you ask him to return it and get the one you had chosen?

lockdowngandt · 09/05/2020 09:08

Did you ask him why he didn't get the ring you showed him?
What did he say?

CurlyEndive · 09/05/2020 09:08

This situation is a bit weird to me because I'm of the school of thought that you pool all finances anyway when you get married. So it doesn't really matter who pays for what. But assuming you're keeping your finances separate then yes, I think his behaviour was a bit shitty.

PicklePig31 · 09/05/2020 09:13

I wouldn’t marry him.

I think this shows that ultimately your relationship is unequal. You think about him, but he doesn’t think about you.

I’d be having an inward look at the relationship...

Ellisandra · 09/05/2020 09:14

Cried for weeks?
If it was over the ring - over dramatic childish shite.
If it was over realising you’d made a mistake in being with him, fair enough.

So why didn’t you actually do anything?

dottiedodah · 09/05/2020 09:14

There seems to be an awful lot of ladies disappointed with their rings/proposals on here of late! He seems to come across as being rather thoughtless ,but maybe the ring set was out of his budget?Even so what is the point in buying something else entirely .I just dont get it .An engagement ring is the start of a new life together .Most women want to choose their own ring! Of you dont like it ,say to him you would like to change it .Also I dont see you are supposed to be "grateful" for a proposal! its 2020 FFS not 1950 . Should you have a "bottom drawer! as well ,and be waiting to be picked "off the shelf" by a handsome prince!

AppearingNormal · 09/05/2020 09:16

Did you give him the card with the details on it or leave it with the jeweller ? Christ, you aren't even married yet and you seem to have built up a load of resentment. I'm guessing you've talked this over with friends and family and they think you are overreacting, and came here to get confirmation you aren't. The problem is you can't talk honestly to the man you are about to promise to spend your life with. You're either a princess who expects people to magically understand your wants without voicing them very clearly to someone who appears a bit dense on the uptake, ( and that isn't 'oh thats nice' ) or he's a bit of a prat and you should opt out now. I suspect both may be true.

Leflic · 09/05/2020 09:18

If it’s that important to you to get a twee piece of metal right you need to take responsibility for getting it.
I think the Op thought she had.
What more can she do than write it all down including ring size and effectively pay towards it? All he had to was physically buy it and present it nicely.

icansmellburningleaves · 09/05/2020 09:19

Just buy the set you want. Without a photograph it’s difficult to know whether it really is a cheap and nasty horror or whether you’re being a drama queen. It’s all subjective anyway isn’t it. He might have thought it was beautiful. Another option is just wearing your wedding ring. Don’t fall into the trap of the other engagement ring moaner who is focusing on the engagement ring rather than the marriage.

pictish · 09/05/2020 09:22

We’ve debated this one this morning dh and I and we’re in the same camp...yanbu. Nothing to do with the furniture or any of that...why should a woman wear a ring she doesn’t like, isn’t to her taste and didn’t choose for the rest of her life simply because a man presented it to her?

Why did he choose another ring?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 09/05/2020 09:22

He's a cheap shit.

Make him sleep on the floor.

Seriously, though - at best he is thoughtless, at worst he doesn't give a monkey's. Ask yourself if you want to be with him for the rest of your life, as he grows more and more selfish.

GatoFofo · 09/05/2020 09:24

Wtf are a ‘bedroom suite’ and ‘wedding set’? That aside, either hand the ring back or accept it in good grace.
My own proposal and ring were equally begrudgingly offered, and I should have heeded the warning!

magicstar1 · 09/05/2020 09:25

Why did he not get the one you wanted?
My DH knows me very well, so he proposed with a lovely Claddagh ring, then took me ring shopping. I went through about three trays of rings before I found the perfect one, so he’d have had no chance.

LondonJax · 09/05/2020 09:27

My DH proposed to me with a Christmas Cracker ring! It was the most romantic thing ever and I actually wore the plastic ring for the week we were on holiday - he proposed abroad. That little ring sits in my jewellery box even now, almost 20 years later.

Then we went ring shopping together when we got back as he knows I'm really particular about my jewellery and he wanted me to have something I'd love. I don't like showy rings and like quite modern pieces. He told me the budget and I worked with that. In fact, he was pretty pleased as the ring I chose was half the amount he was planning to spend!

CaptainButtock · 09/05/2020 09:27

Good god Sad Who said romance was dead aye?

Cherrysoup · 09/05/2020 09:32

Haven’t you asked him why he didn’t get what you chose?

Toilenstripes · 09/05/2020 09:33

The OP might be American, based on the terminology being used. Anyway, sounds like you got ripped off OP! I understand you were trying to make it easier for your bf but he clearly didn’t uphold his end of the deal. He’s a tosser.

SoupDragon · 09/05/2020 09:34

Wtf are a ‘bedroom suite’ and ‘wedding set’?

It's fairly obvious they are 1) a set of bedroom furniture and 2) an engagement and wedding ring set (possibly eternity too).

SeriouslyRetro · 09/05/2020 09:37

Before we call him cheap, we need to know how much the ring you wanted cost, how much the bedroom furniture cost and how much the ring you ended up with cost?

He might be cheap, he might just have bad judgement.

HollysBush · 09/05/2020 09:38

It’s not much of a saga yet is it?

Flyinggeese · 09/05/2020 09:43

OP this isn't love, or the basis for a lifelong partnership! Not just about the ring itself but the whole transactional nature of it.