The epic ring saga

[savethatkitty]

This is slightly long, please bear with me.

When DH and I first moved in together, he didn't have a great deal of furniture that was his (most of it borrowed), so we bought a lot of furniture and appliances together, splitting the cost half each.

We were also about to get engaged and he had told me he didn't know the kind of ring I'd like, so we went ring shopping together, where I tried on/showed him the style I liked. Meanwhile, I found a matching engagement and wedding set which was "the one" (pardon the pun), so I had the jeweller write all the details on a card, such as my ring size etc.

This is where it gets tricky. As mentioned earlier, we had spent money equally on furniture and appliances. We'd ordered a bedroom suite (but hadn't yet paid the balance) so I said to DH, seeing as he was going to be buying me the engagement/wedding set, that I would pay for the bedroom suite & he didn't need to give me half. He readily agreed.

When he actually did propose, he hadn't purchased the set I'd asked for, he hadn't even purchased a ring remotely like any of the ones I'd shown him while ring shopping together.

To put it mildly, I was devastated. I cried for weeks every time I looked at my finger

I've been accused of being ungrateful. He made a point about not knowing what I liked - so I showed him. I bought the bedroom suite, with the expectation he was going to buy the wedding set.

AIBU? Or he is a cheap sh*t.

Same though, @HollysBush! Was just thinking - what's epic about this? "My DH didn't get me the engagement ring I asked for" would've done it.

I'm not an engagement ring person so hard to relate but no way would I be wearing a ring that made me cry just because of some tradition bullshit and an inability to communicate with the man I planned to marry. If it was so bad, you should've told him and exchanged it. Simple.

He bought you a cheap shitty ring despite you doing the mental and admin load and writing it down for him.....and made you foot the bill for the bathroom suite.
he did it knowingly and deliberately.
he deceived you, tricked you and broke an 'agreement' you'd made together...........and you still went ahead and married him.

i bet it's not the only thing he does that takes the piss out of you.

If it’s that important to you to get a twee piece of metal right you need to take responsibility for getting it
She found it, sized it, made sure it was available and even wrote the details down for him - all he had to do was hand the details over and pay the money.

He wouldn't/couldn't even do that.
He knows OP will settle for shit cos he's such a 'catch'.

He bought you a cheap shitty ring.

Did he? The OP doesn't actually say this.

despite you doing the mental and admin load and writing it down for him.

The jeweller wrote it down.

^Did he? The OP doesn't actually say this^
Her attitude says it all.

so what if the jeweller wrote it down? He still HAD the info, there was no 'work' involved in it for him.
He's been deliberately manipulative and deceitful - and got away with it.

It's not a failure to communicate. She communicated just fine.

Is the given ring of a similar value op?

Well normally I would say YABU because it hardly seems in the spirit of starting a life together - 'you can have this if I get that' etc., but at the same time I think it's bit a shit when he knew what you liked, to get you something completely different. If you don't like your ring, you're never going to like it. Was it significantly cheaper than 'your side of the bargain' - which is weird in itself tbh?

monkeymonkey sorry if not the most positive mindset. I think engagement rings are such a pointless load of shite tbh and to get upset about something like this now of all times just seems beyond spoiled.

He does seem to be a bit useless as well but the op should focus on his suitability as a life partner and not this utterly fatuous, grabby and retrograde piece of tat.

How do you plan to get engaged? Engaged means your are going to get married. As soon as you start planning it you are already engaged. What a load of nonsense.

I would give him the rings back, tell him you're keeping the furniture, and end the relationship.

Imagine having kids with him and being on maternity leave - a Tight, thieving selfish arse like your husband.

YANBU.

Honestly, think about whether you really want to marry this guy. He had not engaged (excuse the pun!) in any sort of thought about 'what would she like?' 'what would make her happy?'. Even if it was a misguided 'I'm sure she'll love this!' what was he thinking?! You'd said what you would love - you had also had a discussions vis a vis bathroom costs, so had been realistic about the financial aspect (not grabbing or purely transactional).

Honestly, my DH is quite like this (although even he understood I wanted to design my own engagement ring with a small jeweller and not pay big name prices). Some men aren't romantic, that is fine but this lack of intuition in terms of my feelings goes way beyond gift giving - have a think about whether it is the same for you. It can be lonely and isolating being married to someone who doesn't really 'get' you. They might tick lots of boxes on the surface in terms of funny, gentle, reliable - but inability to read you is a big issue IMO.

Your engagement ring is supposed to be a gift not a negotiation

The Eighteenth Century rang, they'd like their opinion back.

It's not a failure to communicate. She communicated just fine

After the fact. To say: I don't want this, take it back and get me the one I wanted. Or whatever form of words would mean this situation hadn't persisted needlessly with the crying etc. My point is that if I couldn't have an effective conversation with the the man I planned to marry, I wouldn't be marrying him. Doesn't matter which one of them is failing to broadcast or receive, the channel is fucked!

Just tell him you know it’s cheaper than than the bedroom set so he’s x in the red of an overall half of the costs. So next time something gets bought he needs to pay x more.

I agree with @herethereandeverywhere. It's not about the ring, it's about what it says about his attitude to the OP. The engagement ring isn't important in itself, only in terms of what it says about the relationship.

"Do I like this ring?" essentially means, "Does he understand me and what I like?"

"Has he gone to a lot of effort to choose a ring he thinks I will like?" means, "Is my happiness important to him?"

"He has chosen something that doesn't look like what we agreed upon together" means, "He has disregarded my choices because either my happiness isn't important to him or he thinks he knows best."

"He has bought something much cheaper than what we chose together" means, "Either he is mean with his money and will be mean with his love, or he can't afford what we chose together but doesn't know how to communicate with me about something as fundamental as his financial circumstances."

"We have to pay for everything exactly 50:50" means "We keep our money separate because we are not a team, and so I can't expect him to support me if I lose my job or take maternity leave."

I wouldn’t be bothered by the transactional nature of the engagement, DH and I didn’t have much money at the time, so shared the cost of my ring.
However, what I don’t understand is why you didn’t immediately take the ring back and exchange it? Why spend weeks crying over a ring ffs when the saga could have been remedied immediately?
You could have easily dealt with it like adults. You sound immature and he sounds like a potential cheapskate.

I’m confused too - what did he say when you asked where ‘your’ ring was? Do you know for a fact that the ring he purchased is cheaper?

I'd have laughed at him and sent him straight back with it. He can't even follow simple instructions. He had the easiest job to do on getting a ring. It was all written down for him and he couldn't follow it? Is he that stupid? It's a no then.

It's hardly an epic saga. I came in here hoping for hobbits and elves at the very least.

@ShinyMe that would be an epic adventure

so many people are making assumptions and judgements about a situation and we are only hearing one side of it, the fact is we DON'T know the full story.

He can't manage money, don't marry him. Cheap git.

and i say that because inspite of numerous questions op hasn't come back to comment or answer, her choice of course, but maybe she's not getting the full 100% poor you ltb response she hoped for.
you are aibu on mn and you will sometimes get the shit end of the stick.

I went to choose mine with my mother, put down a deposit, went home and told my oh to transfer the funds to the joint account. When the ring was ready I collected it with mother and paid for it. So your df now funds the "bedroom suite", you go and buy the rings you want. Sometimes romance is as much use as a handbrake on a horse. Despite choosing her engagement ring my mother grew to hate it. I was sent with my father to buy her eternity ring (I'd been shown which ring specifically, had tried it on so I could prove it fitted). He refused to buy it on the day and in the end didn't buy it at all. It was supposed to be her Christmas present. She wanted romance, that's not my dad. That was not a fun day. The lesson my mother refused to learn was if you want it, buy it yourself and present him with the bill. This may be the lesson you need to take on board. Remember jewelry is also a fashion choice. Solitaires were the fad when I got married now it's halo rings. My ring was relatively cheap but I knew I might change the design from solitaire at a later date so the jeweler said to focus on the stone quality as opposed to design. Don't get upset, be practical, learn the lesson. Make it clear that next time any further purchase will be discussed but will be bought to prevent a repeat performance.