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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The epic ring saga

127 replies

savethatkitty · 09/05/2020 00:17

This is slightly long, please bear with me.

When DH and I first moved in together, he didn't have a great deal of furniture that was his (most of it borrowed), so we bought a lot of furniture and appliances together, splitting the cost half each.

We were also about to get engaged and he had told me he didn't know the kind of ring I'd like, so we went ring shopping together, where I tried on/showed him the style I liked. Meanwhile, I found a matching engagement and wedding set which was "the one" (pardon the pun), so I had the jeweller write all the details on a card, such as my ring size etc.

This is where it gets tricky. As mentioned earlier, we had spent money equally on furniture and appliances. We'd ordered a bedroom suite (but hadn't yet paid the balance) so I said to DH, seeing as he was going to be buying me the engagement/wedding set, that I would pay for the bedroom suite & he didn't need to give me half. He readily agreed.

When he actually did propose, he hadn't purchased the set I'd asked for, he hadn't even purchased a ring remotely like any of the ones I'd shown him while ring shopping together.

To put it mildly, I was devastated. I cried for weeks every time I looked at my finger

I've been accused of being ungrateful. He made a point about not knowing what I liked - so I showed him. I bought the bedroom suite, with the expectation he was going to buy the wedding set.

AIBU? Or he is a cheap sh*t.

OP posts:
vixxo · 09/05/2020 01:45

He's a cheap shit, sorry. And to accuse you of being ungrateful....oh my gosh if a guy did that to me I'd walk away, it's such a turn off.

timeisnotaline · 09/05/2020 01:46

This is not cool. You’ve paid at least half, have said what you like and you have to wear it for the rest of your life. Ask him to return it, and say you will go with him to return it in case that jeweller can do you one you like.
He might be struggling financially but thats no reason to let you bear more costs than him and skimp on a ring without talking to you about it. Don’t accept this, it would be a terrible way to start an engagement.
Another one who thinks there is a solid possibility he’s gone cheaper.

CrystalTipped · 09/05/2020 01:47

You find a lot of people on this forum who act like you should be grateful for anything you're presented with. And why not, it's only going to be on your hand for potentially the rest of your life... I'm a bit disappointed I'm too early for the usual comment from someone who cherishes their coke can ring pull engagement ring like it was the Hope Diamond.

It's not like this was the super romantic set up to begin with, so stop crying and put your cards on the table. You don't like the ring set, it's not the one agreed. He needs to return it and get the right one.

Notanotheruser111 · 09/05/2020 01:58

The thing is even if the one you chose was too expensive, he could have got one in the same style with a cheaper stone. The fact that he asked you, then totally ignored what you said is the bit that would piss me off. Does he often do this or look like he is listening during a conversation. And then do exactly the opposite of what you discussed.

Think about it because if you do go on to get married and especially if you have kids, it is a really annoying trait, trust me.

Durgasarrow · 09/05/2020 02:00

Do not marry him. Your instincts are correct. Give him that ugly ring back and keep the bedroom furniture that you bought. At least you can say you own it free and clear;

TenShortStories · 09/05/2020 02:01

How unreasonable he was largely depends on what actually happened in the shop when he went back in. Did they explain what you wanted or just show him with no explanation? Did he go for the cheapest thing or did he buy (mistakenly) something he thought you'd love. Have you both been sulking or talking (not grumbling) about it all?

The whole thing sounds a bit tit-for-tat now which is not good news.

1forAll74 · 09/05/2020 02:07

You cried when you looked at your finger.? It's all too much, reading about all these ridiculous ring disappointments.!

Rainbowqueeen · 09/05/2020 02:10

So you did something nice and thoughtful for someone who is supposed to be on your team and he did something thoughtless selfish and dishonest. And is now trying to make you feel bad about it.
The only way I’d be able to move forward from this would be if he showed remorse, was honest with you about his reasons and I felt like he truly understood what a horrible thing to do it was.
Otherwise you’ll simply be in for years and years of this kind of behaviour. Cut your losses now, married or not

tillytown · 09/05/2020 02:12

YANBU, he knew what you wanted, he didn't care. I have no idea where this mentality that you should be eternally grateful for any scrape of attention/gift/whatever a man gives you came from, but its bullshit. You made a joint decision, he went back on it. You should have asked him to return the ring and go get the ring you, the person who has to wear it, asked for, paid half for, and wanted. I'm kinda confused why you didn't

tillytown · 09/05/2020 02:15

1forAll74 - she paid for the ring she wanted, he got her a different one. Its not ring disappointment, or the OP overreacting, its her husband leading her on and lying to her

Soon2BeMumof3 · 09/05/2020 02:26

You married him after that?

The fact that it was an engagement ring is a red herring. Put that aside and ignore any comments suggesting women should be thrilled with any ring. Here's what you know:

He agreed to offset the cost of the ring (a gift meant to symbol love and devotion) with a joint purchase.
He reneged on the 'deal'
He asked you what you wanted, then ignored you.
He is now gaslighting you.
He is cheap.
Why didn't a grown man have any furniture anyway?

He sounds like a dud.

But we need more information.

Was the ring he gave you significantly cheaper?

Why didn't he buy the ring you choose? Did he have a reason?

Also if you are literally crying every time you look at your hand that is just silly. I hope you mean you just feel sad or something. You need to grow up a bit as well, address the problems in your relationship. The ring is just a symbol.

Ijustreallywantacat · 09/05/2020 02:27

Have you had this conversation with him?

Beautiful3 · 09/05/2020 03:04

Can he return it?

Shoxfordian · 09/05/2020 07:25

Don't marry him

Figgygal · 09/05/2020 07:29

I’ve said YABU but that’s more due to the transactional nature of ill buy the furniture if you buy me the ring I want. I do think it odd he’s gone out of his way to see what styles you’d like then disregard your feedback though.

GabriellaMontez · 09/05/2020 07:30

When was this?

I think he's cheap and a cheeky fucker. Consider this a warning. Especially his reaction to your disappointment.

And as a pp said. Is everything else totally ok?

fuckinghellthisshit · 09/05/2020 07:46

How long ago was this?

heartsonacake · 09/05/2020 07:48

This is all very weird and overdramatic. Using a wedding ring as a transaction? Crying for weeks over not getting what you want?

Confused
SunshineCake · 09/05/2020 07:52

Hmm..

Not good but if she's married him..

slipperywhensparticus · 09/05/2020 07:58

Buyer beware

AJPTaylor · 09/05/2020 08:01

Ok. I give up.
How much was the ring?.
How much was the furniture?

R2519 · 09/05/2020 08:05

Is the ring cheap one or cheaper than the one you agreed on getting with him? If do then he is a cheap prick. If not and its more expensive then I wouldn't say he wad cheap but would question ehh he asked for your input then ignores it.

Coffeecak3 · 09/05/2020 08:08

If the ring was a lot cheaper than the bedroom suite then he is a cheap shit.
Do you have shared finances?
My ds bought my dil the cheapest ring possible because she loses everything. I still think he was wrong to do so. But in terms of finances they are very much a team.

CodenameVillanelle · 09/05/2020 08:08

What was his reason for buying a different ring?

thatonehasalittlecar · 09/05/2020 08:10

Either you subscribe to the ludicrous notion of men buying engagement rings (and all the tedious misogyny that goes with it), in which case, it’s his money to purchase what he wants, or you want to have a more equal partnership, so you share finances and buy things (like the ring) together. To everyone suggesting she’s been robbed because she paid for the bedroom suite - how does that work? She uses it, too - whereas the ring is just for her, and he paid for all of it. He’s the one out of pocket and getting moaned at for the privilege. If you hate the ring, sell it and buy the one you like. And if you really care about the money, do the maths and make sure the entire deal has been split 50/50. How romantic.

YABU