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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The epic ring saga

127 replies

savethatkitty · 09/05/2020 00:17

This is slightly long, please bear with me.

When DH and I first moved in together, he didn't have a great deal of furniture that was his (most of it borrowed), so we bought a lot of furniture and appliances together, splitting the cost half each.

We were also about to get engaged and he had told me he didn't know the kind of ring I'd like, so we went ring shopping together, where I tried on/showed him the style I liked. Meanwhile, I found a matching engagement and wedding set which was "the one" (pardon the pun), so I had the jeweller write all the details on a card, such as my ring size etc.

This is where it gets tricky. As mentioned earlier, we had spent money equally on furniture and appliances. We'd ordered a bedroom suite (but hadn't yet paid the balance) so I said to DH, seeing as he was going to be buying me the engagement/wedding set, that I would pay for the bedroom suite & he didn't need to give me half. He readily agreed.

When he actually did propose, he hadn't purchased the set I'd asked for, he hadn't even purchased a ring remotely like any of the ones I'd shown him while ring shopping together.

To put it mildly, I was devastated. I cried for weeks every time I looked at my finger

I've been accused of being ungrateful. He made a point about not knowing what I liked - so I showed him. I bought the bedroom suite, with the expectation he was going to buy the wedding set.

AIBU? Or he is a cheap sh*t.

OP posts:

Ninkanink · 09/05/2020 08:12

I would give the ring back, and that would be that for us.

If he can’t be bothered to get things right he’s not the one for you (as long as he comfortably had the money to spend, of course).

Pinkyyy · 09/05/2020 08:12

I think YABVU. Especially the fact that you "cried for weeks". How ungrateful can you be? You might as well have bought the one you liked yourself.

pussycatinboots · 09/05/2020 08:14

I don't know why you didn't nip this in the bud at the time and tell him it wasn't the ring you'd both seen/chosen, and return it and swap it for the set?
Either way, you married him 🤷🏻‍♀️

LouHotel · 09/05/2020 08:16

If you have the box you should be able to find out how much the ring was from the website or shop, I would do that first before asking for the receipt. But yeah if he's bought you a much cheaper ring and you've paid for a bedroom set then this is the type of story that mumsnetters post years later as 'he did this when we were first engaged but I thought it was a one off and still married him, now we have two kids and I'm paying for all the kids needs out of my part time salary'

pinkyredrose · 09/05/2020 08:16

What did he say when you asked him why he bought a different ring?

Pinkyyy · 09/05/2020 08:18

An engagement ring should not be transactional. The fact that you paid for the bedroom is your own choice. The value of the ring is irrelevant to that.

Bluntness100 · 09/05/2020 08:20

Did he buy a much cheaper ring is that the issue? Does he have financial constraints?

I think crying for weeks at a time every time you look at your finger is a bit extreme, is there other issues?

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 09/05/2020 08:20

The actual ring thing is less important than the fact that he is annoyed with you for being upset and insisting that you should be grateful instead. You can't go through an entire life with him not allowing you have emotions that he doesn't like, or with him doing what suits him best and you having to pretend that you are grateful for whatever crumbs he throws you.

vanillandhoney · 09/05/2020 08:21

What a bizarre post.

An engagement ring shouldn't be transactional in the way you describe. You paid for the bathroom so he could afford the engagement ring? I'm afraid it doesn't really make sense to me - it's hardly romantic is it!

But seeing as you're referring to him as DH I assume you've married him anyway, so what's the point in fretting over it now?

Campurp · 09/05/2020 08:24

How do we know he’s cheap? How much is the ring you received vs the ring you wanted?

ANoiseAnnoys · 09/05/2020 08:29

You need to answer some questions before I can make a d3cision!

do you know how much the ring he bought you cost compared to the one you wanted? Do you know for sure it was cheaper?
when he presented it to you, why didn’t you tell him you thought you had an agreement that he was buying the one you specifically wanted and exchange it? It’s not like you hadn’t already discussed it.

If he has gone out and bought you a ring of the same price, or more, that he maybe thought you would prefer to the other one - then that is different matter to him going and buying you a £100 ring when the one you wanted was £1k in order to save himself a few bob after you had made an agreement.

CeibaTree · 09/05/2020 08:32

I think you and your DH have strange issues around money. Why on earth did you think it was fair to swap an engagement ring for a bedroom suite. How did you even come up with that idea? An engagement ring should be a completely separate transaction from splitting household furnishing costs. Did he buy a ring equal to the value of the bedroom suite? Is that why you didn't get the (presumably more expensive) set that you wanted? I would still be pissed off about this years later too OP. You are definitely not being unreasonable.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 09/05/2020 08:37

or you want to have a more equal partnership, so you share finances and buy things (like the ring) together.

DH and I are a completely equal partnership. We make big decisions together, we have joint finances so everything is paid for equally and we raise our DD together.

He also chose my ring. He’d bought me jewellery in the past and I’ve always loved it. If he had a bad history of buying things I didn’t like, maybe I would have asked to have been involved. He has excellent taste and chose me a perfect ring. He saw it as more of a gift to me (I bought him an engagement watch).

Do you insist everyone runs their birthday/Christmas present purchases by you too?

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/05/2020 08:40

What has he been like since you married? Did he maybe think he’d keep the money and put it toward a deposit on a house? Or has he been a cheap skate since?

If I was bought this ring, I don’t think I could go ahead with the marriage.

SnaccidentsHappen · 09/05/2020 08:43

He is BU and you have every right to be disappointed. His previous actions lead you to believe that he wanted to get you a ring that you liked and that he would then get that ring. It's completely thoughtless on his part, and I think he has mislead you.

A lot of people will say it shouldn't matter what the ring looks like, but if you don't like it then fair enough and every-time you look at it you will be disappointed.

That's my opinion.

SoupDragon · 09/05/2020 08:46

Why did you marry him when you think he is a cheap shit?

thatonehasalittlecar · 09/05/2020 08:49

BeingaTwatisaBingThing

I think you misunderstood my post. I was making the point that if everything must be an equal transaction (ie bedroom suite for engagement ring) then why not buy them together, rather than this ridiculous scenario where she prescribes his purchase in a distanced way?

I wasn’t suggesting the only way to be equal is to split everything 50/50 and make all decisions together. And I think your husband did better with an engagement watch, rather than half an engagement bedroom suite 😆

SoupDragon · 09/05/2020 08:52

Did you ever ask him why he bought a different ring?

peperethecat · 09/05/2020 08:53

I'm not sure about the timings of this. Have you since married him? How long ago did all this happen?

I generally take the view that an engagement ring is supposed to be a sign of the man's love and commitment to the woman, and so what it stands for is more important than what it looks like. That said, my own engagement ring might not be exactly what I would have chosen (he played it safe with a single diamond rather than going for anything more unusual in terms of colours or patterns) but it looks perfectly fine on my hand. I don't know how I would feel if it looked bad in some way.

However, if you and your husband went ring shopping together because he didn't know what you liked, and you found a ring which was presumably within his budget and he had the details, it is really odd for him to then go and buy you something else. The only reason for the couple to go shopping together and effectively ruin the surprise of the proposal is if the man doesn't want the woman to have to wear a ring she doesn't like for the rest of her life, and isn't confident enough to choose one he knows she will like. Your husband didn't surprise you with a proposal because he took you ring shopping beforehand, but also didn't buy the ring you'd chosen together. It's odd.

In general I don't think this sort of thing should be the be all and end all in a relationship. But your relationship sounds oddly transactional. This business of having to make sure that each of you has contributed the same amount on household items to the penny sounds kind of exhausting, and not really in the spirit of marriage.

Has this continued since you got married? (Assuming you are now married.) Because once you are married the law considers the two of you to be one financial unit. His money is your money and your money and his money. This will be especially important if there is a significant disparity in your earnings or when you have children. If he going to expect you to pay for exactly half of everything when you're on maternity leave too?

NellMangel · 09/05/2020 08:56

I've voted yanbu. It was a joint decision, which it should be given you are the one wearing the ring. In effect you paid half of it cos of the bathroom payment.

I'd be interested to know what he has said about it. Did he naively think he had found a better ring? Is he skint and has bought the one he can afford?

I'm going to be honest and say it's not a good start. This was an important decision and he has dismissed your preferences. It's not about the ring, it's about the disregard of feelings and the inability to communicate with you about his intentions. X

saleorbouy · 09/05/2020 08:56

How do you know he's a cheap s#it? The ring might have cost more and have a better clarity stone which might not be discerning to the eye. Anyway you accepted the ring and the proposal so, sorry it's tough now, you'll have to learn to love it.

sonjadog · 09/05/2020 08:57

Yes, he sounds like a cheap shit to me. It would make me wary of marrying him. Is this typical of his attitude to you and your relationship ship?

recycledteenager24 · 09/05/2020 08:58

it would be good if op would be able to answer some of the many questions asked.
must admit i don't get the 'crying for weeks' bit over a ring though

DobbyLovesSocks · 09/05/2020 08:59

If it wasn't the ring you wanted why did you say yes?
When my DH proposed he simply blurted out 'marry me'. There was no plan, no discussion. The thought popped into his head and he asked me. I said yes and then when we had calmed down a bit he suggested we go out the next day and choose a ring. He wanted me to choose the ring as 'you are the one wearing it you need to be happy with it'. We then went and I chose a ring - it had to be ordered as they didn't have my size and when the ring arrived my DH got down on one knee and then proposed again with my ring.

If your DH (did you marry him if you called him that?) went against your wishes this is a bad start and I wonder what else he will go against you on and then blame you for feeling upset. These are the type of men who will hit you and then say it was your fault.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 09/05/2020 08:59

And I think your husband did better with an engagement watch, rather than half an engagement bedroom suite

I don’t know. He doesn’t wear the watch anymore but still uses our £1000 bed every night.

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