I think it's unacceptable to go through a teenagers phone

[orangedod]

Am I the only one? I hope I'm not the only one.

I see so many threads and hear so many mums talking about going through teenagers phones and I really disagree with it.

I completely understand about keeping them safe but to me it seems like a major invasion of privacy. I know full well that my mum never went through mine and there was a massive trust there.

What's everyone's stance on this? Am I alone in my opinion?

I agree

I disagree.
Teenagers are vulnerable and privacy must be balanced with keeping them safe. Internet grooming, cyber bullying, etc etc.

A 'never look at your teens phone, regardless' policy is failing them as much as not giving them any privacy is.

It's also age dependent. A 13 year old needs a more watchful eye than a 17 year old.

People think that talking about internet safety is enough. They are wrong.

I pay the bill, my teens are under my care, if I choose to look through their phone for their own protection, I will.

I disagree with giving them total privacy and access to the web and nearly anyone in the world without adequate supervision 🤷‍♀️

I don’t agree.

I have seen too many fall foul of awful things on phones.

I won’t look routinely, but I would expect access if I asked for it.

My parents let me do whatever I wanted online during dialup days. I spent a lot of time in my early teens sexting older men. It was my main hobby actually. Thank god there was no such thing as whisper or Snapchat back then and it was just javachatrooms with men on the other side of the world.

I disagree sorry. My dd is 13 and although I don't check it that often, she is aware I can and will check her phone as I wish. The agreement we had when she was given the phone was until she is 16 I have the code for her phone. If she changes it without telling me she loses the phone.

It's called responsible parenting. When I was growing up we spoke to friends from the house phone in the same room as our parents. There was no Internet or mobile phones. We don't have that security anymore. Anyone can talk to a child/teen on a mobile or onot social media. It's a parents responsibility to keep that child/teen safe from predators online so we check phones. 8m guessing because you had a mobile as a teen you don't yet have teens yourself. Give it time.

Most permissive parents I know seem very naive and oblivious to the variety of risks.

I never had one when I was growing up.

There are a huge number of potential risks with internet use and I’m still learning as well as my teenage dc.

I pay for it on the proviso that if I have any concerns, I am able to look at it.

I disagree. Up to 16 spot checking is acceptable in this house.

It's 100% reasonable to go through their phone
It is 100% unreasonable to go through their phone without their knowledge.

You should talk to them before and discuss boundaries before them getting a phone, and make the fact that you will be checking it known and agreed to as part of the condition of getting it.

The internet can be dangerous and children do need to be monitored online. Younger teens should be getting regular checks but ease it off with age as your child builds up trust with you. Once they are 18 it starts being unacceptable to check it.

Some of us never had a phone until adulthood. My kids are too young yet, but I'm fully expecting to get them a phone when the time comes with the condition that I have right of access. Probably until they are 16. I'm aware of a lot of bullying and misbehaviour among teens, and my eldest will need help to navigate that. My younger child seems to have mastered social interactions better than anyone else in the family so I'm hoping for less hassle from him, but it is a long while away.

It depends on the situation. Looking through their phone behind their back, not ok. But, having a smart phone at the age of 13 comes with a huge range of potential issues, and I’d want an open conversation on purchase of said phone that I had access to passwords etc and would ask to look at the phone randomly. There is a difference too between scanning messages and apps for bullying / inappropriate messages etc, and reading in depth personal messages too.

Depends.

19 year old - absolutely.

13 year old - no, personally, the only way my children will be having smartphones is if they are kept password free, in my bedroom over night and they allow me to look at the phone if I feel it’s necessary. Not saying I will be looking at it every night because I absolutely wouldn’t, but yes, sometimes.

I teach far to many teenagers, and know exactly what they get up to. Even the lovely kids, in top set, whose parents say ‘but they don’t drink, they are very mature and really prefer being with their dad and I’, fall victim to grooming, online bullying, excessive internet use, sexting, taking nudes, accessing self harm Instagram pages, following and aspiring to extremely Slim models and having this affect their behaviour.

Are you a parent op? If so, how old are your dc?

Disagree completely

I totally disagree.

Too many people let young teenagers have complete freedom with phones and social media and then are surprised when there is bother

There is a massive difference between a 13 year old and a 19 year old.
I'd say scanning through phone messages of a 13 year old is responsible parenting.
I'd be surprised if many 19 year olds require that level of supervision.

You have to. You are responsible for their safety. They could be prosecuted if they have or send illegal images for example. I just made it clear when mine first got their phone and why. The same with any internet access. As parents we need access to history because we are responsible for our IP address as well as our children's safety.

My stance was that I always warned my teens that I would check their phones if I had reason to be seriously concerned about them but I never did. Thank god they were relatively good teens or they were good at hiding stuff.

But I certainly would have done if was scared for their safety or well-being or though they were somehow at risk.

I wonder, OP, if you have had teens of your own or is this just speculation. It all feels a bit different when you are dealing with it.

It depends what age they are. Theres a huge difference between 13 and 19!
13 to just about 16 I strongly disagree with you.
I work with teens and the issues we have to deal with around sexting, Cyber bullying ( both being a perpetrator or victim) etc is unbelievable.
Kids can unwittingly get drawn into problems despite having internet safety training.
It doesnt do any harm to do your best to keep your children safe and them to know that you can access their history.
Also, I think it's a good thing to remind them a phone is a privilege not a right if they object.

I think it is okay to do it, but I also think that the teenager should know, when they get the phone, that parents will expect to do this from time to time. And that it's not about failing to trust them, it's about protecting them. E.g. if a boy asks your teenage daughter to send him naked pics, it's a lot easier for her to say 'No, because my mum checks my phone.'

Do you have a teenager OP? It is my job to keep my child safe and if that means supervising what she does on line, so be it. I pay the bill, her side of the bargain is not to abuse the privilege. She is a child and to let her have unfettered access to whatever she wants is not the way I choose to raise her.

Recent thread here about a 12 year old sending nude pictures of herself to a stranger who was harassing her on Instagram. Her mother thought she was clued in to online safety. It was a salutary lesson.

We gave our kids mobiles based on two understandings:

1. They remain our property. We pay for the phones and the plans, they remain ours, to giveth, and to taketh away.

1. If we feel we need to check their phone, we have that right and responsibility, and they are required to do all they can to facilitate this. If not, see (1) above.

In saying that, we would only do this if we had a concern. Instead, when they have had bullying via mobile, attempts to get them to send nude pics, etc, they've come to us, shown us what was up, and have been part of the process of finding very effective solutions. So we have a fairly high trust situation.

But rules (1) and (2) still apply.