I think it's unacceptable to go through a teenagers phone

[orangedod]

Am I the only one? I hope I'm not the only one.

I see so many threads and hear so many mums talking about going through teenagers phones and I really disagree with it.

I completely understand about keeping them safe but to me it seems like a major invasion of privacy. I know full well that my mum never went through mine and there was a massive trust there.

What's everyone's stance on this? Am I alone in my opinion?

Do you remember the sad families of those three girls groomed by ISIS who went to Iraq. They were quiet studious girls with ambitions who probably would not be allowed out much with people from outside their families. Yet unknown men were essentially coming into their bedrooms and grooming them.

FWIW I never had to check my teenagers phones but if I was worried about their safety or wellbeing, I would have done. We saw some real car crashes in terms of kids going off the rails, including one arrested for possessing Grade A pornoograpy and two dying of overdoses..

What I found most amazing was warning a mother that her 12 year old son was sending my DD unacceptable messages (actually threatening to rape her, though I don't think he meant it in a practical sense) and the mum dismissing it as 'boys will be boys'. I should have told the school instead, but reckoned that would have caused the boy to be suspended or even expelled, so decided to warn the mum she needed to keep an eye on him. Other parents are very strange.

I don't think you actually have teenage children OP?

Do people who aren't checking their child's phones have any idea how prevalent videos normalising and even glamourising eating disorders, self-harm and suicide are on Tik Tok? How much bullying and sexual harassment goes on over Instagram? I've worked with kids whose parents who were completely shocked to discover their child had been contacted by a man demanding naked photos over social media because "she's not on social media, she's only on WhatsApp". They didn't really know what WhatsApp was or that strangers could contact her on it. So many parents bury their heads in the sand when it comes to the risks their children are exposed to online.

@PlanDeRaccordement you can try to raise them in a certain way, and do everything right, but they have minds of their own. You can't possibly be sure that they are going to come to you with everything.

But they need their phone for homework, school, paying for items. All sorts of things. What about laptops they need them for work?

I have sat my daughter down and explained that if she wants a phone there are rules. One of those is that I can request to look at it every now and again. I am paying the bill and I am responsible for her. From the experience, I have been privy to a large proportion of parents are clueless as to what the hell is going on in their children lives and are subsequently shocked when things go wrong. One of her friends was fat-shamed by half the girls in the class, she wasn't even remotely fat and what they did to that girl online was bloody disgusting, the parents were clueless because it's their privacy that's being invaded. So yes I will check what's going on because a) I know if my DD is involved b) I know if she's being safe c) I know she's dealing appropriately with content she is coming across.

Oh please op. You grew up in a very different time. I doubt parents do it for fun. it's mostly to ensure that these children are being safe and protected.

@tootiredtoconga hear hear!

It’s scary how oblivious some parents can be.

And OP by thinking that just because yo were fine not being checked, doesn’t mean it shouldn’t happen.

Only takes a quick visit to sites like CEOP to see how very dangerous the internet can be.

I pay for the phone so I have the password.

One kid showed DS and some other kids porn at school and he told me what happened that evening. He knew it was serious and didn't keep it secret. The head was brilliant.

I thought organisations like the police, NSPCC recommend that you do this. It was a condition when DS got his first phone that we would have access to it, and he was fine with that. In fact he would always come to me when he first got Instagram to check whether it was ok to add certain people, which I felt was a much better approach than other families must have had looking at the number of adult followers a number of the girls had on their accounts, and this would have been Y7.

But they need their phone for homework, school, paying for items. All sorts of things. What about laptops they need them for work?

Homework can be done in the house with supervised access to the laptop. They don't need smartphones to travel to school - the one time my DD1 lost her phone for behaviour she had a brick phone to make emergency calls. They certainly don't need their phone for paying for stuff.

My mum never checked my phone either but SM wasn't a thing then like it is now - short of an unlucky 'wrong number' message, strangers before wouldn't have been able to talk to a teenager. Now the dangers are very different, there are so many apps whereby someone can contact your child, talk to them, pretend to be anyone they want etc. You'd be mad not to keep an eye on that, especially if you have a younger teen.

Also half of it disappears. You won’t get to see it. They don’t use texts to converse.

You can do everything right, teach them to be safe, give them all the skills...... and then the teenage brain with all its risk taking ways has a brain fart and does something dangerous, stupid and possibly future wrecking.

Mostly it’s luck not trust that gets them through unscathed.

So YABU because there’s always a time and a place for monitoring anything that could ruin their lives for one wreckless moment. Checking on their welfare is not less important than privacy.

There is a fine line between allowing your child the privacy they need and giving the protection that they need by not allowing them the privacy they may want.

It's like anything else in life. I make sure my kids have what they need, but they don't always get what they want.

@Fi3ldTrip you seem to think that all adults are oblivious to the workings of Snapchat/Instagram/apps that hide certain photographs and messages etc. We are not.

Mine do need phones for school. A lot of homework is screenshots. They’ve needed to use phones in class at times and need group chats etc for set work. I’ve Confiscated phones before for other things and it’s a massive pain in the arse. Don’t have space downstairs for 3 kids to work and they need quiet. They can easily close down tabs they don’t want you to see, get into private chats, delete history..... Are you going to stand over them all evening?

@Fi3ldTrip if the device has been confiscate but is 100%needed for homework (unlikely, but let’s assume the only possible way to do their homework is on their own phone...) then it is done underneath direct supervisor and returned immediately.

If they need to pay for things. There’s these magic metal discs and paper rectangles called... cash.

So how do you get round that Rowena?

Yabu there was a thread recently about a 12 year old sending nude pictures of herself to a stranger. He'd been hassling her prior to that, if her phone had been checked by an adult it might not have happened.

Obviously checking a 16/17/18yo phone is unreasonable but younger teens need an eye kept on them and no phones in bedroom at night. I don't think I agree with reading whole conversations between friends though just checking who they're talking to and if they have social media accounts keeping an eye on privacy settings etc.

Completely disagree while they are under 16 and you are paying the bill. I’m not searching my kids phones every night, and I’m a fairly relaxed parent, but I’m their parent and my job is to keep them safe. Fortunately, we’re all fairly relaxed in our household and share apps (my 14yo DD has my Amazon account in her phone, for example, so looking at each other’s phone isn’t a big deal).

Their schools are cashless and they need to take the phones to get the homework on there.

It’s scary how oblivious some parents can be.

It's bizarre to me how many don't know how SnapChat/Instagram/WhatsApp work

So many seem to say "Oh I don't use it so I don't know"

I've never used SnapChat in my life, but I have teens therefore I know how it works. You have to educate yourself so you know how to keep your kids safe

Do parents think their teenagers shouldn't be taking about sex? 16 is the legal age to have sex, surely it's to be expected that they fall about it before that age
This must be the mist naive statement on this thread. Most parents,I guess, wouldnt have young people talking to peers about sex. There are bigger threats to children than that.
I always said to mine that it's the internet and people who are not who they say they are and pretend friends that's the issue.

So share. How do you get round the chatting sites where conversations disappear?