I think it's unacceptable to go through a teenagers phone

[orangedod]

Am I the only one? I hope I'm not the only one.

I see so many threads and hear so many mums talking about going through teenagers phones and I really disagree with it.

I completely understand about keeping them safe but to me it seems like a major invasion of privacy. I know full well that my mum never went through mine and there was a massive trust there.

What's everyone's stance on this? Am I alone in my opinion?

I think it's irresponsible not to check a young teenager's phone. There clearly has to be a cutoff point where you stand back a bit, but until they can understand risks properly (strangers, sending photos, giving away personal info) I think it's important to keep an eye on what is going on.

You're crazy if you allow your 13 year old unfettered access to the web.

My mum never checked my access and I would happily have run off with a paedophile. Honestly. Kids make bad choices that's what parents are for.

Well a thirteen year old is very different to a nineteen year old. I would absolutely look through my thirteen year olds phone but wouldn’t my nineteen year olds.

I disagree.
I spot check my 13yr olds phone every few days. He's a sensible kid but it's not worth the risk. His whatsapp class chats are hilarious whenever I've scanned them.

I'm utterly grateful that in his group of friends several of the parents also spot check phones.

I don’t regularly check my 15 year old dd’s phone but there had been times when I had to due to a serious incident at school.
I would continue even at 17 if I thought she was being groomed/incited to send indecent images of herself.

I check my sons sometimes. I used to look alot but not as much now. I'm glad I did as awhile ago his friend had sent him something that had to involve the police and social services. My son hadn't told me as he didn't want to be a snitch apparently.

You’re incredibly naive if you think you can trust a 13 year old with a smart phone and not check it. A study by CEOPS showed the majority of smart phones owned by teenagers had no parental controls on them at all - so that’s full access to every adult site going. So a parent NOT prepared to check when necessary is entirely negligent in my mind. An older teenager 17 / 18 years of course deserves a greater degree of autonomy & trust.

I’d call it being a responsible parent to check!

It’s not un heard of for teens to send nudes, sex text, or just receive plain nasty texts, also good to see if the little words have downloaded Instagram etc when you’ve said no

Any parent not checking the phone is quite frankly a very stupid parent indeed. You can think oh that would never be my Jane or Johnny....except one day it then is

I sort of agree. Mine are well beyond the teenage years now, but they were the last generation of teens not to have smartphones because they weren't available, all they could do was text. I never checked their phones because I considered it an invasion of their privacy, and wanted to show that I trusted them. It was always made clear that they should come to me or DH if there were any issues. They were aware that we might check their phones if we had concerns, but would prefer them to come to us, and at various times all of them did so. I've always felt that trust on both sides was important.

However. If I had teens now, with smartphones that are essentially mini computers with all that functionality and access to the internet, it opens up a whole potential can of worms and I think I might take a different view. I'm glad I don't have to deal with that issue, actually.

I was involved in some child protection training with the police in which a number of schools officers had to leave in the middle. It transpired a kid had been sent video of a man raping a small child and had sent it to all his / her friends. Big problem! Wake up.

I didn't, mainly because I never felt the need to but until they hit later teens (youngest is 16 now) it was a requirement of me paying for the phone that they told me the password and that I was given access if I asked for it. At the age they are now, anything stupid they do is going to have to be a 'learning experience' because they're more than old enough to know better...

I agree. I have no trust with my parents because of this.
Do parents think their teenagers shouldn't be taking about sex? 16 is the legal age to have sex, surely it's to be expected that they fall about it before that age? The thought of my dad reading my sexual messages is revolting and an invasion of privacy. At what age is your child allowed privacy? If your husband pays for your phone while you're not earning does that mean he has the right to through your phone?

It’s irresponsible not to check. As a teacher the parents that do cut out a lot of the child protection issues we have to deal with.

Up to a point, my DD is 15 and at least two of her friends mum's look at every single message sent/received. I think that is a bit much.

She knows that she has to hand it over if we ask.

I agree it's unreasonable if it's for no reason other than to check up on them as it implies a degree of distrust and that can be detrimental to a relationship however if you have a reason to be worried I don't think it's wrong. It's hard to make that decision though as you want them to be safe and it can be difficult to balance trusting them and letting them grow up with their own private life and protecting them from dangerous situations. I found keeping an open and honest dialogue with my DC and not being too judgemental about some of their decisions helped. I think knowing I was there to help and that they could talk to me about anything helped us build a close relationship.

Yabu. My mum never went through mine. If she had, perhaps I’d have been protected from things better.

I think it is both sensible and acceptable to check phones up to age 16, reducing the frequency of the checks from almost daily when they first get a phone (usually age 11 these days) to a lot less as they progress through their teens.

I disagree. We made it clear to my DD when she got her phone that she had it on condition that we would check it periodically. She knows and therefore can choose what she posts/writes/browses etc in the knowledge that we will be aware of it.

I feel that it is irresponsible to allow a young teen to have a phone and not check that they are staying safe. I have heard horror stories from an FBI agent and the lengths some paedophiles go to and the technology they use to trick people is terrifying.

I get a lot of stick from other parents because I'm "ridiculously" strict. Mine don't get their phones overnight (which includes sleepovers - everyone is told well in advance though so those that aren't comfortable with it can decline) and I check them as and when I feel necessary. Amusingly DS1 still leaves his phone in the kitchen overnight at 19. I overheard him recently outright lie to someone he goes to uni with that DH and I prefer him to do so as it sets an example to the younger kids. We absolutely do not expect him to do it, it's just a get out for him because he likes his peace and quiet!

It's just basic parenting to not give them unfettered internet access imo. Plus I'm not having mine disturbed by the ones allowed to be online at daft o'clock. It also gives the kids a back up. They can decline things on the basis "I can't, my Mum will check" if they're still building the confidence to stand up to peers and also means they don't get the shit if I find something because everyone knows I'm strict.

I've been alerted to major issues other teens have had, including one horrible safeguarding one, by my DD leaving her phone, rolling her eyes and saying "God I can't believe you still check my phone". That means she can confidently tell the others involved that she didn't snitch because it's not a lie.

My DC are mid to late teens.

When they first got phones on moving up to secondary school, we had a good talk about internet safety, grooming, etc, and I had all the passwords, etc to their phones. They knew I could ask for their phones at any time to check through. I did check occasionally, but as they grew older and proved they were being sensible, I relaxed the checking. In fact, I haven't checked their phones for over a year (in the case of the youngest), and longer for the eldest.

We've had some good chats about it over the years, and they have said to me that the stuff some of their peers got up to online has shocked them. DD has also come to me at one point to ask my advice on a dodgy text message. They trust me, and as a result, they show me stuff they want an opinion on.

Disagree fully. You are responsible for your child and keeping them safe. Just because they are a teenager doesn’t change that.

We need to protect them from horrible people, predators, child abusers and rapists, bullies and also themselves.

I agree it's unreasonable if it's for no reason other than to check up on them as it implies a degree of distrust

It's not the teen I distrust, it's the internet I distrust.

I don't agree with checking phones behind their backs - my DC know I check theirs every now and then. They are 10, 12 and 14.

My daughter isn’t quite a teenager yet. I massively disagree with you. I would never read her diary (she’s had one before) but I reserve the right to check her phone, specifically her social media. She knows this though and I’ve explained the reasons why I do it. I don’t check as often as I used to and we talk about a lot of stuff that she sees that bothers her. But she is a child and needs guidance.

I strongly disagree. A phone is not the place for privacy. I have all of dd’s passwords and accounts. Parental controls prevent her from installing any apps without my permission. The internet is permanent. Teens don’t have the luxury of making mistakes that will be forgotten.

If she wants privacy she can write in a diary, make a phone call, or send a letter.

As she gets older, I will slowly loosen the reins as she proves that she can be responsible no matter what situations come across her path.