I think it's unacceptable to go through a teenagers phone

[orangedod]

Am I the only one? I hope I'm not the only one.

I see so many threads and hear so many mums talking about going through teenagers phones and I really disagree with it.

I completely understand about keeping them safe but to me it seems like a major invasion of privacy. I know full well that my mum never went through mine and there was a massive trust there.

What's everyone's stance on this? Am I alone in my opinion?

But not possible if you want them to be traceable, have easy access to money and in contact.

@Fi3ldTrip

Well, then that’s it...nothing parents can do, may as well chuck them to the wolves....

@Fi3ldTrip you are spectacularly missing the point. Never mind, I tried.

Also not possible to get screenshots of homework without a phone.

The world of phones and Internet is very different to what we had.
Every parent should know what kind of sites their kids go to. What sites they follow on Social Media? What kind of posts do they post? What apps do they like? It's shocking how many parents haven't looked into how Snapchat works or what TikTok is.

You'd be stupid not to monitor Internet. There are some devious minds manipulating young people so kids need guiding. What they post and text is "out there" forever and they don't realise until it's too late.

Mine need phones for school too. Assignments are sent to an app and the teacher regularly asks kids to photograph homework instructions from the board to save on photocopying?

You’re missing the point. You think demanding a snoop on phones means you are keeping your kids safe. You’re not because you’re not seeing what they don’t want you to see and you’ve destroyed trust which will make them more devious.

@herecomesgeralt exactly what you said!

@Fi3ldTrip

So, you genuinely believe you’re kids when they tell you the only way they can get homework is by using their phone camera? LOL
Ron they not have pens? Their teachers don’t have email? There’s no VLE?

Bollocks.

Nat - how old is your son? I have a 19 year old and 13 year old and the difference in online threats is massive when you compare 6 years ago.

My kids lock their phone so if they are stolen then they can be erased and no thief can impersonate them and make trouble using their phone eg using their Applepay or posting as them on SM

Diaries, face to face and facetime conversations are private. Their messages might well be shown to or read by anyone's mother/brother/headteacher and they should therefore assume they are not private. It's fine to decide your own boundaries, based on your own child. However due to the extreme number of creeps who hang out on social media demanding pictures from vulnerable children police recommend some parental supervision.

It is 100% unreasonable to go through their phone without their knowledge

Important clarification: this does not apply to husbands/partners, whose phones can be pillaged because 'trust your gut' and 'spidey senses'.

Ah you tell a 15/16 year old boy to write down their homework when all their friends have gone to lunch or break. They don’t,they just leave without it and then you’re handing phones back forcing them to text friends to get it which they refuse to do because it looks lame. Which gets us back to it not being worth the hassle. Been there, done that.

It depends: 16+ and paying the bill themselves? Unacceptable in most circumstances (especially if 18/19)
13/14/15 and you suspect they are involved in something dodgy? Totally acceptable.

Early teenage years no

I work with sex offender I am all to aware how clued up they are to parents respecting privacy and preying on teenagers not necessarily vulnerable teenagers either

I may argue with ds about checking his phone but I am perfectly fine with that

If you suspect they’re doing something dodgy how are you going to see it? Isn’t it better to have a conversation. You look and nothing is there which it won’t be,you assume all is well.

@fi3ldtrip ... so you let them deal with the consequences if f not doing their homework 🙄

Like I say, clearly you don’t have any qualms about your kids online activities and fell they couldn’t possibly be groomed and bullied... so good for you.

You’re missing the point. You think demanding a snoop on phones means you are keeping your kids safe. You’re not because you’re not seeing what they don’t want you to see and you’ve destroyed trust which will make them more devious.

That's certainly not how it has worked here. Showing the kids that you keep them safe in an age appropriate way works to build trust.

So when they first got the phone they didn't have anything other than the lock screen code. They couldn't download apps without my say so. They also knew not to add anyone to they apps they did have without checking.

Over time you loosen those controls until they're allowed to add people to their apps without checking, but knowing if I check and they are not classmates, mates from footie or guides or family then there will be an issue.

You build trust with kids as they learn how to deal with situations. In the same way you start by holding their hand when they cross the road, but eventually let them do it themslves

You don't just hand them access to a pocket size computer and let them go.

If you suspect they’re doing something dodgy how are you going to see it? Isn’t it better to have a conversation. You look and nothing is there which it won’t be,you assume all is well.

Not one single person has said that checking phones replaces conversation. Nobody has said they assume all is well. Only one making assumptions is you

Luckily you are in the minority Op.

I didn't expect this to have so many replies when I checked again!

Anyway, for what it's worth and for those who asked, I don't have teenagers yet.

BUT I've always thought this way because I valued the way my mum was in comparison to my friends.
My friends became very secretive, would hide stuff a lot more and consequently had less open, less close and less trusting relationships with their parents who checked their phones.
They were always shocked at my relationship with my mum.

She never checked my phone but she had very much drilled into me a lot of internet safety before getting a phone.
It was made clear I was not to speak to anyone I didn't know on the internet and I was to tell her immediately if someone I didn't know messaged me. I was very aware and conscious of what I posted and really valued the fact I had that privacy and trust from my mum when my friends didn't, which is why this is my opinion.

Also want to add that I'm not saying it in a bad way to parents that do (and I seem to be outnumbered), it's just my opinion and I was just seeing if anyone agreed with me as I predicted it'd be an unpopular opinion.

No pretty sure they wouldn’t be groomed as they know the signs as do we. There are plenty of signs away from phones. One made mistakes online but came to us.There were no footsteps for us to find so we’d have been oblivious. Another has been bullied but more in RL. Happened online once too and he took a screenshot, showed it to us so we could report.Demanding phones I’m sure would have made them less likely to come to us. My dc are 20 steps ahead of us tech wise so pointless anyway.

I disagree up to age 18. I read an article by a mum whose DD committed suicide. She took the line that it was interfering to check what her dd was doing online and what messages she was getting. DD was being bullied savagely and didnt want to tell her mum. She killed herself whilst her mum was clueless.

Her advice was: be very active in your teenagers' online and phone habits. It could save their life.

When starting secondary they are in contact with 100s of kids, many of which won’t be in their classes. How do you know who is in their class for every subject?

Harbor there are many signs away from phones that a child is being bullied.

@orangedod It's all about how the relationship builds.

Some people think my kids, especially my two elder girls, are unusually open with me. I have a weird situation where the parents of half their friends parents think I'm trying too hard to be 'cool mum' because I've allowed occasional alcohol and have allowed parties in my house.

The other half think I'm ridilously strict because they have always had harsh sanctions for breaking their curfew and don't allow them to go to certain parties.

It also massively depends on your child. DS1 I could have stopped checking his phone about 13 probably. Similar with DN1. DD1 probably 16 was about right. DD2 probably should, and she said this first herself, should be getting herself monitored until she's about 30. Despite all of the drillings she is incredibly easily fooled and very gullible. Not checking her phone would have been completely neglectful parenting. So you have to balance what works depending on the child's nature as well.