To not want to move to Wales?

[dgarcia85]

My OH and I live in SE London and we are about to start TTC. We both agree we need to decide where we want to live as we want our kids to have a stable home and not move around. I work at a council and earn £35K. It’s a great place to work and I don’t want to leave. I also will be starting a second consulting job soon earning an additional £10K. My OH is studying p/t and earns £20K. I want to move closer to work most likely Purley renting first and then buying when we can afford too. OH doesn’t think we will ever be able to buy anything in Croydon/London and he wants to move to Wales where his parents are as it’s cheaper and they can help out with any kids. I’m from the Caribbean originally and I’ve been living in London for 15 years and made it my home and I don’t really want to start over in another new plus. Hi Plus I feel like our mixed race kids would fit in better in London and I love my job. I know Wales makes more sense financially but I can’t bring myself to agree to it and its now causing arguments....

"How many times can you actually go to St Fagans? (I went there for every school trip for about 6 years - it gets repetitive pretty quickly!). "

I go every few years and never find it boring. It might be that you appreciate it more as an adult though.
Obviously there are more museums in London so if a different museum every weekend really is your priority then stay there, but most people don't go every weekend do they?

But we cannot spend all day every day biking we have to make a living, mostly tourism which is fooked up north. Cardiff is big enough to recover more quickly.

"-You quitting your highly paid job and taking a huge pay cut to please him. Again a massive concern."

She was working till 11pm - that's not a life. She decided for herself that she didn't want that when in a relationship.

For the sake of balance, the museum I loved most when I lived in London was the Horniman, in Forest Hill (only about 45 mins drive from Croydon, incidentally; more like an hour and 20 on the bus).

Absolutely lovely place: quirky, deceptively big, travelling exhibits so always something new. Lovely little cafe and great for kids.

I could well imagine popping into St Fagans every so often in the same way.

And it's not the only museum in that bit of the world by a chalk. I can think of another four good museums within striking distance off the top of my head. Of course, they're not as good as the london ones, because of where they are, but there's still plenty to see and do.

St Fagans is an amazing place, I don't go often but I've enjoyed every visit. My other favourite was the airfield museum in Hendon, I think it was? Haven't been there since I was a kid.

Where do you both see this relationship on 5 years time?

Just to add I work in the secondary school where the children from Abercarn go. I also used to work in a very ‘well thought of’ school in Kingston. There is no difference in the mind set or expectations and no reason why these children should be any less successful. I can guarantee a majority of people commenting have never ever heard of, let alone been to Abercarn. It’s a short hop Cardiff/Newport/Bristol.

Well quite. An awful lot of people who live in the valleys actually work in Cardiff or Newport. Or even Bristol. The valleys are no more insular than English commuter villages would be.

Agree with a lot of people here.

I posted previously about apron strings but the more you post OP the worse it sounds.

You know, you could have kept your high flying job with getting home at 11pm if your DP had the nous to consider that gives him enough spare time to do his degree full time in the evenings after work. If he'd done that he'd only have a year left.

So now you have to support him for five years until he finishes this degree, by which time you'll probably have kids and I expect he'll consider that it makes sense for him to drop the degree and be a SAHD instead.

No wonder he wants to move back to Wales. He had no intention whatever of getting a career.

Because he's got an admin job and is doing an OU degree on the side. What a waster eh. I think it's more of the fact that he has only started the degree 4 years into the relationship and it's going to take another 5 to complete. Added to the fact that he wants to move back in with his Mum and not work once the baby ha here.

@Wtfdidwedo Wales is gorgeous. No one is disputing that. But a lot of these small towns in the valleys are grotty holes because there are no jobs and no money and no way of improving the situation. A lot of these places have had sustained high unemployment since the closure of the mines. And as a result, you get the kids who don't have the potential or motivation to do well at school who stay in these towns doing some dead end job (if they have a job at all) and the kids who do have the potential and motivation to do well, who do their exams, go to university, and then get jobs somewhere else. Every time I go to South Wales it makes me sad to see how hopeless many of these small towns are, nestled in all this amazing countryside.

No mainstream political party has ever been seriously interested in investing in these areas. Until recently South Wales received a certain amount of EU funding - precisely because it is a deprived area and the aim was to try and bring the standard of living up to that of better off places - but that won't happen anymore post Brexit. And now with Coronavirus there is really sod all chance of any government for the foreseeable future making investment in South Wales (or the North East, or the West Midlands, or Cornwall) a priority.

It's sad, but it is what it is. That's why the bright young kids with potential move away from places like Abercarn to seek employment elsewhere, and maybe they go back home to visit their parents at weekends and wish that they could live in this stunning countryside all the time, but it's not compatible with having a decent job.

This is where the OP's partner wants her to move to.

To me this sounds like a situation where there is no right/wrong answer. You are into living in London and the lifestyle it provides and willing to compromise with another larger city. He wants village life and have similar lifestyle like he had growing up. There is nothing wrong with either of these options. It just comes down to what extent both of you are willing to compromise in order to be together. You cannot endlessly "try" different places.

There are people who are happy to love under a bridge where ever just to be with a person they love. But most people it's a combination of things. It is not only about where to find work or being able to afford a house, it would be great if it was so simple. For a lot of us it's things that you cannot even verbalize what makes a home.

@peperethecat yes I am aware, as someone born and raised in one of the grotty holes, who has recently decided to settle down and raise my family here with my English husband. I was just responding to the weird pictures of the post office someone had shared with a picture of Abercarn from above!

I lived in Cardiff for a while but now live half a mile from my old school and in the village my family has lived in since the 18th century. I like the lifestyle but it's certainly not for everyone.

If that's what makes you happy then that's great. It's where you were born and raised, and yes the countryside is amazing. If your husband is happy too then it makes sense.

It doesn't sound like the small town life in the OP's partner's hometown is what she is looking for though. And if he had a great job that he could do working from home, or wanted to return to take over the family business, or even if his mother was dying and he wanted to be near her at the end of her life, anyone could see the logic in that. But what she has told us about him suggests that he lacks ambition, isn't interested in making anything of himself, and just wants to go back to his comfort zone and be looked after by mummy.

It doesn't sound like a recipe for him and the OP having a happy life together.

Like Kotomoto I skimmed the thread earlier and have become more alarmed since reading all of the updates.

I agree with everything Kotomoto says.

Thanks Oliversmumsarmy I've now looked them up too. Some of those houses are quite interesting aren't they?

Did you really just post that @JiltedJohnsJulie ??
I hope no one who actually lives there are on this thread.🙄

If you think that teens in deprived rural areas are less likely to get into trouble than teens in urban areas then more fool you

Course I don't think that. But very 😂 at the comment

Think about what what your kids will be doing / hanging out with as teens. SE London obviously has its risks. As if the SE London teens don't get up to much.

Looking at taking out Wales if the op said her partner wanted to move to Auchencairn, Scotland or Fowey in Cornwall because his family are there does that make it the right move for a family in the future where realistically there is only one stable breadwinner.

Sleeping it was perhaps a little tactless sorry. The houses look lovely but the couple I had a look at were decorated a bit "unusually". No offence meant to anybody living locally. You get houses like that anywhere.

"This is where the OP's partner wants her to move to."

Yes, but it's still close to Cardiff. OP isn't going to be hours and hours away from anywhere else. She's not going to be imprisoned in Abercarn.

"You know, you could have kept your high flying job with getting home at 11pm if your DP had the nous to consider that gives him enough spare time to do his degree full time in the evenings after work. If he'd done that he'd only have a year left."

They would have never seen each other and might have finished.

"I think it's more of the fact that he has only started the degree 4 years into the relationship and it's going to take another 5 to complete."

That's how OU degrees work. You can start at any age and do it part time around work. If he was a full time student he wouldn't be able to work at the same time.
So, is everyone who doesn't do a degree at 18 a waster according to MN?
Plenty of people have no degrees at all. Are they unworthy of relationships.

Also, I think all of this arguing over Wakes is detracting from the fact that the OP is in a relationship where her "DP" is possibly using emotional abuse to achieve his aims.

I don't think that moving to Wales is a problem, my DSister lived there for many years and we visit regularly.

What is a concern is that the OP works in a niche job, there a recession coming and her DP wants her to move in with his parents whilst she supports him and the DC.

She's not going to be imprisoned in Abercarn.

I think imprisoned is a very good description of how she is likely to feel living in Abercarn.

How much cultural capital is based on proximity though? Plenty of children in London growing up against a backdrop of museums & theatres who have never been into one.

• That's how OU degrees work. You can start at any age and do it part time around work. If he was a full time student he wouldn't be able to work at the same time. So, is everyone who doesn't do a degree at 18 a waster according to MN? Plenty of people have no degrees at all. Are they unworthy of relationships*

That's not quiet what I said either. I understand perfectly how OU degrees work. I wax trying to say, perhaps badly, that it's taken him sometime into the relationship to start the degree.

There are plenty of people with good jobs without a degree but the OP herself has said that he needs the degree for his chosen field.

I also went on to say that I was more concerned with him wanting to give up work when the DC arrive.

So the OP will have moved to somewhere she doesn't want to be and will be supporting him when she's said that she think a good financial contribution from him would be necessary,

He's also unwilling to compromise.

I honestly can't see what's in this for her. There are just so many red flags.

An Abercarn resident has left the thread after the snipey pics etc. Would you blame them?

Cos actually it's not really about 'Wales' is it - it's about where is home and how far you make compromises to achieve that 'home'.