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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour snitched on me putting up 1 fence...

213 replies

Brokentoday · 07/05/2020 12:32

I have recently moved to new property...

I live in a row of houses, all the house apart from my neighbour to my right have 4 ft fences..

There are house opposite of my garden and there garden are next to ours and so are the rest of the houses on my street, so in my garden the fence in front is 6ft and the fence to my right is 6ft the fence to my left is 4 ft.

Me and partner decide to put new 6ft fence along the left hand side by professional costing a fair amount of money. I off course notified my neighbour to my left that I would be doing so and if she was okay with it. She has no issues with it and she hope's to raise her fence aswell.

Now my neighbours are friendly welcoming and all round decent people since we moved me. The issue i have is I can see 4-5 houses down in my garden, I'm not unsociable I just was a bit of privacy in my garden with 3 children under 5. I dont think it is partically safe either..

My partner also feels somewhat uncomfortable because we are black they stare at us in our garden..

I got a phone call from my housing association letting me no that basically somebody have called them to inform them that I am putting a fence up..

I was told to stop as I didnt ask for permission, I said the fence is more or less done. I was then asked to write a letter retrospective permission.. to inform them that I have done a fence and that is meets there criteria.. the lady I spoke to was nice and basically told me make sure it not higher than 6ft and it's done by professionals.. take a pictures and send it In.

To find it somewhat funny that somebody felt the need to report me as if i stole from the queen palace.. I mean Im entitled to some privacy for fuck sake.. the fence is up and nobody can stare at us.

AIBU?

OP posts:
randomchatter · 08/05/2020 18:55

@1forsorrow

The Sky dish tale was funny it just shows the depths to people's territorial pettiness. You'll need a thick skin and a sense of humour or you'll be in constantly battle mode and blow a gasket.

Usually there are just one or two racists who think they control the neighbourhood. I think the other decent neighbours will see what they're doing /the isolation and summon up some courage !

1forsorrow · 08/05/2020 19:04

randomchatter, thanks but I think after 20 years it isn't going to change. I take in parcels, got one neighbours daughters a job when she left school with no qualifications (I worked in HR) check on widow in her 70s and pick up prescriptions for her. When a new family moved in the people who are having the party on their drive were vile to them, we were really supportive but now they are sat on their drive drinking wine and I'm sat here feeling like an outcast.

I wish we could move but my husband can't face the disruption.

Angiemum24 · 08/05/2020 19:06

They are complaining because they are nosey and can’t watch you anymore. They are sad and need to get a life!

randomchatter · 08/05/2020 19:07

@MadMadaMim

OP explained that they didn't know... LAs and HAs allow for this sort of error all the time.

I'd suggest that a 6 ft fence should be standard - we brits do like our privacy!

Stampy84 · 08/05/2020 19:08

@1forsorrow
You sound like a lovely person and a fabulous neighbour, can you come move next to me?? I’ll happily join you for a wine!
Would you go out and make conversation with them, say you might join them (from a distance obviously) or does it seem pointless?
How were they with you when you were supportive when they moved in?

JaneEB · 08/05/2020 19:11

We do some work for estate agents that rent out properties. We have seen some ridiculous things done in the back garden, the fact is there are rules as to what you can or cannot do, those rules have to be applied across the board or else people take advantage and stretch the rules further and further. We have seen one place where they actually took the fence away without replacing it, saying they had paid for the fence so they were taking it. They had not had permission to change it and the last we heard the management company had managed to trace the tenants and were taking legal proceedings for the cost of replacing the fences along with the cables they ripped out of the walls that we were there to replace. Yes, someone pulled the coax cable from out of the walls. It cannot be put back in the same way without re-plastering so we had to run it outside.

As for the idea you are being watched because you are black, maybe you are simply being watched because you are new? And yes I am white, and I have been racially bullied by an old manager who was not only a bigot but also a misogynist, and I really tried to help him too.

1forsorrow · 08/05/2020 19:12

@Stampy84 I'd been out for a walk and came back as they were setting up and I was ignored so no I won't go out.

The new neighbours, well it is a couple of years ago now, were so upset at what was going on and were really grateful, we assured them that it wasn't them as we had had the same treatment. They always say hello when we see them but obviously not bothered we were left out.

I don't think I'll bother any more, no taking in parcels, no offers of help, no anything.

randomchatter · 08/05/2020 19:16

@1forsorrow sorry to hear that... 20 yrs is shocking - of you're stuck in some some NF time warp then give DH a shake and move - Life's too short!

1forsorrow · 08/05/2020 19:22

@randomchatter I feel like just going myself. We used to live in a big city, I didn't realise what a small town in the South West would be like. My husband is a bit of a loner so it doesn't bother him and obviously he has dealt with the prejudice thing all his life, still shocks me when something happens when we are out. Sometimes it is strange being the white one in a mixed relationship as life can be very different depending on if you are out alone or in a couple. It is an elephant in the room, we ignore it really and I don't think it helps but it is as if we can't acknowledge it to each other.

I think being disabled doesn't help as we are restricted in what we can do, 20 years ago I was working fulltime with kids at home so it didn't seem to matter.

I'm going to go and make a cuppa and pull myself together. Thanks for being supportive, you probably won't realise how much that can mean.

randomchatter · 08/05/2020 19:25

@JaneEB

It's just a fence and HAs/ LAs allow for people not understanding building regs.

Also we tend not to stare at people for ages, days, weeks, months just because they're new. We tend to smile, say hi, nod to newbies and welcome them. You've simply dismissed the OPs experience then added your own sad tale of being racially abused when the OP hasn't suggested that all races can be racist. I think they call that 'othering'!?!

randomchatter · 08/05/2020 19:28
  • All races can't be racists
MadMadaMim · 08/05/2020 19:54

@RandomChatter I read that, thanks. The question asked - was she being unreasonable. Whether you know the rules/processes etc or not, is irrelevant. It was unreasonable.

And not knowing the processes is so unreasonable

MadMadaMim · 08/05/2020 19:54

*so = also

FelicisNox · 08/05/2020 20:00

  1. you didn't ask for permission. It's not your house and this is a requirement, the same applies if you want to remove kitchen/bathroom/internal doors and you will be billed if you leave.

  2. your neighbour is a petty, spiteful ass... they didn't know if you had permission, they are just jealous.

  3. it's unlikely to be because you're black, they are just being nosey bastards as you're new.

threatmatrix · 08/05/2020 20:01

therona
What are you the fucking fence police.

glennamy · 08/05/2020 21:08

YABU... You do not own your house... so you are not entitled to make big changes to it without permission... You know better next time! There are people who follow the rules and you fell foul of them, the person who told on you, well, believe me, there is one on every street and colour does not come into it! If you want to live there happily, you said the neighbours are friendly, then I'd drop the colour point immediately or you will ruin the experience yourself!

Sexychick1979 · 08/05/2020 21:22

Hi love, yeah I agree with u ffs..People are so sad and pathetic that they have to tell little tales, god they need to grow up..Just keep yourself to yourself, don’t even talk to any of them, just say hi and bye because the more u talk to nosy neighbours the more they have on u and then they do things like that..I’ve also learned the hard way love, just not worth it..Don’t let them get u down hun x

NotTerfNorCis · 08/05/2020 21:26

use of the word 'snitch' belongs in the playground

Yes we grown-ups prefer 'grass', or on my street they talk about 'shopping' people (for breaking lockdown).

Sexychick1979 · 08/05/2020 21:28

Hi guys I pressed bookmark by mistake, how do u take it off, Cheers x

Whatsupdaddio · 08/05/2020 21:42

How British of people to complain about you wanting to have your privacy! One of your neighbours is likely upset because they can no longer keep an eye on you. I think it's just between you and your immediate neighbour, if even that. You shouldn't have to ask anyone's permission to have your privacy.

66redballons · 08/05/2020 21:57

The person who reported you doesn’t know you didn’t ask permission therefore someone is being very nosey. I hope you enjoy your fence for years to come.

Brockaslass · 09/05/2020 04:37

Most housing associations will allow you to put fences up 3ft at front and 6ft at back. With permission. But there's no way your neighbour could have known whether you had permission or not so yeah they were a little pathetic. I too had to replace a fence to one side of us on a bank holiday weekend after storms damaged it. We put a 6ft up in exchange for the 4ft on that had seperated one side from our neighbour. We didn't have permission but I did know that our housing officer would not have a problem. Like you our neighbour contacted the out of hours emergency team to complain. They phoned us asking we stop. I actually refused, the staff from out of hours were from a call centre and knew nothing about us or our situation and I advised them if they wanted to contact our housing officer to raise the matter then could. I have a puppy, a rabbit who roams in garden and a young child at the time, next door had a bulldog that was known to be agressive and allowed to roam in her now unguarded garden. So couldn't really be without the fence. Come Monday housing officer called us to say he'd got irrate messages form both next door and the emergency team saying we were breaching our tenancy. He told them that we had every right as at the time it was an emergency and asked us to confirm in writing the details and agreed that it was ok to build. He also told the emergency team that these matters were not to be dealt with by them and needed to be left to a housing officer in future and apologised for the way they spoke to me.
It's neither here nor there whether you had permission as you say they were fine about it anyway. They just like to tick boxes and ensure things gave been done right. In fact most housing associations would prefer you pay for your fencing as it's one less cost for them.
You neighbour sounds a total phleb whoever the "snitch" was.

JudyCoolibar · 09/05/2020 06:08

YABU for assuming people stare in because you're black. Sorry I couldn't see past that weird comment

Your failure of imagination and knowledge is not OP's fault. The simple fact is that, particularly, in areas where black people are heavily in the minority, some people do stare. It really is crass to denigrate other people's life experiences just because you haven't come across them personally.

I could be wrong, but in order to observe someone staring at you, you sort of have to be staring back, don't you?

You could indeed be wrong. It's perfectly possible to be aware of someone staring at you without staring back at them.

JudyCoolibar · 09/05/2020 06:11

It could even be detrimental if it blocks the light

A 6' fence? That doesn't come anywhere near blocking enough light for that to be a valid reason for preventing one being built.

The vast majority of suburban and town gardens have 6' fences on both sides. Strangely, the occupants seem to manage fine in terms of light availability.

Tubs11 · 09/05/2020 07:52

Wouldn't worry about it OP, the world is full of curtain twitchers and letter writers. Enjoy the fence and privacy!