I need to know whether I would be unreasonable to blow my top when DH wakes up

[Namechanger20183110]

Some perspective please, as I've been up all night with a teething baby and I'm not in the most rational of places right now.

DH is working from home and has been since lockdown started, even on the weekends to "catch up", even though he's doing more hours now than he's ever done. He spends the whole day working in the bedroom while I entertain a baby and a hyperactive pre-schooler. I feel like I get no break. He has done one "night shift" with the baby in the 6 months since he was born. We sleep in separate rooms as I don't want him to be disturbed from when the baby monitor wakes him up as he will then moan about how tired he is the next day.

So I'm stressed from looking after the kids all day and being confined to the house, I'm sleep deprived at the mo, and I'm also anxious generally about the family contracting the virus. So as you can imagine re the latter, i am trying to minimise how much we go to supermarkets etc.

Except DH just won't stop eating. He has form for eating a whole loaf of bread in one sitting for endless ham sandwiches, just as a "snack". He will hoover up anything that's in the house : chocolates, crisps, wraps, pittas, cheeses, leftovers, frozen ready meals, pizzas, noodles - anything and everything has snack potential to him. I make healthy meals with huge portions for dinner, but it's never enough.

We are spending an obscene amount on shopping every week. Given the limit on buying only 3 of certain items, i'm trying to explain to him to we need to be considerate about what we eat as I don't want us making multiple trips out to re-stock the fridge and cupboards , we're in the middle of a pandemic here and surely need to make some sacrifices?! It just falls on deaf ears.

He is 16 stone, so not obese, but is definitely overweight. He is 38. He was told by a doctor only before Xmas that his bloods showed that he is borderline diabetic. He has history of type 2 diabetes in his family. But still he eats chocolates, biscuits and cereals like there is no tomorrow.

Ham! Endless amounts of ham. I have to buy it as DS wants it in his sandwiches, but the packet is gone within a day. 30 slices. I have told him about the links with ham and processed red meat with cancer and that it's risky for him to be eating up to 60 slices of wafer ham in one week (yes, 60, I'm sure he's had more than that in some weeks) but it's like he doesn't give a shit!! If I was constantly doing something that increased my risk of getting cancer, he'd go mad at me

He's not overeating because of stress about the virus by the way, he has eaten like this for years.

Last night after putting both kids to bed (which also seems to be my sole responsibility), I made a really nice dinner of Mediterranean sea bass with loads of veg and a shit load of rice , enough rice to fill 3 dinner plates to the top, as I wanted to make sure he was full up so that he didn't feel the need to snack again before he went to bed. He ate the shit load of rice, all of it.

I cleared up the kitchen and went up to bed at 9. He came up at 1am as I was awake with the baby and heard him. While I was tossing and turning at 10pm ish, I heard him in the kitchen helping himself to more food.

I've come downstairs with the baby at 5.30am and the kitchen looks a complete state. A sink full of dishes. Rubbish everywhere, condiments left out with their lids half hanging off. So last night, after eating the huge fuck off meal I made, he then went on to eat half a bag of Birdseye chicken dippers, 2 wraps, 4 slices of bread, lots of salad, lots of cheese, nearly a full packet of ham (which has 30 slices in it) and about 3 bowls of cereal. I'm not scavenging through the bins by the way, he's left the evidence on the worktops.

I'm so fucking fed up of having this same tireless discussion with him. It's so selfish, why the fuck does he need to eat so much when I'm making him filling dinners every night!? And to leave the mess for me to deal with in the morning!! Every time I raise this with him I'm made to feel like I'm neurotic.

Am I just dealing with this irrationally because I'm overly stressed, or am I right to be annoyed??

I need a big coffee

I'd say you're massively underacting to be honest.
Really grim and selfish behaviour on so many levels. Does he bring anything positive to your relationship?

When the lock downs over I would love back to my parents home. Anything to get away. Lets see how he likes the mountain of dishes and food left out, and buying his own food that runs out after 2 days! I honestly think 2 weeks alone would teach him a lesson! You were not placed on this earth to be his slave!!!

If he can't be made to realise that his behaviour is having a negative impact on the rest of you then I'm sorry to say I can't see how this situation is going to get better. And it doesn't sound like much of a life for you if it doesn't - and not a good example for the kids either...

The lack of parenting and clearing up after himself is simply unacceptable.

With regards to his eating, he needs to see a GP if he can get a phone appointment. His diet sounds appalling and he is eating himself into an early grave which is selfish towards your DC.

Obviously this is entirely his responsibility and not yours, but perhaps there are a few short term measures you can easily implement whilst he decides if he's going to sort himself out in the meantime. The food you have available in your fridge / freezer isn't great and if it was me I wouldn't want my DC getting used up eating ham for example. You've already identified the health risks of pork based products and especially processed meats. Processed foods in general. Could you replace ham for a substitute? A vegetarian equivalent would be good, or if that's a step too far try slices of chicken breast or turkey? The bread should ideally not be processed at all and if it has to be then at the very least ensure it's wholemeal. Remove any junk from the freezer and cupboards (crisps, pizzas, chicken dippers). Your DC doesn't need all that saturated and trans fat crap. Replace with healthier options. Read up about alternatives and buy lots of healthy snacking fruit, rice cakes, ryvita, snacking veg, porridge etc. Look for low GI foods. If your DH eats white rice, white bread or white pasta it will only fuel his appetite and increase insulin levels. Wholemeal and brown rice / pasta plus things like quinoa and oats will keep everyone fuller for longer. Your DC is going to be training in unhealthy eating habits from your DH.

Again, this is your DH's responsibility, but since it sounds like grocery shopping falls to you then you can take some steps here to ensure your shopping basket only contains healthy food. Your DC might need re-educating on food a bit. If there's no crap in the house then no-one can eat it.

If your DH wants to eat unhealthy food he will have to get off his 16stone arse and go and buy some himself.

Have not read many posts - no time!
Advice would be - lock up the kitchen with all food in it and keep the key.
DH can only go in there when you let him. Make him clean up.
Buy a picture of a pig and put it on the wall where he spends most time. Tell him to look at it.
Tell him he will be very sick, disabled or dead if he does not change his eating habits and tell him to take out a large life insurance policy for you asap.
Tell him to take therapy for eating disorder.
Also if he will not do above - seek divorce.

If you stay with him:

You will continue to be a nanny and a skivvy.

You will always be skint.

You will never expect any food you buy for you or the DC to still be there when you want it.

You will be married to a fat bloke whose body I’m guessing doesn’t fill you with lust and desire.

You will be increasingly worried about his health.

You have a future that revolves around your husband’s mounting health problems.

You will never be able to go to places you want to visit or do the things you want to do with him because he’ll be physically unable to do these things.

Your DC will think it’s normal that a father doesn’t parent them, contribute to family life or running a household.

Your DC will grow up with an incredibly bad example of nutrition, eating habits and managing their own health.

Fat parents tend to have fat kids, so even if you’re skinny you’ll only be 50% of what they learn about eating.

Basically your future will revolve around a lazy obese man who will doubtless develop more and more debilitating health problems which you will have to live with, manage and ultimately grieve. Your DC will be shown a terrible example of what a relationship looks like and what is expected of a partner.

You have a 50% stake in this OP. It is your choice whether you want this life for yourself and your DC. It is not however a choice for your DC because they will have the life you give them.

I know this all reads as being harsh, but I’m afraid it’s the truth, so better you face it and decide sooner rather than later.

you are just jealous that he wants to eat food other than yours

You're a shit troll.

Have you spoken to your parents about this? They may be willing to have you home anyway.
I agree he is probably not working all the time he is claiming to unless his job is something related to the Covid response.

Id be done. I'd insist he parents for at least 4 hours a day (not night) and I'd use every minute of it to prepare for divorce. I'd explain he needs the practice as he's going to be doing parenting on his own very soon.

Unreasonable behaviour as a reason.

Get the 2 divorce books advised here and get as much of it done ASAP. Then start get the house on the market. I'd not do one single thing to make his life comfortable from here on in.

Not sure if anyone has said this, but is it possible he’s smoking weed on the sky & has the munchies? People can hide weed smoking well so you can’t smell it. The gluttony is very unattractive, as is selfishly eating all of something that should be shared between all the members of the household. I don’t blame you for wanting to leave.

My dad could be like this. So it was agreed he could have a snack cupboard as only thing mum wanted to control was the cost of his eating as they couldn't afford it. Anything else he had to ask mum as it was for meals etc. Worked well for them.

Stop going shopping for him .if you go shopping once a week and he eats everything in one day which is just pure greed then let him drag his lazy arse to the supermarket.i certainly wouldn’t be buying him anything else.also why are you clearing up after him he’s a grown man who should be capable of washing a few pots and putting things away after using them
I hope thinks pick up for you you deserve better

This is a hugely time consuming suggestion but could you tack his calories? From the sound of his late night snack plus mounds of rice my guess is that's he's easily topped 2k calories in that snack and rice, bread is 100 kcal a slice so a whole loaf of like 20 pieces is 2k calories right there, have you asked him why he eats so much? He really needs to see a doctor about his eating, maybe just keep a food diary saying what he ate and then you've got something to show doctors.

You need to go in and wake him up an tell him you don't fancy him any more because he is a lazy fat slob and he disgusts you.
He doesn't contribute to anything in the household and you can't stand to look at him so he can expect a divorce after lockdown and he needn't expect sex anytime in the near future, then leave the room.
That will wake him up.

I think once you get to the pre diabetes stage there are a lot of physiological things happening inside your body which make eating a compulsion.

Couple that with the helpless feeling of feeling ashamed - which you can’t really acknowledge because you can’t just take the fat suit off and be normal.

The selfishness of the messy kitchen should be addressed.
The non parenting needs addressing.

The ‘selfishness‘ (part compulsion part panic maybe with food) I would recommend that you actually separate the food you and DS need into a Tupperware box in the fridge/cupboard and tape shut with your name in. Non fridge items really do need to be hidden - even in your sock drawer otherwise the compulsion will tell him - oh I can always get more from he shop if she notices...

If you have type 2 or prediabetes your hormones will actually tell you you are hungry!!!!
It is because your insulin and blood glucose are not working together to give you the energy you need.
It is a real thing.

Together if you can bear it learn about obesity and metabolic syndrome

Watch Prof Lustig first on YouTube he explains why you can still drink a litre of full sugar coke on top of a full meal.

Then watch Jason Fung the Eatilogy (sp) of Obesity to understand the detail.

Then Look at Diet Doctor about fasting regimes.

Buy a blood sugar monitor and a blood pressure monitor £20 each.

He then has all the tools to be well.

You might still need to do the cooking because the eating habit takes a while to unlearn. He will be able to contribute by taking on bath time
Or whatever the kids need then as well as whatever else is part of his adult contribution to the household as part of the arrangement.

He has the opportunity to be well.

I send you love and luck.

In my marriage I am him and my DH is you.

My blood sugars have recovered and weight dropped 2.5 stone in 2 months. After a lifetime of unhealthy relationship with food started in childhood (raised on coco pops and fish and chips).

All love to you xxx

madcatladyforever - really? Who do you think that will help exactly?

Up until your update today I was just gobsmacked at the amount of food he's eating. DS is back from uni and seemes to be eating a lot compared to DH and I but even he doesn't ea that much, does it not make him ill?

After reading today's update from you I am angry and sad on your behalf. I'm so sorry it looks like he doesn't even want to be a husband or father, he has a lot of issues, not just the food, but its not for you to fix. Ask to move this thread to Relationships so you can get some practial advice as I think from his comments seperation is the only answer.

I agree with the majority of posters in that your husband is selfish and lazy. I do not believe he has an eating disorder but staying up late and eating junk erratically leads to blood sugar disorder which can manifest as hunger.
You have the problem though in that if you let him do the shopping as many have suggested he will buy loads of junk and overspend and probably over expose himself to the virus due to increased supermarket shops and his lack of awareness of social distancing and hand hygiene which in itself is a risk to you. Ideally he would go but obviously he wont.

My advice is stop the consideration for him. If you are cooking for yourself it makes sense to cook for him too but reduce the meal size as that is not having any impact on his snacking. Put yours and the children's snacks in a padlocked box and hide it and put a picture of a pig on it and a message on it to your DH to keep his hands off. Who cares if family see it after lockdown. Say you have to do that as your DH is a greedy pig and eats all the food. Shame him.

Move back into the bedroom and positively encourage the baby cry and wake him up then he will find his life considerably less comfortable. Let the pre schooler in the bedroom in the early morning and make sure you take exercise on your own every day (sometimes twice) so he has to parent. Keep going in and out of the bedroom to disturb him when he is so called working but you can check if he is gaming or internet surfing as I guess that is what he is doing when he says he is working.

How are your finances set up? Do you have joint accounts and are you managing to keep up with increased grocery spends? Many of us are overspending on food but underspending on other stuff. His risk to covid is increased if he is diabetic and BAME. I agree long term you may need a plan to split from him. I see no reason why you should move out though. Just make his life less comfortable so he is no longer happy.

Just read your latest update OP, he clearly does not give a single shiny shit about you or the kids if he says he is happy and you can leave if you don't like it. I'd stop buying any food for him altogether and aside from the minimal amount you need for yourself and the kids which I'd keep locked away, as tough as that'll be this needs action as words are clearly failing. Don't clean anything up after him, don't speak to him, he'll find his unhappiness. I'm so sorry for you, he sounds utterly fucking vile.

Ah just seen your update OP. Sorry, he sounds like a lost cause. You do sound like you'd be happier without him and he sounds like a poor influence on the DC.

In your shoes my main concern would be for my son's health now. I'd be starting to live a new healthy lifestyle myself and getting my kids involved so they learn to appreciate and enjoy fresh healthy foods, understand nutrition, and get involved in cooking recipes etc, to stand them in good stead for the future and ensure DC are never in the pre-diabetic risk category themselves.

And it's terribly worrying but ultimately not your responsibility if he's incapable of basic adult hygiene. Show him the headline on the Guardian website today- that black men are 4 times more likely to die from COVID-19 than white men, and signpost him to the NHS coronavirus page outlining hand washing, distancing etc, and then walk away. That's all you can do.

Probably got bulimia,I speek from experience,that’s too much food after dinner to not throw up after .
Tread carefully.
Signs to look for are raw knuckles,cleaning teeth after going to the bathroom ,toilet getting blocked a lot ,going to the bathroom after meals
Blood shot eyes from the force of vomiting

There has to be something psychological here. I am fat. Fatter than your husband fat. Fat enough to be ashamed of myself and I eat nowhere near that level of food even at my peak gluttony.

(Dieting now don’t worry!)

As soon as you can, you leave this fat prick!

You'll feel so much better.

Maybe he has a tape worm?

But seriously, he knows this upsets you but he's not willing to change. You have two options: accept it, or leave him.

Working 7 days a week in his bedroom? Actually working? ANd you know he is working because...

Ive just seen your update and that seems like a wise choice.

But id ask you to read back what you wrote yourself about ham sandwiches, that you're giving to your child, and just stop buying ham.